Destoroyah's Meltdown

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Posted

I started drawing again, as a means to express my feelings.

Awesome! Connecting more with our emotions is a big part of our recovery.

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Posted

Ah, that drawing brings forth the imagery of old school anal cunt. Gotta love it. 

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY #27 - DAY 52:

I have become an artfag. All I do is draw

Oni001.thumb.jpg.7423030526add7170dea692

This is called "Oni motherfuckers from Hell."

I cursed the pic. Don't look at it.

Edited by destoroyah
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Art and old-school computers. I like where this is going.

I tried to respect your witch-craft skills by not looking too long at the last picture, but I definitely took a long look at the first one and approved of it. It reminded me of Addie Bundren from As I Lay Dying.

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY #28 - DAY 53:

Gaaaah! I failed that exam. Regret regret regret all over the place. How could I??? Last semester I wrote like 6 (?.. it was many.) exams, with three of them being multiple subjects. I found a job, I was working part time at least once a week, took part in everything, a flatmate moved out and I organised almost everything on my own, I even fixed the washing machine!!!, I did multiple projects and took the leading position, and passed them all plus the exams. This semester I write 2 (!!!) exams, I virtually can not fail one of them, and I fail the other. ARGH!! I had NOTHING else to do!! The stupidity. If I just hadn't fallen sick. If... if ifififififififi... Ach fuck this, I want to choke someone. Need to be careful not to hang myself the next couple of days. This is so stupid. It costs me 6 months maybe, I'm too old for this shit.

Shit! Damn. Why... I feel so bad... ah but it's only temporary. Buckle up destoroyah, this is nothing.

I have regret for breakfast and dinner every day, the system can go fuck itself. I need to work harder... AGAIN. And I gotta work tomorrow, and the week after and then some. It's going to be sorta stressful, I don't have time feeling sorry for myself and there is no one to consolidate me. Boohoo. What a shame. It's really sad. I'm about to cry a river "My life is so terrible, my life is so terrible", psh. Stupidass useless feelings. Regret. Yo nature, why'd ya come up with that one? IT SUCKS!! I just ignore it. I don't learn from regret, you stupid world. Regret isn't a stab-wound or a concussion, it's those whimsical tears on my cushion that I just forget.

But yea, take the time to feel regret, don't close myself. Feel shitty today, so that my heart remains true. I'll dedicate this day to sadness. I just don't want to feel sorry for myself. I'm stupid, I get what I deserve. The cicumstances weren't on my side, but... well I could've seen it coming, if I hadn't been so busy "not playing video games". Dafuq, how can that even consume time? I need to identify reasons why I failed. Give me a jiffy

  1. I didn't start studying soon enough (as usual)
  2. I had a flu for like 2 weeks before the exam (fatal!)
  3. I didn't pack my bag right for the exam (whyyyyyyy)
  4. I made a simple but grave mistake during the exam, I forgot transferring a "delta phi" from one page to the other. I noticed extremely late, because I wasn't into the subject enough.
  5. I never went to the lectures (because they are only offered during summer semester)

 

FUCK ME!!! I'm an idiot. If I had packed my bag differently that day, I would've passed.

"Coping with failure" is my second name. It's the theme of my life. Living with the wrong decisions, using the momentum of a trainwreck as a means of transportation.

I really need to meet up with some people to talk to, managing myself is becoming rather tedious. Some feedback by someone on my level would be nice, but nooo they're all above and below me!! Either 5-10 years younger or 10+ older. What the hell. Where are the people my age??? Oh right, if they aren't busy falling in my back, dragging me down they are done with uni and doing some work shit, considering themselves "grown up" and "important" inciting the urge in me to smash their face in. Wasting their money flying to a remote island consuming drugs and re-enacting the scenes they saw in comics during their youth. YO FUCK YOU, give me your money and stop causing useless emissions on the planet. Gaaaah!! I hate this world today.

... and I've been hating it this whole week!! Shitty weather!! Rainy and windy all week, what the fuck, I get cold feet just looking outside. Fuck this shit. I don't want to spend my time on this earth ruminating about some crap society has pushed on me AFTER GIVING ME NOTHING FOR ALL MY YOUTH.

"Don't be so unthankful destoroyah" - sure, I'd be thankful for some good memories. Oh, you gave me none, you conveyed me not a single method on how to cope with this shit AND you unload your problems on me - and I have to lick them up like a good doggy. "It's your own fault, you are your own life's architect" - yo that's what I'm living, and sometimes I just can't take it. If I had been my own life's architect I'd be chilling on some island in a hammock eating bananas and coconuts all day. I would've built a raft to get there. I'm not lying, that's just what I do. I don't want your "dream". I don't want your comfort. I'd be fine being a man-ape in the jungle, being eaten by a tiger, if I had grown up that way. At least shit would be real, I'd piss myself in fear for actual reasons, and not this weirdass "construct" we have developed. I don't want no light bulbs and electricity and shit. And the word psychology is a shitty excuse for the mind's processes. Your language is an error made that keeps people from caressing each other and just sleeping in comfort as we need to. I have a constant inner monologue going on, and it's made up of the words you put there. Get your agenda straight, and get out of my head. I don't want to be part of your fucking chimaera. I want to burn and choke you and eat your flesh. Or something real. And not "talk about it". What the fuck. "Sophisticated human beings", yea whatever, if we were in touch with nature more, we'd call this sort of life "Slave of meaningless".

 

I would NEVER put that on a person, putting effort into something and failing. Just nothing. Like what the fuck. No consequences, no words. I hate this unthankful piece of shit world, I really hate it. If the wind blows over my house, OK! I accept it. No hard feelings. If the wolf eats my sheep, OK! Accept it. But failing an exam is so fucking retarded. I didn't build anything. I tried my best to adhere YOUR rules. I repeat: YOUR RULES. THE RULES YOU CREATED WITH YOUR PIECE OF SHIT MIND, THAT I NEVER APPROVED. Not the laws of nature or any shit, your shitty shit. YOUR SHIT. I hate your shit. It fuckn Suks man, go eat a bag of dicks and choke on it to death. I hate this shit, stupid... I don't fit in there, I don't wanna clean your shit. I wanna get out of here and live on the country in Texas with a shotgun. Trespassers will be shot and laughed at. Trespassers will need to adhere MY rules, or be shot to death. Yea, that's what I want. I don't wanna taste your shit nomore, I've been hating it since day one, and shitty laws prevent me from telling you that you fucking suck, prevent me from punching you in the face for being a tyrant that forces his shit on people. GAARRR!! HATE HATE HATE.

I need to vent my anger... I miss playing the Doom mod "Brutal Doom". I miss playing the sub mod for that, "Brutal Doom: Project Brutality", while listening to Slayer - War Ensemble. While chainsmoking and drinking beer, escaping the world tenfold. Killing myself, but feeling good, as if my body was meant to do that. As if self-destruction adheres to some law of nature. Feeling just and correct in abiding it. I miss that. I miss all those things I had to give up, to "fit". To be a "good man". Like what for? No one ever thanked me for it... I never created anything of use. The only thing it spares is the guilt of not living my potential. But fuck potential, it's just something people came up with to project guilt into peoples hearts. Making them feel bad for being as they are, giving uprise to the need to change...

 

Shit. Fuck this. I'm being stupid. Making stupid excuses. Being infantile, directing my anger at things unsolvable. This will pass. Like everything. Maybe it will pass before my life passes, maybe it won't. I shouldn't care which one it is, it doesn't matter anyways. I'll remain standing anyways, and I'll keep walking anyways. Like an undead. For no reason. Without knowing why and what for. Probably sex, but sex is overrated. As is everything I've ever seen, had and tasted - except thrash metal and the feeling of turning the tides despite all chances.

I think that's all that is there, and the latter thing only lasts a blink. When the wave is at its climax, its turning point, all forces die down and you feel your strength for a split second. True power.

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted

Thank you for this post.

I have been having similar thoughts lately.

One of the pillars of nihilism is "the world is fucked; why bother?". They are right. Society is fucked and there is nothing that we can do about it.

But, for some reason you get out of bed in the morning. For some reason you take up hobbies. For some reason you listen to fucking slayer.

As humans we are driven by emotion. Emotion is what we live for. You are not an undead just because you wander

I watched this video and it got me thinking.

Everybody feels a sense of purpose; the slaves at their desk jobs; the ape men eating bananas. If you too feel it; embrace it. Empower your purpose in yourself and others.

Maybe you don't understand your purpose? Stop looking for your purpose in reality- it will only deceive you. Society has deceived you but does conforming to it's rules make you a slave? No it only makes you a material slave. Not a brain slave. You are not a brain slave. Follow your heart and empower your emotional purpose.

Reality is reality. We can't do shit about it. The consciousness is the consciousness and there's a lot of shit we can do about it.

When neo realised he was in the matrix did he sit there drink, chainsmoke and play videogames all day? No he got his shit together and he jumped off buildings and stopped bullets in mid air. To see the farm is to leave it. You can't sprout wings and fly from it. But you can in your dreams.

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Posted

That's some heavy stuff man. I have quite a few classes I'm going to have to retake when I return to finish my undergrad, so I can relate to some degree. Still, I can't claim to be able to understand your past or what you're going through now. All I can say is that I'm grateful you're in this matrix-world with me. I'm with Schwing: this may be your opportunity to become Neo.

There are so few people that are aware that life is a game, that we don't have to play be the same rules as are ingrained us all throughout our childhood. Go through school, get a job, start a family, retire, die. Money is god. Education is god. Career is god. You have seen through the veil and know that this does not have to be the case. This means that you  are a person that this world desperately needs, because you have insights into why there is suffering and how to fix it. This makes your existence incredibly important.

I know that trite quotations may be the last thing you want to read, so stop reading now if that's the case. In the off-chance that this is helpful, here it is:

"One who lives in accordance with nature

 does not go against the way of things.

He moves in harmony with the present moment,

always knowing the truth of just what to do."

-the end of the 8th verse of the Tao.

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Posted

Destroyah -- just read your entire journal to this point (I'm new around here).

1)  You're an editor's dream ---- soooooo articulate across the whole spectrum, from ranting to analytical to philosophical.  And from a technical perspective on writing -- I've found more grammar, spelling and vocab errors in professional, published work than I found in yours (which means this is a compliment:  your stuff is better quality).  you write a mean poem too -- and I agree with an earlier comment:  if you try haiku, please post?

2)  I agree with an early comment on your work:  let us all know when  you write a book.  A lot of writers hide behind a fog of words.  Your stuff is like being exposed to a fire hose (that's a good thing).

3) Dunno if you realize how fundamentally creative you are -- from your real talent for writing, to your inventiveness with tech, to your art (and I seem to remember some talk about cooking??)

PS:  About keyboards:  physically, I absolutely cannot use a flat keyboard.  I have to have an extra-wide, ergonomically curved board (they make fewer & fewer of them these days, and some of them are just dummied up to _look_ ergonomic, but lack the width and curvature to really be ergonomic).

Back in the bad old days of typewriters, keyboards were wider, the keys spaced further apart (and on a steeper slant).  We were taught that the height of the "typing table" (gawd, I sound archaic) should be low enough, so that the hands resting on the home keys were just slightly below the elbow, with the wrists flat .  And nobody talked about carpal tunnel syndrome, even "secretaries" who spent hours a day hammering keys until they retired.  Now, keyboards are squished and flat and people buy gel cushions so they can type with their wrists flexed (I think the correct physio term is actually "extended") . . . and everybody's talkin' 'bout carpal tunnel syndrome.  (When my ancient pre-industrial MS ergonomic died, I got an Adesso.)

http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/10-things/10-ergonomic-keyboards-that-actually-do-their-job/

PS 2:  If you like the I Ching, you might also like Marcus Aurelius (Roman emperor, died 182 AD).  Interesting perspective, cuz in his entire life he saw something like 3 years of peace.  My favourite version is a translation by George Long (I like the archaic style of language).  Free here:

http://classics.mit.edu/Antoninus/meditations.html
 

Looking forward to your next post.  You've inspired me to haiku my way through my own journal sometimes when I fog the page with words (big weakness of mine).

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Whoa thanks for pushing me back! So many kind words, it's really helping me recover from that exam result.

@Schwing Nice new avatar, I like Guts!! He has just the right spirit. Too bad he can't kill the demons in his head...

Maybe you don't understand your purpose?

Yea that's what it is. When I started my education, I didn't know what I wanted. I am now almost done with uni as a mechanical engineer, but the last stretch feels so long and frustrating. I'm kind of too old to still be sitting in classrooms, where everyone has to take a break every 45 minutes because the room smells like fart. I'm not saying I am omniscient, or that I got all that "down" what they teach me, but I'm so tired of listening anyways. It's the format of education that sucks and I can't change it. I can't quit either now, I'm too far, but I just shout and scream in my mind all day. I get furious inside like a caged gorilla, I could just bend the bars and tear the world up, but I need to stay in the cage and endure their ceremonies to get my treat. Frustrating.

So my purpose is lost on the way somewhere. I don't know what my purpose is behind those bars, but for now I choose a new purpose every day - to not go insane. Maybe that's too ADHD, but my mind is... well I quickly assess things, "get the hang", but I don't like practicing all day. I do what I do, and if I don't like it, I do something else. I believe all knowledge is connected, a drummer can be a good golf player - because he has learnt body control and to weave motions with gravity. I try to master all things that I admire or deem useful, and it's been a good way of living personally, but professionally you don't get anywhere. They don't want an engineer that's OK at engineering and OK at philosophy, wisdom, english, drawing, music, tinkering, sports, ... no. They want an engineer that's GOOD at engineering. And all the feedback I ever get from that conglomerate is that I'm mediocre on a good day. I'm not just this one skill!! I can do more than OK, if you don't bind me up in concrete. But no one gives a shit.

I'd like a lecture about Physics to include a walk through the forest. It would bring me pleasure seeing all these academic characters in another scenario outside their comfort zone. As they are, humans, imperfect - and that's OK! Learn to live with being imperfect, don't try to be perfect or to uphold a mirage such as omniscience. It doesn't exist, there is no perfect circle.

People often say that only young minds can be dynamic and flexible, but I don't believe that is true. It's just that everlasting routine that makes older people "unlearn" being flexible. They do the same shit 24/7 for decades, of course they are only good at that then.

This everlasting education is not what I wanted in this world though. It feels so depriving. I'm out of place, I don't want to be seen.

I hope I just get the hang of studying soon. Something good must happen someday, eh? I've already watched many videos by Elliot Hulse, many moons ago, also this one. But yea, the guy has some nice ideas to get yourself psyched!

wolfenstein_3d__get_psyched_by_nightmare

(from Wolfenstein, forgive me, but... Ach I just dig the zeitgeist from the 90s gaming industry. And slayer. Fuckn' SLAYER)

Society has deceived you but does conforming to it's rules make you a slave? No it only makes you a material slave. Not a brain slave. You are not a brain slave. Follow your heart and empower your emotional purpose.

Sure it only makes me a material slave, but... if I surround myself with shitty material, my thoughts start revolving around it. It gets to you someday. You might not notice, you might laugh at its first attempts to catch you, but one day it has crept up your spine into your mind. Be wary what you spend time with and where, you will assimilate someday. That's why - keep mobile and nimble if you can and if it feels good to you. Play guitar AND draw AND do sports AND listen to metal AND write AND whatever it is you want.

 

@Pierce Haha!! Yea I need to get back on "the way". When shit hits the fan, I always forget where I am and how I got there, but I just stare at brown particles spread everywhere.

Need to recollect my armor scattered on the ground, and sew its holsters. Lick my wounds, reapply my war paint, sharpen my blades and gaze at the setting sun as if it was the last occasion – as if I were the only person to really understand and appreciate its beauty. These next days I'll be sure to get back into my battle-groove, thanks to you, and who knows, maybe I can make a point some day.

I'm also glad your feet are sunk in the same swampy shit as mine are, the wading becomes so much more bearable when you can share your laughs and tears. Though I would never wish anyone this fate or try to get anyone to join. Anyone that is in it, is in it because the circumstances fell so or they chose it. There is no better reason to be anywhere, we are clear of fakeass shit.

Big-Lebowski.jpg

Now let me scoop some of this around and see if "the path" is somewhere down there.

 

@KDY Wow! You read all that? That makes me feel very honored! Thinking of my style as a firehose blowing heads away with concentrated kinetic energy is a good way to start any day. The good spelling is probably derived from autocorrect – I'm sad to admit, no credit to me! Hah.

Recently I've gotten some positive feedback on my writing from a couple of people, I must be careful not to fall into a hubris, but it feels very good and always incites a spirit in me to keep writing and fighting for my beliefs (or non-beliefs). I found an old Haiku of mine and posted it in your thread. To write haiku, a certain emotional state is necessary, so I can't promise to ever get back to it, but if I do, I'll know where to go. Writing a book? Haha, I'll be sure to tell... I will need to work on some basic writing techniques though... and that'd be a load of work, but who knows, I might be amused to, when life kicks me in the groin and my passive death wish needs to be banished into letters to call myself a survivor (which happens every now and then, and then some).

I currently have little time to tinker with my keyboards, but what I really need are mechanical switches and clicky buttons. As a kid I was always hacking away on an old typewriter from grandpa, I just loved the sounds those things made. Every single one of them, the "click", the "thump", the "crrrrr" and the "ping". I have this odd audiophile passion, where I am content with things if they "sound good", and as an engineer when actually working as a mechanic that ear is my best bet on finding all the problems, I hog them boxes like Spider-Man with my ears close up to them. Machines purr when they run well, and I have this odd passion of making things purr. Be it cats, dogs, doors or dishwashers.

A wavy-ergonomic model usually does not get fabricated with mechanical switches, but I have not checked your site yet I must admit, as I need to get to my cleaning routine soon and don't have the time, but I bookmarked it. Maybe I can get inspired to try something new, which is always a good thing and I like funky peripherals, thank you.

Marcus Aurelius sounds pretty kickass, I'll be sure to try and find a hardcopy by George Long. Archaic sounds good, archaic never dies!

Sadly, my French sucks, so I can't drop by your journal, but feel free to comment on mine, I always try to drop a line.

 

Really got to go, keep strong guys, never surrender and be viscous!!... uh vicious!! VICIOUS!!

Edited by destoroyah
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I try to master all things that I admire or deem useful, and it's been a good way of living personally, but professionally you don't get anywhere. They don't want an engineer that's OK at engineering and OK at philosophy, wisdom, english, drawing, music, tinkering, sports, ... no. They want an engineer that's GOOD at engineering. And all the feedback I ever get from that conglomerate is that I'm mediocre on a good day. I'm not just this one skill!! I can do more than OK, if you don't bind me up in concrete. But no one gives a shit.

Oh how I feel your pain.

This is the conclusion in progress I reached thus far. Get a worthless piece of paper that gets you money. That shall be the piece you use to maintain yourself. And you might not be feeling as such now but this paper will also be part of your own personal human experience. 

Following this move on to find what other passions you have that you would like to improve, being the natural polymath you are. After one is done dulling their senses with *choice of substance or habit here* the world will seem so fascinating. I feel as you do a lot of the times. It is natural. 

Once you found your other passions dedicate time to them. If work is too busy make it ten minutes a day. If something brings you down and you feel like escaping, keep it ten minues but do the work first. I got an ebook a few days ago called The 5 Second rule. It is an interesting idea that I will try employing tomorrow, I suggest you try as well. http://lewishowes.com/podcast/e-mel-robbins/ Here is a nice interview (podcast, it is also on soundcloud so you can listen on the go :) ) with the author and honestly, it summarizes it well enough that you don't even need to buy the book. I did, and I'm happy I did. I'm trying the technique starting tomorrow. One of the interesting things suggested in the book is to define a max limit on work because otherwise Parkinson's Law will ruin you. Work fills up the space and time it is given. I understand this was not an issue for you in the past, but in fear of a potential lethargic breakdown (seeing your emotional state post exam) I suggest you give yourself clear limits on how much you intend to work a day. 

But back to passions. Once you find these passions you start thinking of how to make money off of it. Not the sellout way, much rather the fun way. Once done with my degree I will try to integrate myself into theater. In my moments of free time I am writing a play. I will find a way to make a living off of what I love the most while having the safety and knowledge of a completely different field. Do you know why journalism attracted me so much? Do you know why ethics and philosophy attract me so much? Because they love the well read. They love the polymaths. Find the place where they seek the experts and DESTROY THEM. Then seek those who look for the polymaths. The multi talents. The thinkers. 

I know you are in engineering, but have you ever considered applying the knowledge in a fun way? Have you ever thought of designing some funky stage for Broadway?

"Hey, when performing a good ol' german soap opera we will fling the devil from down under like he was an australian lady gaga from the super bowl" -You in a few years

At this point I'm just brainstorming, take away whatever you want and leave the rest. As you always should. Let me actually attempt a haiku with all the talk of it lately. This one's for you man; for all of us really. 

 

A rising sun stares

Rain falls cold, apathetic

I grow like a tree

 

This is how far my mental fortitude takes me atm. I hope at least some of this was useful to you. 

 

Take care. 

 

Rise through Resilience

-Csaba

 

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY #29 - DAY XX: (no time to check)

Still alive. No time to write though, I got a working week and... well cooking, sports, cleaning and eating pretty much takes all my time. Still going strong though, not about to relapse or sad or anything. Quite well actually, the Zhuangzi is my best friend, and I like thoughtless gazing into emptiness when I find the time.

In the 45 mins of "free" time I got per day, I am watching detective conan movies. It's so chilled.

My training is going well, I feel pretty racked and kickass. Sometimes I pretend to look into the Zhuangzi book, but actually I am just looking at women's behinds.

Edited by destoroyah
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Glad to hear it. Sounds like you're the good kind of busy. With the amount you mention Zhuangzi I really need to check him out.

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ENTRY #30 - DAY 62:

What a week. Work is hell, I need to do anything I can to not fall into one of those 9-5 lifestyles. It's... no it's not for me. I would probably hang myself within a couple of years and don't call me lazy. I can work hard and I would die for my beliefs – but working 9-5 so that someone can drive a Benz instead of a normal car is not one of them. Either I drive the Benz or I ride a bicycle, and honestly I really really really don't give a shit which one of the two it is, but I for sure as fuck don't want to go 9-5 on anything. Nope. I will not.

The big fear I have is, though, I don't know how to make money on my own. Maybe I could move to a country where you only need like 200$ a month to live, and sell something to rich kids in the US that I have engineered for 10$. You know, minimize my own costs and don't give a shit about how much I make. I'm good at minimizing costs, but terrible at maximizing profit. My tongue is not serpent-y enough to rip people off, as I like being honest and I like helping.

Sounds like a plan. Now, said place only need be English speaking and not in danger of getting shot in the head by an AK47, and this is where it all goes to hell. I mean, Asia could be OK, like move to Indonesia or Thailand, you know. Island, beach, and enough tourism so that the state is interested in keeping a "caucasian friendly" atmosphere. Where tourism is big enough to get by with speaking English.

*Googles* https://www.expatinfodesk.com/ ah there you go, now I only need a business idea...

 

So Indonesia, Morocco, Malaysia/Singapor or Thailand could be places to pursue such a lifestyle. These countries are fairly stable, cheap and might be acceptant enough to foreigners. Oh god, what a weird idea. It is for the far future, I need to finish my degree first, but... yea I should keep an eye open. Maybe the US are also an option, I do have an American passport, so... that'd be easy.

Germany is a very complicated place to pursue a freelance lifestyle, unless you have someone that personally teaches you the nits and grits. There is so many laws and regulations that actually make this a very safe place BUT it is fucking confusing unless you are an adept at law and economy. And I hate reading law and economy texts.

The more I think about it... actually I am doing just the right things to get where I want. My part-time job allows me that freedom to learn how to do what I want. I am in a position of decent power - for a part-timer. I put out buy and sell orders on my own pretty much... this is what I need to learn to be a good freelancer. SHIT, WOW. I never was aware of this. It's all by coincidence, but... I'm setting this up good without knowing.

Okay. Cool. There is a red line somewhere here to hold on to. Don't lose sight of those goals and just... well don't follow that red line, but tug the shit out of it till the world falls over.

Hang in there, hang in there destoroyah, it's working.

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted (edited)

ENTRY #31 - DAY 63:

Working kills creativity. I have decided that I need to save as much money as possible. Time isn't money – Money is TIME. Since I don't want to work.

I can't write anymore, it really seems as if working has killed any muse in me. Lobotomy.

 

Oh Lobotomy... what a great band name! Uh... it probably exists already, eh?

Swedish Death Metal and Argentine Thrash, just my genres, point blank! Hahaha. Brutal! Gotta start listening to it.

 

EDIT: Okay I've delved into some sick youtube playlists and I'm on Metal Safari, this shit is good!!

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY #32 - DAY XX:

I've been working too much on that stupid part time job now.

Haven't got around planning next semester, I'm not getting anywhere at uni, I've lost track of where I was and where I wanted to be.

But that's all fixable... I guess, I'll just need to work harder... do more shit I dislike. AGAIN.

 

What's really been bugging me though, is that, despite all my efforts in my personal and professional lives – I seem to be getting nowhere and I still need to take shit from all fronts and endure stuff that I despise. I'm really aggressive, people close to me have turned into a waste of time. I see some random person on the street and the first thought I have "get out of my way, you stupid fuck", then a glare and then this rising urge of grabbing his throat and choking him - or even her, it doesn't distinguish between gender or age. It is unfounded and without reason, but my frustration seems to be seeking a target, and one of these days – I fear – the next best person will do.

I've been paying close attention to maintaining my sports routine and I'm going to my limit where I can to tire myself, but this doesn't help me relieve my anger. I listen to heavy metal, and I've played with the thought that it might serve as an amplifier for my anger, rather than an outlet, but these past weeks I rarely had the time to actually listen to any music and I don't ever wear headphones on the go as it gives me the feeling of impairing my senses but my anger levels are at their peak. I had to prevent myself from writing in my journal "I want to kill someone" for 20 pages, because I really felt like it.

Today I almost bought a NES, because I really want to play Castlevania III. I thought "yea, these kids at game quitters are all struggling with girlsy shitty DOTA crap, NES is the shit!" – and all sortsa crap to justify a purchase. I really miss my NES sessions, I could never play more than 1-2 hours in a row, because it was rather tiresome and got boring at the point you kept trying and failing that impossible level. There were never drops, or loot, there was only skill. No chances, only you and blisters on your thumbs.

This anger is my biggest enemy, it would have the power to drive me into a relapse, because I know that gaming has always been the place where I could pack it – never to come back. And when I arrived at the near end stages on Castlevania III ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J8XqDENH1Y&list=PLEFFCC6ED90E41A23&index=15 ), or when I got to the final level of Shatterhand ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=175LKhA0vu4&index=10&list=PLED35EE5076954DFA) to beat it again, smelled the chance of a complete playthru, I felt as if my two eyes were all in the world and every millisecond counted eternity. Right there in the zone with myself, by myself and not in need of anyone to cheer me on – I was self sufficient, score was my feedback and going from the left side to the right was my only purpose. It was simple and stupid – as life should me.

I've tried finding a substitute, and I've realized there is none for that. Not drawing, not doing anything with computers, not making music, not exercising and not cooking. Sure, they all help channel my "soul" and maintain it – but in the end I'm still empty on the inside. All these things just manifest me and keep me working. But there is nothing that uses me up as I want to, nothing that challenges me enough to get rid of my anger. When I pass an exam – I feel no accomplishment. Recently I've gone from jogging 5kms to 10kms – no feeling of accomplishment. I lift, I lose weight, I look like a Levis model if you chop my head off – no feeling of accomplishment. No matter what I do, I feel nothing. I can do anything I set hand on, and sometimes it surprises me that I can, but there is no pleasure drawn out of it. As if that shit was just hard coded in my spine and nothing to it really. Nothing I may feel proud of, because the moment I do I lose these skills. Women seem to be happy to receive my attention, but I never give them any – because I see a million flaws and problems with having them in my life. I see a million flaws in everyone in fact. Maybe because I'm working so hard on myself and I'm frustrated that I'm still unhappy with how things are and the next best idiot seems to be doing fine. Even though he isn't, and I know, but my frustration don't care.

Maybe I haven't looked hard enough for that passion of mine, but I feel this passive deathwish in me rising more and more, either that, or the desire to shortwire and attack someone random. I've done it all by the book and beyond. I did it all right and it's still there, my heart can't endure this shit anymore. I have no problem resisting gaming, when it comes down to reality, but some part of me tells me it's my only passion. I've been shuffling through this desert, and there's a million cans to drink called gaming. I feel hollow. I feel like I could consume this whole world with just a stare at the ground for too long.

Something good could happen to me once in a while... I mean, I don't think that way, I only believe in actively pursuing my goals, dreams and wishes but there are none. I don't give a shit. People in my life show me nothing new. Maybe I am just a bad listener... but... well I try, and I know... there is nothing new.

This phase will end like any. I was kind of hoping that writing would inspire me, but instead it only robbed me of my time and with that – sleep. Fuck.

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