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3rd time's a charm right?

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Posted (edited)

Day 5

 

Unplugging TV in the morning made all the difference in the world. I would recommend moving all phone, laptops, TV's ect away from your sleeping area to anyone doing a 90 day detox since it's just as easy to watch TV for hours as it is to play video games for hours.

Edited by none239

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Posted (edited)

Day 5 cont.

 

I seem to have less and less to write about and that is a good thing. When I first started the 90 day detox I had to struggle just to think about anything other than gaming but Day 5 was peaceful. It just makes me realize all the more that I probably never wanted to play video games so much to start with. I just wanted to be sedated from all of the fear I felt.

Felt a massive wave of fatigue around 2:00 3:00 PM today. I almost did not practice guitar but I found will to do so.  Failed to study Japanese and did not make moving plans. 

 

Day 6.

 

Started today off a little slowly but was able to will  myself out of bed well before the 2 hour mark.  Asked mother to let me move back in. Not sure why I was so tense about it since she literally told me that it was ok. Meditation still helps focus.

Edited by none239
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Posted

Meditation still helps focus.

Stick with meditation. It brings more value over time.

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Posted (edited)

Day 6 cont.

OK I need to seriously limit my time on youtube.

 

A quick google search shows that "Addiction transfer" or"Substitute Addictions" can be a very real problem.

 

When I watch youtube videos I feel that same sort of sedation I feel when I game.

Edited by none239

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Posted

Day 7.

 

Today marks the 6th day I've gone without playing video games, for anyone reading this post first I relapsed not too long into the second day. This is the longest I've gone without games in over 20+ years. It was actually not quite as hard as I thought it would be. I'm not even sure if I'd go back to gaming after the 90 days are up.

The only thing to do now is move forward.

I really have three options:

 

1. Go back to work as a computer programmer.

I'm a little leery about this path since my last job deceived me as to what the future held for me and the company. I'm not even sure if my knowledge is still relevant to the field and learning new languages seems like kind of a crap shoot since every employer needs their employees   different languages. I really don't even have a portfolio of work from my old job since I ultimately ended up working tech support instead of doing anything even remotely programming related. 

 

2. Go back to school to pursue a BA in psychology.

Money is the biggest hurdle here. I was actually supposed to do this last year but fear of something new led me to stall until the new school year started without me. I applied for Finical aid but I never got a response back and I never put effort into finding out why. This is one of the biggest reasons I quit gaming since it allowed me to put my head in teh sand about the issue.   

I've learned quite a bit about myself and other people

 

3. Do something independently on line.

Ever since I was a child I wanted to play video games and when it came time to decide on a future job the only thing that came to mind of either video game testing or programming. But now that I've realized how toxic my gaming addiction was I feel a great amount of hesitation about creating a game of my own.

The type of games I played the most where strategy games. With hardware advancements these games are no longer about conquering a single continent or planet, you can have an unlimited number of totally randomized worlds to explore.

In addition most of the games I played towards the end of my last gaming binge where grand strategy games. These games have an almost torturous instant gratification and constant carrot and stick bating. You always seem to be making slow and constant progress that the game rewards but you always have something else you need to do. You never lose and you never win. If I compared games I played in the 90' and games I played in 00'. I could play one game from the 90's strategy games in roughly a week. The games form 00' could go on for 3 or 4 real-time months.  And that's if I played it for 16 hours a day!

Most of the ideas for games I have would fall into the grand strategy category or they are so close to it that I could see many people like myself getting hooked on it. Knowing what I know now I just can't make a game like that.

My other online idea was to start a blog about my struggles with depression. The idea hit me after watching Cam's video about stupid actions. I've toyed with the idea of making a blog for a while but some excuse, and a new video game, always came up.

 

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Posted

I actually don't know what you want to do but the insights of having some working experience in a IT-environment is worth a  lot if you try to get a new job. What language did you learn back in the days if I may ask? Many general ideas about coding are transferable so learning a new language won't be a waste if you decide for it even if you won't use it in a new job. Even the progress of learning will you do a lot of good.

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Posted (edited)

I actually don't know what you want to do but the insights of having some working experience in a IT-environment is worth a  lot if you try to get a new job. What language did you learn back in the days if I may ask? Many general ideas about coding are transferable so learning a new language won't be a waste if you decide for it even if you won't use it in a new job. Even the progress of learning will you do a lot of good.

My specialty was RPG for the as/400. But also PHP HTML Visual Basic and a litte C#.

 

Day 8

One reason I don't get things done is due to a lack of energy. I've taken care to look over my sleeping arrangements, and the time I go to bed, and I found that the space heater I'd sleep with is pretty loud. I moved it into the hallway and I seemed to be well rested this morning. 

 

I've had enough. Youtube is completely side tracking me right now. It's not as bad as the gaming but it's not much better either. I downloaded and app that lets be block sites for hours at a time.   Youtube is at the top of the list of blocked sites. 

 

I finally created the blog. Not quite sure what to do with it next

 

Day 9

 

Last night I couldn't sleep and I ended up worrying about the future. Mostly because I can't seem to find a job.

Ever since I graduated from college several years ago job hunting is a nightmarish paradox. If I don't have a job it's because I'm not qualified due to my lack of on job computer programming experience or I'm over qualified due to my AS degree. I just feel like it's proof that I don't belong in this world.

Got a very late start today, around 1 p.m.

I tried to job search today and it triggered me like I haven't been triggered in years. I want to play video games and give up on the detox. My depression is back in full force. 

Edited by none239

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Posted (edited)

Day 9 cont.

Today was an absolute emotional roller coaster. I'm ok now but I failed to do anything of use today.

 

Day 10

I see now that this addiction issue is going to be much harder than I thought. I spent all day today watching TV in bed and I hardly noticed it. It's really not all that much different than gaming. Interestingly enough I have no desire to play video games but a strong one to watch youtube, anime, ect.

Still found myself lamenting the job/money situation. I tried to meditate but after I stopped watching TV my mind just races so much.  

Edited by none239

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Posted

Day 10 cont.

 

I'm going to have to make a game. I can program but my getting hired prospects are not so good right now.

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Posted (edited)

Day 11 and Day 12

 

The past two days have been... Interesting. I don't know if the neighborhood I live in was having an electrical problem or what but I lost all internet availability for the past day and a half. 

So since I couldn't watch youtube all morning I focused totally on finally setting events into motion to move out.

Need to go back to unplugging TV in the morning.

 

 

 

Edited by none239
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Posted

I see now that this addiction issue is going to be much harder than I thought.

One day at a time. 

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Posted (edited)

Day 13

I played a  browser game this morning. I never realized just how toxic gaming was in my life. On days 12 and 11 I did a lot of computer programming, and loved it, but today the first thing I did was play a game and I just lost all motivation to do anything of use. 

 

I did manage to go eat dinner with a few friends of mine. We only meet up about once a month but I try to go if I can. In the past I would avoid doing any events outside of going somewhere to eat but now I'm going to try doing other activities with them.

90 days is a long time and I really don't have that many things I can either afford to do or that I'm interested in. I downloaded the  60 hobby ideas. I know I can't game in moderation since just playing the one game pretty much ended my day. I even reinstalled steam.

I'll try the 90 day detox again. I have to. I know that if I start gaming again I'm just going to go back to 16 hour binging like I did today.  I'm going to uninstall steam again. Also deleted the browser game.

 

Edited by none239

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Posted

Day 14

No games this morning.

The difference between starting the day off with gaming and starting it without gaming is so extreme it's almost comical. Yesterday I almost gave up and went back to game binging and this morning I would not even play a game if I got it for free.

On the 13th morning I started the day with a game. I went to bed around 10:00 P.M. the night before and I slept well. I had no energy throughout the day and just could not will myself to do anything. No amount of caffeine could get me going. 

As I mentioned yesterday I went out to eat with friends. I ate a double cheese burger pretty late into the night and I went to be around 1:00 A.M. Normally the combination of a very late heavy dinner and getting less than 8 hrs. of sleep would leave me drained... So I thought. But this morning I just had a bit of caffeine and got up ate breakfast and now I'm about to do some programming. I feel great! It just shocks me how "hard wired" my brain has become with gaming to just give up on everything.

 

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Posted

The difference between starting the day off with gaming and starting it without gaming is so extreme it's almost comical.

YEP! Stay focused on this. 90 days, one day at a time. You can do this.

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