Feeling wasted, mental issues (?), just looking for help and advices

5 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hello, 

I am currently 29 years old and I feel like I am wasting my whole life time with gaming.

(Hope my english is fine enough to understand)

This all started like 10 years when CS:S was pretty hyped and go-to shooter on the internet.

I played this game every day, when I started to get better at it I looked for some clans/teams and tried to make friends, found a team then and I spent even more
time on it since I was the team-leader, so I made some tactics for the team, downloaded some tools with bitmaps from the maps, etc. 

Every evening then my team and I trained the tactics and we played some random 5's (I think at this time there was IRC still a thing. cuz we mostly looked there), after
all the up and downs (best we did was ESL Amateur league) the team broke we bitched at each other and I looked for another game.

Then I found LoL (League of legends) and this was the time where I noticed something changed with me - mentally. First half year or so was fine, but then
as soon as I got better at this game I started to rage at my mates when they did a mistake, same here - some up and downs, I couldnt get climb the rank because I was too bad and raged too much, so I quit it.

Went then straight to Dota2, but not for long (1 year or so), after Dota2 I found PoE (Path of exile) because I wanted a game where I am on my own and some kind of a no-brainer, so PoE was perfect.

After that I went to DayZ Mod (ARMA II) for a few months.
Since I wasted to much time in gaming I noticed "gaming is such a waste" so I quit and focused on my real interests: Web Security and programming, beside this I kept learning 
at PC Security at all (Repairing, malware analysis, reverse engineering and so on).

I deleted all the games and focused on all this stuff, learned it, read books, followed blogs, decent guys on twitter, started to hear podcasts, tried to learn more about electronics and so on, until last year at around august.

I found Rocket League then and made plenty of hours within a short amount of time, I read about how to get better, watched youtube for mechanics, watched and followed streamers and tried hard to get better.
Until today...

I have like 500-600 hours in rocket league and still can't get better, instead I still rage at my mates when they do one little mistake withing the first seconds of a match start, when they rage back I rage back at them, so it is like a little kid fight.
Also I am still not really that good at this game but can do some decent moves, anyways, today I noticed after loosing like 7-8 matches in a row "wtf I am doing here...raging at random guys who might be laughing their ass off and they are happy when they triggered me", so.. I googled and found this.

Here I am.

That's it for my gaming "carreer".

When I had the "quitting time" where I focused on the real things (WebSec and Programming) I even ordered a VPS (Virtual Private Server) and started to blog about it... now I pay it, the Blog is online but I am not doing anything on it, its just another Security necro blog flying around the internet.

As soon as I start to write something for it, gaming caughts my attention and so weeks or even months fly away.

Without even doing anything on it.

I cant get real work because I am either thinking "They dont want me anyways" or "My skills arent good enough to apply to this job", I do have a small, so called "mini-job" (here in germany), as an IT Service engineer, but it still feels wasted, because it kinda sucks there. 

My boss has weird dreams about the future of his shop and real jobs arent even getting in, just small "install the printer on the customer" jobs which is mostly done in 15-20 minutes...

So yeah, I think thats all for now. 

If you still have questions, let me know.

 

By all this writing I forgot to add:
In my free time I am watching random streams with some older games or guys/teams doing some marathons, etc. Not only in my free time, even when I am playing, so twitch is running all day long basically..

 

Edited by stablish
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Posted

Welcome! 

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Posted

It's tough man, feel your pain. - I was Masters in Starcraft, had full Tier 1 and 2 armor in World of Warcraft, hit Legendary in Hearthstone, and Onyx in Halo 5. There's something about trying to attain "mastery" in these games that I thought brought me pleasure, but really just lead to me letting things that were important to me wither away.

Streams are tough... I didn't play enough League of Legends to know what was going on but would watch IMAQTPIE for hours sometimes instead of going to bed... Sometimes it was Reynad and Hotform and I would tell myself I was "studying" Hearthstone. Other times it was Ninja, Soda, or even *cringe* LegendaryLea ...

It can get better. - The truth is it takes effort and time. - Lots of like minded people here, hope to hear more from you.

Cheers

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Posted

Welcome!

I also had some issues with raging when I was gaming (I could rage quit and uinstall the game). I also destroyed a PC once because I got so angry. So I know how you feel but don't worry - it'll get better. 

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Posted (edited)

I cant get real work because I am either thinking "They dont want me anyways" or "My skills arent good enough to apply to this job", I do have a small, so called "mini-job" (here in germany), as an IT Service engineer, but it still feels wasted, because it kinda sucks there. 

Dude, just start applying. It'll take months, but you'll find something. Don't quit your job though, hold on to it till you have something.

Write up your curriculum vitae, and if you've seen Microsoft Word, say you're excellent at it. And Excel. And customer talk and... I dunno... English? Should be enough qualifications for something new. Probably not fulltime - unless as a service technician, they'll take ya maybe. But you gotta collect experience somehow. Get more jobs under your hat for 2+ years (for each) and then you get to be something. Uni, Apprenticeship, evening classes are also an option. Just keep the job and go to uni.

If you think you are too old or not good enough - ya don't get any younger, or better like that. No one cares about it, if you don't care. I wouldn't even mention it anywhere. Just see to it that the curriculum vitae has no empty spaces and keep it real but use elaborate vocabulary.

 

And I found no mental issues. Don't assume those, that drags you down. Unless you get that feedback from friends and family.

 

Edited by destoroyah

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