ThePerfectApology

Day 32 (23/3/2016) Sometimes I feel like I have lost the ability to think for myself, which has led me to indulge in dogma. Dogma can be a scary thing (lies put down by other people as truth), since it gives you faulty logic. And faulty logic can be a real pain when changing your life. My best example of faulty logic is how much math I'm doing after quitting school: 4 - 6 hours every single weekday. I've always heard people say "more is better, study as much you can", but I have now understood that this is wrong. It is much better to work 3 effective hours 5 days a week, than 6 ineffective hours 5 days a week. Because my brain starts messing up after 3 hours, I start doing silly mistakes and so on. Gratitude journal: -chair for my piano -pencils -full moon -birds chirping outside -great TedTalks -parents -family

Thank you for the kind words friend, I really appreciate it !

Day 31 (22/3/2016) No gaming, no gaming, no gaming. Gratitude journal: -house -oranges -not having to go to school -toilet paper -light -technology -dog

I've only watched one movie where he acts, but yeah he seems really good! That movie is actually on netflix so I'll definitely check it out.

Day 30 (21/3/2016) Have had some rough days lately but still not playing games. Watched a movie called Groundhog Day this afternoon and it got me in a really good mood. Good night ???? Gratitude journal: -earl grey tea -money saved -going to the military -warm house -John Lennon -my own piano <3 -amazing grandparents -rain (washes the car for me)

Hmmmm.... take lots of long walks, visit my neighbors, maybe hitting up the local swimming hall. I'll insert it into my calendar, and plan my next weekend too.

Day 28 (19/3/2016) Today was really depressing. My family left for their easter holiday while I chose to stay home, for some reason. I still did my meditation though and I took a long walk and drank lots of water. God, I wish I went with them. Just thinking about it makes me sad. I watched a Ted talk today, which talked about how relationships are the key ingredient to a happy life. I can believe that. In fact, I know it is to be true. That's why I need to get out of the house a couple of times these 10 days I'm alone, so I won't loose my mind. My biggest fear right now is my future. I quit school for all the right reasons: bad teachers, irrelevant subjects, teenagers sitting all class browsing Facebook. Now I can do 5-6 hours of math on KA Monday through Friday, investing in myself. My goal is to become a professional in artificial intelligence, but to do that I have to do a lot of statistics, programming and math. I just wish I could know if the dots would connect in the future. I have taken the lonelier road in life. My childhood friends are all either working as apprentices for some craft, or going to school. They like to laugh behind my back now, calling me that weird kid who couldn't finish school like everybody else. But I always thought there was something more to life, you know? Something else than just growing up, getting a family and then die? When I am in pain I like to resist it, fight it, fend it off. Just for another day. Or month. Or year. Perhaps that's why I played video games. To cover up the fact that I had no purpose in life. By embracing the pain and the sorrow, not running away from it like I used to, I feel like I have become stronger. I really hope this Udacity nanodegree is gonna work out. Some people might say "oh, you're not going to a university, you must be stupid". I will show them otherwise. I will be one of many to come that will educate themselves from home. I have already experienced the world, met different people, tried different cultures. That's a big part of why many people go to university and I don't need it. I need knowledge, I need time and I need purpose. Gratitude journal: -grateful for the fact that I am in a position where I can help people in the future -food on the table -cash to buy living necessities -access to heating -21th century -nice dog -warm water -clothes Quote of the day: some people die when they reach 25, but don't get buried until they are 70. -Benjamin Franklin

Day 27 (18/3/2016) Still no gaming.

Interesting links. I like the talk about the growing mindset. I think not to procrastinate isn't easy, it needs energy every time to do the "right" things. And if you do too much "right" things a day it gets harder and harder to force yourself into them. To do this you need to have the right mindset. There are now two ways to become more effective. 1) You change your life in a way that it costs less energy to do the right things even if they suck and are hard. I count in this category creating habits wich make things easier(clean desk),figure out at a daily plan what is important and do it it first(more motivation more energy)., make use of your natural energy levels. 2)You train your brains capability to force yourself into resisting impulses and to do what you have to do, instead of what your instant gratification monkey says. Here I would sort in some things like meditation training, willpower training, increasing your capability of forcing yourself into something. Also use proudness and appreciation for your achievements as rewards to train your brain faster. The things under 1) are relatively easy strategys wich can be achieved and implemented in a short time period( maybe 1-4 weeks). The points at 2) need practive over a long time and I think you get better there only gradually. It is really like strenght training. Optimize your training, make a plan and then stick to do the work and just force yourself to do it. Here is consistency the key. Better do less and do it everyday. Sorry I know this is a little much for a comment, but i started and had fun structuring my thoughts about this. PS: another good article about procrastination and strategys against it is this one. Thanks for the great advice, I especially like the part on making a plan to get greater willpower! I will definitely try that.

Day 25 (16/3/2016) I read somewhere that having the right philosophy is key since it formes your attitude, which forms your opinion, which forms your action, which forms your life. That is all well and good, if you have the right one. If you, like me, have the wrong mindset -which I'm sure a majority of us have - you struggle with everyday things that should be obvious. Not drinking soda is hard, not sleeping in is hard, not procrastinating is hard. Life, your life, is not something you can invest in (at least in your eyes). And that's when you know the instant gratification monkey has taken over. Read this if you haven't as it is key to understanding what I am going through. And watch this also btw. When I'm doing something unpleasant I can either give up, or continue. Now all logical statements and facts say to never give up, here's a few good quotes to underline my point: "If you're going through hell, keep going" -Winston Churchill "Be honest with yourself, and with people. Be punctual, never give up, achieve your goals, even when everything goes bad. -Steve Jobs "First they ignore your, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win" -Mahatma Gandhi "I haven't failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work" -Thomas Edison So why do keep screwing up? Why is it when I'm solving a really hard math problem and I cannot seem to solve it yet, I would rather give up and do something else? Even the smartest scientists haven't truly figured this one out yet. My opinion is that the brain is freaking complex, and you are born without any instruction - manual for it so you gotta figure it out yourself. My conclusion or cure if you would like it is this: "Just do it". Popularized by Nike in the 20th century it will be my new symbol for getting through everyday life. That's right, just fucking do it! Don't listen to your emotions, don't listen to the pain, don't listen to the fatigue, listen to yourself and just fucking do it! Because deep inside you, in your soul, there is a voice which knows what to do. It might get buzzed out by life, but it is still there. And the best way to listen to it is "to just do it!". Gratitude journal: -moon in the night sky -fresh evening air -my own keyboard -roof over my head -great rolemodels -positive going curve in life

Day 24 (15/3/2016) Sometimes I wish I had a magic closet like they had in Narnia, only mine would lead into a sick gaming room with the most beast computer on the planet. There would be a mini-fridge full of energy drinks there, and lots of yummy candy with extra bowls filled to the top with chips, and a scantily clad Emma Watson as my personal assistant. Time would stand still while I was away, so whenever I got tired of gaming I could just jump back into my own world. Sadly nobody has invented this yet so I guess I'm stuck here until then. Finally managed to create a flower in javascript, and well on my way to read sheet music on the piano. Not much more to say tbh. I still have not relapsed but I won't let my guard down. Anyway, I should go to bed. Gratitude journal -music -half moon -beautiful stars in the night sky

Hiking trip sounds like a lot of fun, I'll check that out. There are mountains all around where I live so I'm sure there are lots of opportunities. Thanks Cam! Take a picture and post it here!

Day 23 (14/3/2016) A couple of days ago I dreamed I was watching Youtube videos, League of Legends to be exact. Stranger things have happened. Anyway, gooooood morning Vietnam! I mean Norway. Today has been a 10/10 day. You know why? I finally understood the sin cos tan function in math. This is a big deal to me because it was one of the most magical, weirdest, most unfathomable thing to me before. The first time a teacher introduced it to me in class it went like this: "ok class, if we type this number divided by this number into the calculator, then we get this weird number that is less than zero. Now if we take this weird ass number and put it in a thing called a sine (inverse) on our calculator, we get an angle!" Hmmm ..... I also did my gratitude journal when I woke up, went for a walk and drank a lot of water. Furthermore I tried making my second computer program/drawing of a flower, which gave me a lot more respect for computer geeks, given just how hard it is for me to draw a flower in javascript. Lastly I played piano, making some slow and steady progress. I'm not bragging btw, only telling the truth. I like trying to focus on the positives, and rather think of negatives as "feedback" for what I need to improve on. Gratitude journal -neutral smell in room -promising future of humanity -mas tecnologia para me -el árbol con muchas de aves

Hiking trip sounds like a lot of fun, I'll check that out. There are mountains all around where I live so I'm sure there are lots of opportunities. Thanks Cam!

Day 22 (13/3/2016) Filled out my calender for the next five days, leaving no time for boredom. Inserted gratitude journal in the morning (self - experimenting since I already have one in my detox) and scheduled piano, programming and reading in the evening. My biggest problem now is the weekends, as there is a lot of free time to be filled and not enough activities to fill them with. Gratitude journal -great sister -access to this community -great dinner -clean room -cozy weather -beautiful scenery outside

Day 21 (12/3/2016) 21 days without gaming whoooo! And some other great news: tomorrow I'm going to create my new calendar for the the next week/month! The old one was getting well... kinda old and I want to implement some new routines into it. Not sure why, but for me planning really helps me get stuff done. I also finished the slight edge today and I hanged up a picture of jeff olsons compounding simple habits graph. One of my goals for the next months is not only to read all these books like respawn and the slight edge, but also embody it. There is a huge difference between just understanding intellectually and actually doing/embodying it. But as always, one step at a time. Rome was not built in one day. Gratitude journal: -light to read with -heat to keep me warm -a comfortable bed -peaceful environment -nice calculator -warm tea -great books to read for small amounts of money

Thanks Mario! I started playing piano a month ago by watching the videos in this series. I didn't really play piano before, except for one time when I learned myself "an end once and for all" from mass effect 3.

Day 19 (10/3/2016) The good Still no video games, thank God. Progress has been good on KhanAcademy where I slowly and steadily have been churning away through algebra 2. Subscribed to headspace for a month, and have been meditating each day now for over two weeks. Also been going on 40 minute walks everyday with my dog. Piano and programming lessons have been going good, and this week I have merged them to create a simple program. It just displays note values and such, but I'm proud of it. Furthermore I have been drinking a lot of water the last days. The bad I feel like I have been dishonest with myself through my whole detox. I should have made a plan to avoid all unnecessary use of the computer from day one, but some days I have spent an unforgiving amount of time on sillyness, like Netflix and the likes. Problem Family has invited me on their yearly holiday trip, and I don't want to go. Why? Because holidays are there for people who need to recharge their batteries, and I feel fine. Besides I have a good thing going on here: progress in quitting gaming, going on walks, meditating etc. I feel like this will be jeopardized if I go with them. I will not be able to play piano for example while I am there, and theres no internet. On the other hand this will be my last chance to see my relatives for quite a while, especially my grandmother who has perhaps five years left to live. My family usually goes on a lot of mountain trips while they are there (exercise), and relaxes. I mean, I might be selfish but it's scary to think about that I might fall back into bad habits. Quote of the day (again) “It doesn't matter how slowly you go-so long as you do not stop.” ― Confucius Gratitude journal -Fresh air to breathe -Snow! -Shoes to wear -Jacket to keep me warm -new sweater -stars in the night sky -online education -TedTalks :)!

Day 17 (8/3/2016) Willpower is a mystery to me. I thought I had a firm grasp of it, but recently I have found that I might be mistaken. Here's the story: When I quit gaming 17 days ago I had an understanding with my brain. "I give you sugar, candy, energy drinks, and loud music so you won't sabotage me when I use my willpower on staying away from games. Deal? " Deal said my brain. Now I am finding that maybe my brain has been playing tricks on me. What if I actually have more willpower than I think I have, but my skull has convinced me that I haven't. I mean, my brain is addicted to endorphins right (?), and generally doing things I find uncomfortable don't release endorphins... This substance inside my head is trying to sabotage me! So therefore in one of the coming days I will do some self - experimentation. I will try to do everything I find uncomfortable for one day. Just one to get a better awareness of my limits, and getting to know myself better. I'm not sure I believe in people changing in a Herculean way, but I do like the thought of beating my skull - substance in its own game. Gratitude journal: -clean air -nice weather -friendly neighbors -cool dog -phone -supply of paper and pen -warm room Quote of the day: When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you. -Lao Tzu

Day 16 (7/3/2016) First day of my life where I followed a custom made plan made by myself whoooo! I noticed though that some routines were too ambitious. Adding an hour of Duolingo every day was a bit too much, as I am implementing slowly 30 - 60 minutes of piano and computer programming too. However what I was most happy with today was my own self - experimentation. I had noticed that around midday I was always feeling a bit cloudy and tired, to the point where I almost could not do any math at all. So what did I do? I tried implementing new routines, where I now meditate for 10 - 30 min on headspace (finished 10 day free trial, thinking about subscribing...), and afterwards take a walk with my dog. Results? Newfound energy which I use to program and play piano afterwards! I started reading the slight edge by Jeff Olson today also and it is truly amazing. Not only does it describes the math behind implementing new routines and how most people don't understand the compounding effect it has, it also shows how today's societies focus on short - term pleasure has put a veil in front of our eyes. Success is not something that comes out of nowhere, it is a long journey, and it starts by taking one step at a time. Though almost all self - help books like Respawn and many more understand this, The Slight Edge is the first book that really explains it deeply (Jeff Olson did not pay me to say this btw). Anyway, I'll try as hard as I can to follow my routines throughout this week, building the house one brick at a time. Gratitude journal: -gratified for staying positive -nice weather -awesome dog as always -my own piano Quote of the day When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. -Lao Tzu

Day 15 (6/3/2016) Finished respawn and have come to a conclusion. Not only can't I visit any gaming related stuff or games in general, I will also now include any sites on the internet that I have not preplanned to visit. Tomorrow's journal has already been filled up with activities for every minute (just testing) so I can finally feel like I am moving to the next level, without being dishonest with myself. I am not resetting to day 0, I am only just being honest with myself by seeing that the whole computer is the problem, not just gaming. Gratitude journal: -Stars in the sky -Warmth -loving family -truth

Haha true true

Day 14 (5/3/2016) I want to share a bit today about my own faults to whoever reading this and myself especially. First of all a quote by Richard Feynman: "The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool". I fool myself all the time. For example, I LOVE energy drinks. Battery, Burn, Urge, you name it. But energy drinks are possible the most unhealthy thing you can ever put into your body. So why do I still do it? Another example would be listening to music. I have nothing against music, but I use it as an escape, not as pleasure per se. If I am really struggling with a math problem and I can't solve it, I usually blast some really loud music. But again, it's not the right thing to do. Just when things get difficult that's when you have to keep going. But still, I don't listen to myself. A metaphor that I sometimes think about is two wolves fighting. The white wolf is a symbol of strength and the black wolf is a symbol of weakness. However the black wolf keeps winning, even though it is a symbol of weakness or unrationality. When I quit gaming before I tried to strengthen the white wolf, but I generally overreached. I tried doing to much at once, quitting sugar, exercising a lot while also not playing games. That's when I relapsed. So I instead tried quitting gaming, but left my other bad habits alone. But then I kinda "transferred" my addiction over to watching Youtube and mindlessly browsing the internet. The trick seems to be exactly what Respawn says, by planning ahead and inserting in new habits. Be proactive, not reactive. What I am finding though is that everything is easier said than done. And in the end you have to do everything yourself. All these self help guides are great, but it is up to you to create the new you. Nobody are coming to save you. Nobody. When I played video games I sometimes wished for somebody to save me from this endless cycle I was trapped in. That Elon Musk or Bill Gates suddenly rode into my room on magical unicorns, coaching and training and helping me. Wrong. We are all alone in this world, bound to create our own destinies. The answers are already there, we only just have to reach for them. I have many more demons I have to face in the times to come: my fixed mindset (trying to change this one), fear of social situations, self-fooling, unhappiness etc. To me though what matters is that I am moving forward, laying one brick at a time. I have many faults, but at least I am aware of them. Anyway, I'll try making this weekend a life changing one. Quote of the day: "When writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen" -Unknown Gratitude journal: -Healthy -thankful for being born in a safe country -Warm -gratitude towards my family for always supporting me. -Happy -having the best dog in the world

Day 12 (3/3/2016) I still haven't finished Respawn and it is bothering me to a huge extent. Why? Let me explain. Imagine yourself learning to drive. You practice, get the drivers license and take off one day. Then suddenly you remember that nobody taught you how to use the window-washers and the turn signal. Now extend that analogy over to me quitting gaming, and that's how I feel. The last days have been going well, but something is still wrong. I have done a lot of math, played piano, read my book, programmed and exercised. But I still feel like I'm missing something. As if I have made myself up a plan, but it is only 60% done and I have still 40% left to go. Tricky to explain this. The point is, this weekend should be all about finishing Respawn, implementing new strategies and creating a sort of master plan. If I get that done it will help me immensely, and it will rid me of my sense of guilt.

Day 11 (2/3/2016) "What fuels the fire of purpose is passion" I quoted some days ago, but what is passion made of? I've been thinking a lot about this today and I've come towards a conclusion: time and energy. Time is the medium that lets you pursue your dreams, a guardian that always takes and never gives. Energy is the loyal comrade of time, who supplies us humans with enough willpower and perseverance to plow through the obstacles that time leaves us. Through quitting gaming (hopefully) I have unlocked both of these deities for my personal use, and I will use them well. So long, and thanks for the fish! Quote of the day: Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice, and most of all, love of what you are doing. -Pele