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Daily Journal - Rick

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Posted (edited)

If you're tired I would look into your diet, exercise and sleep regimes. If you're bored and aimless you need to be MORE intentional and plan out your days. This is about being PROACTIVE instead of reactive. 

um i don't understand. I think i do this already, let me tell you how an average day looks like:

  • 8:30 to 12:00  is work (workproject voluntary)
  • 12:00 to 13:00 relaxing, taking a shower, planning the day in my agenda ór on a blank sheet. (you told in one of your videos that its better to plan the day that evening before, would that make a difference compared my methode now?)
  • 13:00 following the day planning. sometimes i'm tired already because i always used to game from now on. 
  • 15:30 we have our structured coffee break with the group. until now i can mostly keep up with my planning.
  • 17:30 dinner. most of the times i havent completed all of my planned things. i'm behind with 1 or 2 things.
  • 18:30 the evening starts. now i feel i need to relax, i'm bored with following the planning. i want to either game or do something else that is relaxing and gives me a chance to blow off steam. also, because of my autism i have gotten full in my head by all the incentives from every decision or activity. there is a 50% chance i contineu my planning, otherwise i just do not really much. little bit of reading, watching a movie or serie. 
  • 20:30 another structured coffee break with the group. from 20:30 i try to catch up with my planning.
  • 21:30 i'm wrapping up anything i was doing. and going to do my going-to bed-ritual. that is; drinking, brush teeth, make a small walk over the terrain.
  • 22:00 going to bed

As of my sleep, i can never tell if i will sleep well or bad. Last night i just woke up in the middle of the night. sometimes i lay awake for hours, my max is like 2,5 hours. I always try to go to breakfast at 7:45 but i'm never sure if i can make it.

Last thing i wanna add is that today i contineu my whiteboard. I think and hope that will improve my effectiveness.

Rick

EDIT: since my non information input week would also include respawn i exlude it now (is that a word? ^^). i wil just update everyday again here my journal. I'm nog doing "Fill the void" of Respawn. I hear a lot of things you said in previous answers Cam. So 'm just gonna finish respawn asap. I don't wanna ask questions i get the answer at in one of your videos :)

Edited by Ironfly

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Posted

The word is exclude. :)

Your structure looks pretty good, the thing I think is missing is exercise. Are you exercising at all? It would be the perfect thing to do around 18:30 before your evening starts. Going to the gym for example is an hour and a half of exercise + shower + transport, which also shifts the energy in your body. :)

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Posted

Alright. 

I"m not sure what day i'm at. I have been trough a relapse each weekend. I'm having some difficulty writing here right now, keeping my journal up to date. I'm having good days tho in general. I just wanna get back into my starters focus. 

Actions i have taken in the last weeks:

  1. My first free lesson at a nearby fitness gym is this wednesday. I'm stoked to start exercising.
  2. I have maintained my structure throughout the weeks except the weekends. I'm working on that
  3. Right now i have finally the feeling i do all of this really for myself. I'm always struggling in my mind with the desire to be liked, to feel connected. Its one of the reasons that kept me from writing here. 

Actions i will take, and i have spoken of (or about?) with my mental health coach. or mentor. Never know the exact word for it.

  1. starting the 90days detox. I need this step to refresh my commitment. Also, i wanna be part of all the steps GameQuitters is going to do.
  2. contineue with respawn
  3. Finding a study.

Greetz,

Rick

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Posted

Nice to hear from you. Seems like you are making progress. Just post as much as is good for you!

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Posted

Happy to hear from you Rick. I always enjoy your posts. :)

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Posted

With this and my previous post I get my grip back to a post everyday.

I’m going very well. That is in my need to game. I tried each weekend 1 game. Installed it, played it for a few games or hours, then de installed. It just doesn’t fill my need anymore.

I wanna share some thoughts, that i experienced in my silent time.

  • -          There is this feeling growing that I need to make ‘good’ posts. Really wise and so. I can counter it a bit with different thoughts

  • -          Something else is that I refused to post because I just saw everyone going so well. Lots of insights, depth and wisdom. People are doing things and creating experiences and i felt (then, now not so much anymore) lost in a ‘comparing’ state or mood.

  • -          Last week I was laying in bed, and it just hit me. “I’m thinking always about others, or my own actions from a distance. Thinking about what I could do”. So I searched on my phone “self-pity” and it was bám! I have this, and I do this and I have this exactly thing. I wanna overcome this self pity thing. If you ask me “whats the main thing you have been doing since you game?” its: keep thinking about all the chances I let go, and keep thinking about all the chances i will let go in the future, because I can’t stop thinking about that. Seriously, any tips or advices are welcome. Somethings I know but where I really lack a good general summary are: I know I need to get out of my head. Cam, your tip about changing the envoriment is something I can and do use, but it’s not always possible. Or is that thought bulwark? Anyway, this explains to me also my procrastination.

This is it for now. See ya another day! 

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Posted

Self-pity is a victim mindset. You're shifting responsibility away from yourself and instead saying that something else is the cause of your suffering. Now, there's a fine balance between taking full responsibility for your life and how you feel, and being hard on yourself. I do not believe taking full responsibility for yourself means you also have to be hard on yourself and live full of shame. Instead, by taking full responsibility, it means you also have control to change your circumstances to be what you want them to be. You are the chooser, the creator of your reality. This won't change overnight but every time you are thinking about self-pity, you need to refocus your thoughts on being the hero of your own story. 

A documentary you'd enjoy is Finding Joe. Check it out. :)

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Posted

Self-pity is a victim mindset. You're shifting responsibility away from yourself and instead saying that something else is the cause of your suffering. Now, there's a fine balance between taking full responsibility for your life and how you feel, and being hard on yourself. I do not believe taking full responsibility for yourself means you also have to be hard on yourself and live full of shame. Instead, by taking full responsibility, it means you also have control to change your circumstances to be what you want them to be. You are the chooser, the creator of your reality. This won't change overnight but every time you are thinking about self-pity, you need to refocus your thoughts on being the hero of your own story. 

A documentary you'd enjoy is Finding Joe. Check it out. :)

Going to check it out right now!

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Posted

Day 7

Thinks start to crumble. I'm feeling numb and tired throughout the day. No energy. I went into 'do-it-later-' mode and skipped most of the stuff i had planned. I had a small relapse and searched for some browser games. Trying not to be harsh on myself.

Day 8

I maintained my day structure (getting out of bed on time etc). The whole day i'm mostly in my head. Lots of thoughts, like "am i giving up now, already?" or "i can still turn this around, get back on track". Massive battle going on in my mind. I'm not having a hard time to resist gaming today, but i'm feeling more often 'bored', 'tired and wanna relax' or just having some hiccups entertaining myself. I think (and in my heart i know so) i need to take more action. Like writing down the activities (that is the current worksheet i'm on now) to answer my moods, and to summarize all the stuff i have written down so far, then i want to print some useful tips and hang that on my bulletin board. One of the few good moments today is that i got my whiteboard this morning. I have big plans for it, not specifically for GameQuitters, but also to finish my week-plan. I will actually make a photo of it when its finished, will help to actually do it. Not going to say anything more, i'm tired and going to bed.

Tomorrow i'm going to do:

  • the next lesson of respawn + worksheet
  • stay committed to my agenda
  • place my whiteboard

At last, i had a good idea to add to my journal. Others have a gratitude list or 'being thankfull for' list. I came up with a "Things that made me smile today" list. Here you go.

 

 

Things that made me smile today:

 

  1.  I watched the movie “finding neverland”. I smiled when i saw the writer playing with children, i saw him enjoy it. I felt happy. I felt like “that’s me”. I like to play with children also and be someone who can still 'play', not in a childish way but in a children's way.

 

A really cool Ted talk about this is by Neil Pasricha.  Sorry I don't have the link. ???? But I think the list  things that make you smile is encouraging.  

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Posted

I need to write this down, for myself. I had a big relapse this weekend, full of loneless and empty feelings. Right now thou i have my younger brother visiting me. We are having a great time. The question i have however the whole time is this: (or more like a theorem) Can i manage all of this? and what it means is: can i manage my fears, my structure, my restrictions. 

I fear i can't handle it. I had such a moment this weekend pretty strongly.

About the self-pity, i am learning to be more aware of the thoughts that flow from that, here is the one i had this weekend: i want to have a mentor, because i cannot do this on my own.

This is right now the main thing why i postpone ideas and take care of my room and myself. And right now i'm thinking: and i keep thinking about this, how do i stop thinking and start doing?

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Posted (edited)

I need to write this down, for myself. I had a big relapse this weekend, full of loneless and empty feelings. Right now thou i have my younger brother visiting me. We are having a great time. The question i have however the whole time is this: (or more like a theorem) Can i manage all of this? and what it means is: can i manage my fears, my structure, my restrictions. 

I fear i can't handle it. I had such a moment this weekend pretty strongly.

About the self-pity, i am learning to be more aware of the thoughts that flow from that, here is the one i had this weekend: i want to have a mentor, because i cannot do this on my own.

This is right now the main thing why i postpone ideas and take care of my room and myself. And right now i'm thinking: and i keep thinking about this, how do i stop thinking and start doing?

Hello Ironfly

I think that a mentor would be excellent for you.  Did you think about what you want from mentoring? To be exact?  Maybe post on the forum for an accountability partner? 

Be kind to yourself.  I think that the worst thing we can do is beat ourselves up for being human.  I applaud you for coming back here and posting, and being honest with yourself, and not sugar-coating reality.  You are also not alone in relapsing.  I had a minor relapse lately too, but it was with a game I installed on my cell phone.  I only played about 25 minutes, but still it was triggering the tendency to game again.   I would have been on it for at least an hour, but I quit because I had to go to sleep.  I deleted that game, and put my cell phone in the living room far far away.  What do you do when you take a step back?  You get up....you start again, and you pat yourself on the back for getting up again.   That's with anything in life.  We fall, we get back up.  We keep going forwards.  And all the progress you made STILL counts, even if you had a relapse. 

I agree with the other poster that we have to find something to replace the game.  It seems like you've got good structure in your day, but your mind still craves the dopamine effect that a game offered. Like Cam mentioned and others, the one thing that can balance your mood is exercise.  Endorphin produced by our pituitary gland are natural chemicals that will help buffer stress and pain.  Runners get this kind of 'endorphin' high. 

Edited by Dannigan
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Posted

I need to write this down, for myself. I had a big relapse this weekend, full of loneless and empty feelings. Right now thou i have my younger brother visiting me. We are having a great time. The question i have however the whole time is this: (or more like a theorem) Can i manage all of this? and what it means is: can i manage my fears, my structure, my restrictions. 

I fear i can't handle it. I had such a moment this weekend pretty strongly.

About the self-pity, i am learning to be more aware of the thoughts that flow from that, here is the one i had this weekend: i want to have a mentor, because i cannot do this on my own.

This is right now the main thing why i postpone ideas and take care of my room and myself. And right now i'm thinking: and i keep thinking about this, how do i stop thinking and start doing?

Be kind to yourself. 

+1

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Posted (edited)

thx guys. I'm going to find a way to apply what you have been saying.

 

EDIT: 2 reasons i had this bad weekend. I think i forgot to mention it. On friday i heard from the dentist i needed to lose 2 wisdom teeth. I need to make an appointment with the oral surgeon for that. Second reason was that i failed to visit my sister and brother in law. 

Thats why that "can i really manage all of my life" sentence came up. 

I don't know how to cope with such bad news as going to the surgeon and dentist again. I'm really affraid for both of them. I have 2 weeks until my first appointment. I know through my autism (i dont use this reason to much, i am not hiding behind it) that i need to learn many things manuall, step-by-step through my head. Can you give a example how you process really bad news? something that involves fear for the upcoming. Thanks in advance!

As of my state right now btw, i'm not feeling down or bad about myself atm. oh, and the reason i still post this late (go to bed around 10-ish, its now 11:10 pm) is that i trimmed my beard. Wolverine style hehe. My profile picture is not anymore up to date :)

 

Edited by Ironfly

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Get this: i'm cleaning my room a bit, lay the last hand to some laundry before i take off (gonna celebrate my birthday at my parents) and i was thinking, for the second time this day: "i am really not looking forward to this weekend. i like to celebrate but after that i have a deal with my sister to go with her after this evening, and be with them the whole saturday. i think i will be tired, and muggy? in my head". 

And then i get suddenly the insight "i think it will be like that, i think i will be full in my head the whole saterday, and i will be a bit tense then, and numb etc. but if i think that it will probably come true. i'm already thinking so much ahead, that it looks like i dont have another choice, then to follow this path. but i can also think "i like being with my family, even if i will be a bit full, we can have a good and relaxing time". 

Just one of these things that i was not aware of, but something i can change.

Btw, its not my birthday, that was the 20th of december. but i always celebrate it a couple of months later, because the winter is busy enough already ;)

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