Damiano

Day 52. Its amazing how fast can everything change. One day you might be a sad gamer, a month later you can be out there conquering the word, and then you can fall back into that sad chair once again. I dont see an easy way to achieve anything, in fact the idea of success and achievement makes me want to quit this whole lifestyle. I dn't like my life to be directed by this ideas. I want to live good, that is all. Make my life extraordinary for myself, and not by the aspirations of others. I keep hoping i will get to play some of the games i wanted to play before. I want to, and I don't.

I don't like the feeling of having a TODO list, because if I don't do something in that list, I feel i failed at something, which in turn makes me feel bad, and will slowly give me more cravings, which might lead to a relapse.

Day 51. No games today.

Archery, but it has a very limited time frame, and atmospheric conditions. I haven't found anything to do in those free time moments before sleep, or after waking up.

Day 50 Today I unsubscribed myself from all news and discount pages related to games. I haven't decided yet what to do with my steam and gog accounts. Im still not ready to let them go, which means only one thing... I haven't found anchors in this life without videogames. All my anchors are still in games, and those happy feelings they brought me. I must keep pushing, and move my anchors into this new reality. Must be very alert now, that things are going better, don't let my guard down and keep focused. Maybe 90 days without the gaming pc is too little time. We will se.

I have those moments as well, but i try to remember how I felt those moments in reverse, when i was gaming and had those clarity moments of, why i woudnt give to be out there end making an effort to be present. Keep working on strength, and move on.

Day 49. Its been a good day. I am improving my concentration at work, reducing amount of distractions. Games becoming less and less present in my mind, its going to be a while to make them disappear.

Day 48. Im thinking to visit a toastmasters meeting. Its scares the holy crap out of me, and it makes my brain go nuts making excuses as to why i shouldn't do it, and why i would be shit at talking, because its not my thing, and bla bla bla... If only we could only focus on the positive reasons as to why do stuff.... oh wait... we can lol. Some times there are more negatives than positives, but hey, why not do some crazy stuff, I already know what no doing anything looks like. Im growing in strength, determination, and most importantly, im starting to enjoy the things thats scare me, its kind of exciting, that anxiety...ok.... enough for now...no games today.

Day 47. Im slacking at work, its fucking boring, evenrything is the same fucking shit, over and over. I hate that. I know its just temporary, and its up to me to make it fun, but right now work seems like a secondary concern. A lot is happening, and the only reason for all of this "activity" is the time i got back, after removing games from my life. I dont know about you guys but no strategy game can beat this ammount of excitement and possibility. In the end, its all about putting awareness into stuff we want, and more of them will come about by themselves. Simply push in the direction you want to be moving. Its that simple.. and still the most difficult challenge we all face.

Day 46. Too much happening for games to even have a chance. I feel so much better without games. I no longer feel ashamed when someone asks me what i hace been doing, or what do you do on your free time. I always felt shame for not doing anything productive on my free time, or something cool. Right now i can proudly say, I train archery, go to the gym, and go on long walks in the forest picking up trash. I love that feeling.

Day 45. Well, today I made some real progress in respect to my personal development, and understanding of my behaviour. I will need to meditate on it to make it stick, but essentially my image of how a man is supposed to be was broken since early childhood. Catholic mother, drinking father, fear of hell and all that great stuff. But then again, i might be wrong No games today. Im thinking on unpacking my pc and start devoping some ideas for a bussiness. Going to think about it some more, just to be sure I can handle the temptation.

Real world is a mess, we all carry shit from out past, and it keeps us (me atleast) from everything. I know its just an excuse, i know i am feeling helpless and alone, just so my mind can stay in the comfort zone. I know all of this, and i can feel aout of it, but when the time comes to speak, to take action, my behaviour changes so drastically that some times i cant talk at all, frozen by panic. I believe thats what drives me to games, all that pressure, all that burden of my mind is inexistant, and i can be whoever i want to be, and persue those needs to help others. I wish i could be free, im working on it, but still havent found a reason for my fear of judgement.

Day 44. Well, i have a cold. damn. Hope it wont end up in a fever. I have been thinking about grand srtrategy games, and why they attract me so much. I thought it was because of the complexity, but thats not true, there are more complex games that dont give me satisfaction. It has something to do with Role playing a leader. When i ask myself what i would like to play, the portrait of a king comes to mind, a king with a country to rule. Also the feeling of oportunity, and possibility, like a fresh start. Also the thought of the people, and soldiers, and farmers and all that is present in my mind, and i want to help them make the best out of their time, so they can help the kingdom advance and be stronger, wealthier, smarter, etc.. Dont know if this makes sense to anyone. This is a smimilar feeling when i think about playing Democracy, which is much more simple, but still, the basic setting is the same. I am in charge of making other lives better, and that is what drives me to this games. .... maybe... maybe not.

Day 43. Im starting to feel sick, maybe a cold is comming or something like that. Its been raining for 10 days straight here, not a single sun chine or blue skies. I hope it clears at leas once before winter. last year we had 2 days of sun in 3 months of clouds. Today, as the custom dictates, was cleaning day. Kept myself busy. No games.... oh right, last night i couldnt sleep and downloaded a game for my phone, i seldom play anything there, so i start playin and its so damn boring, i could touch that screen for more than 3 min lol. uninstalled and went to sleep. Stupid time wasters.

I tried, but failed :), failed like 100 times already. I have failed to find another topic that would captivate me long enough, for the porn addiction to diminish.

Day 42. Today was a hard day in therapy. It was really difficult to open up to someone face to face about my problem of porn, and how it affects my mind and my life. I dont find games interesting today.

Hi, you are very lucky to have the will to quit in such early age. I hope you make it once and for all.

Day 40 Cant believe its already been so long.

Day 39. Just venting a bit. Fucking hell. Im falling appart, not in anything related to games, but in my mind. I had to end things with my gf, she just stopped caring, and im not going to force her. Its a good thing i have a therepist to talk to. No one else cares. I seem to care too much, maybe thats why people dont like me. I have to pay someone to listen to me lol. A wonderfull world. No im not going to play anything. I have been in bad shape before, i know how to handle it.

Day 38. I had no idea games had such a huge impact on my mind. I love and hate games almost as much as i love and hate myself... lol. I think about gaming, i wish for it, and cant wait untill i can play again, some feeling of relief right there. But at the same time i despise the idea of closing my self again. You know what would be an awesome idea, to live with a few people, guys and girls, all games, all having day jobs, and all taking care of echother, living together and having fun together, every day for the rest of our lifes. Every day would be friday

Day 36. Busy saturday, nothing special.

Day 35. Work work work.

I will complete this 90 days. Im wondering what kind of mindset will i be in after two more months. A lot is changing in my life, for good, i hope. I do have my gaming accounts, i will not delete them, dont see a point in doing so.

Day 34. No games. Missing them. I oppened the steam web page to check out what was going on, nothing of interest...closed it.

i do have a gf. I tried that detox, but broke.