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I'm so close to relapse

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Posted

@ hycniejsy, @ csaba_bekesi , @destoroyah, @ Nethic, @ Cam Adair, thank you so much for the support.

I was fighting the urge of playing games for the whole previous week. I somehow haven't relapsed nevertheless I've watched tons of gaming related videos (trivia/let's plays/streams). It's funny at the same time watching these videos make me crave video games but it also prevented me from relapsing as it fullfiled my cravings. Does it count as cheating?

I believe things could turn much worse if you haven't been here with me. I feel calm now and have courage and strength to get back on the right track.

Your situation hits home in so many ways that it hurts.

I would think this way as well. "Maybe I'm just always going to be average." "Maybe it's too late for me." "Am I so knee deep in this that it's just impossible to get out?"

It's so easy to allow yourself to believe these things and go back to the way things were. What it seems like you're missing is a REASON to quit. Why did you quit? For me, I want to have a family and a career that I love doing. Neither of those things are possible if I continue to game the way I used to.

It also seems like you might be suffering from a severe lack of self-esteem. I actually just read a blog post about the types of day you had a while ago on this excellent blog: http://www.positivityblog.com/

Here is the excerpt:

One rainy morning this week I awoke from a nightmare. And as I got up and made
breakfast I could feel how my mood was unusually negative.
 
Things looked kind of bleak. A bit hopeless. I mostly just wanted to go back to bed.
Or lie on the couch and watch movies all day long.
 
So I decided to turn that around. Now, these things that I am about to share have
not only helped me to turn bad days into good ones but to keep an optimistic
attitude and to keep going through much longer tough times too.
 
Here's what I did.
 
1. I took a trip through positive memories. 
 
For a few minutes I closed my eyes and awashed myself in positive memories of
the times in the past when I succeeded. Of the times when things went well or
even better than that despite worries and negative expectations. 
 
This small inner vacation brightened my mood and opened up my clouded mind.
 
2. I asked myself two optimistic questions.
 
First: what is one thing I can be grateful for today even if things look bleak?
 
My answer was that it was indeed very good to have a roof over my head as the
cold rain was pouring outside. My mind then opened up a bit more and helped me
to see a few more simple things to be grateful for.
 
Then I asked myself: what is one small step I can take right now to move
forward?
 
3. I took a small step forward.
 
With the answer to the second question in mind I sat down at my computer and I
took a small step forward and just worked for 5 minutes on an important task. 
 
After I had started moving forward my motivation was up and things felt pretty
good so I decided to continue the work on that task for half an hour.
 
And at the end of the day, it turned out to be a pretty good Tuesday.
 
Hope that helps and have a great Friday and weekend!

The underlying message of that passage is clear to me. If you're stuck in a pit of depression and self loathing, you've got to start finding very small things to be positive about. Over time this will create some momentum for you towards positive thinking and it will start to change the way you think about yourself. Believe me: I used to think I was worthless and deserved no happiness in life at all. If I can change, I believe you can too!!!

Good luck!!

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Posted

Congratulations on not relapsing!

There will be ups and downs. I'm 7 months in and I'm sure someone who is game free for longer can say the same. Learn to float on the wave.

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Posted

@ jaylajkoszthanks for your response, it is uplifting. You're definitely right that I have issues with negativity. On the one side, I'm aware of it, I can spot patterns in my own behavior and breakdown mechanism in my head but on the other side sometimes I explicitly don't want to fight with it.

Being skeptical/negative sometimes pushes me to do more than I should. I'm afraid that if I would fully start appreciating my current life situation I would just stagnate with my progress. Unfortunately, if my negativity goes out of control it makes sink really hard - binging on bad things for a long time.

I'll try to work on my positivity but definitely, I don't want to achieve the stage of being grateful for my bedroom doors, clean fork or warm winter socks... it's just not my thing, it's too irrational. I know a lot of people do write in their journals about being grateful for such little things and I'm actually really happy that they can find happiness in it. It's just not my thing

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Posted

@ jaylajkoszthanks for your response, it is uplifting. You're definitely right that I have issues with negativity. On the one side, I'm aware of it, I can spot patterns in my own behavior and breakdown mechanism in my head but on the other side sometimes I explicitly don't want to fight with it.

Being skeptical/negative sometimes pushes me to do more than I should. I'm afraid that if I would fully start appreciating my current life situation I would just stagnate with my progress. Unfortunately, if my negativity goes out of control it makes sink really hard - binging on bad things for a long time.

I'll try to work on my positivity but definitely, I don't want to achieve the stage of being grateful for my bedroom doors, clean fork or warm winter socks... it's just not my thing, it's too irrational. I know a lot of people do write in their journals about being grateful for such little things and I'm actually really happy that they can find happiness in it. It's just not my thing

Have you actually tried being grateful for little things like that? Or do you just dislike the idea of becoming the type of person that appreciates those types of things?

One thing you'll find is that even if you're a hugely optimistic person, there are going to be days where you need to fall back on small things like that in order to keep going. Take today for me, for example. Couldn't fall asleep last night until about 4 AM, woke up at 9 AM with a pretty bad headache and felt really lousy and like doing absolutely nothing. Now, I didn't stop to appreciate my socks or the sun or anything like that, but I did find something small to draw some positivity from and that in turn led to me trying to make the most of the day.

One thing I will say for sure: if you go on a journey to become a much more positive person, you're going to see some major changes to the way you think and act. I would strongly encourage you not to immediately resist any of these changes. Acknowledge them, explore them, and once you have the experience of seeing how those changes affect you, you can be justified in either accepting them or denying them as you see fit. If at the end of the day you draw a lot of motivation from negative energy, who are we to say that it's wrong for you? But you certainly won't know one way or the other if you've only experienced one side of it.

Also, to hit on one point you've mentioned, even if you begin to accept and appreciate your current life situation, that doesn't mean you have to like it. I have accepted my life situation, but I have also accepted the responsibility that it's now up to me to get to where I want to go. Accepting where you are is not a sign of weakness. It is, in fact, a sign of true strength and courage. It means you've gotten past the stage of denial, of blaming everything except yourself for where you are. This is going to be hard to accept at first, but 90% of the reason you're in the situation that you are in is because you allowed it to happen. However, there is a GREAT amount of comfort in that - because the flip side is also true. It means that it is 90% (and some would say 100%) in your control as to how successful you are in life. Your life is in your hands and you are the only who gets to decide where it goes.

And one more note. I was scared at first of what I would become if I went on this journey of self improvement. I was scared of losing my identity, of losing things that I currently value. However, there are two things to remember. One, going on a journey of self improvement is also going on a journey of becoming the best version of you that you can possibly be. I would be shocked if you could find someone that actually turned out worse after a serious journey towards self improvement. Two, I realize that maybe negativity and cynicism and whatever else you hold dear is valuable to you, but remember.. those things are part of the reason you are where you are. They've served a certain purpose in your life, but now you're in the process of challenging whether they are still useful or not. You need to figure that out for yourself, nobody can do that for you. You need to figure out what's still important and will continue to help you and what isn't, and move towards replacing the habits and thought processes that no longer work for you.

If I'm reading your situation right, it wasn't all that long ago that I was in the same boat and that time was really hard for me as well. I really feel for you. But I want you to know that as long as you don't give up and keep moving towards that ideal version of you, success is inevitable. And it will be worth it.

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Posted

I got help here today too.

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