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Ahhh Relapse

15 posts in this topic

Posted

Haha...ahh...I told myself I would never ever be prone to relapsing since I thought that I had my head straight. I guess not. I got sucked back into playing league of legends, black ops 2 and a bunch of other games. I stopped drawing altogether because I felt that what's the point in trying to teach myself to draw when it just takes too long. Becoming an entrepreneur seems far away for me to ever achieve. Trying to balance playing video games with my life seems hopeless so thats why I just relapsed. In 2 weeks my son will be born. I thought about that and how playing video games will affect my interaction with him. Will I forget to feed him? Will I get frustrated when he starts crying and interrupts my gaming session? So many questions that I have on my mind that I just end up putting in the back of my mind because I felt that it won't affect me or him at all. I also stopped planning out my day because there was literally nothing for me to do to fill out my day. I mean, I'm a stay at home mom with a second child on the way, who also lives at home with her parents and husband. What can I do? I don't even have a license, lol. 

I've lost sleep playing video games. I thought at the time when I relapsed that playing would help me become more creative because it would help me get ideas if I played. Totally and utterly wrong. I have not once thought of anything creative, except for the games I see in front of me that are already have been created. No ideas have come into my head, just nothing. I sent in a ticket to Riot to delete my league of legends account and they gave the option of either deactivating or deleting. I haven't decided yet because I don't know what would happen to me if I ended up deleting my account. All I know is that the progress I made 2 weeks ago at the time is just gone. Now I have to start all over again. I hate this, I hate myself and the negativity I put myself through on a constantly basis. This is just a vicious cycle. Something that the majority of us get ourselves into and can't get out of. I can't think of anyone younger or around my age that doesn't play video games. Except for Cam and the others that are a part of this community at Game Quitters. 

I'm lost in my own head.

(Sorry for the rambling)

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Posted

Welcome back and gj on deleting that LoL account. Giving away my own was the first step to a game free live (even if there were a lot of roadbumbs along the way).

Don't hate yourself for relapsing. This is normal and most of us go through it. You are just a weak human like all of us. Basically 50+% of all people here did relapse at some point. It can be really helpful because it gives you the experience that all the things you feared gaming would do to you are actually true and not just imagination. Basically it tells you that your not crazy for stopping to game, but that gaming has actually a bad influence on you. Also it give you the possibility to see what you can do better next time. Two points i read out of your post:

First your planning of the day doesn't work because you need to be flexible with your pregnancy and your child. I would advice you to try with humble everyday goals.. For example draw for at least for 5min everyday. Everything else is optional but you have to do this one thing. The beauty of this approach is that you are always able to do at least 5min but most of the time you will do more drawing. If not that is ok also. It seems irrelevant but it will add up. A nice book about this is "The slight edge". If your not into reading that would be one activity which is really worth your time. Just make the same approach. Read 5pages every day. Or one page. Just do it consistently that is the key. And I am talking about non fiction books. Not about internet articles ;).

Secondly your missing self worth and fear of reaching nothing. This is also pretty common. Again I would advice you to read the slight edge. The principle behind it( do the little things consistently) is just true and helped me a lot with my perspective on life. Sometimes it isn't even the point to reach your set goals( like becoming a grafic designer or artist). You learn so much along the way and do things you enjoy. If in the worst case you just learn to draw awesomely and have more time for your kids. This alone would be worth not wasting your time in a negative environment like online gaming! And this doesn't mean that you can't reach all your goals in time. Trust me if you are able to do improve for just a little bit everyday you will be at a whole other point in 3months. Check out the other journals of these who made the detox. Look at Hitaru. He was in a depressive downward spiral of self hate and depression. And look at his posts lately.

You can have the same progress. You can feel better.You were great to stop this for two weeks with a  gaming spouse at home, a kid and all these hormons going through your body at this time. Don't be mean to yourself. Try to think of yourself like you would think of a person you love. Your best friend maybe. You wouldn't be so mean to her/him if he struggles. You are worth to be your own best friend.

 

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Posted

Welcome back and gj on deleting that LoL account.

 

 

I haven't made a decision to delete yet. I never told the admin anything. I'm hesitating :/

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Posted

IF my experience counts anything delete it. It is just holding you back.

 

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Posted (edited)

Burn these briges once and for all. I don't know how many hours I wasted on the game and I didn't regretted to have given ym accoutn away at any time.

 

Edited by WorkInProgress
I know it is hard but it is worth it. After I did delete LoL I played other games for around a year but noone not even Dota2 came even close to the destructive potential of Lol. all this engativity and this crazy addictiong achievement system.

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Posted

and I was playing video games for two weeks straight, until an hour or so ago. I think I'll cry when I tell them to delete it.

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Posted

Aannnnnd I told them to delete it. I feel like I'm going to regret this.

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Posted

Then cry. That is ok. It doesn't have to be easy to be the right thing. In fact it isn't easy most of the time.  It is your decision.

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Posted

It urges me to push you more because I know what it meant to my life to delete it but it is your decision.

 

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Posted

I felt so bad all the time as I played around 8hours of Lol every day while my wife was working. I was dissappointed in myself. I knew I let down the persons I love because I was jsut to weak to stop. As I managed jsut too stop Playing LoL it started a progress which got me here. I have actually self confidence again. I have a way better relationsship to my wife. I am found a path in my life I want to pursue. I feel ready to be a father. All this things would never happened if I didn't give away my LoL account. The potential in your life is so great thats why I really hope that you make it. I think this is also the reason why we all are so engaged on your journal. But that isn't important. It is important is what you want. Make the right decision but think about my arguments and the experiences all of us had while we quit gaming.

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Posted

I thought about my two kids and how it will affect them in the long run. How it will look when my newborn baby is crying while I'm playing LoL and I get frustrated. It doesn't look good at all. Every aspect of my life hasn't been enriched by anything. I never started anything and then finished. I don't feel accomplished. It's a truly shitty feeling.

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Posted

I felt the same way. How lying and wasting my time would influence my life. How Being irritated after a gaming day with my wife and being mean without intending it, would destroy my relationship in the long run. How I hated to spent time with my family sometimes because it hindered me of gaming. How all ym friends where more sucessful than I was beacuse they got theri life going. How could I ever be a father to a child if I couldn't even manage my own life? Trust me I felt shitty a lot. But it made me able to change and I am grateful in a way for these times of self doubt because of it. Some time it needs you to feel shitty to make a change. One decision at a time,

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Posted

Hey, just chiming in here. I was reading the OP. Why not try other activities other than drawing? It sounds like you may not be too excited about that. Why not try walking outside for 10 minutes? 

very aspect of my life hasn't been enriched by anything. I never started anything and then finished. I don't feel accomplished. It's a truly shitty feeling.

I know that feeling well. I look around me, and my peers have done things I haven't. I feel like I'm behind them in a lot of ways. I haven't dated since high-school, and don't have more than 3-4 close friends. I haven't been invited to weddings, other than my own sister's. Stuff like that.

We all have things we're not too happy about. And in our darkest moments, they seem to be so real and like they are an inseparable flaw of ours. 

I have also quit half-way on a lot of things, just like you. And the more I quit on things, the more I hate myself.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is don't quit. Don't convince yourself "what's the point". I've done that many times. There is a point. This is important. This matters. You quitting MATTERS. And obviously, you know that. 

In my opinion, and correct me if I'm wrong... It just sounds like you haven't found the right replacement activities. Because you think what's the point in drawing. I would think the same thing. So try something beneficial, like taking your kid out for a walk with you - even if it's just for a few minutes outside. 

I personally don't have a kid myself. And you are probably older than me. So be proud of those things. Having the kid especially. Having found someone to be with. Having a FAMILY. That is commendable to me. Not everyone has one. And I think it's a beautiful thing that you are fighting for a better life. Keep fighting. 

If you're looking for something, and still haven't found those emotions/gratifications outside of gaming, keep looking. Find it. I'm personally honored to be in the same boat with you, because in some ways you have done more than a lot of people. 

It's that little voice inside that beats us all up. I'm learning how to deal with it too. At times it feels like that voice is telling the truth, other times I have a higher voice that tells me other wise. I wish I had a for sure way to deal with it, but I'm not too sure. I've been looking through self-help books for advice, so maybe try that. 

 

Best wishes, 

 

T
 

 

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Posted

Delete your account or give it away to a friend. And as for the achievement part, there is a proverb in Chinese that says "if you keep comparing yourself to others, you will literally frustrate yourself to death." How about setting goals for yourself, and "compete" with yourself, ie. improving day by day? Learn a new instrument or language(great tutorials online if you search a bit, and for free)? Do something special for your parents/husband? Or even spending time enriching yourself, reading a book, getting a new look, joining a gym(after the baby ofc)?

I think you will be a great mother because you expressed your worries about not being able to take care of them - irresponsible mothers wouldn't even bother!

It's okay to have relapses(I'm not suggesting that you should), and it's nothing to hate yourself over about, you have already improved tremendously by not playing the game for a long(or even a while) and joining this forum. We were or are in similar situations and we are here for u <3 

 

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Posted

Thanks everyone for sharing your great perspectives! You've got this @Ashley K.!

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