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We are never out of the fight.


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Note: I'm not a native English speaker, so sorry about any typo or syntax nonsense!

I remembered the first game i played, Counter Strike 1.6, i must had been 7 at the time.Playing games as always  been a huge part of my life, and until recently i never looked at it as a problem.Going through school i never had problems with grades even though i would spend hours and hours a day playing ,i was always good at school especially in physics(my favorite hobby other than  gaming). Things in my life took a huge turning point two years ago when i entered college.My naive self at the time, having excellent grades when leaving high school decided to choose a very hard course (computer science) in one of the most prestigious universities in the country, it appears to be a good thing (and it is) but i quickly found out that my easiness to learn wasn't going to be enough to push it through.Here is when things go downhill , not only the course is very hard but my addiction and procrastination gotten worse, way worse, and even though i was able to pass all classes in the first semester miraculously , at this point ( i am on my second year) i am already looking at an extra year because of the disaster that was the second semester.I just cant sit down and work, its painful, i know what i have to do, i know i have the ability to do it and i just cant do it, its like a war is going on on my mind and boy am i losing it.To worsen it the pandemic took over my life , and in that time i lost two of my grandparents(not due to covid-19) and i was forced to stay at home taking remote classes, and then i just became useless, played all day, didn't attended almost any classes and just gave up the semester.What gives me hope is that i do have a strong willpower, i once was almost obese and was able to get healthy and fit by exercising and eating well, but gaming addiction is much more vile and stronger than food.I'm creating this journal because i believe if i can hold myself accountable i can make the change and turn this sad story around , and by creating this journal i am in my mind, holding my self accountable for it,  and i think the shame of giving up will motivate me to turn this battle around.As the title reads we are never out of the fight, not me ,not any of you.

This is Day 1 of 90:

Today is my only opportunity to change everything, because curfew for college students is over in my country and  classes are back.I'm convinced that the change in the environment around me will help me pull this off , and at least for today payed off.I was able to work on the project i have due until 10 days from now, which is probably the first time in months that i didn't worked on something the day before the delivery date. I also started working only on the campus library because i cant work in home , the library environment just forces me to work which is a great boost.When coming home from the campus i felt contradictory emotions, it was such a beautiful day with that southern European spring sunlight shining all over the city, people are relaxing on the terraces of the coffee shops after work , and i could here jazz music in the distance , and i kinda felt sad because i miss spending time with my friends and the academic parties (even though that was also a big reason why before the pandemic things where not going so well , i was also spending a lot of time drinking and partying with my friends), but now that feels like such a distant memory...

I would say overall was a good day even though i feel like something is missing in my life, but to be honest i don't think that has much to do with my addiction ,after all there are things that we can´t control and this pandemic has take so much from us.Hope you all had a great day to.

 

Edited by LucaHelv
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Day 2 of 90

Ironically today my plans where ruined by the weather, unlike yesterday , it rained a lot and i couldn´t get to the library , ended up not working that much and ony attended classes, also didn´t got up as early as i wanted unfortunately.On the plus side didn´t touch video games which is a plus. I am not really feeling like writing so i guess this entry will be pretty small, unlike many others here this first two days are no being easy at all, hope things get better.

Day 3 of 90

Amazing day today was able to study a lot for a test i have tomorrow , i still have some details to take care of but i feel very confident about it.Its funny because i almost forgot to come write in here because i was studying.The only down for today is again the same issue that i mentioned in my first entry , the weather today was much better , while coming to the library from lunch it was such an amazing vibe and atmosphere around me, and i had this weird and sad feeling like something was missing, like everybody else is having theyr great time (which im aware its not true).Its like i feel morally obliged to feel happy but i am not, its not that im sad but i just dont feel anything ,which sometimes is even worse.Anyway it was a good day and certainly one positive step in this journey.Hope you all had a great day.

 

Edited by LucaHelv
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