Illegible scribbles

[Dante]

I have been waiting two days to write that post. I didn't want to begin my existence here as a person still drowning in games. I said to myself "let's wait one day, just as a small symbol of having real, actual intention to stop gaming like a madman".

So I did. First day was so exhausting. My thoughts were circling around playing just one game. Just a "quick install, one game, quick uninstall" thing, like it wouldn't be anything bad. I managed to talk myself out of it by reminding myself that such mechanism was used by me countless times and it had never worked that way, it never was just a one game. So I managed.

Second day was excruciating. I have felt angry, mad, pissed off and on the verge of finding all of you people and hit you in the face for coming up with that GQ idea.

-------------------------

I am 27 years old with lots of problems that amassed over the years.

I got so tired of that. To be honest, I am too tired to even write the whole story here, reliving all my mistakes and failures again and again. I do it constantly anyway, I don't need to enhance this by not only thinking about how much of a piece of shit I am, but also by writing about it. But to provide basic bullets about me:

• A suicide attempt
  • although got to be honest here, it was more of a shout for help than an actual attempt. Still though, I really did my best to cut my veins with a piece of broken bottle. I honestly tried to slit my wrist with it. I stabbed, I cut, I mashed broken glass into my wrist. After like thirty minutes, with only a tiny tiny trail of blood as an effect of my efforts, I gave up. Feeling even more like shit, because hey - I couldn't even kill myself. How weak is that.
• A university (college) failure
  • at my bachelor's I left my studies after two years (out of three) because I was so heart broken
  • at my master's degree it is even more shit, going through right now. I don't even want to begin that subject
• A fat, muscle-less kid
  • I didn't do anything "physical" in months, even though I'm regularly paying my gym subscription. I started to eat lots of junk food. I am not obese, it's just that I am...fatter than I used to be, and way way lazier
• Unemployed

-------------------------

Speaking of games, I have enjoyed many of them. I felt amazingly epic playing Mass Effect series, I loved Planescape Torment story ("what can change a nature of man?"). I got genuinely mad when that limping asshole kidnapped my daughter in Hitman. I bet I could give more examples, but you get my point - I won't argue that games are not entertaining, because they obviously are. I also played less story-immersive games and still got a great pleasure from that.

The point is that it came to situation in which I'd fantasize more often about playing. Many times I wished, during some social event that "ok, just two more hours and I can play again" or "God, I could be playing right now, why did I come to this lame thing". I have been regularly staying overnight playing, till 2 or 3 AM.

-------------------------

I think it's enough for now. Writing this goes way harder than I had thought. It feels like trying to drill through a solid rock. I feel genuine emotional pain while typing all those words, since I have the actual intention of changing everything.

I have a concept of my journal, it's just that obviously I am not quite ready to actually use that concept now. Too early; it's too much of a discomfort for me.

Well, I'll keep posting.

[Andre2807]

Nailed it right on the head when you said "it never was just a one game".

A mentor of mine once told me: Your direction, not your intention, determines your destination.

Both you and I, must follow our intention to change everything - otherwise we'll just be heading the wrong direction, with all the right intentions in the back seat.

[Dante]

@Andre2807,

thanks for the reply. To be honest, I usually laugh off many of "internet wisdom"; probably because of all those cliche motivation FB pages, pictures, fake success stories and so on. But yours seems to be pretty acurate and wise in its simplicity, intention is indeed just a false indicator of our real behaviour, it doesn't really do anything.

Cool beard man. Hope to see mine (profile pic is a bit old) that big one day.

 

------------------------------

Random, chaotic thoughts below, don't treat it too seriously:

 

Just a quick post to somehow ease my pain...I want to play so much right now. I am thinking to myself that well, what if I just set some time limits? Like, I can do whatever I want (which means: I can play intensively) since, let's say 8 PM to 2 AM, but before that I don't touch games at all.

On the one hand it sounds logical - to slowly decrease the dosage, instead of cutting it down at once. On the other, I remembered that I had such attempts before and it always ended the same way. Dosage was being "subconciously" (I was well aware that I was overstaying, I simply didn't want to quit) increased or there was one day when I would just say "fuck it man, who even cares, time to play 24/7".

So here I am, frustrated to my limits. I feel numb and angry at the same time. I don't install any games right now, but I am really close. If my GF wasn't around the house, if I had more comfortable place, then perhaps I'd be downloading something by now.

I also decided to stop with coffee, since that's another thing I was overusing. Drinking it litres every day, feeling worse and worse.

....I am so numb, I don't feel like I can write one good sentence. I am really "into" writing, I'd love to be a writer, I take pleasure in that, and yet currently I feel like I am just puking with my keyboard.

 

I am already bit cheating by watching all those "let's play" YT videos, compilations and other stuff like that, but to be honest...I can't imagine not doing at least that, I simply refuse the idea of not having at least that substitute.

Edited September 13, 2017 by Dante

[Cam Adair]

Thanks for starting your journal - it will help a lot. I'm so glad you are here with us. You are definitely not alone and we've got your back! 

[Dante]

I am fuckin dying to play something 

[Hitaru]

I am fuckin dying to play something 

You're not. No, seriously, literally breathe and think about it. The feeling you are experiencing is going to pass if you wait long enough. Put physical distance between you and games if you need. Try to simplify the fact that you're just not gaming, as a choice like any other choice. You are choosing not to game. Remember the reasons why you started. It's ok to feel furious and crazy about it, it will pass as well. 

[thehondasc00py]

This might also sound cliche but try not to resist or fight the suffering, but embrace it. What you resist, persists, and makes it so much worse. Acceptance is everything, try to open up to life and the shit you're going through, locate the physical sensations in your body, and really feel into them, feel their energy, integrate it. You can do this.