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Mhyrions journey

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Posted

All my alarm bells are ringing, but I am sitting here apathetic, unable to move. I have these panic/back-up buttons set up for myself, all I have to do is push them. I am finding myself motionless next to them, thinking how it would be the right thing to do to push them. How it would help. How I am not pushing those buttons. I hate this point, I keep getting stuck here. I am always at a loss how I ended up here. In the moment at least. And I feel fucking apathetic. But this too, shall pass.

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Posted

It has passed.

I am functional again. I completed my morning routine and build some momentum before heading off to the academy. Yesterday evening I finally broke out of my apathetic shell. I am annoyed that I wasted 2 days, but I am reminding myself that I need to be kind and patience with myself. I fell into a trap but I climbed out again. I have identified the trap as not starting my morning routine and building momentum in the morning and again easy entertainment. Also not being able to process my emotions fully yet is a big hindrance. But I am in the process of becoming more and more capable. I feel like sometimes I sound like a broken record when I once again notice that what I am doing is not working, and that I have come to that conclusion a couple of times before. But I am embracing that sounding like a broken record is what will eventually lead to change in my life. If I have to figure out that my energy gets drained from eating junk food 20 times before I am ready to change that aspect of my life, so be it, as long as in the end the change is happening.

I educated myself a bit -yesterday- how my brain responds to easy entertainment and gaming. The fact that I have probably for years have made pathways in my brain that connect games and the 'novelty' of YT vids to rewards, something good, just is such a good reminder that I should have patience while the effects are diminishing. And it's a powerful reminder as why finishing 90 days of not reestablishing these pathways again is so important. It's silly, but right now abstaining from YT sounds like much more of a task then straying from games, especially since hubby blocked LoL and I feel like other games are 'not worthy' of relapsing on. (It's interesting how I find relapsing on LoL way more acceptable then relapsing on let's say, The Sims. I dunno what frayed logic this is, but it makes so much sense to me.) I guess that keeping a counter for YT/easy entertainment free would be a good idea. Right, made a counter for it. I need my brain to be unchained from all this shit.

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Posted

Yesterday turned into a pretty good day to my surprise. My productivity was average, my mood above average, energy slightly above average. I also prepared for today pretty well with some left over energy in the evening.

 

Today I had an appointment with the guy making the music for my project my music designer. We discussed some changes and I will send him my updated animation after I worked in the animation studio next week. He seems to be eager to also make the sound effects to go with the some of the movements, so that's a very pleasant extra. Talking with him made me motivated to make good images next week. I was nervous before meeting him, also because I had to take a new train route and I was unfamiliar with the city and the building. It went sort of smooth and the nervousness left while talking. In the midday I met with one of my graphic design tutors, which basically boiled down to 'good job, good plans, keep going'. And that's what I am going to do.

 

I noticed that halfway through the midday I was really tired of having people around me. Their conversations started to annoy me, I couldn't focus anymore. Right now I am chilling with the cat to rest a bit, tomorrow I will work from home. No need to get overwhelmed.

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Posted

I feel slow and unfocused today, however I am forcing myself to be as productive as I can. I have made sure that I have taken the steps I need, to do to at least do something; drink enough water, eat healthy, listen to happy energetic music, taking a walk. All this effort has resulted in 3,5 hours for my study today, so that's something. I still feel like I could fall asleep any moment now, so I might go for another walk soon.

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Mhyrion you have an excellent way of posting. Keep going, write everything down and use it to jumpstart your next activity. Did you go to church this easter weekend? 

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Mhyrion you have an excellent way of posting. Keep going, write everything down and use it to jumpstart your next activity. Did you go to church this easter weekend? 

Thank you! Yea we did! I don't value holidays that much, you know, everyday is a good day to celebrate Easter to me. :)

 

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The weekend with hubby was great, we had so much fun and quality time together. I am going to make more of these moments happen, it's good. I am super happy and feeling fulfilled right now. I am also pretty tired and I have a long week ahead of me. But I am going to kick ass.

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Posted

You are inspiring Mhyrion!

I am glad to hear you had a great weekend. The great thing about Easter weekend is the following week isn't as long - thats something to look forward to!

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You are inspiring Mhyrion!

I am glad to hear you had a great weekend. The great thing about Easter weekend is the following week isn't as long - thats something to look forward to!

Thanks! Also, by long week I meant I have a lot of things planned this week :)

 

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Today I am switching between super focus and complete distraction. Like I am working and making a lot of progress and the next moment I wonder how long I have stared at the clouds for.. I was planning on photographing today, but plans changed due to unforeseen circumstances and my own forgetfulness. So I prepared photographing as far as I could for tomorrow and then focused on other things, but my mind wasn't really set on doing these things today. I am bad at following through on plan changes. Just like I have trouble doing things not from A to Z. I can't hold on to that though. However, I feel very resilient today. Distractions and plan changes aside, I am working and I feel happy.

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Posted

You are inspiring Mhyrion!

I am glad to hear you had a great weekend. The great thing about Easter weekend is the following week isn't as long - thats something to look forward to!

 

Thanks! Also, by long week I meant I have a lot of things planned this week :)

 

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Today I am switching between super focus and complete distraction. Like I am working and making a lot of progress and the next moment I wonder how long I have stared at the clouds for.. I was planning on photographing today, but plans changed due to unforeseen circumstances and my own forgetfulness. So I prepared photographing as far as I could for tomorrow and then focused on other things, but my mind wasn't really set on doing these things today. I am bad at following through on plan changes. Just like I have trouble doing things not from A to Z. I can't hold on to that though. However, I feel very resilient today. Distractions and plan changes aside, I am working and I feel happy.

And feeling happy is all that counts :)

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Posted

Today was a slow day. I made progress, but not as much as I would've liked. I never really got into a nice flow of things. I didn't stop going though. I am however starting to feel really tired and it is starting to affect my mood too. I need to take a break tonight, but there's still many chores waiting for me. I guess they'll have to wait a little longer.

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Today was a slow day. I made progress, but not as much as I would've liked. I never really got into a nice flow of things. I didn't stop going though. I am however starting to feel really tired and it is starting to affect my mood too. I need to take a break tonight, but there's still many chores waiting for me. I guess they'll have to wait a little longer.

We are chore machines x_x

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Posted

Today was a slow day. I made progress, but not as much as I would've liked. I never really got into a nice flow of things. I didn't stop going though. I am however starting to feel really tired and it is starting to affect my mood too. I need to take a break tonight, but there's still many chores waiting for me. I guess they'll have to wait a little longer.

We are chore machines x_x

Need any extras? :D

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Posted

Today is 41th day game free, a new record. I thought of my fav game this week, but it wasn't a longing/nostalgic feeling. It felt more like a 'I used to wear these type of shirts. I still think they're kinda cool. This person who wears it is pretty rad. But they don't suit me anymore.' kinda feeling. It felt way more in control. I like being in control. (...) And then I got sick. In retrospect, I looked really terrible on Wednesday evening but I thought I was just really tired... Been sleeping a lot yesterday and today, haven't been able to do a thing. It feels like my brains are trying to escape my skull, among other painful things. Didn't even manage to do the dishes because it makes a lot of noise. I am also missing the party of a good friend tonight, I was really looking forward to that. Beh. Gladly, the cat has accompanied me these days and hubby has been sweet. I am also starting to regain some of my appetite, that's normally a good sign.

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Posted

Congrats on a new record Mhyrion! Very proud of you.

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Posted

Today is 41th day game free, a new record. I thought of my fav game this week, but it wasn't a longing/nostalgic feeling. It felt more like a 'I used to wear these type of shirts. I still think they're kinda cool. This person who wears it is pretty rad. But they don't suit me anymore.' kinda feeling. 

This; inspiring! 41 days is epic. Are you pushing for the 90 days?

I like your mindset of not suiting you anymore, that could be very useful to self-improvement!

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