It's been a fucking while! Indeed it has! I haven't posted in such a long long time for a number of reasons: I had another dumbfuck existential crisisI sort of stopped caring and submerged myself in porn and videogames every now and again.I've had exams and what little mental vitality I have was diverted into the colossal regurgitation process that is the modern education systemI suppose you could say it all started last week on saturday. Prior to this I was getting a bit melancholy about the whole comic books thing. I figured out how the shithole that is my brain works a while ago and what being a 'comic book artist' really meant to me. I've been chasing images all this time; symbols of status for me to attach myself to and draw meaning from. It's behind everything I do. Absolutely everything. It's the reason I quit games in the first place. To be the 'black sheep', the 'lone wolf', the cartoon character cookie cutter archetypal trash that my brain binds itself to. I've been hiding. Craftily plastering my images about my own consciousness the delude it into the notion that I am those things. That there isn't a small, cold, lonely, shivering child underneath the veils of my own vanity. That there isn't a child in the who has barely seen the light of day. It's sick. It's fucked up. I know and all I can really do is forget and hope it goes away. Oh yeah! Comic books have helped you. Really! They've allowed you to kid yourself into living a life of vanity. You're like one of those dumb bimbo slags who weigh a metric shit ton. The whales who go out to eat with their 'friends' and order a salad and pick at it; making some silly remarks about how they're full. Then when they get home they order about 5 pizzas and stuff themselves. You guzzle up the bullshit images comic books and whatnot provide and craftily apply them you your imaginary apparel, when in actuality, it is the meat of the meaning behind these comic books; the emotions; the adventure that keeps your soul from shrivelling just barely. If only you would engage in the comfort of other people. But you can't because if you did that you would have to make the images give way. Back on the topic of last week on saturday: I live in a small antediluvian village in the english countryside - which I am very grateful for - which is full of old folks. One particular old man needed help doing some odd jobs on his bit of land. Turns out he knows what I'm going through right now. Somehow it seems he knows more about me than I do myself. He has the mind and soul of a prophet. Naturally, he was inquisitive towards me. Of course my avoidant shitbag mind drew back and took a back seat. Smile and wave boys! Smile and wave! He supplied the nudge to push me into the abyss. No. He helped me up and I chose to run aimlessly, like a skittish deer, into the abyss. Why? Why give yourself to this stupid shit when you can just focus on using your skills to make the world a better place? You're selfish. You fucking suck. Get a real job. Get a family. Show people some respect and make some friends. Oh wait. But you can't! Because you suck. Because your brain is so fucked up you can't do shit. You might as well just kill yourself. You are useless. You are simply a self justified cluster of molecules spawned by the throes of causality which has been reproducing and adapting itself for many millions of years. I got my fixes but nothing good distract me. Just crawling back to the same room at the end of the day, a day consisting of self inflicted social isolation and feeling sorry for myself when I didn't have any maths problems stuffed in my face, feeling like a total pile of shit. Jerking off and dicking about on shadow or mordor.
I have worth. No mater how much of a shitbag I am. I am a fundamental part of this vast construct of life in this world. Without my interaction in the system of causality the world would be a different place. I am a part of the collective consciousness of sentient life. Every human, dog, or whatever that can think or feel I have come close to has a memory of me - a piece of my soul that will influence their decisions in later life. These pieces add up to a vast portion of me ingrained upon the world. There are things we don't know and a race. There are things I don't know as person. That in itself is god and what we humans strive for. Meaning beyond the cluster of molecules. What even is reality? Everything is in the perception I am experiencing right now - what was past and future is non existent as far as I am concerned. Truly profound. I feel. Therefore I am. I am a cluster of molecules but I sure don't feel like it. I feel emotions. They drive me and I have them no matter what. I laugh. I play. I cry. I scream. I must own them. I choose to own them. Before I was choosing to perish. Fuck that. There is something to be had in this world. I just need to have it. I'm already having it. But once I've had an adequate amount of it only then can I see it. I can't see it now. I'm in the spiritual purgatory of adolescence. I'll keep living. I'll keep going through with my 'grand scheme' and see where life takes me.
Cat's out the bag The cat is out of the bag and I'm trying to stuff it back in before people kick it to death. People are starting to find out I want to be a comic book artist at school. I'm getting a surge of 'whys' and 'hows' coming at me. It's a fucking pain in the arse. Makes me just want to go some place else where I can't hear their babbling. My stepdad's found out as well. Ah for fuck's sake. He's gonna start lecturing me. I can't be fucked to explain to anyone the reason why I want to do this. I can't be bothered because I know they won't understand and only stare at me perplexed and ridicule me. This stigma has caused me to doubt myself. When something emotionally hits you, you rationalise over the emotion. One day I was emotionally hit and I rationalised to be a comic artist. Today I was emotionally hit and I started rationalising about perhaps not being a comic book artist. It's these emotions that drive us as humans to do extraordinary things. It's what makes us tick. But emotions come and go. One object of life is never going to consistently incite one particular emotional response. It will incite pain and pleasure and you will have to prepared to accept both if you wish to dedicate yourself to it. But what makes you want to dedicate yourself to something? Where does this grounding come from? If pleasure is simply incited by any particular object then why do we humans choose to fixate ourselves on one path; one woman; one family; one country; one tribe; one ideology. It's because as humans we demand truth. We demand purpose. We demand to have something in this world which defines our existence. We need a grounding point to anchor our emotions in reality. Some people receive definition from the system. Most of the other kids at school see a career and possibly a family and that's it. They are happy. But kids like me are wired differently. I don't feel shit for the system. I have never witnessed the role of a father. All i have to confide in is the goofy shit that I do for my soul food. My art. Art is where I define my purpose. It's where I place myself in the gloom of reality and where I build my stronghold. It's what I give my life to because it is one of the few things that has given me life. I need to dedicate myself to it because otherwise I can't live. I'm walking alone in the dark without a home. It's been arranged so I can do the entirety of the art course at school next year. This means switching maths sets, dropping D&T and switching to the noob physics class. I'm prepared to do anything. I'm prepared because I have my stronghold. It's time to stand by my cat and beat everyone up who decides to kick it.
Thanks man this helps a lot This is the way I'm wired and I can't do shit about it. It's me. I just don't enjoy the same stuff as people around me. I just don't do things that I don't want to do. I'm just stuck in this social purgatory of high school. I have nothing to latch on to. No one to confide in. It's just culminated to the point of me developing this dream. A dream that I can confide in.
I suppose you could go as deep as that. To say our intrinsic traits are just as they are - strength, weakness, pleasure, pain - all neither good nor bad. They all simply amount to changes in your self and your environment. All intertwined. Pain can come from strength. Weakness can come from pleasure. But whatever it is I have, let's call it my 'selfishness', it eats away at me. I opt in for a life of solitude. I choose to pursue greatness and I don't reach out to anyone. Sure. I'm stronger because of that trait. I don't go round holding onto someone else's tail. But I also feel pain. I feel lonely. Like I'm on some desert island somewhere building a castle and I have no one to share it with. I'm weak because I can't give in to anyone else. I can't ask them for help. I can't ask them if they want to go do something. I cant sit and talk to them. I cant let them see me. I hide. I don't want anyone to see I'm weak. That I'm just a person. I obscure myself with images that I try to project. I even try to convince myself that I'm some sort of image. Some sort of symbol of whatever I want to master.
I'm just selfish. I vent here and just expect people to listen. I've stopped trying to reach out to people. I'm climbing mountains and not telling anybody. I'm looking at everyone through a glass wall. Hoping they'll see me on the other side. I could tap on the glass. I could smash the wall but that just isn't me. I just try and make as big of a spectacle as I can in hopes that they look. That's just me I suppose. Me and my images.
Tug of war Gnarly dude! This is really starting to piss me off. Ever since I decided I wanted to be a comic book artist I'm struggling to get down and get studying my technical subjects. I just can't feel the fucking point! If it were up to me I'd sit in a corner drawing all day. But nooooooo - I have to have 3 of these totally arbitrary qualifications that are completely meaningless to what I want to do. Yea sure, I guess it's one more thing under my belt. A plan B if I ever need it. But I just don't need it! It's like I'm some great sorcerer with a big fuck off longsword stuffed in his pack. Why does he carry a longsword if he can shoot fireballs out of his arse? Safekeeping? Fuck that! Studying is a drag. It often results in me sitting there daydreaming. I want to go and draw or research but I'm stuck in this chair with a bunch of equations in front of me. I know I'm supposed to do them but I know that it's only because someone told me to. So with no motivation to attempt them; with everything feeling so pointless I just end up sitting there not doing ANYTHING. I could get so much done if I didn't have this shit in my way. I could be drawing. I could be looking at courses. I could be looking at books. I could be reading comics. I could be networking. I could be living my fucking dream but I'm stuck with a pair of snow shoes strapped to my feet when I'm on an open grassy plain. It's a fucking crutch. Useful but useless. Hell if I just said fuck it and bummed off my studies altogether - what then? What are the actual consequences? You won't have a plan b if things don't work out. They will though.You'll look stupid. At least considerably more stupid than if you did have them. They will make you stand out on your CV. Sure, but does someone looking for a good comic book artist even look at that first? They'd check your artistic competency. But they'd also check your work/ academic record. They want to see if this fucker can knuckle down and meet deadlines. They want to see that he knows how to work. This year and a bit I spend studying could be made up for.You will piss off all of your teachers. It would be extremely disrespectful to bunk off all the shit they do for you. You would be a hindrance to other classmates.You will piss off your mother. She pays a fuck ton for my schooling. I might as well squeeze out every last drop. But what's the point of going to hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizardry if you just want to draw? I should just be in some state school. But I suppose I'm here now and there's nothing I can do about it.You would get insanely good at drawing. You wouldn't have to worry about studying.You would be expelled. Let's face it. They won't have time for lay abouts like you. You could just not try and just do shittily. But you would have all sorts of bother.So, it looks like I don't have a choice. I have to do these A levels one way or another. There's no way out. And since I'm here I might as well do them good. I'll try and stay more positive about this: I can do these stupid A levels as good as I can and then I can go ALL out. Just do what you need to get your grades. No extra reading. No trying. All it takes is for you to sit down and do some maths problems. That's it. Take the strain of the rope and then tug it towards you when the time is right. On another note I'm still lonely as fuck. But there isn't much I can do about it. I was going to play warframe with some old friends. But I don't have time for it when I'm honing my drawing skills. Honestly for me to play warframe is to spend hours and hours of my spare time grinding for gear. It's not a good trade off. Damn it feels a bit like a griffith scenario. Like my stupid dream is getting in the way of what really matters. I'm still being that kid who sits around doing his own thing and not talking to people. And now I'm basing my career off that. The only people I have in this world are you guys. I'm grateful for it but I need real people. I always figured that I would make friends easily when I got to university. That I could find other metalheads; other weebs; other nerds. But now I know that isn't going to happen because I'm putting everything into this dream. The main reason I wanted to go to uni was to meet people and have a good time. I suppose you can either be a wolf or a sheep. The price of being a sheep is weakness. And the price of being a wolf is loneliness. Hopefully I will find a long term girlfriend. I just need someone to cuddle; to kiss; to fuck; to tell stories. I have developed this habit: In my mind I often play out scenarios or situations where I'm talking to people and having a good time. Sometimes I even speak the words myself. I always thought it was bad and I should stop but now I know it's there because I'm so alone. It's there because I starve my brain of social interaction. Perhaps this is who I am. I'm starting to believe it. I have a certain personality. I am grateful for my weakness for it allows me to be me. After I finish school I'll be in the big wide world. Will I still be alone? Will I still be hanging around to these forums; clasping at what shreds of social-mental well being I can obtain? Will I still be screaming in my mind, "Look at me! Please!" I don't know how long I can take this. Maybe I'll change along the way. I just don't know. I'll still be stuck in this bedroom for another year probably. Watching the world fly by. But there's light at the end of the tunnel. All I can do I chug the train at full speed.
After years on end of intense meditation In the solitude of the himalayan mountains The buddhist zen practitioner, Hideo Yagami, had an epiphany He realised Meditation was a waste of his sweet fucking time!
He fled his mountain peak cave with due haste And formulated a sacred path of unparalleled wisdom He named it The idontugivafukkado! Hideo: SUGOI!
No problem! No I'm going as all out in this as I can. I'm not going for an engineering degree. It will just suck me in and make me stagnate as an artist. This is my plan A. Hell if I wanted this would be my only plan. You don't go and follow your passion as an option where you think about it like: "Hmm yea maybe I could do that if things didn't work out" or "Uhh ye maybe I could do that". It's: "FUCK YEA I'M GONNA DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO MAKE THIS SHIT HAPPEN!!!" Art and music are the most brutal industries out there and I'm prepared to accept that. Spending 4 years at a desk doing something I don't care about when I know I can get out there and forge my own path is going to drive me insane. Hell even doing fucking maths, physics and D&T A levels in high school right now is driving me insane. If I could I'd just sit around and draw all fucking day! Yea I still have all my sketches on shitty lined paper from when I was 14 funnily enough!
Getting my A levels is just one stepping stone. It may not get me closer to the part of the other side of the river I want to be on but I have to step on it because there's no way around. It's one more step. Unless, I jump right in the drink and wade through; soaked, filthy and shivering. I'll hop on your fucking stone. But know this: I'm gonna jump in and swim at some point. And I'll use these A levels as my buoyancy aid for a time. But I'll rip them off fast and I'll be doing butterfly stroke even sooner. Gotta go out into this world and own it. Own my passion. Own my life. I'll own what you throw at me and I'll chew it, i'll suck on it and I'll spit it on the pavement and step all over it.
Thanks man! Set me straight. I'm going to make this work. Holding back just makes me feel sick inside. Like I'm letting my soul stagnate. I'll get my stupid STEM as fuck A levels. I'll take my GAP year. I'll work on my art as hard as I can. I've got time to think. I've got time to understand.