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Koolman's journal

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Posted (edited)

Hey guys I want to do a journal for this process I think its important to keep track of how I feel about gaming in general. A bit about myself I am the type of guy who has quit gaming then came back then quit again then came back then now quit again. I feel a little trapped(I know that sounds desperate but my situation is less desperate then it sounds trust me)

As of today I am 73 days no gaming and still going by the way I am typing all of this on a gaming PC with steam installed(Ya I am literally staring into the eyes of the beast and saying IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!!) My games are still there I only uninstalled them but if I really wanted to I could download them again and play. I am afraid to sell this PC or get rid of it because like I said I have quit then come back then quit again. What if I want to come back and I got rid of my very expensive gaming PC this thing cost $1000 not a lot of people would tell me that its a smart idea to sell the thing. SO I am stuck at an impasse. What if I still want gaming later? or what if there is this new totally awesome super game? I Don't Know I am scared to be honest. But Like Cam says wait 90 days then decide if you still want gaming I am not 90 days yet so whatever I just have to wait and see.

 

Why do I want to quit well:/

I had a big problem with gaming. I would play till almost 2 maybe even 3 a.m starting from the morning at maybe 10:00 a.m maybe earlier. I would be motivated to wake up earlier for what well not work but for more time to game. I imagine my parents were disgustingly disappointed in me and I hated to disappoint them especially since they saw me quit then come back a few times as well. I literally sold my Xbox one a few months before I bought a gaming PC:/ before that I had other quit then come back history Its like I just cant be consistent even if I go 90 days so as you can understand I don't really want to sell this just in case that happens again. TO be fair I didn't know about GAME QUITTERS back then I don't think it was around so that's something new I have this time but I don't know if that will be it.

I remember just laying down on the floor being suicidal depressed probably(I was depressed that's for sure) I had quit gaming hadn't played in a while but finally I couldn't take it and downloaded steam again after almost a year of having it deleted.

1.SO I think I want a more controlled and organized life at least. If gaming is going to be there it cant get in the way of my obligations and other things.

2. Dopamine resensitivity: Well based on some of the science I heard about gaming can jack up dopamine levels in an unnatural way for doing nothing pretty much. This is not good because if dopamine levels are raised too high and stay that high for a long amount of time then that can mess up our sensitivity to dopamine. Basically Imagine if there was this bad smell in your house that you got used to. A normal person would notice the smell cause they aren't used to it but you cant cause you have been constantly exposed to that strong small for a long amount of time Hence your sensitivity to that smell has been lost.

So with dopamine because we are used too a constantly long dopamine hit through gaming our brains cant really sense other smaller versions of dopamine like looking at flowers and a nice sunset as someone who doesn't have their dopamine levels jacked up as a video game or even worse porn addict would. Having dopamine levels be at a good natural pace like past generations did would be a lot healthier and would also make living a normal life a lot more enjoyable.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/list-internet-video-game-brain-studies

the above link a source to some scientific studies on gaming's affects on the brain.

Those are my two reasons I may expand more soon but this is good enough for me as of right now.  

   

Edited by Koolman
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Posted

@Koolman Welcome.  I am checking out the link on dopamine.

I don't know why everyone keeps acting as though 90 days is the end of it.  90 days is the beginning.  It may be the end of detoxing our brains from overdose of dopamine I don't know.  But I know that when I belonged to AA they said don't try to start a relationship for a year.  Some advised five years.

It takes a while to put our lives back together.  Everything isn't hunky dory magically at the end of 90 days.  But it's a great place to start!

congratulationsClassic.thumb.png.5fb6afd

On 73 days ;) 

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Posted

Congrats on 73 days so far! That's awesome. Journaling will help a lot.

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Posted

Welcome in, Koolman!

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Posted

@Koolman How are you doing right now? Are you playing or not?

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@Koolman How are you doing right now? Are you playing or not?

Day 84

So there has been temptation to play I literally have steam installed and am journaling this on a gaming PC( wow talk about walking on a tight wire) but I don't want to go back until at least 90 days I am 6 days away. I also have been almost 2 months without youtube. YouTube watching was a big bad habit for me that was hard to brake. I'm glad though that I have gone this long without it. I don't think I want to sell my gaming PC cause This is not the first time I quit games then came back. If I come back I don't want to have to buy a whole other system I will already have one. Plus I think its a waste to just delete steam and sell my Pc that was 1000 dollars. Maybe I will change my mind on this.

Anyways I want to get the stuff I have to do done and I want to be a better person and hopefully improve myself bit by bit with all of this.

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Good job Koolman. It's not a waste to sell your PC just because you spent money on it. It was an investment you made that you enjoyed for a period of time but now you have different priorities. It's a waste of time to continue gaming - just to avoid "wasting" money you've spent - when you know it's not aligned with your goals in life. There's a term called the sunk cost fallacy if you're not familiar with it, check it out.

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Good job Koolman. It's not a waste to sell your PC just because you spent money on it. It was an investment you made that you enjoyed for a period of time but now you have different priorities. It's a waste of time to continue gaming - just to avoid "wasting" money you've spent - when you know it's not aligned with your goals in life. There's a term called the sunk cost fallacy if you're not familiar with it, check it out.

Thanks I decided to sell it the only issue is the issue I had at the beginning what do I do now i mean I am way passed 90 days like 140 something idk. But I'm not sure of what to do I don't have myself together I mean I have some purpose that religion gives me but still MAAN I feel like I can't even do that right or properly. I am trying to pull myself together and become a better man but i don't know. It feels like I will be the way I was before games the mayor of losersville, depressed, wanting something to do but with gaming gone nothing to do. 

I relapsed to YouTube couldn't go 90 days without it went like 70 something maybe less maybe more. Social media as well relapsed there. I am a mess probably the worst mess out there. I still have the urge to play games I just distract myself with internet use that's all. 

Wish everyone well. Hopefully I get better. I am at least happy that this time when I quit games I have GAME QUITTERS something I didn't have before. Which is awesome. I can write out how I feel if I feel like getting into games again etc.. honestly though this time I feel like quitting permanently. Like I haven't gone a year without gaming since I was I don't know maybe 5 probably a bit before that. Even when I did quit I never really had the intention I think to never play again. It was always for a short period of time the longest of which was like 9 months or a bit more. I always wanted to live in a similar fashion as I did then as a kid with my innocence and strength. Maybe this year I can go the whole year without it the 1st time in a LONG TIME. The issue is finding purpose in living again which will be kind of hard but I guess I can do that and it is definitely worth a try.

 

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Good job Koolman. It's not a waste to sell your PC just because you spent money on it. It was an investment you made that you enjoyed for a period of time but now you have different priorities. It's a waste of time to continue gaming - just to avoid "wasting" money you've spent - when you know it's not aligned with your goals in life. There's a term called the sunk cost fallacy if you're not familiar with it, check it out.

Thanks I decided to sell it the only issue is the issue I had at the beginning what do I do now i mean I am way passed 90 days like 140 something idk. But I'm not sure of what to do I don't have myself together I mean I have some purpose that religion gives me but still MAAN I feel like I can't even do that right or properly. I am trying to pull myself together and become a better man but i don't know. It feels like I will be the way I was before games the mayor of losersville, depressed, wanting something to do but with gaming gone nothing to do. 

I relapsed to YouTube couldn't go 90 days without it went like 70 something maybe less maybe more. Social media as well relapsed there. I am a mess probably the worst mess out there. I still have the urge to play games I just distract myself with internet use that's all. 

Wish everyone well. Hopefully I get better. I am at least happy that this time when I quit games I have GAME QUITTERS something I didn't have before. Which is awesome. I can write out how I feel if I feel like getting into games again etc.. honestly though this time I feel like quitting permanently. Like I haven't gone a year without gaming since I was I don't know maybe 5 probably a bit before that. Even when I did quit I never really had the intention I think to never play again. It was always for a short period of time the longest of which was like 9 months or a bit more. I always wanted to live in a similar fashion as I did then as a kid with my innocence and strength. Maybe this year I can go the whole year without it the 1st time in a LONG TIME. The issue is finding purpose in living again which will be kind of hard but I guess I can do that and it is definitely worth a try.

I would suggest setting goals and surrounding yourself by a group of people who can support you with that on a more regular basis. Obviously the forum can help you with that, but having even more accountability will make a big difference. Without goals you lack focus and direction, and without those it's hard to find motivation, or a reason why you should even pursue a life beyond gaming in the first place. So I would definitely start there. What are 1-3 goals you have in the next 3 months. Not watching YouTube is cool... but then what? What do you want to do with that time instead? So those are some ideas you can implement.

I'm launching a mastermind group soon that will meet on a weekly basis to talk about our goals and challenges to support each other to succeed in them. If you're interested in that, apply here. No pressure or anything, just an idea if that's something you resonate with. 

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Posted (edited)

I wrote a poem here about why I want to quit

everytime i gamed I wasted time in the real world 

everytime i gamed I would rush my life 

everytime i gamed I would try to do my chores and things fast

never really took the time to look at my past

always rushing everything like my games wouldn't last

those stupid games made me lose potential which was vast

my family and friends didn't see much of me

i would rush all the time that could of been quality 

from my dear loved ones and my dear family

i would quickly eat  my food  then play call of duty

then I slowly realized this is not what I want to be

i have to do better for me

this stuff hurts your eyes it doesn't help you see

see im wasting your time not reaching my aims

i don't want to go to gamestop and buy games

wasting my time and forgetting all the people's names. 

Wanting to play games so I'm  rushing my Son James

this is lame!

i could be doing something else and reaching fame.

investing in talent or maybe quality time

with my family and friends or making this rhyme 

working harder at work turning my nickle into a dime

maybe I'm lonely I'm a lonely lemon maybe I should find a lime

but wasting all this time is a crime.

it hurts my brain  my whole system is affected

im sitting down and my body is being neglected

its no wonder I get rejected 

thats why I need to quit this with some time invested 

don't tell me it's just hobby! You just need some control 

no it isn't cause I want to reach my potential 

i have to quit and go through the struggle 

its hard but it's how people before me lived

they didn't have video games like I did

they struggled and workedand did great things

thats why when I play those games  my heart stings

cause I'm not living the way they used to like kings

reaching their goals and flying with wings

this is what I always wanted

Now that I know about game quitters i think I got it

It helped me see I'm not alone and I can get guidance 

i don't have to be by myself and do pure self reliance 

no more not being with people and living in silence

living In pure isolation and no real human connection

laughing over the mic and they won't even mention

that they are wasting time and not paying attention

to all the other creative things they could be doing 

with their time and and that they can be moving

helping each other reach their goals

making real connections and not empty holes

holes of sitting and doing nothing cause none of its real

no real things being done what's the big deal?

they can go out somewhere and go have a meal

at least here they can talk and see each other's zeal

socialize and realize and see how they feel

they might say though what's the big deal?

its just a few hours of our life?

nobody's gonna steal 

the problem is you could have a wife

a family and why fill it with strife

wasting time like cutting it with a knife.

but your right it's your life but the best for you is to live

live in reality and give!

there is so much you could do and help out with too 

find some people to serve something good to do

if your lucky it will help you grow some nerve 

you can turn around now and make that curve

thats what I'm going to do and live differently now

you don't think it can be done I'll show you how!

so today I change 

my life I rearrange 

I'll  try this again I won't stay trapped in a cage 

inside is filled with rage 

but I'll fix that it's time to engage

i want to finally be a real man I'm  at that age. 

So I want to thank cam for inspiring this stage

if it wasn't for his work  I would be stuck in games being a mage 

In some dumb game maybe a sage

but I'm not I have been inspired 

thanks cam don't you dare retire!

there is passion in this there is fire

there is a lot of potential in this and the need is dire

and now Change is what I desire

lets start now and make our future brighter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Koolman
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Posted (edited)

I was going to play video games yesterday but then I remembered this forum and the commitment I made. I decided to wait and now I don't feel the need to play as much. Most video games are about killing anyways which gets boring. 

I have made a YouTube channel and have been getting involved with it. It has brought a lot of passion into my life. I want to improve myself in other ways too. 

So I am still on my streak which at this point is 7 months. It's a good thing I uninstalled my games before setting off on this journey otherwise I would have broke this streak. My highest streak since I was a kid(maybe 7 years old) without games is 9 months. I don't think that has a healthy influence on the brain maybe. Just my opinion.

Edited by Koolman

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