Arthur

Reading your diverse yet relatable stories truly helps me to continue my decision to never game again in my life, so I want to repay you with writing my own! This post will be long, but it might be useful for the younger guys especially! I am 27 y.o. from eastern Europe, and I played video games since I was born. I was always slightly more enchanted by them than my peers. Be it Crash Bandicoot when I was a little kid, or Call of Duty and Warcraft 3 in my early adolescence, I was constantly either playing games or thinking about my next gaming session. Then my parents started fighting regularly, and I've immersed myself deeper than ever into gaming to run away from depression and anxiety - my only friends at that time where guys in internet cafes that shared the same passion. I've started to play Dota and WoW everyday, stole money from my parents just so I can keep playing in cafes (they tried to limit my play), etc. Later I started to play competitive League of Legends, and I was in top 50 best ranked players in Europe. I've played against professionals at that point and I was considering going pro myself. But at the same time, my real life circumstances where more interesting and challenging than ever. I was getting closer to graduating highschool so I had to prepare for university entry exams, my parents stopped fighting so I was more relaxed and I really wanted to get a girlfriend. So I've decided to quit gaming and use my intellect and persistence to be finally good at life. And I've succeeded! It was all really difficult of course. Studying can rarely be as engaging as video games, but that was a piece of cake compared to my struggles with girls. I was inexperienced 18 y.o. who was filled with anxieties, but little by little I've improved my emotional and social skills. My life got better, and better, and better in every possible way! 2 years later I was excelling in my university (after I switched majors, followed my passion), I was extremely popular and I could choose basically any girl I wanted. When I was 20 I've started my first serious relationship with a girl who truly loved me. I thought I was on top of the world, and in a lot of ways, I was. I told myself never to waste another second in gaming, because real life is infinitely more fullfiling. But then things started to get worse. When I was 21 my parents started to fight again... my father discovered that my mom was cheating on him for the last couple of years. Everything turned to hell. Things where so bad that after a year the whole family was either on medications or going to a psychotherapist, including myself. After that my father had 2 strokes and almost died, then my best friend quit college and wanted to kill himself, then my 2 aunts divorced, one got into incredible debt after losing her job, and the other was making police reports against her ex-husband. My father was in resentment towards everything, he hated everybody and I wasn't able to help him, my mother was crying in my arms every conversation we've had. For 2 year I didn't pass a single exam. Didn't even show up to class. I have completely regressed back into my own undeveloped self. I got depressed, anxious, insecure (which started to disturb my relationship in big ways), bitter. I was hopeless and felt helpless. Worst thing is that I didn't even make a conscious decision to put my education on hold. Every week I was telling myself that I will get back to it. This was a time that I started to game again. Dark souls, Tekken, Paladins, Skyrim, Heroes of might and magic, a bit od Dota 2, a bit of LoL, etc. A long forgotten defense mechanism was back on track. Then another couple of years passed in failed attempts to get better, unsurprisingly. I've developed deep shame over my failures. Talking to my university peers and professors started to became insufferable, they all had big expectations of me and I disappointed them. My depression got better, but anxieties got worse and worse. I was gaming more and more. Fast forward another couple of years and here I am. Still didn't finish my university (my family and close friend don't know how far behind I am), without a girlfriend for 2 years now (had a couple of failed attempts with incredible girls, I was too emotionally unstable), living with my father and younger brother. And then corona happens and I start to play WoW again. Last couple of months ended in a blink of an eye. Me and my younger brother where playing WoW between 12 and 16 hours a day. I ignored calls and massages from close friends, everybody except my family. But luckily, my behaviour became so bad that I couldn't ignore it anymore and I quit gaming for good a week ago. I called my friends and apologized for my behaviour, and they've all forgiven me. I have decided to try my hardest to get myself outside of this hell and I know I can make it. What I need is courage to fight my battles and to fix things I have broken along the way. Also I need strength to overcome my accumulated shame, and this forum helps me because I see how much of you guys lived in same denial and flight from life as I did. I have realized that my relationship with gaming always was and will remain unhealthy. When I game I successfully ignore everything around me. I flee into gaming. it is a substitution for my real life and I see that I would ruin everything if I continue to game. I would likely kill myself down the line if I continued to game. So I had to stop and I will never return to it. Now I've seen how easily I turn from casual to hardcore gaming - it is way beyond my control. I think it is easier for me to quit than a lot of you guys because I have seen how good life can be without gaming, if you apply yourself and take a more active approach to career and relationships. Trust me - you can live 100 times a more fulfilling life than the one you lived all those years gaming. And I wish you best of luck! Just remember - it is not enough to just quit gaming! You NEED to find something healthy to replace it! Meeting new people, finding a hobby, getting your education and working on your career is life! Go live, dream and be BRAVE! Bravery is a most important cure against anxiety and depression. Bravery is not fearlessness, but going forward despite the fear. You can do it!