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Girlfriend

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Posted

Ever since I was, like, ten (lol), I've wanted a girlfriend. Unfortunately, I'm not so hot with the ladies, plus I'm too intimidated by them to talk to them. I've only ever initiated a conversation with any girl twice, and the second time was a total disaster (in my opinion, and plenty of others, I imagine). People make fun of me cause I get no girls, which for the most part, is true. Tips? Advice?

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Posted

@TyroneAByrne

Thanks for the advice. I mean, as a teen, I guess I'm bound to have romantic desires, and a lot of them. Of course, I can't fulfill them just yet because I'm not even in high school yet, let alone the legal age of marriage... and with marriage... ;)

My real problem really is talking to girls in the first place. I'm so intimidated by them. Hell, at one point, I thought I was scared of them. I guess it has something to do with a fear of rejection, or low self-esteem, or a combination of both... But I suppose that will get better over time as I adopt new hobbies and gain confidence in myself.

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Posted

My biggest piece of advice is this:

Try to become their Friend instead of their boyfriend. When you try to become their friend, it takes the pressure of rejection away and if they say sorry im not interested in you then yo say well that good, I only wanted to become friends.

They will be shocked and say oh...ok then. lol

I grew up with more girl's as friends than I did having boy's as friends. When you become friends with them, they feel more confident around you and vice versa. Forget about the friend-zone because its a load of rubbish in my eyes.

When you have one or two friends that are girls, you can then confide in them to help you get another girl. Just don't be a douche, but also don't be too clingy. Find the happy medium.

All the best. :)

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Posted

Thanks for the advice guys. I guess my real issue is going up to them. In my opinion, I'm not that interesting a person, so what would I talk about? I don't have interesting stories, I don't do anything out of the ordinary, so where does that leave me? Even if I can muster the courage to talk to them (which I suppose I have already), what would I talk about? That's my real problem.

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Posted

Thanks for the advice guys. I guess my real issue is going up to them. In my opinion, I'm not that interesting a person, so what would I talk about? I don't have interesting stories, I don't do anything out of the ordinary, so where does that leave me? Even if I can muster the courage to talk to them (which I suppose I have already), what would I talk about? That's my real problem.

The trick is to ask them questions and to listen. Listen well and then after they start a subject, you can say oh that's cool! I've done that too, or I would love to that!

When the conversation goes quiet, that's when you ask another question or if you are pretty far into the date, excursion or hang out you can provide a statement such as:

  • Wow has anyone ever told you that you have some beautiful eyes there?
  • When she smiles...Smile yourself and say ''I love your smile"
  • How is your food hun, is it any good?

Some standard questions to ask her:

  • What she does for a living.
  • What's her hobbies.
  • What music does she listen to.
  • Does she enjoy sports?
  • Does she like animals. (every loves kittens!)
  • What's her favourite film and genre?
  • Does she like to read?
  • Does she have a big family?
  • What is on her bucket list?
  • Favourite food?

Every question you ask can lead off into a bigger discussion. As you can see If just listed a few basic ones lol, think of things you would want to know about the other person.

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Posted

you be strong, the girls are very cute, and I believe they will respond to your sincere feelings

+1

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Posted

I never understood anything about girls/women, but I noticed that the same myself  could have bad days where everyone is turning face away when eyes are reaching each others, and some days (could be the next day) where most of people turn their heads in the street to look more at you and smile at you.

I noticed that it was all linked to how I felt about myself and that no out-of-the-box thinking could influance that. Only genuine works there.

So definitly quitting gaming will make you feel much better about yourself, it's a very good step (I never felt genuinely good in a day I had been gaming) to be attractive, and have women make the first step ! (then you don't have this fear anymore !)

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Posted (edited)

Two years ago, I'd direct you to one of the major PUA sites that teach game, which is basically a set of social skills focused on getting girls. However, I'm not sure how great of an idea that is since the approach a lot of these people take borders on sociopathy.

I think this site is pretty good: Girls Chase

It was an article on this site that, a few years ago, helped me realize that there's no one special girl.

Edited by Marchosias

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Posted (edited)

It's not so much the courage of going up to girls and talking to them and complimenting them that "gets you a girlfriend". Sure that's going to increase your chances greatly, but that's not the only way to do it. Honestly, I don't even think I can do that in a random setting. I'm 27, I've had many girlfriends in my years and not one of them has been from approaching them randomly with a pick-up line or compliment. I have met girls through mutual friends, parties, sports clubs, organizations, school, online dating etc. 

I think the first mistake you can make is having the mentality of "I need to find a girlfriend" or "I want a girlfriend! but I don't know how to get one". Just be yourself, if you are with a group of friends and there's girls in the group, just talk! Be yourself, express interest in them, ask about them, make them feel interesting, that's how relationships happen. You will make a lot more friends in your life (and girlfriends) by showing interest in their life. 

There's no secret, or magic formula to getting a girlfriend, a few of my friends sometimes ask me "how do you get girlfriends? How do you get girls to like you?". I'm not an overly outgoing individual, but I would say I am very caring and compassionate. Those two traits are ones that girls I suppose look for in a potential relationship. When I am at group gatherings or parties that's where I feel in my element. It's incredibly easy for me to spark up a conversation with a girl in a common setting (mutual friends etc.). If I meet a girl and I like them or I feel there is a connection between us, you just gotta "be a man!" (iin Russel's accented voice*) about it. Ask her out for coffee, show her that you are interested in her. You will develop that confidence over time, and you will get used to rejection.

A few of my friends are my age, have never had a girlfriend but keep saying "i want a girlfriend" ... but they don't know how to socialize. If you sat me down with a random girl, at a coffee shop I could sustain a conversation for hours (most likely) unless we had nothing in common or I deemed she was just a terrible person. Some of my friends wouldn't know where to start. There's definitely a skill that can be developed when it comes to socializing. My advice is just to express interest in them, and try and not talk about yourself too much. You will find you have a lot more friends that way. When I evaluate my "friends" there's two friends that come to mind as TRUE friends. Those are the two who will randomly call me, or message me out of the blue and say "how are you doing? I haven't talked to you in a while". They are good people, I'm not saying my other friends are bad people, I am just saying those two individuals are the one's you want to keep close to your side in life. This relates into a relationship, a girl is obviously going to like a guy who shows interest in them, shows that they care about their feelings. SO... express interest in the girls that you like, and it will most likely be reciprocated. And if there's a spark, a potential romantic relationship will most likely be formed.

That's just my rant and input on the topic of 'finding a girlfriend'. 

 

*If you don't know what I am talking about here, it's from Russel Peters stand-up skit

Edited by xela
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Posted (edited)

I can share a bit of my perspective as a guy who was unkissed until the age of 21 and really missed having a girlfriend, but have had  meet some great girls since then. For me the problem was that I mostly spent time only inside (both physically in my room and inside my head), and the only way to build confidence in anything, the way I see it, is to get real-life experience, just practicing and putting yourself out there.

@Paul A. Advice are good but don't focus on it to much as there as oceans of advice and many ways to be social and make contact. But here are some advice to maybe start out with: 

Maybe the core advice would be the cliched "be yourself and believe in yourself" when interacting with people (male or female), so the more confident you become in how you want to live life the easier it is often to interact with others, so develop different part of yourself that you want to develop, and people will begin getting attracted more and more. Also  thinking about girls as just other humans who also have needs to interact and get to know people is healthy (and not to think of girls as some alien creatures). If you pay attention and are really interested in wanting to get to know someone you will probably observe lots of signs with time and learn a lot, and mistakes are a part of that.

And you can start from there, not getting drowned in all the advice tactics and over-complications that are theorized out there. Work with getting out of your comfort zone, work on finding out things your want to do with your life, and find some environments where it's easier to meet people (where you maybe share some interests), or if you see someone needing help, help then and then maybe try chatting a bit :)

In the end I think you experiencing life and learning to handle the rejections is the key, and along the way you will probably find your own way of meeting girls and getting a girlfriend. But it can be hard, and uncomfortable, and at the same time fun, and exhilarating. Mistakes and embarrassments can become fun memories also, and just makes us human.

I have done so many mistakes in social interactions, but that is how I have learn to socialize over time :)

Sorry if my post was all over the place, but hope you understood a bit about what I tried to convey :D

Edited by everydayart
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Posted

Great post everydayart!

I was interested by the point where you were talking about "getting out of your head". As this is something I also struggle with, do you have some tips or experiences for this?

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Posted

Make it your new hobby. Get a wingman and practice talking to girls. Make it a game: 

  • Whoever talks to more girls wins
  • Whoever gets rejected the most wins
  • Whoever makes girls laugh more wins.
  • Whoever stays more time talking to a girl wins

Must of the time I am a lonewolf while approaching girls. Keep it fun, honest and interesting and you are gold.

You sound very young.
You could even go to the mall by yourself and ask someone about your age to be your wingman.
I used to do this when I was about 18. When I got bored of approaching, the other two guys (who I just met) kept approaching girls because they had an "excuse" I simply challenged them to approach girls.

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Posted

Make it your new hobby. Get a wingman and practice talking to girls. Make it a game: 

  • Whoever talks to more girls wins
  • Whoever gets rejected the most wins
  • Whoever makes girls laugh more wins.
  • Whoever stays more time talking to a girl wins

Must of the time I am a lonewolf while approaching girls. Keep it fun, honest and interesting and you are gold.

You sound very young.
You could even go to the mall by yourself and ask someone about your age to be your wingman.
I used to do this when I was about 18. When I got bored of approaching, the other two guys (who I just met) kept approaching girls because they had an "excuse" I simply challenged them to approach girls.

That can be one approach to just learn to talk to girls in the beginning, but I would move on from it if possible (just my opinion). It a method based a bit more on quantity of interaction, and is only focused on ones own ego (as most games are about winning) as I see it. I would modify it into skipping the whole gaming bit and see how good quality interactions one can get with people (getting out of ones comfort zone and being nice to all kinds of strangers, see them as individuals they are, and skip the statistics, you never know what situations and possibilities open up).

 

OK, so now I am going into yet another long free-flow rant, that hopefully can be of use to someone, it will be a bit messy as usual ;)

Having daily interactions and conversations, and growing together through the good and bad with a person is very different from short interactions where one only wants to make someone laugh, or get a quick date.

As I see it, in the long run if wanting to meet a partner (AND forming a more or less healthy relationship), there are other types of skills that are very valuable (and good if one starts to practice, think and act upon early). For example: learning to relax whatever the outcome, and not trying to manipulate people for the sake of a certain outcome, be able to relate to other human beings (empathy), and showing integrity as a person (stand for your values, try to live the life you believe in). 

Developing those skills will make establishing and sustaining a relationship easier, but will also help much to meet people because they are valuable skills to possess. The good thing is that with reflection, those skills can develop while learning to meet people, dating and having relationships, so it's not something that can be done as isolated practice before meeting people, but it's skills that get developed more the more life experience you get, and if you use that experience in constructive ways to learn form.

 Experience is as I mentioned before the best teacher in my opinion salted with some reflections on how one can improve. Again, I have made heaps of mistakes of all kinds. But I don't think mistakes are to be avoided at all costs as they sometimes teach in a very profound way. Be happy to make mistakes, because you know that you are trying, and maybe you get insights no one else has because you get to experience the situations first-hand ;)

I have no short way of describing it, but here is a example of what I mean with a quality connection to a person (and what I strive for in a relationship with a girl): When you are able to connect with a person and both to open up deeply to each other, starting to really share life experiences and activities (things they only have shared with people close to them, thus you get a better understanding of their life choices), having engaged discussions, and feeling at ease with each other without any games, trivial judgements, and being able to grow together and as individuals at the same time. Sometimes those connections can come with people super fast (if both dare to be vulnerable and honest), and sometimes they build up with time.

Never underestimate the value of finding shared activities, or just meeting new people by trying out new things :) You never know when you will find those kinds of social bonds that might develop in to something more: But one needs to get out more, find ones right environments where one will find people to approach (different environments have different kinds of people obviously with different goals, values etc).

All this being said, I am a very introverted person myself most of the time, but have my phases where I get into social environments and have the energy to interact a lot. Usually I prefer having one or two persons in my surrounding (friends or girlfriend) who I am very close to. Usually I am super social in bursts, and then spend most of my time with my girlfriend and one or two other close friends or alone. Because that works with my energy levels.

So yeah, there's some of my morning thought on the subject :D Have a nice day everyone!

 

 

 

 

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Posted

Great post everydayart!

I was interested by the point where you were talking about "getting out of your head". As this is something I also struggle with, do you have some tips or experiences for this?

For me it has been about lots of thing over a long period of time. So not sure I can give good isolated advice. But as Cam has mentioned, meditation is very powerful because you get to see moods, emotions and thoughts come and go. So that is a great tool if you dedicate time to it. Some meditation practices are about just letting go of whatever comes up inside (in you mind) you or outside (the physical world), and that is a skill you can get better at. Moving on and looking a bit more objectively on the world. That said, I don't use it that often, I have gravitated more towards the below approach. But meditation can be super powerful with long term practice.

Then there's also philosophy and general expansion of you experiences and references that can alter your mind sets in all kinds of ways and has helped me get out of my head more. It's a hard subject for me to give any concrete advice. Because new pieces of information are like small building blocks I use to build up ways of behaviours, though and knowledge, and there and billions of pieces that one can explore.

So maybe the advice would be read more (autobiographies, history, studies about different cultures and behaviors, and non-fiction in general) and think about what you read, and you brain will expand it's references and perspectives, which can make it easier to relate to real-life in lots of different ways. Also at the same time experience lots of different situations in the real-world, as some of them will get you out of your head more, because you will not have time to think as much.

Often what i have thought was scary before hand, has been much less so irl, or I have at least been able to handle it in some capacity.In time beliefs, things hat seems super important or scary etc. Can maybe be put more into perspective. Second guessing my own beliefs time and again also helps me explore new things, and being less afraid and stuck in my head.

As a example, I used to feel super lonely and depressed often as I was young, and also had some later year depressions because of other reasons. I told myself lots of stories in my head about how things where. But being able to learn more about different ways of life, culture, values and how the world works or has worked has helped me focus less on the storytelling, and more on being curious on all that is out there. Which also helps in social interactions (at least most of the time ;)).

Hope there was something useful in there, take care :)

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Posted

Thanks for taking the time to write this out! 

I can really relate to some aspects like visualising situations way more scary in my head than in real life :) . Afterwards it always seems quite funny how I build up a situation in my head, when in reality it was just a nice experience. I will defenitely look into meditation and try to even read more books about different aspects of life. And yeah probably the most important one of them all for getting out of your head, experience as many situations as possible in life. Sometimes it's not easy to do this, but afterwards it feels great most of the time. 

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