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Übermensch

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Posted (edited)

I hope it's not to early too say congrats! xD

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted

Day 90. Reflection coming soon. :) 

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So, to all those whom it may concern, I am back. 

On day 91 I resumed gaming. I have been gaming for the last few days now. And here are my perspectives on the 90 days and my experience of the return. 

 

The 90 days were very helpful. 

I gained new friends, 

I found my passion for martial arts, 

I found time to go places and visit a friend more regularly in person, 

I found it easier to interact with people on a whim with no necessary preparation,

I found it such that I could trust people easier in the beginning,

I prefer seeing friends over games easily now (used to be something I actually had to consider)

I found that my humor improved slightly. 

 

What I did not get from it

My time management other than a few exceptional days of control (circa 20% of my 90 days) did not improve much.

My discipline did not develop much, I dare say at all, after all discipline is a habit. 

Habit formation is still immensely difficult. 

I found other ways to waste time under the cover of "this will benefit me" 

 

What I learnt

This is the most crucial things that I learnt over my 90 days through listening to self help audiobooks and exploring self help and motivation areas. 

Happiness is relative to a metric for happiness aka you choose what standards you need to meet to be happy (The subtle art of not giving a fuck) 

Laziness, procrastination and all such are habits, not ingrained traits; when you get an idea that causes you to hesitate you instantly need to act on it otherwise your brain is wired to kill it off (The 5 second rule) 

 

Goals from the beginning:

I almost read/listened to the 3 books (I am satisfied) 

I demonstrated loyalty to Integrated Martial Arts and to my friends and the act of socializing with the newly learnt perspectives. For a long while I maintained a cold shower habit. 

I am vaguely more comfortable cooking now. I avoid dairy in lieu of my dairy sensitivity. 

I failed time management, schedule and sleep cycle hacking. (I suspect I am strongest in the morning given a strong start to a morning)

 

And what I learnt from coming back to games

I desperately fear and avoid stress, and I escape no matter what I let myself escape with. During my 90 days I escaped with things that I deemed will be 'useful' to me some day and so I fell into the illusion of progress while essentially changing nothing in my habits. 

 

 

 

The dawn of a New Era of Übermensch

So what now? 

First of all I want to thank you all for helping me this far. The support was immense and I can only hope I could give back a fraction of the help I recieved from you all back into the community. 

To go with the metaphor motif of my journal, I am now able to look the devil in the eye. After all this time of complication and me trying to hide the simplest truth I can finally accept it. I simply can't handle stress. It is that simple. As demonstrated in past entries I like to see patterns and signs/indicators where there are none. I threw all that out the window. I can't handle stress. And when I finish one tast I open an opportunity for more stress therefore I just want to escape it. This is what I learnt by coming back to games. My most bare bones root of problems. I think this is amazing. Definitely a worthwhile breakthrough. 

Once again I raise the question. What now? 

I need to strike at the points I failed to address over my 90 days while maintaining my other skills. Discipline and time management in order to dissolve the sensation of stress. I want to change my order of life such that stress does not 'originate' from tasks, much rather from time slots. The way a teenager merely needs to obey and walk from class to task, I want to walk from task to task, almost separate from the actual action of doing. By taking my timeschedule into my own hands I, in a way, remove the stress of action from myself. After all, I just follow orders. This should lower stress levels I experience. I need to maintain a habit of meditation. I need to get in the habit of using the 5 second rule before things I would do anyway in order to build the habit of improved decision making. I need to maintain exercise and healthy food. Need to lower my alcohol intake (although I dare say for my age group I do quite fine) I shall craft a plan tomorrow morning. I'm a bit tired now. 

So what will happen to games? 

I'm sorry to let some of you down, they stay. I want to regulate them greatly, but they stay. Let me explain, the same way depressed people are comforted by the option of suicide, I want to be comforted by the option of games. Now, this is an insulting comparison and I apologize to any offended (I don't often apologize for offending someone but I make an exception) but I want it to know that when a daily dose of stress is dealt with, at the end of the tunnel there is momentary escape. This is not only comforting, it can even function as a method to secure the rest of the day in place, knowing I will be driven to get the rest of my day done. 

The goal is obviously that I don't need to do this. That I no longer need the escape. The sign of an Übermensch is that he does not even consider jumping off the bridge. I need to reach the point where games and escape separate, and whether or not I will be interested in playing after that is the real question. Because if I do, it will be of genuine interest and fascination, and given my field I dare say it could even be justified, and if I lose interest then it will be for the better as well. 

 

 

Thank you everyone. I'm up for discussion as always, I just ask you not to come crashing down on me. This is not a relapse, I did complete my 90 days and it was a conscious decision for me to go back. Now I also understand why, and I understand my own inner workings better. So, to carry on in style, 

 

A fire burnt the woods

I feel the devastation

Fresh seeds will grow great.

 

Art is Astounding, Progress is Palpable 

-Csaba

 

 

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Posted

I'm happy to read that entry Csaba! I think it's good that you made it all the way through and that you have made many positive experiences. That you have learnt many things about yourself and are now able to think about your next step with more precision.

Going back to gaming is OK I think, you have proven that you can manage when your life hits a wall and that it is a conscious decision. Like I said in my E-Mail, I believe that you can manage gaming in moderation, or that it is at least worth a try and that you will have enough willpower and self-awareness to pull the plug when necessary. I really wish that you may find some passion that gives you equal fulfillment – it doesn't need to replace gaming though, because that would only downsize your scope!

I hope you will still occasionally drop by the forums and that we may keep contact every now and then as accountability partners – in whatever cause we are up to.

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Nice one! Everybody's approach to game is subjective to the individual. I don't think whether gaming is good or bad is absolute. Some things in life are just open for interpretation. What matters it you are interpreting and that you are forging your own path based on your own values. Godspeed you Übermensch!

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Posted (edited)

Congrats! I'm in the same boat in that there's still so much more I'd like to get done with discipline/time management. That said, with the knowledge that you quit video games for 90 days, and the habits you formed from doing so (some of them are more subtle, and will come into play as you work on fostering discipline), you have peeled yet another layer off of the onion of addiction. You're one step closer to having mastered yourself. There are few things worth more than that, in my opinion.

Keep the video games and whatever you need to keep on going, but I'm glad you're still fighting the fight of the Übermensch. Going back to Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey motif: grow stronger, and when the time comes you will be able to defeat the threshold guardians that bar the way. The key is keep on pushing forwards, cultivating greater skills, wisdom, and inner peace.

Let me know if there's anything I can ever do for you, and I'm just one PM away if you ever want to talk.

In your alliterative style: Stay Shwifty.

 

Edit: Also I just did more research on the Wim Hof method, and I'm really excited to add it to my daily habits. Thanks for sharing that with me, and for all of the encouragement you've given me along the way!

Edited by Pierce
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Posted

I am making a return. 

I need to quit/severely limit games for the exam season. Although I have already discovered that gaming is a symptom of my issues not the cause of them, as long as I don't have a method to solve the root issue I need to take care of the symptoms. 

 

My problem is stress management. Because I have a lot of the things on the back of my mind even when I don't think about it. I might be the first actually successful man in my family and I will have a duty to support all of my family members when I grow up. I need to think about my grades all while living in a separate country from my family. I know there are people with greater challenges but this is my reality, therefore currently my greatest challenge. I use gaming and internet in order to avoid thinking about my issues and facing stress sources head on, because solving them just implies more stress sources will come. Truly a coward's attitude. 

 

I've grown a lot thanks to my first 90 days here. And although I don't intend to be as dogmatic this time around, I want to assure that all my gaming is for why I claim it is. Fun and relaxation, not some escapism. I also need to once again prioritize exercise because I seem to have dropped that for a while. 

 

So here is my current action plan. 
 

Step 1. Face your fears: Csaba, you might fail an exam because of your overwhelming refusal to face your fears. But all you are doing is digging a hole for yourself. You need to stop that. 

Step 2. Evalaute, damage control: Yes, once again I join GQ in a last minute manner. I guess it is logical. Joining GQ is part of step one, something that I avoided for many weeks. 

Step 3. Understand escapism: Even during my first 90 days I've done a lot of escapism and demonstrated a lot of escapist behavior. Less evidently, however. I need to understand when it happens and what I can do when it does. SIDE NOTE. Escapist behavior comes in different forms during times of stress and times of relaxation. I need to identify and find a solution to both. 

Step 4. Further your self help journey: Already found 2 new ebooks I am interested in by leading psychiatrists on issues of self control and productivity. Should be good to listen to those. 

Step 5. Stay in touch: Once I was done here I was so excited to go back for the fun of games I completely abandoned GQ. I did not want to have to let go of that. And would you look at that, fun turned into escapism I believe only 4 days after my return. I need to stay here, or at least I need to actively manage myself with IRL friends. All shall be seen. 

Step 6. Embrace Manhood: Now this is an odd one, but let me repeat. I might be the first actually successful man in my family. I was raised only by women. It is time for me to transition from the role of boy and child of the house to a Man of his own, a craftsman of his own fate. That is the greatest step I can take. 

 

The Übermensch journey continues. But thanks to the break from the last 90 days I now understand what exacty I need to work on. I'm excited to embrace this once again, just as I am scared shitless of it. 

Daily reports coming. 

 

 

 

P.s Something I found for you guys who do art as therapy. You might be interested in this. 

https://www.udemy.com/art-therapy-for-everyone/?utm_term=_._ag_Affinity-ArtPsychoTherapy-ENG-Affinity-Big4-Feb3-_._ci_589308_._._pi_1636863703020354_._gi_all_._ai_18--65_._an_zrmIBc_._lo_[Australia, Canada, United States, United Kingdom]_._&k_clickid=aaaaa9dc-11f7-4376-94bb-04168638c834_122915388&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=udemyads&utm_campaign=NEW-FB-PROS-NONP-PerDev-ArtTherapy-EN-ENG_._ci_589308_._sl_ENG_._vi_NONP_._sd_All_._la_EN_._

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Posted

It takes a lot of self-honesty and courage to come back and face your demons again, especially after you thought you had already driven them away. I commend you.

I've discovered the same thing: it is the root that's the problem. It's why I'm still here (though not actively posting as much). It's why I've changed my whole life (course of study, which friends I spend the most time with, hobbies, etc.) to be focused in a manner that gives me the time and emotional resources to try and kick my addiction once and for all. The addiction is not video games. It's not the myriad of other things that I've had compulsive issues with in the past. It's myself. As you aptly put it, it's our escapism. Fear of being content on our own.

We're wired for stimulation, and we've built the habit to give in to it when it cries out, even if we don't want to anymore. I was watching a Let's Play series on a certain game earlier today (youtube is still something I'm trying to manage, though I am seeing progress), and was able to stop when I needed to do other work. A few minutes later I felt it calling to me. I inwardly laughed. I laughed not because I thought I had complete control of it, far from it, but because I was conscious that there was something within in me that was trying to make me bend to its will. This much is certain to me: I don't want to go to my grave knowing that I was still under the control of anything's will. I will do whatever it takes to be a free man.

You are fighting to free your mind. You are fighting to become your own man. I see success. The fact that you are so introspective of every time you fail, and are determined to improve, is indicative of this. 

 

This visualization has helped me, and maybe it will do the same for you: As we run from ourselves we give power to The Many, our inner demons. When we face ourself we become more aligned with it, more aligned with the Truth and with Strength. The deeper we go within, the more we are willing to embrace the fire therein, the more we become free from the pull of the Many.

You've got this Csaba.

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Posted

Day 0. 

I'm doing a 30 day cleanse. 

I feel disconnected from reality stronger than before. 

I might need to repeat this year of uni because after my 90 I decided to allow myself full escape through games. 

This is ruining me. 

I'm not angry at myself. I'm not even disappointed. Those feelings would be useless, also, the solutions were beyond me. 

But they are no longer beyond me. I have them in my hand. It is my choice to exercise them. 

The chimp paradox is a really good book. I can only recommend it. The best one I've listened to thus far. 

I am having a go at music again. I linked a video I found relevant about music thought I would share. 

I don't even like the games I play anymore. Compulsive gameplay is just not what I used to think it was. I see through it now. 

 

All I know is I need to reconnect and I will do my absolute best to do just that. 

 

 

 

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Posted

Oh no another loop...

Good luck! 

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