Drop! Ouuuut of life! With booooooonng iiiiiinnnn haaaaaand! Tomorrow I have to go to school. Fuck. Holidays are OVER! But these three weeks were eventful to me on a personal level. I can't boast any standardised achievements. I don't agree with that shit. Achievement is subjective to the achiever. Who gives a shit about grade 6 piano? Who cares about black belt karate? Fuck the system! Realised I had to do 2 maths papers for tomorrow! SHIT! Got them done but I have no time to work out tonight...that means...WORKOUT AT 6am SHARP! Gnaaarly duude!
I'll have to ask the school gym teacher guy to sort me out with some barbells. Gonna keep my hair short! My hair is so thick it looks like shit at anything in between super short and full on flowing luscious metalhead locks of death! As I do not want to look like a jew at Auschwitz I am going to stay away from the buzzcuts. Anyways, I'm going to take a cold shower and read a bit. See you on the other side!
Dope shit! Today I woke up and felt like SHIT! Last night i didn't sleep well at all. Cooked some fancy pasta stuff for lunch and read some vagabond! very nice. I hope takezo gets with otsu. I'm rooting for you my boi! Damn another day dreamy day. Tried studying. Failed. I tried pretty damn hard though! I held my shit together well today. I have made a principle: every day has karma. One tiny action or inaction will snowball and have consequences. So I took my cold shower and did my rowing even though I didn't feel like it. Feel better now. Been thinking of doing a gap year before uni and going to volunteer for the american himalayan foundation. Would be a great experience for me. To be with my own people (half that is hehe. the joys of being mixed race...) and to learn of my lost heritage. And make a difference too. Grow and become strong. Strength! That is the prime virtue of a man. Also been thinking some more (suprise suprise...) about my destiny. Ever since I was a kid I've had this intrinsic trait that I can't attribute to anything with assurance. I have always wanted more. Always sought for something away from the rest of the flock. I've always done retarded shit and not cared. Like I didn't feel a sense of belonging in going through the motions. It's hard to describe. Just this energy. Who knows. Perhaps just my ego making shit up. But it's there for sure. Like I have been wired to do something in this world that others can't. A key to a gateway. I can say that I believe in god now. God is the essence of the universe. The inexplicable nature of existence. The fundamental law of chaos intertwining every individual atom with one another to create the ebb and flow of time. The one truth that lies beyond our human perception of truth; beyond abstractions of science; beyond workings of philosophy; beyond the mythos of religion. It does not exist but it is still something. Like how the number 1 has quantity. And the number 0 has no quantity. Zero has nothing but would you say zero does not exist? Being could be the absence of nothingness. Anyway. Now all that shit's out of the way. I'd like to wish you all a happy monday! Good night!
Don't worry takezo! You will find your purpose eventually! The universe shall unfold!
Damn I couldn't sleep for shit last night! Sucked. I was lying there daydreaming for 6 hours! Crazy! At about 4 am I said "Fuck this!" and looked at archived suicide notes on my phone. No idea why. Very touching. So I eventually hit the bunk a short time after 5 am. And now I'm awake and it's 12:14 pm and I feel like I haven't slept at all! FUCK! I wasn't even wearing the underwear that was tight on my bollocks!
You try get over you gonna go under! Woah! 2 weeks nofap- no wanking no porn. Easy! Looked at some boobs today! Felt different. "Yea that's a pair of tits. Nice pair; don't care." Happy that my view of women has shifted. I wasn't happy being a degenerate bitch. Getting closer to what I really want: an actual relationship! No 2D slags! I was at the forest stream today. Sat on a rock in the sun. Thought about sharing this place with future girlfriends. That would be nice. Thought about carrying them over the stream. Lying on the verge with them. Haha! Looks like I'm the helpless romantic type after all. I'm glad of it though. Better than fucking porn. Better than that disgusting shit I gave myself to. I just want to cuddle man! I just want to have a good fuck! I just want to talk! Went for another barefoot run! Nice! Was in a day dreamy mood today didn't get much studying done. When I'm in this mood I just say "fuck studying" because I know I won't get anywhere. Thought about some kid at school. He's one of these friends I have. Relics from my gaming days. They don't have much personality- they just meme away and try to mask their void. To find security in memes. They don't need a sense of humour. They just need to spew memes- everyone loves memes! I think he is suicidal and depressed. I will say something to him one day in person. I'll try and corner him so he doesn't fall back on his memes. Then i'll let him do his thing. Whatever he does is whatever he does. I think he needs something in his life. A nudge. Something to reach into his shell and prod him. Drew some shit today. Just pencils now but I'm practising my settings.
An assassin in wait for his quarry- gamma sector 2b has a deadly criminal underground!
You're going strong! Never stray from the path! Workout 6 days a week? That's pretty hardcore! Make sure you don't work the same muscle groups on consecutive days though. That is counter-productive. This walk- you will learn something that day. It will hold value for sure. With men and women there isn't such a thing as the friendzone. Once you connect- you connect alright! Chemistry knows no boundaries. You can look at attractive women on the street, next door, on a computer screen whatever- even if you're a married man. You can resist your urges to connect for sure though. Nothing wrong with that. The thing is she probably feels this chemistry too! Or she doesn't feel shit and she just wants to parade you around like a little poodle. I don't think it's the latter. If she asked you to go on a walk with her that sounds nice. Like a genuine thing- not like shopping for useless crap for the sake of her own vanity. Otherwise, I'm not going to give you any advice. It's up to you to learn from your experiences! All I ask is that you do it and think about it and let me know here! Good luck. And happy birthday because I will probably forget to tell you next week!
You can't like everyone. That's for sure. I think you already know that. But that doesn't mean you have to hate everyone. My school is ripe with douchebags. My father was a bit of a douchebag. But I can't live my life wallowing in hate- it just eats away at you. I've found it's enough to get me through the pain just understanding people. You don't have to like them; you don't have to be nice to them; just know that they've probably been fucked in some way just like you have. You don't even have to talk to them about it. Just watch and listen. Soon it all just goes away and all you see is the person. Sure they might piss you off again in future- they probably will. But, this is just a little method of dealing with dumb cunts without getting your knickers in a twist. Try it! You won't be in this position all your life. Soon the universe will unfold and you will find what you've been looking for. I believe that will happen. I believe in fate. I believe that our individuality moulds the world around us; as a factor in our destinations. Soon your form will pierce through the veil of chaos and you'll find what you have been seeking. The moudling of your form precipitates change. Like you said I will find friends if I expand my repetoire; you can find someone by opening your heart perhaps? Yea, I know that sounds pretty gay! But it might be what you're lacking. All those years being alone and fucked up- you learnt to form a carapace around your soul. I don't know how you can break it. I don't know if you can. But if this is your issue: try. Mould your form. If it end up shitty who cares. Keep doing it and something will happen. Don't bother with your flatmates- well you could- but I don't think they would understand. With someone you trust- try and speak softly about something personal to you (in person). Just for a little bit. Be sincere and watch them. If you don't have anyone you can trust then that's the first hurdle!
157 days journalling Days porn free: 12 Been digging potato trenches today! Good workout. My mum is mad on gardening and she had a foot operation so she can't do much physical stuff. So she had me digging. Today I didn't eat so healthy. But I don't really care. We all have those days. I was walking around in town a bit today. Deposited some money in the bank, bought some cheap sketch pads, got a haircut. Noticed the way I spoke and felt was different. I had a deeper voice, I was super relaxed, super confident. I spoke with few words, and I felt a strange clarity in the tone of my voice. Super grounded. Super chill. When I look in the mirror now I also see something different. Stronger facial features. Penetrating gaze. The whole aura is different. Like a well of strength. Maybe I'm just imagining things. Maybe it's just my ego. But I feel different. I see difference. I'm back at school next week. Let's see how I fare. Gonna read the necronomicon now and then go to bed! Hail Cthulhu!
156 days journalling Days porn free: 11 today didn't feel like the most productive day. But i still got shit done. I hate typing on my fucking phone! GAH!!! So today I had a bit of reflection on my decision to quit gaming. I don't see any reason to return. Gaming was like an all inclusive holiday and what i am doing now is like hitchhiking across the globe. Because i quit i was able to do other things. Cultivate neglected skills. I am grateful for the opportunity to do that. I don't need games anymore. In games i wanted to be that guy. That awesome guy that can do all kinds of cool shit. But i can do that in real life. The thing is though i have still developed escapist habits in other mediums. But i am content with them. Reading fiction and making comics is new. It's different. I have gamed enough. Time has come to close the chapter and begin a new volume! The problem is though. I think my head my be too in the clouds still. With games i fantasised about all the cool shit i could do. And now i do that in real life. The question is: is this healthy? Am i just kidding myself? I want to start doing fucking martial arts all of a sudden now. Sometimes i think i am expanding my repertoire too much. Like it's just an image for me. A tool to keep my ego in check. I'm afraid if i drop anything i lose what defines me. I'm looking at my life just like i was looking at those cartoon characters.
Nice one! Everybody's approach to game is subjective to the individual. I don't think whether gaming is good or bad is absolute. Some things in life are just open for interpretation. What matters it you are interpreting and that you are forging your own path based on your own values. Godspeed you Übermensch!
154 days journalling Days porn free: 9 Awesome day! Got up at 6:30 and studied a fuck ton. Watched a bit of ghost in the shell 2. Went out for a run. Moved further down the stream in the forest to meditate. I like to try and cover my tracks as a much as possible. Just for fun! There these weird worm things all over the rocks! Yuck! I wonder if they're edible? Headed back home and my left hamstring started to hurt. My feet just felt weird - like they didn't belong in my shoes. Everything felt wrong! So i kicked off my shoes and socks and ran the last mile back barefoot on the asphalt. FELT SO GOOD!!!!! My speed picked up and running felt easier. Much more spring in my step. Landing on my toes with legs beneath me. Then came back and took a cold shower going brbrghghhbrvvbhvbrghghgbrbhghgrbrb in the stream. The way forward is backwards! Hail the glorious ape man! He is by nature's design and lives as nature intended! And then i studied some more. So much for ape man. Read some of the physics book. Was marginally more understandable this time. Still fucking boring!
My friends were the same when I quit. And now I don't have any outside of the internet! The thing is though- your path is your own. Wherever they are going doesn't matter because that's their choice. This is about YOU and YOUR choice. Always trust your gut and don't listen to the hyenas and parrots!
Never heard of muay thai so I googled it. Found out there are about 4 clubs in a neighbouring town! Sick! I have been thinking about martial arts actually. This looks like my sort of thing- nice. Perhaps it's the teamwork element. Or perhaps it's the sense of being a creator. I loved making builds and characters and trying them out. Perhaps you want to do something more creative?
154 days journalling Days porn free: 9 Nailed down 2 more maths papers today! Some good old fashioned death metal got me through. Worked out and took a cold shower. Noticed my muscles have gotten bigger. I can also do more reps and longer times on exercises. Nice to see some results. Last night i couldn't sleep for shit! I think my underwear was too tight on my balls or something. No idea. Managed to get some shit done on the comic page. Slaying those nofap urges. Not masturbating either
Ok man looks like you're in some shit here: 1. Everybody wants that. Sure. But if you try and pursue that it will only be your undoing. The definition of confidence is the absence of fucks to give. It's the liberation of the mind; the casting out of self awareness. A change to you demeanour cannot begin as a rational thought. It's not about earning other people's respect; it's about earning your own respect. Only when you are comfortable in your own body can you respect yourself. And that is achieved by accepting it on an emotional level. This ME ME ME is the foundation of an unstable ego. It's looking at the images that people display. Your image is whatever your image is. It's subjective to whatever the person on the other end is receiving. The ego is a tool for social assertion. It asserts what the consciousness feels. As as long as you feel shit it won't do shit! Pure confidence is walking around with a smile on your face because you know that you're alive and this world is your playground. “there is nothing outside of yourself that can ever enable you to get better, stronger, richer, quicker, or smarter. Everything is within. Everything exists. Seek nothing outside of yourself.”― Miyamoto Musashi, The Book of Five Rings You need to take some time to find peace with yourself. You hate yourself because you don't understand yourself. To understand yourself you have to think and feel long and hard for what you want out of this life. To find your place in the universe. To do this: keep at your hobbies! Don't stop no matter what. I recall you quit some. That's fine but never do it because you "lose interest". Hobbies are something you have to commit to. Passion is a fleeting emotion and sometimes you just have to grind it out. Keep reading books. Keep thinking. Soon what you have gathered will converge on something and you will be enveloped by it! Another method I love is go full ape man. I made this post a while ago: Looks like you need to ground your emotions my boi! And I say ground because your emotions are like a static charge that accumulates in your head and you must earth it from time to time. People spend too much time cooped up in their head they don't realise they have this massive thing attached to their neck called a body! The body is a great way to channel your emotions- good or bad. You really have to break yourself down and feel free to act retarded sometimes. You see what monkeys do when they're angry? They poop in their hand and start throwing it at the object of their vice or beat the floor and go "OOOHAHAHAHAGAHAGAHHAOOOOHHO!!!!1!11!". Obviously us humans have this arbitrary crap called society and we need to behave ourselves though; but if you don't really mind getting really poopy hands and perhaps a restraining order then please be my guest! What I like to do is get plenty of physical exercise - on a daily basis at least with perhaps one day where I sit around and do nothing. Also, get lots of sunlight and fresh air. Cold showers are great too. Especially slamming your face into the stream and going "BRBRBrbrbRBBRbrbrBRhbhbRHbhGRhgGRHBhgh" with your cheeks. I also like to shake my body when I get up in the morning and stretch too. If you have ever had a dog you will notice they do this every morning. Breath deep too when you are doing this kind of shit. If you are out for a run; pant like a dog. If you are taking a cold shower; breath like a rapist in a children's hospital. This is the most difficult one but I like to do retarded shit around other people or just scream really really loudly when no one's looking. This will obliterate any self conscious behaviour. Try it and let me know! The universe is one. You are in the matrix. Accept pain as you accept pleasure. I can tell you all this shit but you won't truly understand until you feel it within yourself!
2. That sucks. I feel for you man. I have never been in a relationship because I'm just a 17 year old kid but this is an opportunity to learn. What do you want out of a relationship? To please a woman? To satisfy yourself? To act responsibly? To look into each other's souls? Everybody wants something in a relationship. And most importantly, YOU want something. So choose your women based on your own values. Check this out! Really helpful site! 3. Goal goal goals. We all need goals! But you can be happy without them! Have you seen old people? They cook, do gardening, listen to the radio- you know old people stuff! But they're happy! They stopped caring the moment their body started to wither. They live in the moment and they see past societal constructs. Ask yourself what you really want from your life. Then you will know what goals you want and what they mean to you. Everybody who want to do great things has to believe in something bigger than themselves: for some it's god; for others it's family; for others it's nature. Belief is feeling value in something. Your muse will kick in sooner or later! Stick to you path and find it! For now, I suggest you simplify the fuck out of your goals. If daily routines are you thing that's great but I don't like them at all. I think flexibility and a sense of autonomy is important. Frees your mind up. Look at your day like this, ok I will practice guitar, ok done now what?, ok lets go tidy my room, ok done now what? Edit: and stop watching porn! Porn sucks. Porn is another piece of fake bullshit modern civillisation has to offer.