Pierce

@WorkInProgress Thanks! 147 Days w/o Gaming, 4 Days w/o YouTube Now that's what I call a first day. All of my classes so far are definitely going to be difficult, but manageable. For example, in Anatomy lab today we studied all of the bones in the skull for almost 3 hours straight. There had to have been at least 30 new terms being thrown at us on day 1, and we were expected to catch on fast. I like this challenge, I like it a lot. I'm enjoying Calculus as well, and it's definitely something I can learn to do well at at if I'm willing to put in the time. That's the key: start studying immediately, and don't slow down. The losing steam bit was what stopped me every time in previous semesters. Other than classes, it was just good to be out of the house. Lifting weights was great, as was bumping into old friends; heck, I even tried to make a few new ones. Furthermore, I'm really excited to start studying. That's something that is actually quite enjoyable with the constant pull towards addictive behaviors being weak at this point in time. What I'm trying to say can be best captured in this quote: "The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it." - Pearl S. Buck

146 Days w/o Gaming, 3 Days w/o YouTube My next semester starts tomorrow, and I feel a little jittery. I need straight A's this semester to still have a chance at medical school. I've been studying quite a bit over the break to get as much of a head start as I can, but tomorrow is where I'll really get an idea of how the semester is going to be. I have to give my full effort if I'm going to make it. I have a goal worth fighting for, and that's what keeps me going each day. Self-improvement, and the hope that I can make the world a better place. Lofty goals, especially when the bar is just close enough each day for my fingertips to graze it, but not an inch closer. Hey, but I see that bar moving farther down the path each time, so it must be on the the run and I'm gaining ground. I don't have any delusions on the matter, lofty goals take lofty effort. Just because the first couple miles in the journey of 1000 are arduous doesn't mean they're all going to be. Calves get stronger, skin becomes bronzed, and grit becomes an old friend. I'm making it, and I'm going to keep on making it. I've made a home in the cave of testing, becoming comfortable with habitual discomfort, and knowing that the pervasive outer blackness is only there because there's so much light on the inside that there isn't room for any more elsewhere. I will overcome. Theoden: So much death. What can men do against such reckless hate? Aragorn: Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them. Theoden: For death and glory. Aragorn: For Rohan. For your people. I'm going to ride out and meet them. Boots on my feet and sword in my hand. Death or victory.

145 Days w/o Gaming, 2 Days w/o YouTube The pull of temptation was weaker today, but it was still most definitely there. It felt good to know that each time when I chose to do work instead of answering the pull, was time that I was putting towards my goals. I did a bit of studying and planning for the semester, since I'm stuck at home due to the ice outside. It was more time I got to prepare for school, but it was unfortunate that I didn't get to go out and see my friends tonight as I'd been looking forward doing all week. That, in part, brought on a bit of a depressive episode. Late last month I said that I wanted to focus 30 days on having joy again, and so I knew that I couldn't let those thoughts continue. I lost in a cycle of self-pity, thinking of how many friends I'd lost in the last few years, and how little time I spend with even those that are left. It's something that's been haunting me a lot lately as I've been stuck at home. I knew that I had to shift my thinking. I thought of the many things I have to be grateful for, of my goals, and of the many people that are in worse situations than me. Each of these three thoughts spoke to the wisdom of having joy for being alive in the present moment. Also, it's painful to admit it, but I think there are components of lack of self-esteem at work here. That's something that will improve from positive self-talk as well.

@WorkInProgress That's a distinction I learned that hard way. Thanks for the encouragement. 144 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube I didn't want to post more negative news yesterday, since I fell off the saddle again. For most of yesterday I felt caged, like I couldn't resist. I woke up today, and was really struggling in the morning. At times I thought I'd lose the day again, but I couldn't face that happening yet again. I found myself doing anything to stay off the computer, even if it meant just sitting there silently for a moment or working on a menial task. Over time the tug grew weaker, and I was able to pull back; the joy hard work returned. I've by no means been incredibly productive today, but I've studied various subjects for my classes starting up next week and did a bit of planning. That's what this is all about, a fight between the short-term pleasures of electronics and the long-term joy that comes from hard work. It's been a five year long battle, and I want this to be the year I win. Every year I give to addiction is a year further I am from my goals. I've been at the crossroads for a while now, how much I really want to quit. Mentally there isn't a shadow of a doubt I want to, but on a more primal level part of me doesn't. If it takes the level of commitment that it did today, or even more, to get there... so be it.

@Cam Adair that's a good suggestion. I'll see if I can remember to put that into practice. @Tatu92 It's always a gift to meet others with similar experiences; thanks for the support. You are growing progressively stronger, something I can tell from your journal, which is very encouraging. It means you found ways to overcome what I described above, which affirms that I can too. 142 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube It feels like it's been more than one day without YouTube, not so much that today was a long day, but more that I feel like I'm picking back up from where I left off before relapse. Like I've said in the past: using electrons to escape pain just puts your life in stasis. Time continues to flow, but your character arc doesn't develop that much. That was not the case today. It was by no means a perfect day (no such thing), but there were many times I was in a state of flow. I did a few chores around the house, made plans to hang out with friends this weekend before the semester starts again, lifted weights, and talked with my parents a lot. I simply enjoyed getting things done. I also was enjoying life in general, which made any escapes look unattractive as options in comparison. I can tell I'm regaining my joy, because the little things in life are gaining their importance again. For example, getting to lift weights again today for the first time in many weeks was almost a spiritual experience. Having the capacity to be able to tell my friends jokes again is another example. The beauty of the moment was recaptured. I hope to keep the flow and joy of life tomorrow, and likely will go to the library since I didn't make the time today.

@Cam Adair It's a feeling of mental anguish. My first instinct is to flee from the work, and even if I overcome that, there's a constant grating that makes it difficult to continue more than 15 minutes. My mind brings thoughts of many other distracting things I could be doing, even if it's as simple as getting up to get water, and if it gets me away from the pain I am more than happy to give in to them. In certain environments this pain is gone and I can work in a state of flow for a time, but as someone who doesn't have a car it can be difficult at times to get away from my home where my bad habits have been formed. There is a library within walking distance, and the solution is likely to push myself to go over there, but it's easy to make excuses in the morning. I think that's what I'm going to try tomorrow. Feel free to give any other advice if you think of it. Thanks for the poignant questions Cam. 141 Days w/o Gaming, 0 Days w/o YouTube Momentum is against me, and I still find it difficult to go the right way. Just like yesterday, I woke up and tried to resist wasting time on the computer, but that quickly failed. One thing I was thinking about today was why do some people fail while others succeed when it comes to doing hard work. If it were some esoteric secret, only a small, highly educated circle would have this ability; there's definitely more to it. From best I can tell, it comes from one's ability to look to the future, and how badly one is willing to exert him/herself to make the vision a reality. It's about ideals, ambitions, and long-term thinking. It's also about, "enjoying the grind". I plan on going to the library down the street tomorrow and apply these principles. I'm optimistic about it, but want to keep my guard up.

140 Days w/o Gaming, 0 Days w/o YouTube I made it yesterday since I was on the road all day.Today, though, I broke integrity again. The bad habits that come from being at home. It's hard to understand why I can't hold to what is important to me in the moment. I've been trying to figure this out for five years. In that moment, that which I hate becomes important and that which I love becomes unimportant. Life is so surreal. Still, I cling to the hope that tomorrow will be different, even though tomorrow is always one day out of my grasp.

@Cam Adair The journey is within, and the capacity is within. 138 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube Environment and health have a lot to do with habits. Keeping these factors in mind help with knowing when one is at his weakest is essential. These principles and many others are good, but they are not enough for times of adversity. For those times I will need toughness, and I will need to remember what I am fighting for. "Discipline is caring more than normal and more than necessary about the result." I want to excel in my goals, to become a new man. I will only reach them if I have the strength to make my actions match my words.

137 Days w/o Gaming, 0 Days w/o YouTube Disgrace. I lacked the integrity of self to keep with my goal, even in such a short period of time. I'd been slowly inching closer to the line over the past couple of days, and today was the crescendo where I crossed over it. This came from a lack of focus on the big picture. That side of the line has a sharp drop-off where I keep on sliding until I muster the will to decide to climb back up. The closer I get to the edge, the less the burden of responsibility, but also the slicker the ground. It's a paradox though: responsibility and discipline are freedom; the easy way is the hard way, and the hard way is the easy way. Even going onto YouTube to listen to music can be dangerous. Also, being around cousins who play video games during the majority of their waking hours doesn't help either. On the bright side, I have kept my focus on the big picture of why I want to stay away from gaming when around them. Games provide a paltry sum, because if I choose to have adventures and develop myself in the virtual world, I will miss out on the adventures and development to be had in the real world. I will waste my life, and that is really my only fear in life. Therefore, I am resolved to continue onward, stronger than ever. I was reading Steven Covey's book, First Things First, earlier today. In it he talks about many factors that lead towards a more fluid system of productivity. The most painful one to read about was integrity to the self. I have this skill in so many ways, especially when dealing with others or with moral principles, but when it comes to daily habits I frequently stumble. One foot in front of the other and focusing on the goal at hand will see me through. I'm putting it in writing, and mean it: tomorrow will be my first day of 90 continuous days without YouTube.

@LuxoLamp any time, friend, and I'm happy for you. That's really exciting that you're picking up social dance. I consider social dance to be weight lifting for social skills, because mine have improved drastically from the last year and a half of dance experience I've had (which started out with a college dance course as well). I've been doing the dances that fall under the umbrella of American Ballroom, and enjoy East-Coast Swing and Rumba the most when I go out social dancing. They all have their merits, and I would recommend remaining open minded towards all of them. @hycniejsy Yeah, I'm trying to maximize my time in general, but especially when I'm with others. I've spent too much of my life in front of a screen already. As for going dancing on my own, I'd probably enjoy that more than with friends, to be honest. I enjoy a challenge, and the raw social challenge of purely dancing with strangers is really great. My obstacle is not nerve or enjoyment, but rather the fact that I'm primarily reliant on friends for rides right now. I may find a way to remedy this in the future, but overall it's a fact I accept. It's not that big a problem anyway, and with some of those opportunities lost, I have more time for other ones. 136 Days w/o Gaming, 12 Days w/o YouTube I've been thinking about the big picture of the path I want to direct my life towards for a long time now, but today I was thinking more on the little pieces that will help me get there. School, fitness, social connections, and miscellaneous personal development are the four main things I want to focus on next semester. I've always put school as my top priority when speaking with others or to myself, but it honestly hasn't been. I'm excited about actually making that the case this semester, because I have much more intrinsic motivation (reasons why there will be positive benefits now from doing this, not just in the distant future) in putting effort forth for my coursework. Fitness has been important as far as maintaining the body, but I'm at the point where I want to start gaining strength and physique, not just keep from negative side-effects. Social skills and other self-development projects (reading more and meditating) have both been lacking as well. The reason behind the subpar results in all four of these areas is simple: lack of consistency. I'm looking forward to setting up a routine next week, so that I can start gaining the results that only dedication can garner. I was tempted multiple times to fall back into my old ways today, being surrounded by cousins that are both heavily into gaming and watching videos all day, but remembering these goals helped me to quickly forget about it. That "fake" entertainment can't compare to the enjoyment that comes from both the process and the product of the activities I described above. One last thing: being constantly around relatives has given me a lot more social interaction than I usually get at home. This time has made me reflect on a hybrid introvert/extrovert interaction to situations. I find that being able to string combos (yes, I will use such a geeky analogy) between the two during any social interaction, can be much more useful than just one. The intense discipline and focus of the former combined with the friendliness and powerful energy of the latter make a formidable force. It's the balance between the two, and getting the timing for when each is required, that is difficult. Something further to work on.

Hey Luxo! I first off want to congratulate you for trying to quit both of those distractions so early on your college career (I'm guessing from your age that you're a freshman). You're off to a great start already, and I'm excited for you on the journey you've embarked on. I bet that in one year you're going to see tremendous results. The best advice I've received on why I should quit gaming came from my Latin teacher in my sophomore year of high-school. He had just graduated from college, so he was fairly close to my age, and he had played a lot of video games as a kid. He overheard some of us talking about the subject and said something like this, "If you took all of the time you spent playing video games, and instead put it towards learning skills, you could go on more incredible adventures than your video games characters, but in real life. If you were to put all of that time into learning martial arts, marksmanship, survival training, etc. you would become more powerful than the character you play on the screen." When he said that, it instantly clicked. I saw the life he lived (he was just about the coolest teacher you could get), and I envisioned the life that could be for me, and I was sold. Yeah, I've fallen out of the saddle over and over and over, but remembering that is what keeps me getting up each time. The longer I remember my purpose, the longer I succeed. YouTube has been much harder, because in the past I would go on YouTube to avoid relapsing into gaming if I had an intense craving to game. Now that I've quit gaming for so long I have a much better chance to peel back this layer of the onion of addictive behaviors. I wholeheartedly believe you can quit both at the same time though, and wish I had not used that as a crutch in the past (it's pretty close to being just as destructive as video games). I've been successful with YouTube by filling my free time with better activities. I study useful subjects, either for fun or for my classes next semester, and gain more enjoyment from them than other mindless media. For example, I've lately been having a lot of fun doing math problems on Khan Academy, because there is a sense of challenge and progress. I'm also trying to develop a case of what I jokingly refer to as, "pathological reading". If I have any down time at all I try to sink my nose into a book, preferably non-fiction, but there's no shame in fiction either. Lastly, it's true that you need a reward system, something to look forward to. I avoided this practice in the past, because I noticed that many people indulge a different bad habit (frequently food) as the reward. My choice is to go out and do something active and preferably social. This could be as simple as going to take a walk to as complex as going on a camping tip with friends. Having these things to look forward to definitely help, and the reminder you that YouTube is a silly waste of time. Hope that helps and best of luck. Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you. 135 Days w/o Gaming, 11 Days w/o YouTube What a surreal day. I feel like only a few hours worth of activities have occurred today, and yet the day is over already. Still, in the time that has passed it's been a good day. I had a chance to see Rogue One with my cousins, but decided to skip. I went to the library and read books with my dad instead. Strange choice, I know, but I feel at peace with it. I rarely get to see my cousins, but spending that time in front of a screen didn't feel like the right way to honor time with them (and yet I am in front of a screen now; it's very easy to see my double-standard). I planned on taking them out dancing tonight, since they've never done that, but they both bailed as the time started approaching. That was a bit of a let down, especially since that meant that I wouldn't have a ride there and would need to stay home, but I quickly became at peace with it. I believe it is foolish to make one's own happiness dependent on the actions of others. What this scenario did do, was bring about was bad memories (or more accurately, I allowed my mind to bring them up). I haven't posted about this before, but it really hurt when I quit ballroom. It's long story why I left, but it was becoming a toxic environment. Leaving definitely felt like the right thing to do, but it hurt (and still does) to think of the loss of relationships that won't carry over into this next phase in my life. I'm trying to find a new social group to replace that one, since the last one really helped me to get out of my comfort zone and have lots of quality interactions with others. I'm hoping my friend's latin dancing club will be good fit, but I'll need to otherwise be on the lookout for other activities as a back up. On the bright side, I'm being more proactive about this challenge now that it is in the forefront of my mind, and have already been thinking of these activities.

@hycniejsy Life is a battlefield. I'll have to try that tip about smiling; it seems very simple, yet powerful. @Cam Adair I like that quote a lot. Build the positive and the negative will go away. 134 Days w/o Gaming, 10 Days w/o YouTube Some of my other family arrived today, and it was a really great experience to take it easy and joke around with them. I've spent most of the day talking with relatives, and haven't gotten much reading or math done otherwise; that's been good though. I can't think of a more important task right now than to spend time with family. Everything else can wait, it'll work out, but it's time to embrace the present moment. In fact, it's always time to embrace the present moment, but in this time specifically the planners and goals need to be put away for a time.

@hycniejsy Thanks for the support! As for the Latin, I was looking at the ole' declension charts last night after a long time of neglect, and you're absolutely right that bona is feminine. I've gotten very rusty. 133 Days w/o Gaming, 9 Days w/o YouTube The mind is a battlefield. On the one side there are positive thoughts moving us towards our goals one step at a time, and on the other there are negative thoughts that are reminding us of haunting memories from the past or of daunting challenges in the future. Moving on from the past is a major theme as I am rebuilding my positive attitude. On the flip side, I was able to see just a positive attitude can achieve. I visited a cousin who is an incredibly talented electrician, and hearing about his work ethic and aptitude for math were incredibly inspiring. If he can have success in pursuing his dreams, so can I.

@dandielionous It is, but I will make calculus my friend. I've been trying to cling to my Calculus for The Utterly Confused book, which ironically still confuses more (and I chose it over Calculus for Dummies, which also ironically, was too advanced for me). I'm going to ace it though, because I'm enjoying the challenge. @Tatu92 A really wise guy commented earlier in my journal (@tirEdOrange) that one can best help others when he primarily is focused on developing his own life, and then invites others into it. It's advice I try to remember. Enjoy your holiday too! 132 Days w/o Gaming, 8 Days w/o YouTube Today was definitely a challenge to stay authentic and maintain my joy, with all of the politics of trying to please my relatives. On the flip side, it was incredible to be with them and focus on friends and family throughout the day. Likewise, I was a bit nervous when I remembered that the relatives I'm staying with tonight were big gamers and would have an unattended Xbox near my room. I'm staying vigilant, but my fears have been unfounded so far; I've mainly been speaking with my cousins about non-gaming hobbies they have, and one of them was teaching me a lot about how computer programming works. Vita bona est - Life is good.

131 Days w/o Gaming, 7 Days w/o YouTube This trip to see relatives has definitely been a good idea. It's helped me reset from my bad habits and start developing a lot of good ones. My positive attitude is being rebuilt piece by piece, my ability to have mutually meaningful interactions with others is coming back, and I'm becoming more focused about school. Particularly on that last point, I'm excited about the challenge of next semester. I have a chance to learn the habit of excellence. I might of said this in a previous post, but here it is again: I've struggled with math since I was in middle school, and it's exciting to have a chance to prove to myself that I'm "just not good at math" is a false excuse, when I take Calculus I. I've been studying the history behind it and a lot of the terms, and it has been very interesting. As far as concepts go, even the beginning ones look like some ancient indecipherable language to me. Still, I feel a sense of urgency to change that before classes begin, and I wholeheartedly believe I will succeed in doing so. "Aut viam inveniam aut faciam." I will either find a way or make one. -Hannibal

130 Days w/o Gaming, 6 Days w/o YouTube I enjoyed the challenge of today, because my joy was put to the test multiple times. I don't want to be overly verbose here, but they involved being able to mitigate negativity both within and without. I am getting stronger in being able to defend myself against these attacks. I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. My only wish is that I could get more of my work done, but that drive too may be an enemy if it is not tempered. One more thing: I was thinking last night about how all too often I fall into the trap of trying to be the "nice guy" and give way too others expectations. Compassion is one of my three core values, but I've come to discover that I can do so much more towards that end by being authentic. I'm tired of trying to be what others want me to be. The best thing I can do for both myself and for the world is to become who I have set out to be. I have faced some setbacks in the past, and even today, trying to do that, but I know that this is the best path.

Have you ever read the works of the Stoics? Marcus Aurelius's Meditations and Seneca's On Peace of Mind are two really good ones that are free on the internet. The Spark Notes version of their teachings is that the keys to happiness and achieving one's dreams lie in trying to focus on what can be changed, while moving on from what cannot. It's the art of making one's mind a fortress that the outside world can't harm. I've been stuck in a victim mentality a lot too lately, and remember the Stoic teachings I've studied have really helped me.

Hey Tatu, I just wanted to let you know that you seriously inspire me bro. You're going out there, trying new things, and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. You're doing it right, and if you keep on this path I bet you're going to see some serious dividends paying off in the near future. Also, I can completely relate to the situation you're running into with your volleyball group. I recently had a similarly difficult situation with the main social activity I've been taking part in (ballroom dancing). It's not fun, but going through that situation has taught me some incredibly valuable lessons, made me much stronger emotionally, and gave me a chance to stand up for my own character. I hope the same for you.

129 Days w/o Gaming, 5 Days w/o YouTube It's good to be away from home and with relatives. Talking with them has been great, and in my free time I've continued to read a lot. More and more I'm building the habit of reading, which is far more useful than anything electronic entertainment could provide. I'm actually learning things, increasing my knowledge and my perspective on the world. I'm also building a greater work ethic, and am slowly progressing towards the goals that were stalling out before I started on this detox. Furthermore, I've been thinking more about what I said concerning happiness this morning. I found myself stalling out in my outlook this afternoon, feeling disconnected from humanity and very unhappy with myself. I chose to fully live in the moment and push the negative thoughts of the past and the worries of the future away. As I lived in the here and now I connected with the universe and was fully content. Nothing else matters other than making the fullest of the time I have now. The only way I can become the person I want to be is by putting one foot in front of another. To Pluto with the past. Three quotes from Seneca to ponder: "A man is as miserable as he thinks he is." "True happiness is ... to enjoy the present, without anxious thought of the future." "If you wished to be loved, love."

128 Days w/o Gaming, 4 Days w/o YouTube I was on the road almost all of yesterday driving to visit relatives, so I'm going to retroactively post for the day to keep the chain going (Jerry Seinfeld's #1 advice: never break the chain). I had a lot of time to read and think since my parents drove most of the way. I'm still trying to maintain a positive attitude, because my number one detractor throughout my life has been my own mind. I don't know when that habit developed, or when it came back in force in the last few months, but I plan on stopping it here. As I think about it, I believe a lot of it comes from a sense of entitlement. Entitlement to friends, success in school, easy success in the habits I build and the interests I pick up. Silly thinking. I let go of those expectations, and do continue to strive towards my goals, but enjoy the moment whether I am in adversity or clear waters. In fact, adversity makes me strong, and therefore the time I am in is something I should truly appreciate. I overlook this all too often, but every moment is miraculous. Being alive, being surrounded by incredible senses, experiences, and people. It's in moments like these that I can see the folly of negative thoughts. We are surrounded by positivity and beauty, and we only need to be open enough to it to take it in. Maintaining that attitude will be the key to safeguarding my joy.

@Cam Adair "Happiness is a journey, not a destination; happiness is to be found along the way not at the end of the road, for then the journey is over and it's too late. The time for happiness is today not tomorrow." - Paul Dunn 127 Days w/o Gaming, 3 Days w/o YouTube I'm starting to get the hang of this studying thing, though my strategy is a bit unconventional, . I start studying Calculus until I get burnt out, then move on to some physics, then Anatomy, then repeat; if I get burnt out from all three I read Dune for a bit and then jump back into it. I was actually enjoying getting work done, rather than trying to sneak onto the internet on the first possible opportunity. Speaking of Dune, it was hard to set it down today and is where I spent most of my time. Books are easily superior to video games if you find the right one. I have yet to hear of a video game that can come even close to the world crafting of Frank Herbert or Tolkien. The other thing I did today was meeting a friend for dinner. We spoke further on the topic of the transience of most friendships, "fair-weather friendships" she called them, and we came to a lot of good conclusions. Bottom line is, one cannot have the quantity or quality of one's friends be a major determining factor for his or her happiness (to continue yesterdays thoughts on the matter). I was happy today because I was satisfied both when on my own and with my friend. Even when there were snags in both situations, I was still at peace because the peace came from within Furthermore, having many friends is great, and having quality friends is incredibly important, but both will increase when one is grounded himself/herself. I want to end this post with a quote from one of my favorite people, "The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature." - Marcus Aurelius

Thanks @Tatu92 and @dandielionous! Having you all to support me has really helped in getting here. 126 Days w/o Gaming, 2 Days w/o YouTube Simple summary of the day: read a lot of Dune (and a little of the Calculus book), got a couple chores done, lifted weights, spoke with a few strangers while waiting and riding on the bus, and even helped someone find their stray dog, so I'm pretty pleased with the outcome. Also, reading fiction is definitely a good replacement activity for online entertainment, but I'm thinking that I need to branch out and make sure I'm going out and doing things with friends next semester. On that note, it's been really bugging me that my friend was right when she sensed that I wasn't happy with this stage in my life. I have so many good things going for me. Yeah, my grades and lack of close friends are a problem, but I'm taking proactive steps towards preparing for next semester. Besides, happiness is an internal choice, not an external circumstance. The bottom line is that we choose whether we are going to be happy or not. I haven't been looking at the root of the problem. Thinking that quitting video games/youtube will help me reach my goals and be happy has it all backwards. Being happy will help me quit my bad habits, will allow me to get better grades, and will enable me to be a better friend. My focus for the next month is to choose to be more positive minded. My prediction is that I'll be consistent with my other goals (to reiterate: spend less time online, prepare for school more, and have more quality interactions with other people) if I am consistent in this focus.

@Jaydarian I appreciate the support! When I'm at home I read (mainly non-fiction, but some fiction). On campus I hang out with friends and frequently go out dancing on the weekend. As you can tell, I currently don't have a lot of non-gaming hobbies, but I'm trying to cultivate the few I have. @dandielionous Thanks for reading my journals! I know it can be pretty scattered at times, especially since I was writing as thoughts came into my head. The timer idea is great and I'll start with this journal. As for being hard on myself, I love hearing other perspectives, but I find myself not being strict enough. It's embarrassing to admit this, but I failed two courses this semester due to my habit of being on the internet instead of studying. By keeping myself held to a high standard of accountability I hope to overcome my fear of the discomfort that studying brings and start succeeding in college. So far this strategy has allowed me to quit gaming for as long as I have on this streak. I do try to avoid beating myself up, and the vast majority of the time have a very optimistic attitude, but I do get discouraged sometimes by all the times I mess up. I try to learn from my mistakes and move on when that happens. Anyway, feel free to post suggestions if you have a better method in mind than what I have been using, your opinion is valued here. Lastly, the bit about social activity is also worth speaking on. I don't have a car and am limited to meeting friends when I'm on campus or when they pick me up, so I don't have too many options. As for actually having friends, this is also difficult to mention, but I don't have too many solid ones which is why I'm quite often solitary. That's part of my journey right now, learning to trust and open up to others after all of the friends that I've lost over the years. Dancing has been my primary way of overcoming that, and I'm excited to learn the three styles you mentioned above in my friend's Latin dancing club. I just came from a ballroom club and can tell you that Tango is definitely all it's cracked up to be, though I personally enjoyed Rumba even more. Also, thanks for the book recommendation . 125 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube I'm back in the saddle. I read Dune most of this morning and have otherwise been doing lots of chores. Since I'm on break I don't have actual "studying", but I have a book on calculus I've been going through to try to build up that habit even during this time. I don't think I even read a page of it, even though I scheduled in the time for it last night. I'm thinking the core of my problems may not be video games/the internet, but maybe it has to do with why I am so adverse to studying. I honestly don't understand it, because I genuinely do enjoy many of these subject. I think it's a case of hedonia: wanting a short-term reward instead of focusing on a long-term goal. I was texting a friend last night and she was concerned at how few short-term goals I have to look forward to. She sensed that I wasn't happy in life, and while this isn't always the case, that's frequently true. I'm just tired of screwing up and tired of being on my own. The difference in perspective is that she and many other people I've spoken to believe the solution is to focus more on short term pleasures or by lowering my goals to more easily attainable things. That may make me happy for a time, but I've tried both of those and I'm ultimately unfulfilled. I told her that true happiness comes from within, something that one can have only through being at peace with himself/herself. That's the problem, I have trouble being at peace with myself when I'm stumbling on the path towards my goals. It's like the Devil's Snare in the first Harry Potter movie, where the key to freeing yourself from the plant comes from not struggling. I need to be at peace with myself first, and from there I can work towards accomplishing my goals. I need euthymia. "Happy are those who dream dreams and are willing to pay the price to make them come true" - Anonymous.

@Reno F That's a long story. Short version is that the negatives of doing ballroom were rapidly starting to outweigh the positives near the end of the semester. The good news is that I have a friend starting up a Latin dancing club next semester, so I plan on transitioning over to that. As for today, I better start over the count again, I screwed up. No excuses. I'm just tired of it. Replacing addiction with the work I need to get done in school and outside of it is probably the most important aspect towards better my life right now, and the one that I fail on day after day. It feels like it's an unwinnable task; I'm certain it is winnable though. I've quit playing video games. Sure there are temptations occasionally, but I've quit them. If I can do that, why do I say that it's so impossible. If it's this important to me, then it's very possible. I'm done with being a screw-up, I'm ready to start doing things right. Those are just words right now, but I hope to see them become a reality. How I can do better: I have a lot of free, unstructured time on the weekend that I need to plan out. Right after I'm finished with this post I want to plan out tomorrow, and make it a realistic plan. I also need to disassociate bad habits with the places where I try to get work done. If I'm going to do a relaxing or (in the worst case scenario) time-wasting activity I need to do it somewhere other than at my desk. Lastly, I need to have relaxing, non-internet related activities to turn to for breaks. I get burnt out if I just trying to put my nose to the grind stone without doing something easier when my mind resists. Far, far better to read a book than relapse, even if I'm putting my work aside.

Day 2 I'm finally finished with exams. This is where things have gotten dicey in the past. I'm about to have a month of free time. Traveling to see relatives will help, but I'll still have plenty of opportunities to be lazy and fall into bad habits. If I am to ever master my habits I must not let this happen. I have quite a few books out to focus on and keep me busy. Today was very productive, and I'm equally excited about tomorrow. "Well done is better than well said." - Ben Franklin