Shonnasen The Light

2021, September 23 Summary: 3 hrs of games spread out through day time, then from 10 PM - 7 AM straight playing. total: 12 hours within a 24 hour span, for 1 day. Facts: - Having a lot of free time - Not having a 9-5 job - I was seeking reawrd after some hard work - I was bored - I was not willing to do other activities during that time - after playing: fingers, back, neck, body, eyes, butt aches - went to sleep at 7 AM, and woke up at 12 PM - state of mind after over-playing: "It hasppened again. Well, it can't be helped. I do like games and the body-aches are real. I did not cause harm to others, for now. I derserve hapiness. I can start to make things better right alway. I do not need guilt or shame; they are the killers for positive attitude and focus. What happened, are the past now, can not change it, let me start a better day with pround, hope and love, and write these things down to make sense of what I did, and give me some wisdom for the next trail ahead." My awareness: - this time, there is less shame and beating-myself-up-for-nothing. This seems quite powerful. In the past, whenever I over-played, I think I went into a temporary "F*ck, I am worthless..." attitude. That is killer for hapiness, man ! Why do I have that ?? It does not make sense. I am going to do positive self affirmation every day now, I'm telling you. I need to turn this nasty self-discrimation attitude around, killl those nasty venom bugs; all hail Ophra Winfrey ! I am WORTHY !! Future Stratagies: More real-people conection will come to me, or I will go find them. I can sense it happening. Playing eill still be there. The first step is releasing the shame, is standing up. Keep up self affirmations, controll play time whenever possible, but do not force it. I am grateful for: - a high performance PC laptop so hat I can play on-line games soomthly - my parents keeping me informed on my future traveling plans; keeping me accountable for everything; even the naggings - Cam, Videogame Quiters, Intenta; they give me strength and a better way to express my fellings - the existence of the internet !! I am healing and becoming a better human being because I find so much valueable knowledge on the internet !

I am happy that someone is sharing ideas. I think whether it is an enemy is not important here. The important thing is: We find what works, and your method can be different from mine. Actually, Po's reply got me thinking. The best way to understand all these conversations, is: I find something new that will help me to recreate my habits that ONLY WORKS FOR ME (once I am better, I will start helping others, but the 1st step is to heal myself). You can not help anyone if you are down in the dumps, because you have nothing positive to share, you have to gather whatever little postivie energy to keep yourself in one piece and figure out how to be better. I am just talking about what works for me. I think we all have to follow some other people's examples and take a stand on different opinions. I have seen people talking about fighting video games as the nemesis. If it works for them, I think that's great. It gives me the motovition to continue working on myself because someone else has done it, that means I can make it too ! ~

date: 2021, Sep 22 I'm gratiful for: 1. The exsistence of gamequiters. It will help me finding a better life 2. My mom and dad. They have endured, with me on this journey of finding my emotional needs and fulfill them 3. My parents letting me staying in their house when I am low on money and struggling with videogames 4. being able to still having the ability to feel good after whatever that's happened Sleeping habit: getting up - 6:30 am going to bed - 11:00 pm , it has lasted for: 7 days Game time: on everage---- 1 hour(s) per day , current career status: freelance translator, little income Things I did to replace some game time for the same emotional needs: - vivsitng my dad's little farm yard with my mom and have a special meal together for a holiday celebration - talking to my mom about my gaming issue and the conection between addiction and childhood, with a respectful attitude that is different than the heated blame games before Random notes: I read a couple others' jounals. I think most of them talk about gaming as "an enemy" that need to be defeated, and they tend to completely stop gaming in a very short period of time. I do not know how long they have been having that habit. I do not believe in quick fixs. I think gaming is just one form of the million things you can do to fulfill emotional needs. Simply by forceful distraction will not solve it in the long run; I failed quiting so many times, because for me , I thought gaming is "an enemy", not my "kindness" to help me deal with lonelyness. I will work with it, not work against it. And I surrender to my needs for love. I need love. I can not do everything by myself. And I cry, a lot. I think I should stop pretending to be tough.