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Destoroyah's Meltdown

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Posted (edited)

You've raised the serpent mate! You're a demigod now! Aligned your kundahleieneienei or whatever it's fucking called! You know, that big energy ball at the base of your spine those hindus go on about. And those whackos over at joyofsatan.com too!

Yea... Exactly man, that was just what I was saying!

Anyho, I got new picture I need to share (and I significantly need to admit that I suck using colored pencils):

 

ENTRY #41 - DAY XX:

Loneliness_0001.thumb.jpg.3c6c5f15653fed

This is called "Loneliness".

I had a particularly shitty day today, and realized that I was pretty much alone with all my shit. I mean I got these forums, I got flatmates and colleagues – but no one that like really listens to my shit, that really knows and understands me inside out. No one I can bitch to but my journal, no place where I can act weak. It's due to the fact that I quit so many things, every time I quit something – I quit some friendships with it. Now there's more people having expectations of me and pointing out my faults, than people that tell me "things are OK.". Occasionally I realize this, which then really creates a feeling of loneliness in me. I wanted to train but I felt kinda sad, I thought about just going to sleep - but it was too early. So I drew a picture or two. I locked the feeling up in there, I hope it stays.

As a reference, I've had this picture of my inner child living with a wolf in my mind for a long time. It was a method of me coping with the fact that my childhood ended quite abruptly and that I never had a chance to "live out" all these things kids do. The wolf is there for the kid – so he isn't as lonely, because I had to put him away somewhere inside me, to move on. I can't really explain, it's kind of awkward. I had to become my own parent in order to "grow up", and I needed some model in mind to preserve the inner kid. But he'd die or go crazy on his own, so there's the wolf. And if I ever need the kid he's there and well tended to, I visualize most of my emotions with this model, when I lose touch with myself.

It's really complicated. I'm not sure I understand it myself, but it's a method I use to visualize thoughts and emotions – when my words just run in circles or when life has gotten me down. This is the first time I ever attempted to draw it.

Edited by destoroyah
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I'll admit this to you:

My whole life I never really had a friend either; someone who I resonated with on an emotional level. Then I found you (and a bunch of other people). I know that sounds pretty gay but I have actually been considering if people on gamequitters and nofap are my friends. You are the one who I've shared the most with thus far and you are also the one who I like the most. However, i still have my doubts. 

I thought shit like: "no they're twice my age", "no they live in another country", "no I don't share much with them on an emotional level". And I also thought that even if I gave it my utmost to find these people and really connect with them then I would still flop. I would think think think because I was afraid. Afraid of openness. I suck at being nice to people. But I always understand.

But perhaps I am not just afraid; perhaps this world is not meant for friendship. It wouldn't work because I have seen it fail in real life many a time: outside of the forums too I have known people I have shared a part of my soul with. But things soon got stale and we began to lock horns. More temporary 'friends'.

I am starting to think now that perhaps this soul to soul connection; when someone truly looks at you- it's something we just don't get. I mean look at what I've been doing for the entirety of this post- talking about me me me. We're condemned to face the void alone in this life. We even have an unwillingness to open up to others because of a fear that we will lose our footing in this world of machines. But even if you hold on to each other for a time the world calls and you are ripped apart. Nothing can tarry in life. Not even what we value the most. Our body is constantly changing; our mind is constantly changing; our soul is constantly changing. But, what remains the same is our memories.

When I leave this site and everyone on it behind I will remember the people I met and the things I shared and I will take refuge in these memories when the time comes. So, tim, I will remember you and that's all I can promise you. As I said I suck at being nice, but, know that I do look at you from time to time.

There is actually a manga on this topic called Homunculus. Good read. Check it out.

 

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Posted (edited)

@Schwing I'd say we are friends in a way, but we got to be pragmatic and call it "online friends" – as not to get disappointed with false expectations or be deluded. You can't give me a hug or call me an idiot with the same unmediated directness as a person that shares my space and reality. You don't know what I look and sound like, or what the places I spend time in are like. You can't imagine me in those situations as accurately. Anything you think about me is a depiction based on my written words – and written words are just one "channel" of me. There is posture, facial expressions, smell, tone of voice, physical appearance and what I do on the other channels. Most people I meet in real life don't tune in on the written channel though, at least not this one with the big cohesive texts –  maybe the "chat" one on WhatsApp or whatever. That's another channel again though. If I present this channel to people around me (which I did like 2-3 times all my life), they are usually stupefied because they would never expect me to write this much in a foreign language. They say things like "I would never have guessed that you think this much about things!!" – because I'm pretty much a cheerful idiot on all other channels. This is a very special side of me, maybe the most honest and self-critical one – but also kind of theatrical and pompous than I am in reality.

 
Written words are always thought about and thus can have more precision in them. They can't be taken back as easily, are more lasting. A friendship like this isn't the same as a direct one, there is little room for bullshit. Of course being online-friends does also have advantages, usually we act more intelligent, we "learn" more in theoretic aspects and also we can share some things more freely due to the anonymity. There is no reason to break trust, there is little potential for scheming and gossip – that grants security and takes away the hurdle of fear and paranoia. There are little grounds for rejection – if one is fat and stinky, we could still be having a good time without getting distracted by our prejudices or physical limitations.
You see, that's more of a "stoic" friendship. I don't condemn this, or call this "not a friendship" – but loneliness can't be ailed as effectively by it, that's a big limitation. Of course we could meet any day and change that, but then I'd be "that balding hairy 30 year old guy" and you "the teen" – and shit could go south and awkward real fast!!

I do appreciate it, though! Don't underestimate your importance in my life, there is some. And your post did kind of help ail my feeling of loneliness – in a way of mind. The sharing of our thoughts and art does make a great basis for friendship, because it has a deepness and outspokenness that I rarely pack in the real world – so yea, I too think that we got something special that is good. And of course it will turn to memory one time or another, at latest when we get killed – BRUTAL!
But don't paint it so black, enjoy it while it lasts and make use of it to find some answers while you can – and I need to stop "explaining" and "lecturing" everything. What a test, I have been learning to practice self restraint on telling people to "get their shit straight" – a big flaw of mine that needs addressing on the road to building friendships, and I'm grateful for that.

Loneliness is always there, even if you have a girlfriend or wife – even family. It's not the absence of people, it's in you – as you said on deviantart. It's a kind of mindset that results from the absence of social interaction and I don't think it's an all bad feeling. It only gets bad when paired with hopelessness, despair and a long duration. It's often there, when you've gone through something that other people haven't. When you've experienced something that other people don't share a memory of in the same perspective. I've had many such cases, sometimes due to an odd perspective and sometimes due to odd experiences, and I'd call myself an expert on the field, yet I can still get overwhelmed. Luckily I write, draw, listen to Iron Maiden and got people like you to back me up then. Today I'll get back to my training, because my heart is filled with spirit again – I won't let some douchy feeling drag me down and I'll stop writing "meaningful" girlie wall of texts now!!

Edited by destoroyah
PS I'll have to check out that Manga – I just haven't read comics in like... 10 years and reading on computer screens screws me up.
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True shit!

This made me reevaluate my idea of a friend. I suppose friendship is not something based in reality but in our heads. I guess the best way you could describe it is: "a person who frequently gets rid of the feeling of loneliness". Therefore it takes many forms. Here I see a particular side of you.  A projection. One of many stimuli to keep my sanity in check! I can label it in many different ways, I can try and crack it down to the roots and examine it but that's not the way to go. Whatever this is I am grateful for it! Big girlie walls of text included.

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Posted (edited)

I guess the best way you could describe it is: "a person who frequently gets rid of the feeling of loneliness".

That's right, but just one aspect. It's not only about loneliness, but many other things – despair, suffering, not having the means to get over certain difficulty, getting back on earth when in a hubris and getting back up when on the ground, having fun and much much more! Like a point of gravity to keep your thoughts anchored. "What would X think if I do this now?" – it's like another perspective to life that you can emulate that helps you away from one-sidedness, inspires you and helps you attack problems from new angles. Spend time together and overcome things that you cannot alone.

Don't worry, you will find friends in your world someday – I'm sure of it. While you haven't got any, work on yourself on a repertoire of knowledge to increase the chances by having interesting hobbies and things to say. Be where you want to be, to meet the people that do things you like by overcoming yourself.

EDIT: Holy shit. I am currently changing up my training plan to incorporate more back stretching. I'm totally raped. The pain is pleasure though – Brutal!

 

Edited by destoroyah

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY #42 - DAY XX:

Before it was loneliness. Now all people are to me is a nuisance. Like they can't take a shit on their own. It's a chore cleaning up after them. It's a chore listening to their endless bullshit "I want I want I want". I never say "I want" – I just feel lonely. I don't even want... just my peace. Just leave me alone. Don't talk about me. Don't ask me for anything. I only feel lonely if I am alienated – if there isn't anyone criticizing me, demonstrating me that I am alone, then I don't feel alone.

I don't care what you own. I don't care about your cheerful authentic practiced trained laugh. Just stay away from me. I don't care how often you get laid. I don't give a shit about your hobbies, you just pursue them to get my – or anybody's – appreciation.

I need to learn to live without appreciation – because I will never get as much as I need. I need to learn that love will not solve anything – because it never lasts. I need to learn that everyone thinks only about themselves – because no one thinks about me.

I need to abuse the fact that people want appreciation – to take revenge. I need to abuse the fact that people want love – revenge. I need to abuse the fact that everyone thinks about their gains – revenge revenge revenge.

I need to give them their appreciation – to get what I need. I need to give them their love – to get what I need. I need to give them what they want – to get what I want.

 

I need I must I... don't want this shit anymore. I want to stop needing. I don't care. Who you are. I don't respect your status – your mask bores me. Your material possessions bore me. I seek more. I will find more and destroy you. I will annihilate your essence and show you life beyond life. A tear in my eye when I do, a tear of joy in yours when you find out the truth about me.

 

There is no one out there that can give me what I can give. There is no one out there that gives what I seek. There is no one out there that gives me what I trained to give – mislead by the golden rule.

 

Why did you alter my mind. I never wanted to be this educated. I want to go back to being afraid of the dark and cheerful in the sun. To running fast and jumping. Eating food that tastes good. Sleeping the sleep free of thoughts. Having simple dreams of primal fear and joy.

I never wanted to be part of the world these humans have established. With their right and wrong. With their categorizing to get more numbers out of numbers.

I know, that what we have is great, but I never asked for it. Let me live carefree and die with 35. Life wasn't meant to be like this, sitting in rooms all day and studying for tomorrow. To fulfill contracts and worry about deadlines. Time is irrelevant – it's finite then infinite.

I want to disappear. I want to be invisible. I want to be unheard and never spoken of. I just want my peace. How much longer must I endure your proclamations of truths – which will prove false another day. Why does nature want to pass on genes. It only fights itself. May my body not nourish some earthworm that does something useful...? Would that be a "waste" of good motherly love and hard fatherly work? Did I choose them? Did I want to come here? Am I unthankful in questioning that?

 

Oh no. I am thinking too much. I have to work these 2 weeks, because someone fell and hurt their knee spontaneously and after 2 days I already hate my life. I'd rather fall and get hurt spontaneously. Moaning around, expecting people to feel sorry for my misfortune like a stupid bitch of destiny. It caught me at the wrongest of wrong moments. I don't want this. I will resort to performing badly to secure my heart. My pulse is too high. I want to choke someone, because they are stupid. They all are. I see no intelligence where I go. Their talk is so boring. Shadows. They are just shadows of words someone has once said, all they say feels like a slowly spooled tape. So boring to read and listen to... I must learn to listen anyways. Just listen.

And when there is silence, keep on listening.

There is no me. There is no free will. I am. I will be. And then I won't be. Like a tree or a stone. Like a planet or a sun. Like any temporary form of matter under the influence of time. I will disperse and disappear while remaining for eternity. Don't bother me with telling what you want. You are just a state of matter in a moment of time. You will be over soon.

Edited by destoroyah
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It sounds about high time you explore buddhist philosophy. Drop the sharlatan crap of course but the philosophy of it would be very worth exploring for you. You already fucking reek of it :D  You are the type who would really benefit from spending a month with Shaolin Monks. Go boxing, a community of warriors holds a higher chance of holding someone more humbled than your average circle. I know it scares you but after you are out of the work rough patch it seems like this would be a great time to take a step in that direction. 

Best of luck! Don't let them break your nose and wear your teeth guard. :D  

 

 

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Thanks @Csaba_Bekesi . I got back some footing. I don't know, I've been having moodswings lately. Maybe because my life is like this:

1) too much free time
2) no free time at all
3) goto 1)

Fuckn loops.

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ENTRY #43:

I relapsed yesterday. On day 89. I must be fucking stupid. Day 89, psh. Fuck this.

I don't know what to write. Easter caught me in a bad situation. The weather is extremely shitty, people are all spending time with their family and I got too much free time on my hands – alone.

That isn't fair, but I guess anyone who relapses has something like this to say, so I stopped counting. I will start over next week, I won't pressure myself, because bashing myself over it would be counter-productive. I hope it works out.

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ENTRY #44 – DAY 0:

Okay. Thing is, I played Diablo 1 after stumbling over an HD mod that enables it to play widescreen and 1080p and I was like "whoooaa".

So I played it. And it was fuckin' awesome, it was everything I wanted it to be and the best Diablo ever. I've had a deep connection with this game, my brother and I have played it since release. This game is like... part of me. I think Diablo 2 and 3 are for pussies and Diablo 1 is the shit with proudness and everything. I love the sound design, I love the graphics, I love the stupid story and the fact that "This is the dungeon, there is only one dungeon and you have to keep on going down. This is it. Nothing else.". I loved the simplicity. The stupidity and the brutality. That after death you lose ALL your equipment and that players can hurt each other in multiplayer by default. The darkness and loneliness it conveys. The soundtrack.

So... I'm not surprised that this game caught me. It's like... my favorite game of all time and it unifies all things I love about gaming.

I just uninstalled it and deleted my save. Even though I had fun and even if it was the coolest shit ever, I realized that the hours were passing and I was out of this world. I realized that I was losing track of time. I noticed that I was not taking a shit when I needed to take a shit and that I was putting off other things as well. I realized that I was not confronting my emotions but rather putting them off. I noticed that with every hour I wasted on gaming, I was losing my edge – my ability to kick ass.

I didn't make the 90 days detox and... well I wouldn't call myself a failure because I got like 89.5 and it isn't a black and white thing. It's not like on day 90 some enlightenment occurs and you get your shit straight – but deep inside I probably was kind of expecting that. I was expecting that shit would "solve itself" when I abstain from gaming and I was "let down" by the fact that it doesn't. It's not that simple, the changes are gradual and very hard to notice, it's hard to keep track. In my disappointment I manifested doubt in me, and that doubt led to the relapse. I was thinking "well, if shit doesn't make a difference anyways, I might as well play videogames! Oh cool, check it out, the Diablo 1 mod I've been hoping for since the last decade! What a coincidence!". I hadn't accomplished many improvements in my life, and the improvements were very subtle.

To rebuild myself I need to assess some things that "not-gaming" has brought into my life:

ADVANTAGES:

1.       saved time

2.       sports = lean and healthy, posture

3.       intimidating, less shy, kindness

4.       cash

5.       mind and heart more unified, improved concentration, ability to listen, memory and organizational skills, multi-tasking, emotional stability, enjoy the things at hand, focus

6.       read books, gain useful skills and get inspired

7.       drawing and getting real appreciation feels much better

8.       less things are reliant on chance, take control, grow much more predatory

9.       open to new things, not afraid to try something new, horizon has expanded greatly.

10.   eating habits have improved, healthy

 

PROBLEMS:

·         Loneliness

·         Boredom

 

I hope my 2.5 days of relapse have not too much negative impact. In my mind I will treat my relapse as an experiment as to how gaming is affecting me with new eyes. Not as a failure to complete 90 days, in my mind I'll just pretend that I made it as to not have too much negativity hovering over me. Losing my self-trust and confidence would be counter-productive.

I will print out this list as a reminder of the improvements I have made, to motivate me to "stick to it".

 

What follows now is a tedious session of finding out what's fucked up, I don't recommend reading it (it's full of shit, kinda):

For clarity on colors, see notes at ***, don't worry, I'm just analyzing myself to assess damage.

What a chore. I hope I don't lose my stability in "not-gaming". I should have written such a list sooner, I never made clear to myself that I am improving, no one around IRL has cheered me on. Fuck! Always telling myself that I'm good enough to handle my own shit can turn into a problem when I stumble. I need to rely on people more, sadly I seem to be fucking terrible at finding new friends. I have learned to find friends by smoking weed, drinking and playing games – I need new methods. Having turned 30 hasn't made things easier though, they all expect you to be a professional at this age, so you can't just march in as a dumbass and learn from your mistakes – you gotta read up on what you get into. I need to find methods of getting to know people – or better yet finding methods on getting to know people that I like. I dislike them all. I need to work on myself in that aspect. I need to find out why I think that everyone is a stupid motherfucker. I need to find out why I find it a "waste of time" to converse with them. Why I feel that they never tell me anything new, why I feel that there is no information in their heads of use.

I'm stuck up. But that isn't all of it. I'm an elitist and acting more on the part than being it. I need to lower my expectations of others, but it seems unreasonable because I'm struggling with so much and I see dumb motherfuckers all about snacking at McDonald's and playing "Match 3 Games".

How the fuck am I supposed to make friends with these people? Either they're fucking clueless – or they know so much about their subject that they're fucking busy smartassing me up about it.

That is my perception at least. And it is false. I generalize too much. I need to find the middle-ground, but the middle ground is so low profile that it never reaches my attention. I only look up and down.

Hm. Okay. Well I can't change the world, so I'll need to discover some new social weaknesses in me that need fixing. Sadly I am surrounded by dumb motherfuckers in my apartment that can't teach me jack despite me having the attitude "everyone can teach me something". They can't. One of them needs more iodine in his thyroid gland and the other is 10 years younger than me living in vanity. I see no trait in them that impresses me the slightest. Is that already the error? Should I be able to see the positive thing in them? One of them is busy constantly challenging me in every single aspect thinkable, constantly having moodswings and lashing unfounded aggression at me, promising things that he doesn't keep based on his "forgetfulness" because he has some easy-to-fix hormone deficiency and the other hasn't realized yet that you should take out the trash, when the trashcan is full, and remove your moldy shit from the fridge, when the fridge stinks and take a piss while sitting down so the toilet don't smell like urine and throw away a dirty sponge when packing out a new one instead of hiding it for "safe keeping". Fucking idiots. How am I able to learn from them? You tell me. And whats worst is that they both have girlfriends that giggle 24/7. Like WTF, these guys couldn't wipe their own ass if a Mafiosi put a Tommy gun to their head, and they are in stupid happy relationships.

Is that unfair? No, I don't have a girlfriend because I lack the ability to see past the 100 flaws and weaknesses that I spot at first sight. I have become wary that I should never attempt to fix them, but I also know that if I don't fix them that I have to live with them. And I don't. I don't want to live with your illness, stupidity, addiction and unhealthy shit. Your dorky face and ugly butt. Your lack of education. Your inability to fight, work hard and improve yourself. Your inability to speak open about it. Your fucking WhatsApp and smartphone addiction. Your fake fingernails and overdone makeup. Your shitty taste in music that I'd feel embarrassed for. Your inability to discern a good movie from a bad one. Your inability to speak English as well as I do. Your inability to sit down and get your ass to do shit. Your inability to take a drill and drill a hole in the wall. To fix shit. What can a woman give me except sex? Nothing. In fact she just lays hurdles. Stupid hurdles that I kick out of my way. Since the emancipation of women, I have been left with teaching myself how to clean, cook and get my room to look tidy and "in chime" with colors. I have been left with teaching myself the fashion and good clothes. Teaching myself to treat my body. If anyone tells me something new, I feel challenged in my competence. So what's left for you to do for me? Nothing. How can we have fun together? I'll tell you, Step 1: Quit wasting my time. Step 2: Stay the fuck out of my way. Step 3: You don't tell me anything. Step 4: Ask directly for my help if you need it, because I won't help you otherwise. Yea, that's me putting the "nsh" in "relationship" – the sound of getting punched in the face that is.

I know what I just wrote down is wrong. And I know some women probably think similarly, and I really really want to stay out of their way, because I know they'd explode my face.

But that's the frustration that I need to get rid off. Those are the things that I need to work out in order to get along with people. I think more negative about them, than positive. In fact, I see no single positive trait in any person, except the few friends I have. That's not a good basis for getting to know people.

I really don't know how to fix this. I'm reading "How to win friends and influence people" but all I see are new tactics to manipulate them. To get them to do what I want them to do. Not a book on how to "Accept their idiocy" to "See the good in them".

Maybe I'm just really unlucky with the people I've met so far in life (actually I really believe this), but my experience has shaped me – and the result is a fucked up antisocial piece of shit. I'm not rude, I'm not unkind, I'm just extremely defensive and life has taught me to stay the fuck away from people because they fuck my shit up. I'm not afraid of them. I'm not anxious. I just see no good in them. NOTHING good. Not a single good trait. NOTHING. And if someone is superior to me, I only attempt to find methods to make their positive traits my own. Learn from them. But I don't need them around to learn from them, I can teach myself after I have seen their strength. In fact, I have never really learned from anybody. I get like an inferiority complex when someone is better than me. Then I hide, train train train, and come back when I'm better than them. Or comparable. I don't challenge them then, but I feel safe and I don't need to avoid them then. I'm totally fucked up. There is no light in my world.

How can I fix that? Do I need a shrink? I don't think I can accept a shrink, because the second he tells me something I'd feel challenged by him and I'd want to prove him wrong or get my own degree in psychology so I don't need to accept him as my mentor – so I don't need to listen to his potentially incompetent bullshit. No matter the cost.

So there's my problem. I can't accept the idea of anyone being better than me. In ANYTHING. And anyone who is worse than me is deemed a "SUCKA" that needs to be told. I have stopped telling for now though, but the perspective remains.

It doesn't make sense though, because in reality I am quite "calm" and a "good person" – at least if I can heed the feedback that I get. But what's going on in my mind, a constant struggle and over-the-top competitiveness is the complete opposite of what I seem to be to the outside world.

***I need a model:

  1. Outside me (only assessable by feedback from other people, which is oddly usually positive in nature – but this may have other reasons)
  2. Inside me (instinct; evil, competitive, apeman, cool, exciting, masculine) <– fucked up by living in a weird world and having learnt stupid truths, learns whatever it wants
  3. deep inside me (reason; good, smart, slow, requires lots of peace to work, has not much to say and is pretty boring) <– learns what I choose.

I just realized this is the same model as David Kahneman in "thinking fast and slow". I should finish that book.

Hm. Whatever. Time I get moving. Stupid fucking mental work, I hate this shit. My "problems" and shit, I wanna punch someone! Stupid freaking girlsy waste of time shit. As if anything I ever write down in one of these sessions ever hits the mark. Motherfucking piece of shit crap world shit.

Edited by destoroyah
compacted my list
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Dude, I just wanted to say that I think 89 days is absolutely awesome! It's even cooler that you're just going to take it in stride and start another round. Go for it!

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Posted (edited)

@28_yrs_of_gaming Thanks dude.

 

ENTRY #45 – DAY X (no time for counting):

A normal workday (I only manage to pull this off 2-3 times/week on working days):

0720h Wake up
0900h Work
1300h Break
1400h Work
1800h Go Home
1845h Run 7.5-10 kms at 8°C in a Hailstorm with 2 uphills in shorts and t-shirt (sometimes in the dark with a flashlight)
19XXh Start Weightlifting (IDK why I need 2h to lift, I go slow and listen to Music)
2200h Shower
2215h Cook
2230ish Eat & Watch an Episode of some dumb series
2320ish Sleep

Edited by destoroyah
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Hey man. Based on your earlier monologue I would say, just like a very large amount of people you struggle with insecurity problems. You are also quite rigid about your view on people and life. Now, you easily have a decade more experience than I do, but I've seen the difference culturally where I come from and where I live now. Where I come from I experienced a significantly larger number of people simply excited to meet a new person. I described this over my 90 dasy as "expanding my human experience" by interacting with others. Sometimes you even feel that 'I will take away nothing from you, nor will you from me' but you mutually understand this and have a good time regardless. Not everyone will strictly benefit you. Most people will indeed be annoying cunts. The question is which one you focus on (says my naive ass you have no reason to believe me do what you want). 

Try never to be the smartest person in the room. You seem to have the right idea. Prove your superiority by becoming better than other people. Sure. Go for it. But accept that there is always someone greater than you and someone always below you, so be humble to learn and be humble to elevate. I'm afraid to tell you I am not going to back out of this one. You want to be the best at things right? Why take the time to disappear to master something when you can start learning straight up from the person you want to match and surpass? A lot more efficient. 

When it comes to women, I assure you there is a large pool of women with traditional values, or given that you listen to my last advice, with a lot to teach as a person (or whatever). It is just tough as shit finding them I guess. 

 

You are starting again, so if you want to take away from my monologue to you, take this. Winning friends is manipulation. It is art, and the human psyche is your canvas. It is beautiful. Is making someone happy not manipulation in some way? I don't manipulate my friends to get me a drink on occasion, but it happens because I make them have a good time and they trust me. Sometimes you need not to be cynical. When it comes meeting people, you must not start cynical. 

 

Then again I'm just some dude typing away at a computer instead of breaking world records so who am I to speak lol. 

 

Sorry if this was very rambley, I wrote it quite late. 

 

 

 

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@Csaba_Bekesi I'm an outsider. I live together with 2 guys, one of them has no awareness, memory and no empathy. The other is like a kid. I'm like their mother and father in one, and I "manage" everything here, because I keep all the contracts and financials down. I keep it democratic, but sometimes I need to decide on matters. I have no one to fall back on, sometimes the burden is too heavy to carry and I fall into a "no one gives me anything" rage. Even though I lashed out in the above text – I am usually very kind to them, or at least "firm". I write the thoughts down, to cast them away, to criticize myself as objectively as I can.

Regarding the points you made, you might be right about having to be more open to new people and being less focused on them "giving" me. But the problem I face in my reality that I have no one that backs me. No one tells me that I do well, I get no feedback, and if I do, it is from sources that I am managing – so I need to doubt them at all times because in 50% of the cases it is unjustified or wrong (and I need not only doubt them but also myself in my judgement).

I am not insecure, I don't struggle with accepting myself. I am as "man" as I can be, but I am alone against many. They all got girlfriends and family to back them – I don't. I can't consult anyone, because my matters are... well my friends are all not in the same position as me, so they can't consult me. If they ever go against me, they can draw energy from their girlfriends and relatives – I only got this.

I may never cry. I may never scream. I may never say "I don't know" or "I can't do this" – or this ship sinks. It's psychologically deeply rooted in being the child of an alcoholic parent, something I may never fix. Not even if I have a person to "lean" on, I would crush them. I must take the hit. I must take it. I must be strong enough not to flinch. I must remain standing whatever the fuck happens, because I am the first and last bastion. It all results from "no one may ever find out my mom's a drunk to maintain a "normal" life, even if she yells at me.", and goes well with a pinch of megalomaniac. I relentlessly keep myself in check though with Music, Sports and Art. I need that as not to explode.

But you are right, I must be aware and not heed negative thoughts. No matter how hard it gets, I shall never blame other people, because once I do – I destroy them because I don't know when it's enough, because I have no way to assess "normality". Luckily that has rarely happened, and when it does – I have trained myself to not take revenge, and just abort contact. Resulting in me being a fucking outsider. 

My inability to assess normality also allows me to go all out, which is a bonus. But yea, I'm fucking stupid. I've grown to be like this and... I've grown to live with it. It's actually kind of interesting.

HMMMMMMM. Now how do I fix that? Can I even? I am growing weary... tired. And whenever I am about to die, someone random comes along and says "whoa dude, you're crass man!" and I'm back on my feet.

Now I've written down all these aspects, and I know every single one of them well. Chances are, I know them so well and keep them so well in check, that they don't even "exist" anymore in my outside personality. All that is left is that little freak in my head, that I occasionally unleash in my journal – my inner "child", that is always yelling and crying, because I never had the chance to.

It's like I'm not even there. I'm just a defensive spell cast by a passerby – or my past self.

Edited by destoroyah
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@destoroyah I know what it's like to feel like an outsider. Felt that way all of my life, with only my parents as people that I feel are unconditionally there for me. Can't complain too much though, two people is enough to be grateful for the rest of my life. I've met many other people where I've had either deep, but limited connections (they were always busy) or shallow and long-term (hung out together, but we didn't fully understand each other and would eventually have a falling out). In many ways I could be happy with those interactions for the rest of my life. I'm fairly good at gaining them. Having a willingness to listen and a few common interests/activities makes it easy to form them. That intimacy and depth is still lacking though. And being like you, wanting more, I couldn't stop there.

In that vein, Csaba is right that eastern philosophy would be one route that could help you here. Being more present and diminishing the sense of self and its desires would free you of loneliness. That might not fit with your life goals though. I can respect that. Ultimately, how we package philosophy is a bunch of extraneous bullshit. It's ultimately just a path to being at peace with yourself. When you live authentically and love yourself, the loneliness can't bite. You feel free to be joyful and love other people, and positive people begin to flock around you. The great thing is that whether they stay or leave, you aren't affected too much, because the inner peace/love is still there.

So what I've said so far probably comes across as hippie nonsense. If so, that's fine. I'll now attempt to explain why its not. I can completely relate to what you said yesterday in reference to the person you show on the outside being very different from the one within. This gap between the two is why we feel misunderstood and alone. We shield our authentic self because of the pain we received when we revealed it in the past, but at the same time we wish that people could see past our shield and accept us for who we are. As I transition phases in my life I've been taking the time to come to terms with my past, heal from it, and unleash my inner child. The child that smiles at strangers, enjoys making stupid jokes with friends, and has a life goals and philosophical ideas that don't make too much sense to the people around him, and yet he doesn't care because they are important to HIM and that is enough.

If anything from that last paragraph resonated, I highly recommend reading Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I'm reading through it now and I've found some ground breaking insights within. Fair warning: 10% of it delves into new age stuff I don't really agree with, but the other 90% is so outstanding and ties right into neuroscience that gladly overlook that. It's all about reprogramming the brain to release the emotional trauma from the past and then replace it in whatever form you wish.

Anyway, I hope some of that was useful for your situation. Otherwise, I apologize for rambling. Hey, and it sounds like you don't have a lot of people to talk to. Having people there for me in that way has been invaluable. If you ever want to, feel free to send me a private message and we can set up talking on Skype sometime.

I hope you get back to being your usual demon slaying self soon, my friend; stronger than ever.

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