Cam Adair Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 I see now that this addiction issue is going to be much harder than I thought.One day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 (edited) Day 13I played a browser game this morning. I never realized just how toxic gaming was in my life. On days 12 and 11 I did a lot of computer programming, and loved it, but today the first thing I did was play a game and I just lost all motivation to do anything of use. I did manage to go eat dinner with a few friends of mine. We only meet up about once a month but I try to go if I can. In the past I would avoid doing any events outside of going somewhere to eat but now I'm going to try doing other activities with them.90 days is a long time and I really don't have that many things I can either afford to do or that I'm interested in. I downloaded the 60 hobby ideas. I know I can't game in moderation since just playing the one game pretty much ended my day. I even reinstalled steam.I'll try the 90 day detox again. I have to. I know that if I start gaming again I'm just going to go back to 16 hour binging like I did today. I'm going to uninstall steam again. Also deleted the browser game. Edited January 22, 2017 by none239 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 Day 14No games this morning.The difference between starting the day off with gaming and starting it without gaming is so extreme it's almost comical. Yesterday I almost gave up and went back to game binging and this morning I would not even play a game if I got it for free.On the 13th morning I started the day with a game. I went to bed around 10:00 P.M. the night before and I slept well. I had no energy throughout the day and just could not will myself to do anything. No amount of caffeine could get me going. As I mentioned yesterday I went out to eat with friends. I ate a double cheese burger pretty late into the night and I went to be around 1:00 A.M. Normally the combination of a very late heavy dinner and getting less than 8 hrs. of sleep would leave me drained... So I thought. But this morning I just had a bit of caffeine and got up ate breakfast and now I'm about to do some programming. I feel great! It just shocks me how "hard wired" my brain has become with gaming to just give up on everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cam Adair Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 The difference between starting the day off with gaming and starting it without gaming is so extreme it's almost comical.YEP! Stay focused on this. 90 days, one day at a time. You can do this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Day 15Hit a huge road block with the programming yesterday that has pretty much derailed it.Started gaming again but I managed to get a small amount of programming done. I woke up in a major depressive mood today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) Day 16 Woke up this morning feeling absolutely terrible. A storm of physical aches, depression and a total lack of energy. Stayed in bed until almost 4 pm. Got a tiny amount of programming in.Still gaming. Edited January 25, 2017 by none239 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cam Adair Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 How is gaming serving you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 How is gaming serving you?It's a complete hindrance as always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Pharmacist Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Hello!Ah, learning to play guitar, huh?This will hurt a lot your fingers, but only at the beginning. First 2 weeks are the worst, but then everything is getting better.If you're a real man, than you can handle it right? Greetings, Mad Pharmacist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) DayHello!Ah, learning to play guitar, huh?This will hurt a lot your fingers, but only at the beginning. First 2 weeks are the worst, but then everything is getting better.If you're a real man, than you can handle it right? Greetings, Mad PharmacistI'm going to move back in with my mom so I've abandoned guitar for the time being. Day 17 I'm remembering what it was like during that year I was unemployed. I was constantly feeling an almost physical pressure due to the guilt I felt for mooching off my mother. I've felt like that over the past few days. It drains my energy, causes me VERY scary chest pains, and just sends me into pretty intense depression spirals.Just finished meditating and I had a realization. The reason I gave up on things is all due to stress. I've spent years at a time stressed to the point where I would get physically ill in certain situations.The best counter to this is a sort of self-pep talk (It's pretty much just that. A bit of self encouragement. ). And the I give myself the best self-pep talks while meditating. Edited January 25, 2017 by none239 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Did not play video games yesterday. So I'm restarting the 90 day detox in earnest..Day 18Physically moved laptop out of my bedroom before bed. Knocked nearly four hours off of my morning "unproductive time". Meditated as soon as I took my morning shower and went back to programming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cam Adair Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Did not play video games yesterday. So I'm restarting the 90 day detox in earnest..If you can do it one day, you can do it any day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 Day 18 cont. Went to local PFLAG meeting. Haven't been going for the past few months, a few times because of video games. I felt a lot better about things in general. I know I need to go to more social events, but I'm still struggling with some left over social anxiety. Leader of local PFLAG group asked for people to speak to local high schools and political groups about our life experiences but I felt too insecure to sign up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted January 28, 2017 Author Share Posted January 28, 2017 (edited) Day 19`Woke up today feeling petty bad. Tired a little dizzy and with a mild migraine. Grandfather asked me to come stay with him for a few hours. I did but he went to sleep and I ended up watching a gaming stream and I wanted to start gaming again so badly that I downloaded a game. It took all of my will power did not play.After I got home my symptoms intensified to the point where I could not do anything other than lay in bed for the rest of the day. Day 20Still feel a little bad but not nearly as bad as I felt yesterday. I haven't been that sick in months. Deleted game as I still had strong urges to play it. Noticed that permanently deleting games seems to help with urges greatly. Luckily the games I like are not browser games. Still maintaining detox. Started reading the power of habit and realized I may need to permanently give up games since I almost go into a trance like state while gaming. Edited January 28, 2017 by none239 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 (edited) Day 21Still reading the power of habit and I had a few revelations recently.1. I find it much easier to avoid watching youtube in the morning. I actually had the laptop next to my bed and I watched a youtube video but I knew that watching "one more video" would only end with me watching hours of videos and stopped myself. 2. The reason I find creating new habits so difficult is that I never reward myself and the end reward for the habit is something I've never had. I can't seem to devote myself to a diet since I've been out of shape all my life and I can't even imagine being in shape. The same applies to learning Japanese.3. I've come to question whether or not I was having fun playing video games at all. I can think of the last game I played before my 3rd attempt, this is actually my 4th attempt, at quitting games. The game was about a group that crash lands on a planet and has to find a way off while fending off the elements, ect. The game was a lot of fun in the beginning due to all of the tense action, but after a while... everything becomes mundane. You pretty much nullify all threats but the game continues on towards it's end goal at a snail's pace.I remember spending hours trying to mod the game to be more interesting but it still had huge tracts of time where nothing really happened. I knew that I was not enjoying myself but, I could not will myself to stop playing. What was the reward of playing the game? I can only guess that the trance I would enter was the reward. I didn't have to worry about being unemployed, bills ect.What do I get from gaming? The crash landing game was not fun for long. I did not get anything tangible. I hated multiplayer games so I had no community to interact with. I should have played for a few hours and lost interest. But I know that I have to have played that game for a minimum of 200 hours. (The developer actually added a few features that makes every achievement you get come to you much slower so I could easily have spent twice as much time on it.). I can think of another game that literally forced you to play the whole game over again if you made one mistake! But only after you sunk a 50 to 100 hours into it. (I hear that they plan on releasing DLC soon.)It's just habit. I used to get up in the morning at 8 am, start playing and when I looked up it was 8 pm. I did this for years at a time. Now that I think about it again the time I spent playing individual games varied greatly. I can think of one game I could only play for about 30 minutes before it got boring. Another I could play for 2 - 3 hours. But as I that crash landing game? Hell if I really wanted to play it badly enough I could play it almost 20 hours straight. And I'm almost certain I have at least once and I can think of two others that I know I've played for 20 hour binges.Though now that I'm talking a close look at my habits that seems extremely unappealing right now. Edited January 29, 2017 by none239 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cam Adair Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 2. The reason I find creating new habits so difficult is that I never reward myselfAny ideas what rewards you can give yourself now? Here's a video I have on rewards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) 2. The reason I find creating new habits so difficult is that I never reward myselfAny ideas what rewards you can give yourself now? Here's a video I have on rewards. I don't know honestly. Video games where so intergral to my life that they where the reward and objective of my life. I'm trying to think of rewards that don't involve high calorie foods. Day 22 and 23Power company found major issue with lines on Day 22 and I had no power all day. Realized that I have a lot of time I have trouble filling without computer.I noticed that since I did not do too much productive work on 22nd day it was very difficult to start again on day 23 and to be honest I did not get anything significant done. Edited February 1, 2017 by none239 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Pharmacist Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I noticed that since I did not do too much productive work on 22nd day it was very difficult to start again on day 23 and to be honest I did not get anything significant done.At least you wrote an entry here! That's significant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) Day 23 cont.Had a an extremely hard time going to sleep due to worries about the future.Day 24The day I hoped would never come is here. I'm out of money. I have a whirlwind of emotions about this. Initially I felt strangely empowered. I had to truly put my all into quitting video games or else. There's no do overs now. Then I tried to search for jobs online and as I mentioned in the early days this triggers me hard. I feel a little better now that I've had a few hours to stop worrying about things. Edited February 1, 2017 by none239 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 (edited) Day 25After giving myself a few pep talks I'm back to programming again. Set a move out date as well. Been having cravings to play games but they are completely different since the "sometimes games are not fun" realization. They are extremely weak and fade quickly.A thought occurred to me as I meditated this morning. Worrying about the future is a lot like worrying about how to make each and every blade of grass on your lawn stand perfectly straight:Your doing the wrong thing. You should be worried about making sure the grass is cut to reasonably. You will never get each blade perfectly straight and even if you did it accomplishes nothing.In terms of worrying about the future, you should not worrying about whats going to happen to you. You should plan on what you are going to do. Events will always happen that will "bend the grass" but viewing life, the future, ect. in terms of what can go wrong is just a recipe for depression. Edited February 2, 2017 by none239 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted February 4, 2017 Author Share Posted February 4, 2017 Day 26Got extremely sick again after breakfast and I spent the day in bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted February 5, 2017 Author Share Posted February 5, 2017 Day 27 Got a good amount of programming done. Not to much else happened. Day 28Got very late start. I need to start taking a shower every morning. It helps me get out of bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cam Adair Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 Got very late start. I need to start taking a shower every morning. It helps me get out of bed.Showering first thing in the morning is my first good habit of the day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted February 6, 2017 Author Share Posted February 6, 2017 Day 29Got very late start. I need to start taking a shower every morning. It helps me get out of bed.Showering first thing in the morning is my first good habit of the day. This. There's something about devoting yourself to a routine that kind of gives you a boost of energy. I noticed that it's getting harder and harder to get myself to code. I think it's because it's all I do during the day other than internet surfing. I did manage to do some coding on day 28 though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
none239 Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 (edited) Day 30Depression is really setting in with my debt rising. Day 30 cont.Meditation saved the day again. Going back to programming. Edited February 8, 2017 by none239 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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