Senescence

Yes, I've been reading up on exercise today while recovering too. Lots to learn about, so it's not just the time in the gym or running that ends up being put into the activity! I'm hoping to make it stick as my main active replacement for gaming. I used to love working out when I was younger, but lost my passion for it. I can feel it being revived now. I think I'm going to need a few long term goals eventually, I'm already catching glimpses of what I'd like to be doing once gaming is behind me, but for now I'm just focusing on taking small steps, day by day to just avoid gaming. I don't want to overwhelm myself and I'm pretty confident I'll be successful if I don't make that mistake.

Day 1 was a complete success. No video gaming whatsoever. I read a few testimonials and watched a few of Cam's videos to keep my mind on things when I would have normally played, but I didn't feel an urge to play. I got a gym subscription early in the day to change things and break my normal routine to remove its momentum-- and I ended up doing a 85 min workout there. When I came back I tuned in to the Dreamhack stream to see if it would make me want to play (I wouldn't have!) and was honestly bored. Closed it after 5 minutes. After that I had to take care of an injured stray cat so there was no time for gaming. I'm physically exhausted today, so it will be more of a challenge not to game, since I won't be able to be physically active at all. My plan for Day 2: - Watch a film and maybe a good TV Show (HBO's Making a Murderer) - Read a novel - Listen to some music - Clean up - Prepare some food, maybe a large batch for next week - Have some romantic time with my partner - Maybe go for a walk if I'm not too tired This is probably how most of my recovery days will look like.

Introduction + Day 1 Today I have decided to quit online (competitive) gaming. It is something that has been on my mind for the last couple of years. I don't know what pushed me to start it today, as nothing special happened. I usually quit things because I am frustrated with them, but I wasn't frustrated with gaming yesterday; I just feel like it's the right thing to do, and there is no point in waiting any longer. I have been playing online games since 1998 or 1999 with StarCraft. I didn't have a computer at the time, but I played at a friend's house frequently. When I was a kid, I didn't like being at home very much, because my parents didn't get along at all. I either escaped this circumstance through music or by going out with friends. When I got my first computer, I used the game as an escape a lot. I had some serious emotional problems and a severe anxiety disorder, so being at home and playing StarCraft was pretty much the only respite I had. It helped also that I was very good at it, it allowed me to feel good about myself. Lots of people looked up to me and wanted to play with me. I eventually represented Canada in the game and even went to play against the best player in the world at the time ([ReD]NaDa) and join his team (Sea clan). I slowly lost interest in the game, my skill plateau'd and I knew I wouldn't accomplish anything more, so I called it quits. I played a lot more Counter-Strike instead, which I was pretty good at as well. I eventually made the switch from StarCraft and Counter-Strike to online poker, because many of my friends had done it and were making money. I had never had any money in my life, so this was appealing to me. Many of the skills required to be good at StarCraft help with online poker, and I knew how difficult it was to hold a job with my anxiety issues and my compulsion to play games, so it was just a logical thing for me to pursue poker professionally. I played it for many years and was quite successful at it. Unfortunately, there wasn't much balance in my life while I played professionally. I wasn't addicted to poker and very much looked forward to not playing it every day, but I needed to be in a certain frame of mind in order to do this for a living, and it didn't go well with any intellectual or creative pursuits, so I didn't do any of that for many years. When I wasn't playing, I was often just consuming mindless entertainment, with the exception of music, which was my greatest passion. It's what allowed me not to turn into a machine, I feel. Fast forward a few years, I came to a point where I felt like I had neglected myself so much in order to accumulate wealth. It didn't feel right. I no longer enjoyed the game either, and I wasn't motivated to play since I had plenty of money and no real need for it. So I quit. In the first couple years after I quit poker I struggled with StarCraft II. I played it so much. Eventually, I successfully quit, discovered reading again, I exercised, I studied philosophy and psychology and read about a hundred books. I felt like someone, finally. Only problem is I had lost my circle of friends, who were still poker players and gamers, doing drugs, and overall having hobbies I could not relate to or participate in. I felt alienated and directionless, and ended up using gaming again to make up for the lack of satisfying relationships in my life, in part. In the last few years, I have been playing Counter-Strike Global Offensive and HearthStone. I alternate between them every day. I refused to see it as a problem for the longest time. I just didn't know what else I could do with my time. It's painful to think about all the things that are missing from your life when you aren't gaming and you have had an unusual life as a poker player and a recluse. But today, I decided that feeling that pain wasn't the worst of it. The worst is letting your life slip away doing things you don't even enjoy just out of habit. So this is Day 1 of my detox, and I welcome the pain (mostly the boredom!) that will get me closer to myself and what I really want to do with my life. I deleted my CS:GO and HearthStone folders earlier and I sold all my valuable skins in CS:GO (which isn't much, because I always thought it was a stupid thing to invest in, but it was freeing anyway!). I feel a bit odd being here because I don't plan to quit games as a whole since I have never had an issue with single player games. In fact, I've always had the opposite issue: not being able to play them for very long. I think it comes down to the fact that, when I play a single player game, I know that it has an end to it, so I want to delay gratification and I end up barely playing it as a result. This is a pretty healthy thing, so that's why I'm not concerned with quitting gaming as a whole. So, I will carefully monitor how I feel and if I end up wanting to play competitive games as a result of playing non-competitive games at a low volume, I will quit games entirely. Last year, I successfully overcame my food addiction. I lost 70 pounds and all my cravings. Overcoming my online gaming addiction will be harder, I think, so I'm hoping this journal helps me out. I will write my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis and whatever goals I might have. For today, I plan to tidy things up in my room, read a few chapters of a novel I've been procrastinating on, watch a good film (Moonlight), listen to music, and perhaps find something to study through YouTube or EdX. I'm planning to start exercising more as well. I have an indoor bike and elliptical, but I think I need a change of environment to really help me right now, so I'm planning to go swimming and maybe get a gym subscription. I'm not a fan of gyms and doing isolated exercises, but I feel like the change of environment would benefit me right now. We'll see how it goes.