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Stercus accidit's Journal - 90 days detox completed :D

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Posted (edited)

Day 1 

Today is another day when I said "stop" to myself.

Is it  different  Maybe... I feel different about this time. I dont know why. 

Today is one of my best friend's birthday. He turned 19. That means he is one year older than 18. 

This sample thought came first to my mind after I woke up. That simple that stunned me for next hour. We are slowly growing up. I am growing up. I dont think so, but I really want if. And maybe nothing would brake in me today if I my second thought of the day wasn't this "if its 10:30am my favourite streamer ended his stream. Damn it I missed it." 

After those 2 first thoughts that happend almost at the same time there was the third one "I dont want to think like this after I grow up". This is the first time in my life when I thought about my oldest friends:  computer games. 

Maybe I should open this website game quitters which I found 2 days ago? I said to myself. i ended up opening it. I read it. I found 90 days detox challege. 

I decided to try. I fullfilled a survey I followed the steps. I opened this forum and I was scared because for the first time I want to speak about my weaknesses with a bunch of stranegers on a forum. I will tell them about me I will show them how vurnerble am I to everything. Because some part of me wants to do that. The same part is so ashamed of my life and what I did, how I behaved that dont want to talk with my parents that are on the other side of our apartment. And yet this part makes me express myself in the language that I was made to learn by them. Without their sacrifice I wouldnt know any single word in English. 

Its hard for me to create my goals right now. 

But (I actually just slept for 2 hours while writing it.) I can see alot what I can change, what I do wrong, what I can ask you guys. 

At this time I have two ways of thinking about what I decided to change today: first is feeling helpless, being left alone with no clue how to start, in that state of mind I asked for a partner for my 90 days detox/ second one is more resonable yet weaker than the first one - I feel lost and helpless everytime I try to brake out from my comfort zone (which is deeply rooted) I can say that I lived in my comfort żonę for a few years and still somewhere Deep inside me  it is the most uncomfortable thing.

I will try to define my comfort zone in my first days of detox - that's my first goal 

I tried to pretend like I didn't know what can I do today.  But I know what i should do every single day.  I should clean my room. I should get ridi of that mess on my desk. I should do my homework. All those things are out of my comfort zone if dont more than one a week. Today I just tried to do that: 

- I opened my notebook, tried to concentrate, tried to came up with new story ending for my language class. I closed my notebook and i didn't write anything.

- I washed my bedding today. I finally did it after a couple of months. There are still papers all over my floor and a mess on my table but I did something.

- iTried to study to study chemistry. Small explantion here. I am thanks to my mom very good student. I know more  from chemistry than normal students in high school. I have my.own books for college students for chemistry but for 2 years I didn't go through more than first two chapters Of each one of them. Today as usual I opened one read 2 pages and closed the book. 

- Today I spent 5 hours staring at my switched off laptop fighting with myself to not turned it on. I didn't. 

 

I cant think about a lot of goals now. 

 I want to again start studying chemia as I did. 

- I want to learn how to do homework everyday afterschool. The way my mom tried to teach me.

- I want to work on habbit of keeping my room and desk clean. 

- I want to work on my english( I would aprieciate your help - any mistake that you can find tell me about iit please)

- I want to wake up and not feel helpless. I want to feel strong. I want to have my goals in my life.which are difluent then being benter at computer games.

- I wish I wuld want to talk with my parento but first I have to prove to myself that I am able to keep my new me alive more than two days

- I want write my Journal every day ( funny thing my mm was a first persongs who told me to do so - she told me to do that when I was in primary schoolto help me with my writting still in my language - moms always know what is the Best for you) 

- I want to fight with my axiety of what others think about me( I was builed for 8 years of school- I am completly fine with that, but I hate the anxiety that was left after all of that.) I am so afraid that if I go somewhere to try a new things that ppl will laugh that I cant do that. That makes me not trying anything knew I have always chosen to play computer games instead. 

- I want to learn how to control my anger and other emotions. 

i think thats all for now.I will come back to sleep and wake up feeling  and try to clean my room. What do you think about it? Have a nice  Day everyone :)

I noticed a lot of bugs while writing two posts today on my phone. They are connection with using backspace - forexampe - that is what happend from time to time after I used backspace the oryginał text was - for example - I used backspace on the end of the word example which made those two words look like this -forexampe. 

Ok I really have to go to sleep. 

Edited by Stercus accidit
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Posted

Hi and welcome to he forum!

It is normal that it feels awkward at first and I am no stranger of the anxiety and fear of failing. Remember that every journey starts with a first step. You found some important reasons why you want to stop gaming. To face reality instead of hiding from it into games. Becoming a men who faces his problems instead of a boy who hides behind comfortable habits to evade them. This is scary but very worthwhile. Later in your journey you will ask yourself why you wanted to stop gaming. Why did  commit to a detox? If this is the case go back in your journal and read the reasons.

At first it can be hard to focus on something difficult and uncomfortable. But if you just try every day you will fail less often. With every failure you learn something new and it won't take long until you become the person you want to be. Here are many people with similar problems and I would advice you to just read some journals of other gamequitters and check out their experiences.

I would advice you to delete all your games on your laptop and make a barrier as long as you are motivated. Delete your google and youtube history so you don't get gaming videos recommended all the time.

We are all here to support you and I can just say that journalling( even if it was uncomfortable at the start) and finishing the detox was one of the most rewarding things I did for myself in a long time

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Posted (edited)

Day 2

I guess I did something today. I can say that my room is "clean now. I got rid of all the unimportant papers on my floor. I segregated them. For every subject that I consider important at this time. I moved my laptop It no longer claims the middle position of my desk it is on the side of it. I would like to move it somewhere else but it is to complicated.
I have projects to do I need to use dictionary all the time I am studying although I dont study much. So maybe I dont need it on my desk. What so you think about it?

I uninstalled all games on my laptop. i created new youtube account where there is no content about games.

I bought myself ice cream today but I didnt eat them immediately I I ate 2 cups today. One after I cleaned my room and another one after I read one chapter of a book "The Iron KIng" in english. It is kind of funny because in a middle school (3 years) I read over 250 books in total. I read everything what I could and when I was't reading  I was playing video games I was usually studying during the night- it somehow worked - not really.

I am really happy about one thing. today I made myself a few sandwiches. What's special about it? I dont remember when I ate any sandwich. I considered making them as a waste of time. Usually I ate some yogurts in front of the laptop and leave it empty on my desk. I always took me a couple of days to throw it to the garbage can....

There is one that I am truly upset about. I did a laundry a week ago I think. Some of my clothes where still wet and I didnt do anything about it, even today. I opened a wardrobe but told myself that It can w8. I think it waited long enough to do it tomorrow. 

I am slowly working on my schedule. I downloaded 2 apps on my phone one for a daily schedule another for setting up goals and keeping track of them.

I had one time when I wanted to play games. It came right after first time of the day day when I felt a little bit bored. I felt that I had to do something so I got up and did push ups until I was tired and couldn't think of anything other than getting some rest.

I think I have a way to reward myself for the next couple of weeks. I really want to eat sushi. So I am gonna buy sushi every time I will achieve 5-10 goals depends how big they are. 

I would love to talk about my ideas, but I would prefer to first at least start doing them before describing them. Or maybe I should actually write them here. I wrote them in my notes. I think I should tell about the most important ones. To not just tell myself tomorrow that I am not gonna do it.

Ok so:

- I want to read at least one chapter of the book "The Iron King: every day

- I want to go ride my bike every day after school. Mainly to refresh myself and get some rest after 8 hours of sittung in a school.

- I am gonna do my all  homework (even the most boringone) before anything else, if it is possible.

- I am gonna note every new word that I heard or found in english in my notebook that I started today.

- I have to put a wax on my snowboard (I should have done it 3 months ago)

- every day I am gonna study chemistry and math but not for school for myself I am gonna go over new topics on my level not a school one(American high school is usually like a middle school for me- I dont want to show off it is just the fact that let me have more time for video games since I didnt have to study)

I guess this is everything for today. I am happy that I survived my second day of the detox. I know that tomorrow Its going to be harder but I have you guys. thank you for your likes and response it helps me rebuild the part of myself that decayed over last years.

Edit: There is one more thing. I will never ever agiain say If I was good or bad at computer games, how high I was on ladder, what was my highest rank and on what difficulty I was playing a game. 
It used to matter a lot for me, but I will never think like that again.
 

Edited by Stercus accidit
My last final thought before I fall aseep
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Posted

Good job on fighting the urge. I know that this can be rough at first.

You have a lot of good ideas. It is often hard to do a lot at once  and to build a new habit with daily actions takes atleast 2-4weeks. So be sure not to beat you up if you don't manage everything. See it as a big experiment. What works and gives you something stays in, what is too hard or doesn't work flies out of the schedule.

Every day not gaming is a win. Appreciate yourself for your accomplishment. Cleaning up your desk is a nice start!

I wouldn't put your pc away if you can use it for studying. But it is a personal decision. If it creates urge it may be worthwhile to move it.

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I have both a laptop and an old PC, and I do not keep the laptop on my desk (where it is placed when I work on it, I love having it in my room as can concentrate better here as it is much quieter), when I am done with whatever I was using the laptop for, I turn it off completely (not into a sleep mode), unplug and put it in my bookcase, there to sit until it is needed again. The laptop on the desk is very cumbersome as it takes up most of the desk ( I don't know how much space is left on your desk with the laptop on it), and so when I read or write (my university days are over, so no studying in a "school" sense with homework and stuff, of course everyone should be a lifelong learner, especially writers) I like to have the laptop away, it definitely helps to focus. And I am more creative away from the computer. If you need dictionaries, maybe you could use a smartphone? definitely smaller than a notebook. What about traditional dictionaries on paper? For concentrated learning, I definitely recommend being as far away from computers as possible. If you have notes on your computer which can be printed, print them out and study from "hard copies". Research has shown that learning from paper is much more effective than from computer screen. Good luck with your studies :) You can always write me a pm in Polish if you want, I am currently rather busy but I would try to help you.

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Great job getting your journal up! I'll be following it.

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Posted (edited)

Thank you all for every advice

Day 3

Morning: Instead of switch on my laptop as a first activity of a day I opened a book. Epic win!!!!
I read only one chapter but I felt a small curiosity going through my mind what will happened next.  The small though I didnt make me read more. 

Midday:
I have an idea. I am gonna make myself instructions how to do a certain activity. Not every one of course. I want to have a way how do I study each subject.
Today I will write instructions/plan for studying chemistry. I think I have to do it first because it is one of my biggest advantages which survived  the hardest years. 
the instructions/plan are going to be about:
things that I really need on my desk
things that are not allowed at all.
How long I am gonna study a material and how often I am gonna give myself a treat for sticking to a plan.

Afternoon:
I realized it long time ago, but it seems like every time I write anything here I feel obligated to go on with my resolutions and thoughts.
I feel overwhelmed. It is not the first time I tried to quit games. It is not the first time I feel overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed because there is so many things I left to be done at the last second. I also feel responsible for being systematic and consistent. I am scared of any fail that is coming. This makes me numb. I want to escape, but I dont have video games anymore. I decided to write a part of my journal. I watched some youtube videos - Tedx talks; Cam's videos and my favourite polish youtuber. If you are looking for a good travel guide about Japan and more specific Tokyo definitely check him out: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheUwagaPies
Usually at this point I was coming back to gaming. I managed to fix a bit my next day's situation in the  school. I felt "pride of an accomplishment" and I used to reward myself by playing and eventually coming back to the situation from a few days ago.

I feel like the instructions are going to help me a lot. I should try to finish them now.

Well I completely forgot to submit my day 3 post It is unfinished but I will definitely uncover what was happening in my mind
I am going to analyze my thoughts from day 3 in my day 4 post.I dont know If I want to write it today or maybe tomorrow in the morning (definitely want to try that one)

Edited by Stercus accidit
some minor mistakes in the text
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Posted (edited)

Day 4 

I am not proud of myself I did nothing special.

I am tried. Since the first day I struggle to fall asleep. Hot and humid days make it even worse. 

I didn't achieve anything today. I am struggling to make myself in to the book. I have to admit it is quite funny. I couldn’t find any energy to study chemistry efficiently. 

I feel like like numbness and feel of not able to do anything makes me more more "depressed" I am slowly getting rid of exitment from my "waking up".

I can also blaim the lack of sleep. I am goning to bed earlier tonight. 

I decided that I am gonna put laptop away when I dont need it. 

I know how should my desk look like when I study chemistry and other stuff first r school. Also I will print a book that I am using for studying physical chemistry.

I also have to fight with my fast giving up attitude. I come from the earliest years of school when I was getting good grades by studying but without any problem with understanding. From that I developed another attitiude. If am not the best in smth form the start I stop trying. I expect immidiet results without putting much effort. Eh 

What about games?

2 things. Something inside me started to repeat "it is ok. It is just a longer brake. You will come back after those 90 days."

I have no idea how to comment that.

The second one. I dont feel any urge to play games, but I want to spend more time on the internet. Caught myself today on goning through YouTube videos about everything. There was some type of rwt i guess. I didn't Watch anything about games though. I dont know if being exhausted is an excuse but after 2 hours I had slightly more energy. Still couldn’t make myself study.

Sports:

Maybe lack of energy maybe not. 2 days in a row I didn't go out just for a walk or to ride a bike. 

I hate that. I know what should I do. Study, do sports, make yourself a food.  ( mom always repeats it - It always annoyed me)

I want to try something. Maybe waking up earlier and going to sleep earlier will help.

I am sorry for my mistakes but (this time resonable excuse) I write my phone and checking  everything is very slow and there are some bugs in the text editor, connected with backspaceon, on phone. I just dont want to fight with it all the time.

I should find an hour in my schedule for self-improvement. I should read more post on the forum not random videos on YouTube.

Maybe I am rushing with to many things at once. I dont know. Ok I am going to bed.

Edited by Stercus accidit
Ups posted accidently
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Every day not gaming is a win. Appreciate yourself for your accomplishment.

I'm just going to leave this here. You can be proud of yourself for this!

If sleep is a problem, I'd strongly recommend exercise of any description.

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Day 4.5

I had a small talk with my dad. Told him that I am reading a book in english. During that talk I realized one major thing. I dont have so much fun from reading a great book because I dont understand every word. That means I have to look up in dictionary for it and there is to many of them. 

I will propably read every chapter twice. First time for fun second time as a task which is going to help me with my english skills.

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Great job posting here, although it can feel like you aren't making a lot of progress sometimes trust me you are! Keep reading good books and they will compound over time. 

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Day 5

What a good start of the day :)
5:30 am - I woke up and read another chapter of a book. I am really happy about it

6:10 am I switched my laptop on. I am going to study physical chemistry. I am also really scared about it since I use the laptop so early in the morning .I think I should prit the book out as fst as possible.

6:25 am - maybe I should go and buy a milk. I had this idea in my head since I woke up.

6:55 am I did it! Now I can enjoy eating cereal :D .

I am after school I need to get some rest. My resting time prolonged a bit. I woke up at  8:30 pm. Well... that wasn't expected.

Bad last hours of the day:

I finally started to respond to emails about my summer camp stuff job. It is not a problem for them, but I am messing uo with my dad's work day plan a lot! I feel very guilty. however I am thankful that this is not my mom.... Nobody raised a voice on me because of my big mistake, I feel guilty. This is still better than angry mom. The problem is I have her angry face in occupying my mind at this moment. It is uncomfortable. I am actually stressed because in situation like that there would already be a huge argument when I would be trying to defend my person from hearing how bad I am, with words that are not worth repeating.
I cant blame my mom, she had been taking care of me, in Poland, for 16 by her own. You would just lose your mind with a boy who is irresponsible all his life.

I hate that face. She is so furious, she almost look like a mad person. I wrote that I want to accept who I was. but at this moment I feel like I am in the middle of an argument. everything turned out ok with my father's work plan but..... I just cant accept this part of my past. I could talk about my arguments with mom for hours. More I think about it I more I want to cry. there are already tears in my eyes. i

Writing this down helped a little. the memories are still rushing through my mind. Every time I get a bad grade, I make a major mistake in my life, I have only one thought: "God please don't let my mom hear about it."

I am done for today. I feel depressed. I would love to talk with my mom normally about everything, but there is big impairment in my mind. I hate talking about my school, friends, things that I want to try. I feel like she will be disappointed. I could have done so many things.
 

I don't think I ever told anybody that much. Maybe I mentioned some things. oh wait there is actually a person that knows that. I can trust him in 100% - just a brief description- he was addicted to video games, he overcome the addiction, now he is a priest and still play games :D 
Maybe I will tell how I met him and why I even talked with him about it. I am not sure I when but i will.

Did I mentioned that I am emotional person. Of course I didn't because I am ashamed of it.

P.S.
I know that my journal is chaotic as hell. However I want to keep it like that since I slowly uncover myself. Those are my true thoughts written down under emotions that I experience at this moment.

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P.S.
I know that my journal is chaotic as hell. However I want to keep it like that since I slowly uncover myself. Those are my true thoughts written down under emotions that I experience at this moment.

Enjoy reading it!

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Posted (edited)

Day 6 
 

Is that really day 6?

Well it is. WOW! Sixth day. Last time I "survived" without video games 6 days (maybe 7) was in primary school. I remember that thought: "Ok. Mom is mad. I am not gonna ask if I can play games for the next week. I can do that. She will also forget that she said I cant play games for the next month" Of course she didnt forget, but she always (in primary school) didnt have a big problem with me playing games after a while of having suppression. 

I happy about my 6th day, but still I didnt find an energy? for make myself start studying. 
 it is 9 pm and I know that I am not gonna study today. However I am gonna do smth to make studying more comfortable next day. What is gonna be? I want to write what I think as I have been doing that for 6 days now.

Short thought: at the time when you will see my journal to be less chaotic it will mean that I slowly take control of what I do and have a power to fight with my comfort zone (which is deeply rooted in the innate slothness of me. I have no idea if that makes any sense but for me does. :D

I have never realized that!!!!! until yesterday's night. (this made me think: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MBaFL7sCb8 )
My whole life I was looking for a passion, in every thing I have done. The problem was with my personality, the only way to made me being passionate about anything was to make me the best one immediately. Impossible ¬¬. Unfortunate though :P

Now in the my newest opinion before a passion, first has to come hard work, sacrifice and success. You cant find the passion, laying on the ground, but you can develope, grow your passion to anythning. Isn't that a way video games works? By all those levels, ranks and achievements? If it is true was that a reason I gave so much time to be better at them?

I have always been happy about learning new things during a lesson (in any science subject - does not apply to history lessons:P). I was so happy, when I was able to solve the hardest problem. But between solving it and a first lesson I usually lacked of the passion or the interest. I can see it clearly now. In all those years, of inner fight with my weaknesses, I had never seen that I lack of passion. There was only a desire: to be the best. But desire and passion are 2 completely different things.
There could not be any interest when my desires created a line of self-accomplishment as high as it was possible. Who would be interested in thing that seemed to be impossible from the start as a child or a teenager.
Although I have never had a problem with other people being better than me, I had a problem with achieving less than I desired and expected.

Last thought of the day:

I have to finally start to respect my day plan and my goals. I really need a good arrangement. I have been fooling around. My goal is to work hard and develope my passions.
I want to aavoid situations when I make a big fail as I did yesterday. I know that whatever happened it was meant to be like that and it sculpted me, I dont want to change past I want to finish a sculpture because it needs a lot of work to become perfect.

Edited by Stercus accidit
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Focus on the START of your day the most. What's your morning routine going to be? That's the foundation of your day!

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