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Gentleman Rat

A Gentleman's Journal

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Well, here I am.

I was procrastinating on creating a daily journal because I, a published author, cannot even write every day for my novels.

But here I go;

I started this journey of recovery two days ago. I took a long hard look at my endless list of games on Xbox and had just spent about fifty bucks on in-game money between Red Dead Redemption 2, and GTA5.

Ashamed, and watching my money drain from my account like blood from a trauma victim, I sat on my couch in silence. Alone with my thoughts, I stared at the list of games, then to the stack of books to my left on the stand, and said, "You know, I used to be a great writer. I wrote every single day, and was excited to write, and loved hiding in these worlds I created. Now here I am, almost through all my twenties and staring at the screen at all the "accomplishments" I had really earned, and when I'm dead, nobody will even care."

I should mention that in the first full day yesterday I was home alone with my three daughters, and we had an absolute blast together. We played with chalk on the driveway, we made dinner together, and I even taught them how to play a tabletop game (Here's the link to our session).https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YOmAOcVsAc&t=52s

 

 

It was wonderful!

But, then, at the end of the day, when the girls had watched their episode of Reading Rainbow and were tucked in after poems and kisses, I came out to sit on the couch to perhaps watch some TV.

I think you know where this is going.

In front of me lay Overwatch, an old nemesis of mine, and as the cover of Tracer enticed me, I lied to myself and said that it would only be to see what the weekly challenge is.

Five hours later, I had outlasted my friends who joined me who went to bed, and as I hung the controller up, I sat back on my couch in the darkness of my home and stared at my own reflection in disbelief.

"You messed it up." I said to myself, "You had the best day ever with the kids, and you had to go and screw it up with a video game."

I have a pretty bad bout of post-weekend depression right now, and I miss the girls, and I just can't get over how I actually FELT like writing again last night. I wanted to have a long cigar, maybe a small glass of bourbon, and sit at my post for some novel-writing. In fact, I'm at the climax of my novel and need to just finish up the ending. I started this project two years ago, and here I am wasting my time for achievements that won't speak for me years later. It's all for nothing, and I feel no better than the people at my job, (I'm a security guard at a methadone clinic), where sometimes they can't even make it through ONE DAY without a hit.

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Today I'm depressed, and feel extremely dirty.

My job takes it out of me bad. I need to keep track of so many people who are doing extremely bad things. It's mentally exhausting, and I was fearful to go home because I knew that that's where my gaming addiction lies.

Every time I say that I want to quit, I don't. My main struggle today was getting home, seeing that I needed to mow my lawn this week, and said, "Nah, I really don't care."

Then I saw my laptop, and while I have a dozen other story ideas in my head, and I've given myself a deadline to finish by, I still said, "Nah, I really don't give a f***."

Then I said, well, maybe I'll just watch an episode of a TV show, and as I was doing this, I saw that my friend was online.

As you can guess, I relapsed pretty hard, and it's frustrating because the game numbed me so much that now any ideas I might have had before for my novel are gone. There's a blank slate.

Angry, I turned on my audio book and stepped into the shower, and now here I am sitting on my couch, and wanting nothing else than a nap.

I'm feeling pretty defeated right now, so I think I'm going to.

This weekend I said I was done with video games, and on the second relapse in a row, I feel lost. Angry even.

I'm going to try to go to the library tomorrow, and see what that accomplishes, but after work, my mental strength waivers greatly.

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Not feeling particularly proud of myself today, and I'm not sure i want to open up about it. 

Seeing a video of my daughter today reminded me of how fast time fleets, and here i am playing video games.

I worked on my novel last night, but with how guilty I am and feel, it's no consolation.

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My struggle today is that my best friends play also. I had plans on what to do today, but having to wait on someone who never came today killed me

I'm checking out other forums, but I want to have a connection local to me.

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Today I haven't touched my controller because I've been too busy. Every time I get cravings, I acknowledge that they exist, as the youtube video says to do, and I've been listening to my audiobook instead to entertain me. Right now I'm listening to Stephen King's 'The Institution', read by the actor who voiced Christoph from Frozen. It's pretty great.

I also bought myself a pumpkin spice frozen coffee too from Dunkin', so that's a nice treat to myself as well.

I had to break up a fight at work today, also. One guy got a bloody lip from getting the piss kicked out of him, while the other guy "Slipped and fell" as he told me.

I don't know. I've just been coasting it today, and I need to keep writing my book, but in earlier projects I've written, I perform better when I'm at the library or something like that. It gets me out of the house, and when I go across town to work on my book, I sit down knowing that if I screw around, I could be doing it at home. So instead I work on my project until my fingers hurt.

I work tomorrow, and after that I'm taking my kids apple picking, and I always have fun doing that.

Thank you all so much for following along with my journals.

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Today has been decent. I went mini golfing with the kids, and got ice cream when we were done. 

Right now I'm watching tv with my fiancee, chilling out for the night. 

Haven't touched anything or had cravings today. 

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I was listening to my audiobook, and during this I mindlessly played forza for several hours.

I want to scream.

However I am motivated to work on my novel tomorrow. I'm planning on going to the library to get that done. 

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I finished writing the first draft of my novel last night, and I catch myself falling back into my writing groove again. I want to start a new one for NaNoWriMo this year, but I need to come up with a good idea first. I did a daily login for gta5's casino wheel, but to my relief, felt nothing. 

I put it down, and tried to find something productive to do instead. 

I think tonight I'm gonna try to plan something new.

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I didn't play video games today. Instead I edited half my novel and got in contact with a professional editor. I'm trying to publish this January, so I need to stay on track. 

I have to force myself to do this stuff, but it keeps me productive. 

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I feel like I keep failing myself, so tomorrow I'm going to a friend's house. Maybe I'll be too distracted to get cravings. 

Wish me luck.

I've noticed that I'm pushing interest in my writing again, so I need to keep that ball moving as well. 

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Guest

We're kind of years apart.  Like big years.  But why does it seem like you are constantly bringing yourself down?  It makes me think that sometimes we are the most cruelest and harsh to ourselves.  There's a crying boy inside of you, but it doesn't look like you want to acknowledge it.  Instead you keep getting mad at it for some reason.  You're doing good for yourself man.  You are attempting to quit games.  Your a published author.  And most of all you have a family.  They all see good in you. 

Granted, shit does seem to have hit the fan for you though.  But sometimes things happen for a reason.  NaNoWriMo month is coming soon right?  After today, one month from now.  The perfect time to get laid off so you can show Boss Joe who's the real boss for laying your ass off (ha, joking, don't quote me on that. im not a fighing guy.  but u get my point.  i hope.)

But all in all, I'm saying this in good name.  I haven't learned tact and I probably misinterpreted a lot of your writing as well, so excuse me if I said some "what the fuck is this guy on? does he want to fucking fight?" stuff.

also.  wooooow i'm speaking to a published writer (fan girl screams)

Edited by Guest

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