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Destoroyah's Meltdown

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Posted

@Pierce Don't worry. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't mastered death and rebirth.

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Posted (edited)

You can't like everyone. That's for sure. I think you already know that. But that doesn't mean you have to hate everyone. My school is ripe with douchebags. My father was a bit of a douchebag. But I can't live my life wallowing in hate- it just eats away at you. I've found it's enough to get me through the pain just understanding people. You don't have to like them; you don't have to be nice to them; just know that they've probably been fucked in some way just like you have. You don't even have to talk to them about it. Just watch and listen. Soon it all just goes away and all you see is the person. Sure they might piss you off again in future- they probably will. But, this is just a little method of dealing with dumb cunts without getting your knickers in a twist. Try it!

You won't be in this position all your life. Soon the universe will unfold and you will find what you've been looking for. I believe that will happen. I believe in fate. I believe that our individuality moulds the world around us; as a factor in our destinations. Soon your form will pierce through the veil of chaos and you'll find what you have been seeking. The moudling of your form precipitates change. Like you said I will find friends if I expand my repetoire; you can find someone by opening your heart perhaps?

Yea, I know that sounds pretty gay! But it might be what you're lacking. All those years being alone and fucked up- you learnt to form a carapace around your soul. I don't know how you can break it. I don't know if you can. But if this is your issue: try. Mould your form. If it end up shitty who cares. Keep doing it and something will happen.

Don't bother with your flatmates- well you could- but I don't think they would understand. With someone you trust- try and speak softly about something personal to you (in person). Just for a little bit. Be sincere and watch them. If you don't have anyone you can trust then that's the first hurdle!

Edited by Schwing
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Posted (edited)

Thank you all for the advice.

It's good to see that you guys care.

I will sort this shit out somehow – give me some time.

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted

Hey there. It si a good thing that you share your problems. It seems like you feeling afraid to let someone near you and thats why your brain focusses on their bad attributes. One Thing you could try is to find one little thing every day which is good at the people around you. Start small with things like they leave you alone if oyu tell them too or smth like this.

I hope you figure this out but I would advice you to see a psychiatrist. It is ok to seek help. We are all human beeings and we all feel like crap if we are alone and have noone to rely on. A psychiatrist will show you the flaws in your thinking from an objective point of view. Just try it out. If it is shitty/unhelpfull you can still stop. We tend to just evade the things which could be the most helpful. And I saw many People greatly benefit from going to a professional. Just because it feels bad to admit that you need help that is no reason at all not to seek it out. 

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Posted (edited)

@WorkInProgress I feel offended by that suggestion, you can't just come out of the blue and say that. You don't know what situation I am in. Working my job fulltime this month – because my colleague broke his leg/knee, and studying at the same time, failing exams and no one to cover my back. It'd get anyone to his limits, if you add the housekeeping. I can't retreat to my parents. My flatmates are nice but they're kind of "not grown up" at the same time. It's comparable to being a single mom with a job, I have like 45 free minutes per weekday if I want to live healthy. That is not enough time to sort my thoughts.

Don't "go to psychiatrist" me, if I were in a situation grave enough – I wouldn't be chillin' on these forums. That is just about the worst thing anyone could say to me, spiting doubt in my own psychological integrity. Bah. If I were depressed – OK. If I wrote about suicide – OK. Obviously you haven't understood what I have been doing up there, I was analyzing myself on a deep level.

I would daresay it requires a shitload of psychological integrity to even do that.

I know you just rushed out "from the blind" – and that's cool, it's good to have you back, but you need to check up on people before you write. Stop being an idiot. No hard feelings, and I don't give a shit.

Edited by destoroyah

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Posted

@WorkInProgress I feel offended by that suggestion, you can't just come out of the blue and say that. You don't know what situation I am in. Working my job fulltime this month – because my colleague broke his leg/knee, and studying at the same time, failing exams and no one to cover my back. It'd get anyone to his limits, if you add the housekeeping. I can't retreat to my parents. My flatmates are nice but they're kind of "not grown up" at the same time. It's comparable to being a single mom with a job, I have like 45 free minutes per weekday if I want to live healthy. That is not enough time to sort my thoughts.

Don't "go to psychiatrist" me, if I were in a situation grave enough – I wouldn't be chillin' on these forums. That is just about the worst thing anyone could say to me, spiting doubt in my own psychological integrity. Bah. If I were depressed – OK. If I wrote about suicide – OK. Obviously you haven't understood what I have been doing up there, I was analyzing myself on a deep level.

I would daresay it requires a shitload of psychological integrity to even do that.

I know you just rushed out "from the blind" – and that's cool, it's good to have you back, but you need to check up on people before you write. Stop being an idiot. No hard feelings, and I don't give a shit.

I don't think that you are crazy, I don't know you good enough. I didn't think a lot about the negative implication of that suggestion and it didn't even came to my mind that it could offend you with that comment if I am quite honest. I am sorry that I offended you. I read what you wrote since I left before I wrote my comment. I agree with you that analyzing yourself is a great step. I just don't think that you have to be "crazy" to go to a psychologist. It is helpfull to share your thoughts with someone on a regular basis especially if it is someone objective. In my opinion it is totally ok to use a psychiatrist for this if you feel psychologically down. And you wrote by yourself that you considering to see a shrink but are shying away from the idea because you would feel challenged by someone trying to "treat" you.

 I just tend to be a bit hasty with that suggestion because I have friends who greatly benefited from going to a psychiatrist and so many people shy away for it because they are ashamed of labelling themselves mentally ill. And exactly because I don't know you I went wiht the "better safe then sorry" attitude  . I repeat for emphasize that it I didnt' want to imply that you are crazy or have mental problems (there is no way for me knowing if this assumption would be true). But in the same way I can't know if you  don't have such problems. 

I also have to admit there is a great possibility that I am wrong in the assumption that trying out going to a psychologist can only have positive or neutral outcomes. If I think a harder about the subject it could definitely have bad consequenced to go to a shrink. It could  leave you feeling ill/crazy even if you don't have any problems. This is definitely a thing to consider (which I haven't at my comment).

I just saw you struggling and wanted to point out that professional treatment is something to consider (because so many people shy away from it so fast not because it is the only or the best option). I hope you are working your stuff out. Best of luck to you. And thank you for welcoming me back. Really appreciated that you thought of that even if I offended you wiht ym suggestion

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Posted

@WorkInProgress I reacted oversensitive. I am under a lot of pressure currently and that has made me stingy. If I made you feel bad, I apologize for that.

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Posted

No worries. I am fine. Hope you get it handled.

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY #46:

Still alive. I finally got thru work phase, now I only need to accomplish what a single person can accomplish and it feels like a vacation.

I've gone back to gaming, due to the stress I've had, it really took me down. I'm recovering now, and my priority isn't to stop gaming, but to not fall over.

I've kept up my training though, albeit all that shit, and I've improved on many levels. Haven't felt like drawing though.

Guess it is hypocritical to keep posting as a gamer, that's why I haven't posted for a while, and because of the shit I was writing – it felt as if writing about my mind actually amplified negative thoughts, so I'll keep it short and simple in order to reset myself. I guess it is necessary and I should see my limits.

I'll be back. I intend to quit gaming someday again, but currently I need to set other priorities – and it hasn't made a huge impact, I feel okay with it currently, sticking to NES games and Puzzle genre, though I just ordered a Switch.

Heh. Pretty stupid, but looking forward to playing it, despite everything. I guess when I catch myself procrastinating – I might wake up again. But I haven't so far.

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted

You have goals and you're consciously thinking about them and posting about them here. Sounds like you're on the right track to me. Oftentimes we can only focus on energies on so many things, and it sounds like you're focusing on what is most important right now. 

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