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relapsing

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Posted

Hello everyone,

the time of the exams is over, and there is a good chance that I failed two of them. I didn't prepare for them nearly as good as I could have.

So how did that happen? My old gaming friend (I hardly have another common interest/connection with him than gaming) was skyping with me and I watched him play some mass effect. I didn't cut contact to him though I knew I should have. We then agreed that we would game together after my exams. He somehow noticed, that he couldn't find me on Origin. That's because I've had my account deleted. When I did that last year I felt a great amount of relief. But what happened three weeks ago is a shame for me: I told (basically lied) to my "friend" that I had no idea what happened and that I contacted the support and they wouldn't know either. The support contact, so it seems, didn't do enough good of a job deleting my account, so my account showed up twice in the online battlelog (the old one, and the new one I created in hope of getting back my old progress in battlefield). In the end it seemed weird enough, so my friend believed me.

I then created a new account and bought everything I previously had to play the game with him again...

So the past three weeks I didn't do a very lot for the exams and thought about the day I would play this game again...I mindlessly browsed the internet and it was hard to focus on anything but gaming in general. Last weekend I played the gamewith him well into the night. I'm deeply disappointed by myself, because I wanted to make everything right this time I'm studying again. And now look where I am.

I don't even know why I even care about this "friend" at all. He doesn't seem to give a f*** about talking with me except for when he has done something cool, has a new job or he needs somebody to dump his emotions when something mean happened to him. I tried telling him that I'm an addict but it seems I was not direct enough or he has not the capability to see it.
He'd always be like:

,,no stress, university comes first"

And that though I wrote him that we „seriously need to talk about gaming concerning our relationship“. At this point I'm just very very angry. I absolutely have no intention to answer his whatsapp messages but to block him forever, no matter if he's pissed or doesn't get it. In the end there is absolutely nothing to gain from this "friendship" in the long term.

And additionally, I got sick on sunday and because I'm too tired to learn for the next exams I continued gaming till today. I'm installing battlefield and origin and unistalling them again and again. And I feel like crap because of the amount of money I waisted (graphics card, new copy of game etc.).

Sorry, this was more of a rant, I know. But now I'm feeling a little bit better. Just right now I made a demand to blizzard support for deleting my battlenet account and I'm trying to do the same to my new origin account and the steam one.

Thanks to everybody reading this!

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Posted

I told (basically lied) to my "friend" that I had no idea what happened and that I contacted the support and they wouldn't know either.

Hm, you should tell your friend that you quit videogames - if you haven't made that clear. If he makes fun of you or some whack shit like that, you can still drop him if he's being an asshole and you feel that you need to, because he's obstructing your path. But being weird and shady about it seems to complicate matters! He might not even know what you're up to and saying "we need to talk about..." what? just start talking. Here's a couple of sentences to get started "Listen, I quit gaming, it's bad for me and it makes me unhappy. If you think that our friendship doesn't work out without games, then I'll have to distance myself from you because I don't have the strength to resist gaming when you give me the cues to.".

It seems like a lot of peer pressure is going on, and you haven't found the courage yet to stand firmly by your decision to quit gaming. Think why you want to quit, and don't say "I wanna finish uni and get a girlfriend", "my parents will be proud" or "I want to be more popular" - because those are shitty society-driven reasons that will never conjure the fighting spirit you direly need. It needs to come from the inside, from your heart and not from the outside.

Time, for example, is a good reason. But for "Time" to be a good reason, you need something to do with it. There are many reasons, think about what you want.

 

Now, I've written this about 10x on the forums now, but here I go again. Quitting gaming made me free. My HDD was empty. I switched from QWERTZ to another layout. I use a trackball. I will install Linux soon. These are all computer-things, I know, but... quitting gaming has broken the boundaries for interacting with computers for me. It's not a big step, but I'm sure to find 1000 small steps to get me to break boundaries gaming has set upon me. I can do what I want now. It's great!!

 

Now I'm rambling too, but hey, I hope you manifest again in your desire to quit gaming (if that is your true desire), best of luck!!

 

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Posted

I agree with destoroyah. The best thing you can do is to state your needs and if a friend can't respect that you have to move on. I know how tough it can be to lose someone especially when you don't have other people to rely on but everyone here wants you to succeed. If you need someone to talk to about stuff you can message me right now.

I totally get the feeling of how you wasted money on games(I spent $900 on new parts right before I decided to quit this time around). What works for me is reframing it as every hour I do something other gaming i'm improving as a person. Instead of focusing on lost time I liked to focus on things I did today that add value to my life. If you haven't watched cam's video on the Sunk Cost fallacy I would recommend it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5jnmwt5Q9w

Anyway that's just works for me. I truly believe you can figure out what works best for you :)

-Cheers,

Jacob

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Posted

Thanks for your kind responsess!

Now, I've written this about 10x on the forums now, but here I go again. Quitting gaming made me free. My HDD was empty. I switched from QWERTZ to another layout. I use a trackball. I will install Linux soon. These are all computer-things, I know, but... quitting gaming has broken the boundaries for interacting with computers for me. It's not a big step, but I'm sure to find 1000 small steps to get me to break boundaries gaming has set upon me. I can do what I want now. It's great!!

 

Now I'm rambling too, but hey, I hope you manifest again in your desire to quit gaming (if that is your true desire), best of luck!!

 

Yep, that's very true. In the long time I was gaming, the computer was only a tool for that for me. Whenever I needed a new computer I was thinking „can I game on this?“.
Gaming has stolen and broken a lot of my life and I will suffer from the physical consequences for a very long time (severe tinnitus).
It really helps reading what you wrote there, thank you!

I agree with destoroyah. The best thing you can do is to state your needs and if a friend can't respect that you have to move on. I know how tough it can be to lose someone especially when you don't have other people to rely on but everyone here wants you to succeed. If you need someone to talk to about stuff you can message me right now.

I simply don't have the courage to tell the truth about my addiction to other people. I have decided to throw that relationship in the garbage can. That guy asked me again today if I wanted to game with him, and I told him that I'm still very sick and think that I need time to recover instead of gaming and skyping. He didn't even wish me a quick recovery or something like that. I already started to install the game again but canceled and deleted everything from my harddrive.
I'd rather hang out with the people I've recently got to know at university. They are very friendly and don't know about my addiction which grants me a fresh start.

 

 

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Posted

Pease do not throw the relationship away. He doesn't know what is going on, you do. You can tell him you're trying to better you life by removing toxic parts like video games, and if you explain to him how valuable a positive change is then I'm sure he will understand and respect your decision. He wants to spend time with you, maybe that isn't possible without games, maybe there's a different way. Throwing it away because he asks you to game while you haven't made it clear is jumping the gun. 

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Pease do not throw the relationship away. He doesn't know what is going on, you do. You can tell him you're trying to better you life by removing toxic parts like video games, and if you explain to him how valuable a positive change is then I'm sure he will understand and respect your decision. He wants to spend time with you, maybe that isn't possible without games, maybe there's a different way. Throwing it away because he asks you to game while you haven't made it clear is jumping the gun. 

Thank you for your answer. But if you would know how that friendship has looked for the last years you'd be the first one to say „let it go“.

Today I finally brought up the courage and wrote him a long message in whatsapp about my addiction and everything, that I'll never again touch a game etc. I feel really relieved right now. He read it but didn't answer, so I guess he's pretty angry right now. Anyway, today I took the necessary steps to delete my battlenet, origin and steam accounts. Origin and battlenet are already gone, steam will follow shortly.
I'm just happy that this is over. Now there aren't any obstacles anymore. I'm unshackled and can go out and fix my life
:).

Maybe I'll start a new daily journal or continue the old one.

This will be a rocky road at first - but an awesome journey B|.

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Posted

Hey guys,

few positive things have happened the last two months and many more negatives. Since the start of this semester I've been procrastinating and I can hardly keep up - especially in math (that's a tough nut to crack). It seems I didn't learn much from my mistakes. I watched many gaming related videos and then contacted my old gaming friend again. The worst thing is that he wasn't angry at all but very friendly. It seems to me that he really didn't understand (or maybe isn't able to because he didn't make the experience I did?) how serious the situtation for me was in that moment.
So....stimulated by the gaming videos I watched, I asked him if he could show me that one game, which I played a lot in the past. I didn't have a lot of contact with him from then on (about two weeks now I think). Today I finally took the step and wrote him a message again that I'll now go a different way in my life and wished him all the best.

In the end I was able (or urged by the circumstances) to make the decision to make a new start again. My fear is that I might fall back again. There are just sooooo many triggers around.

I watch an action movie -> I feel the need to play Battlefield
I watch a documentary about the civil war (I'm a history nut) -> I wanna play a strategy game
I watch anything about aviation -> My brain tells me to install and fire up that combat flight simulator I played in the past
I see anything related to military in the news -> basicly point 1

Why does it affect all the things I'm interested in?

And video games are all in my mind again. In fact they were the whole time. Is there or will there be any chance that I might see reality just the way it is?
That is, in the moment, my biggest wish...just being able to clear my mind and to focus on real things again.

Maybe some of you have some tips? :$

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Posted (edited)

Hey Smoked Beef . . . two thoughts for two cents.

1.  To buddy, or not to buddy?  That is the question.  
(Pardon me, Shakespeare.)
Maybe it is time to toss the relationship with your "buddy" in the recycle bin.  It seems you've tried hard enough.  I think there's a big clue in the fact that, when you were sick, he didn't even wish you "Get well soon."  He also certainly doesn't seem to understand that uni is important to you.

This points to a specific personality type.  Some clues are:  the person is 100% self-centered.  Everything they do is about enhancing their own self-image.  They are often addicted to buying expensive stuff as status symbols.  This person demands 100% of the attention in the room, 100% of the time.  Sometimes they are masking insecurity, but sometimes it's about dominance.  Does this sound like your "buddy", when he's around you? 

If you're into reading (even more than you have to for university) there's a book about this personality type.  It's called "Why is it always about you?".  The author (a professional psychologist) concludes that relationships with this personality type (narcissists) are "relationships of inevitable harm."  That sounds very much like how you describe your "buddy"'s impact on your life.  The professional advice is simply to avoid all such relationships.  The harm is inevitable.  The personality type does not change, because the foundation is laid by age 2.

 

2.  Real-world learning when the triggers get you . . .
Here's my go-to place when the gaming bug bites -- except it's all real science.  You get to work with "primary sources" -- actual research material that the ordinary person never has a chance to see:  https://www.zooniverse.org/projects

I  watch an action movie -> I feel the need to play Battlefield
I watch a documentary about the civil war (I'm a history nut) -> I wanna play a strategy game
I watch anything about aviation -> My brain tells me to install and fire up that combat flight simulator I played in the past
I see anything related to military in the news -> basicly point 1

Zooniverse military-related projects:
Measuring the Anzacs 
https://www.measuringtheanzacs.org/#/
Operation War Diary  https://www.operationwardiary.org/
Decoding the Civil War https://www.zooniverse.org/projects/zooniverse/decoding-the-civil-war

History-related (more history than military)
Old Weather - lets you choose Arctic or Whaling ship log-books, hunting for clues to weather data
https://www.oldweather.org/

If you create a ZOO account, the system keeps track of all the projects you're on, and all the work you've done.  I joined ZOO when there were about 14 projects and 685,000 registered participants world wide.  There are now 69 projects and over 1.5 million people registered in the ZOONIVERSE.  Thousands more take part without registering.  New projects are always coming on line.

Another project that might interest a history buff:  This one is from 2014, but looks like it is still running.  The goal is to transcribe the letters of the letters of the Emergency Committee of Atomic Scientists in post-war US.  This includes a lot of correspondence with Albert Einstein.   Again, these are original (primary) documents.  The project is called "Dear Professor Einstein".  It is run by Oregon State University, in the USA.
http://scarc.library.oregonstate.edu/omeka/exhibits/show/ecas/letters-to-the-emergency-commi/index-of-letters

These projects have some of the things Cam teaches us to look for:
-- temporary escape (but into the real world);
-- constant measurable growth (most projects keep a count of your work);
-- a challenge (there's a tutorial for every project, so you learn new stuff);
-- social (there's always a "Talk" forum for each project, and several for ZOO as a whole, including scientists and project leaders).

PS:  I'm also going to post the ZOONIVERSE stuff on the forum for interesting websites. 
I hope some of this is useful to you.

 

 

 

Edited by KDY
Quote layout added too many linespaces

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