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Destoroyah's Meltdown

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Posted

What great spirit and style!

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ENTRY #33 - DAY XX:

http://bonerstyle.deviantart.com/

took the time to scan and upload a lot of shit – some of it rather bad, but I like the rawness. Have a look

 

I got some days off now. I hope I can recuperate from work. Just being at home feels great. *sips coffee*

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Posted (edited)

Coffee? Nothing like sticking my headphones on, playing some skeletonwitch, reading some manga and drinking some coffee while at school. Beats talking to any of the shitheads there any day!

Does this mean more art soon?

Edited by Schwing
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Posted

Does this mean more art soon?

Haha. I ordered some colored pencils. Scanning all that old stuff itched me to do some non-digital drawing again but I also am currently tinkering with coloring some of it. Also I haven't uploaded the 10+ comic pages yet, that I have laying around for 10 years. I want to color them too – do them justice. One step at a time, but yea, I'm incited for continuing old pieces and creating new!

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY #34 - DAY XX:

The_Fly.thumb.jpg.cd53b0ca2358b672e36097

"The Fly" – if you look closely you can see that I wrote swear words in there, maybe this way I can pack my anger somewhere.
(In this specific piece the big strong fast as fuck invincible fly, which looks like a roach, rushes out from the field to get the drop on its victim and chop its fukn head off.
SLAYER RULZ, DIE DIE DIE!!!)

 

THANK YOU FOR READING! <3
(I somehow stopped counting days – counting suxx!)

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted (edited)

ENTRY #35 - DAY XX:

Skatan_Worshipper.thumb.jpg.4b5bc6024d02

This one is called "Skatan Worshipper", a coloration/collage of a picture I drew back in 2006. I robbed the sunshine at http://www.wallpaperup.com/67838/Sunset_Sky_Sunlight.html – thanks.

Here's the description I wrote for deviantart:

HAIL SKATAN
HAIL SKATAN
HAIL SKATAN

the skateboard reads: COOL, DEAF and the skeleton is wearing sunglasses, like its blind.
An odd joke no one can understand. It's a pun at "death is blind" and "deafblindness" and being blind to death.
I'm sure Cool Deaf will make a reappearance someday, he's really cool.

 

I haven't gotten around writing my journal lately, but drawing/art – to me – is just as expressive.

 

PS @Pierce I just re-watched Conan I and it was the shit!

"Do you know what terrors lie behind these walls?"
-"No."
"Then, you go first."

Hahaha. I also like how there's a lot of nude women and blood. That's pretty cool. What I like best though is the "superficial deepness" that is consistent throughout the whole movie.

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted

I like the drawing, as usual, man. I would like to see Cool Deaf go on some wacky adventures, if that fits into your style.

Conan pulls us in with the nudity and gore, but keeps us there with the deep lessons. It's one of those movies I go to when my purpose in life is really murky or if I'm losing hope in the world.

To quote one of the Conan novels, "The woodsman sighed and stared at his calloused hand, worn from contact with ax-haft and sword-hilt. Conan reached his long arm for the wine-jug. The forester stared at him, comparing him with the men about them, the men who had died along the lost river, comparing him with those other wild men over that river. Conan did not seem aware of his gaze."Barbarism is the natural state of mankind," the borderer said, still staring somberly at the Cimmerian. "Civilization is unnatural. It is a whim of circumstance. And barbarism must always ultimately triumph."

It's our call to a state where we live authentically, without all of the excess that society heaps on us. There's a free ebook of that novel at Project Gutenberg Australia if you're interested.

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY #36 - DAY 72:

Note to self: Stop giving advice. Live examples, don't talk shit. Jealous because of the shining sun, not because of them people achieving.

I realized that I need to stop being an idiot. AGAIN. It's this weird feeling of regret with a pinch of stupidity. And then... well even after realizing shit, you know, tomorrow the wind will blow another way, you see another horizon and you sink your ship in another riff of the same shape. You just can't help being an idiot, even if you tell yourself "don't behave like that", "don't do that" or "don't be like that" – you'll still be like that, even if you know better.

I always got around that problem of not being able to direct the changes in my personality by telling myself "I am the sum of my experience. This world has made me into what I am, every thought I heed is an echo of things I perceived in one form or another. I am just a reflection.". It rids me of the guilt that occurs when I realize my dumbness. It grants me the ability to accept my flaws and takes away that "I must, I must, I must" urge that puts me under pressure and binds me – turns me frozen stiff in stone like by a medusa's gaze. In the end, my organism consists of more than just that inner monologue. Behavioral change is not driven by the monologue, but by a million things in a giant orchestra of chaos. By the shining sun, the food I eat and the lucky circumstance to stick my dick into a chick. The latter being a rather tasteless example, but I don't hide from my ugliness – if I undergo a behavioral change and deny a dumbass motive, that isn't going to keep me from moving in that direction and that isn't going to turn a despicable motive into a gallant one.

To forcefully control this orchestra of factors that imbue me, to run up to each instrument player and grab their hands to play music that sounds well, is impossible. I can't be at all places in time – even if I mastered every instrument. Ruling by the sword grants no stability. Instead you need to take the role of the conductor, be appealing to the players, be aware that you are at their mercy but also that most of them have the desire to play a nice melody in order to manifest their talents in a brief moment of time. Listen to that melody and keep conducting.

Maintain peace in my heart, look at the sky and take a deep breath. No matter what people say or think. No matter what you think they said or thought. Their minds and words are as temporary as the waves in an ocean. Surely there are big waves and your self-awareness can get capsized, but do as any captain of a small boat would, wait inside till it gets capsized again by another big wave playing in your favor.

Every moment in life has its beauty, as does every breath you take. Even when you feel bad now, you might remember it fondly one day. You are the sum of these moments, and if you are an idiot remember that many moments will still get added to that sum and also that you aren't the one doing calculus or writing down the numbers.

So... how to stop being an idiot? Pay attention to that heartbeat, tend it to beat slowly at all times unless you are pushing against the impossible. Only if the impossible fixes you, may you let that heart explode with full force – the impossible will surely take the whole blow without shattering, so you will not harm anyone. Maintain that slow breath, try to spend as much time in the space between heart and mind as possible, to not get capsized by their waves.

Surely you have power to move and change, but inertia is at play, you need to place your force at different angles to get where you want to go. So it's best to keep that body in a constant rotation to grant it stability and blow in the direction you want to go. Like a spinning top.

There. I'm a calm idiot again. Being a calm idiot is the best state I can achieve. Good!

PS: I've really gone up in drawing and coloring old pictures, it's like videogames for me now – kind of. Still some more digging to do, but I've realized my bold shittiness is actually a feat.

Edited by destoroyah
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Every moment in life has its beauty, as does every breath you take. Even when you feel bad now, you might remember it fondly one day. You are the sum of these moments, and if you are an idiot remember that many moments will still get added to that sum and also that you aren't the one doing calculus or writing down the numbers.

THIS. Yes! Spot on. I'm in the exact same boat. Perpetual optimism has failed me, because it is very easy to become cynical, but that mentality has not. From best I can tell, the present moment seems to be the best cure all for when we're feeling down. Past regrets fade and future worries no longer exist. It's incredibly difficult, but it's reassuring to know that this solution is there.

I'm glad you've found a reprieve in art. Mine's been old science fiction novels. It's refreshing that these hobbies are far more entertaining than electronics, but less addictive.

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@Pierce Science fiction. Hah, read Stanislav Lem "The Invincible"? Of the 3 books I read in my life, it must be one of my favorites. Oh and I still need to read Neuromancer, but the language is so whack and difficult to get into! I was always more of a science fiction guy, and I've always despised the concept of "magic" in literature.

 

ENTRY #37 - DAY XX:

So I finally had the courage to tell my dad that I fucked up this semester. He was sort of disappointed but not mad, I guess he's used to it by now. This means I won't be doing 6 months, but 12 more of uni, I can't stand it anymore. But now I feel free again. It feels like last semester caught me on the wrong foot, I really don't know where I went wrong, maybe because I built a gaming PC – but honestly, I wasn't even that into it anymore. Maybe because I quit gaming, it must've DESTRUKKTED my rhythm somehow. Probably that and a million other factors I can't tell anymore, a lack of purpose and will to be.

Listening to the first Maiden CD, still. It has a rough punky vibe to it, I really like it and it sums my mood up well. Quite youthful with a high heartbeat. Invincible, embracing the unknown. My body is developing nicely, I'm gonna wear sleeveless shirts this summer, at the very least for jogging. People complaining about my style can stay at home and watch game of thrones. Make some fanart for that and turn fat. I shit on you. My soul – or whatever I am – is free. Now that I've stopped denying my death, my failure, my destruction – the spring sun came up to greet me and cast a big shadow by me unto this world to rip some shit. I feel it isn't at the apex yet.

I watched Demolition Man just now again, it creates the same vibe as Conan, just that the balance is shifted. It's not the Heros that are strong – but the world that is weak. Sometimes I can feel strong for that reason as a normal dude that's doing OK. Everywhere I see, I see shittiness and things or people that struck my heart with fear some months and years ago are doing quite horribly now and sucking – or I've outgrown them demons. I really don't give a fuck which one it is of the two, not like I can hang up a sign in the world saying "y'all suck". I don't get better by feeling proud and any advantage I've ever had, any greatness ever felt was temporary. So I will cherish these few breaths when it lasts and gaze at the stars in contemplation of all the forfeits I've experienced to be here.

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Posted

ENTRY #38 - DAY XX:

Gaaaah!! I'm still an idiot.

I wish I had been spared the realization. To live is to suffer. To breathe is to choke. Something stuck in my throat, it will never callout. A scream, a shout, a cry or vomit – I'll never find out.

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ENTRY #39 - DAY XX:

Okay. If it's all wrong what I'm doing, I can at least do whatever. So fuck y'all.

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY #40 - DAY XX:

I purchased a training bench for home now. It's a pretty good model featuring negative, neutral and 85-90° stance. I can use it for just about every exercise, it's foldable and pretty durable. I can see where money was saved on the design (it's quit cheap for all the features, the cushions are mediocre, nuts are welded into place and manufacture techniques applied are low-cost – but reasonably durable). As I only pack 65kg and with weights currently about 110kg – its safe for me.

I'm really happy with my purchase and I managed to hit the sweet spot cost-efficiency+quality+features on a first try. I knew from the pictures where static/mechanical weaknesses of the contstruction are, here sheet-metal with a strength of 4mm was used, welded in place on the long edges – good! The bolts are stainless steel and with a diameter of 1cm – nice! Every time I examined the parts I thought "ugly, cheap but effective durability and functionality wise". They used normed parts whenever possible, lots of nuts, screws and washers – nothing fancy. Welded steel profiles for the frame, no whacky design shit. I'm very happy. Giving it a whirl now.

 

EDIT: Whoa, my back feels so good, it went *knack knack* – in a good way. Sooo good! I'll probably be walking like John Wayne toworrom. Tomorrow.

EDIT2: Holy shit. My back is so awesome. This is the best feeling ever. It's like better than sex, because it's lasting so long. I feel happy all over. I don't know what I did, but I'll do it again. Sit ups on an incline must've exempted enough force in a critical direction to put my spine into place or something. I can tip my feet while standing straight, not totally well, but I have NEVER been able to do that. My back was a severe victim of hogging the screen for years.

Edited by destoroyah
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EDIT2: Holy shit. My back is so awesome. This is the best feeling ever. It's like better than sex, because it's lasting so long. I feel happy all over. I don't know what I did, but I'll do it again. Sit ups on an incline must've exempted enough force in a critical direction to put my spine into place or something. I can tip my feet while standing straight, not totally well, but I have NEVER been able to do that. My back was a severe victim of hogging the screen for years.

Holy shit dude. Nice! 

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Posted

You've raised the serpent mate! You're a demigod now! Aligned your kundahleieneienei or whatever it's fucking called! You know, that big energy ball at the base of your spine those hindus go on about. And those whackos over at joyofsatan.com too!

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