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Posts posted by destoroyah

  1. Ohhh, I sometimes listen to death fucking metal too. Nothing beats the first two albums by Entombed while taking a shower. I sometimes sing along. "Left hand path" is rather ego-strengthening, makes for a good morning ritual on days where I feel like a lazy dick. I also like Dismember and Vader. I think swedish DM has the best vibe - they're serious, but if you look very deeply, they're just fucking with ya, and noone understands.

    I think the genre is rather underappreciated and wrongly taken. The music is rather deep and requires a lot of "music-knowledge" to understand. It's a privilege to understand death metal. The lyrics are often about nihilism, being and nothingness, and very empowering and philosophical. Most think satanism, but... nah they're just joking - mostly.

    Which bands do you listen to (not only DM)? Curious!

  2. Sleep rhythms depend on daily activities. The average humans' day length is 25 hours, that's why it's constantly screwed over.

    Here are some tips from me:

    • Try to catch the sun at 12:00 am, helps calibrate and stabilize the rhythm.
    • Late night lights screw it up.
    • Sports help stabilize
    • Don't use laptops or smartphones in your bed, only use your bed for sleeping
    • if you can't sleep, wake up for 15-20 minutes and do something relaxing - like reading outside of bed
    • 10 minutes of meditation before sleeping can help if "thoughts keep you awake", i recommend candlelight and a cool pillow
    • cold feet impair the ability to fall asleep. sitting all day leads to cold feet, so does anything that impairs blood circulation
    • a going-to-bed-ritual is good. as aforementioned meditation helps but also brushing teeth, putting on pajamas and simple shit like that
    • keep some water near bed
    • see to it that you have clean sheets, change them every 1-2 weeks so that it's comfy and not fucking nasty. same goes for clothing
    • don't go to bed with clothes on that you wore during the day, don't put shit on your bed - like rucksacks or other people sitting on it
    • I can wake up well with: totally stressful alarmclocks and radio news (radio news is pretty chill, you snooze about and get updated on shit, makes you feel sophisticated)
  3. Welcome.

    Yea, quitting games is adressing depression!

    Take responsibility over your actions. Might hurt at first, but you'll develop a good punch against those demons in life!

    Best wishes, don't hesitate to PM people.


  4. I wish you well.

    Uninstalling games is the first step. Pack all gaming related clutter somewhere in a box and hide it from sight - out of sight out of mind.

    The more radical you are about removing games - the more weight and momentum you'll have. Don't attempt to change too fast or it'll backfire. Stick to watching movies and series or writing for a couple of days and look out for alternatives. Get used to the change slowly.

    Oh and yea - all the limitations imposed by games are now history. I'm typing on a dvorak keyboard layout and I switched to a trackball to change the way I interact with computers. It kind of helped!!

  5. Thanks Csaba! I'll survive this.


    I started using the tablet yesterday. It's cool! I've been drawing SKULLS.


    Fun fact: In kindergarden I was always drawing skeletons. Then they said "No drawing skeletons!"

    So I drew ghosts. And they said "No drawing skeletons or ghosts!"

    Then I drew Monsters. So they said "No drawing skeletons, ghosts or monsters!"


    They must've thought I'm mentally ill.

    ...and they were right!

  6. I picked up drawing on a wacom tablet, just in time! Also I'm switching over to a trackball mouse and teaching myself typing on Dvorak - still. I am overencumbered. But yea, gaming still creeps sometimes, when i suck at everything.

  7. The biggest risk is not taking any.

    Ach, quotes. They are annoying, pretending to be always true. You gotta find your own truth, don't stress yourself being something you're not, seek in the inside what makes your heart beat and stop. If you're more the quiet sensitive type, keep it cozy!

  8. [...] it is imporant that we support each other. This way noone gets the feling that we don't care about him/her because noone oosts on his/her Journal. [...]

    You are right...

    ...creep around journals and crush dreams.

    ... uh.. I mean... spread love!!!

  9. ENTRY 10 - DAY 16:

    You go down.

    Today I was lied to. I was thinking on how to handle it. I've decided not to. I know I should confront and play judge, if I were the man I should be, and I might someday, but right now I'm caught in my own problems. And accusing people via WhatsApp is not my style, only in a face to face conversation can I save things. I don't want to save things though, Integrity is a fragile thing. A glance can destroy it.

    It kind of hurts, I guess, as I surround myself with few I deem friends. Getting betrayed by those few will not help me be a more sociable and trusting person, but I shouldn't care. I can take the hit, I just don't hit back because I know: you go down.

    I'm not here to educate you. I shouldn't attempt to teach anything, everytime I have - shit hit me like a boomerang.


    Today I dreamt of being in a crypt, skeletons climbing out of coffins everywhere. I was meant to be scared but I was busy thinking about the loot. The drops they'd have up for me once I've crushed them.

    Gaming is creeping silently in my room. I need to keep aware.


    Also I caught a cold. Bad timing. Exams coming up, I need 110%... I'll hide in my room whenever I can.

  10. ENTRY 9 - DAY 15:

    Cut me some slack. Stress stress everywhere, you push back in one front and three new fronts open in the rear. My life feels like a bucket of water too heavy to carry. There's holes everywhere, ya fix 2 and 3 new ones pop open. I'm not grown into this shit, leave me alone. Always nudging me. "Help me help me", "Do this better", "Work harder", "That's your problem" - that's what other people seem to say. Never help me. Only look me up, when they want something done. Not that I'm particularly good at getting anything done, I'm just the bitch who'll do it.

    I don't feel so well today... I'm growing tired of this shit. My poor heart wasn't made for this. Living seems so much harder than dying... eternal slumber, I can't wait to.

    Ach. But I still got some outstanding issues. Some open calculations, some things to prove. I'll never surrender! Villains don't die.


    I'll smoke their shit in a pipe,

    my ashes will extinguish their eyesight.

    When I'm spotted on the horizon,

    Fire is what you boycotted mufakkaz be baptized in.

    Destoroyah will destroy ya,

    You better call your lawyer.

    Shooting laserbeams,

    While you're faceplanted on YouTube streams,

    Watching lets plays,

    of a sucka playing kerbal space-,


    Your parents should've used a diaphragm.

    When they conceived you,

    They wouldn't be so displeased now.

    Fuck practice,

    We'll just hack the matrix.



  11. I caught myself stalking on classmates - so I deleted that shit years ago. What a waste of time. It felt like a placeholder.


    I will rejoin, when there are more dead people on Facebook than living. I'll also propose that dead people have to update their pics.


    • Like 1
  12. ENTRY 7 - DAY 12:

    My heart feels like the big bang...

    ...like when we used to hit the bong.



    Maybe I should really write lyrics... but I'm always missing that final pinch of goodness, I rarely rhyme and my flow is odd.

  13. ENTRY 6 - DAY 10:


    The winds are opposing me with force

    and if they weren’t there?


    I’d fall over because I’m busy bracing against them.


    I’d explode if I wasn’t under pressure.


    Eternal nothingness is on my side. 

    Infinite potential.

  14. ENTRY 4 - DAY 6:

    GAARRRRR!! I'm on Fire! I don't wanna socialize, I wanna punch people in the face and FUCK! My energy is too condensed, too primitive for this society. The superficial fakeness... A day at work was enough to unleash the beast in my skull. My eye is twitching, my brain feels like pudding in a high inertia drift. The voodoo is taking effect, but there is no more room for nails in my puppets and more than enough mana to spend. The earth is trembling, a tsunami is building up and I'm busy constructing nuclear reactors.

    I'm so mad at this world!!

    Nothing too unusual, all in all.

    I'm consistently inconsistent. My psychological integrity is just a mockup.

    Loneliness... I need to learn how to listen, but my patience...

    TELL ME SOMETHING NEW, all these words a deja vu!!

    Quit talking the talk.

    Walk the walk. Undercurrents, undertow, might suck you in melancholic drown.

    Hate hate hate..

    The unending breath!! HAAARRR!

  15. i pushed myself to run in the morning, but it didnt help much  and i actually went to a mental clinic, people really wanted to help me, but it seems like they didnt know how. But even just doing something, and being there helped me alot.

    Yea!! This is the shit! You're awesome. Keep on punchin' back!!

  16. Okay, so you've realized you've been wasting your time... quit regretting, self-bashing is of no help. What's gone is gone, don't waste what you have left on it. 35 is no age really, you can still turn this around!


    EDIT: I'd write more, but I got my own struggle.