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Leyla

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About Leyla

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  1. Leyla added a topic in Relapse   

    Hard Relapse but how to Detox with a potential gamer S.O.!?
    So I did my quantum leap and uninstalled a few weeks or not even two months ago... I know my journal is here somewhere and I have to go write in it and vent and just get my yaya's out for being a failure again and again... But my issue here is, I really dislike gaming. I REALLLY want to quit and i get nauseous and lot of anxiety when i start that login process knowing this isn't want I want to be doing but the thing is, what happens when the person you are dating is a gamer?

    Logic says, don't date a gamer!!! which yes, is one avenue of a solution. Other part (probably womanly emotions) says, well it's really me that needs to quit cuz the gaming isn't affecting this person. They got their job, outdoor hobbies, enjoys cooking, etc. 

    It's so so hard because after watching a lot of Cam's videos and reading people's struggles and suggestions, I think what hits the hardest is yeah, I AM going to face a lot of flack for it and lose a lot of friends. Hell, i sent this site to a few people and they got really angry and started defending gaming, which wasn't even my intention to attack but ask for their support and clearly now I know who has 'common sense' which isn't so common... hurk hurk....
    But yeah, this is a struggle I am having and though I have toned down my gaming, probably log in and force myself not to do anything and log out after about 2 or 3 hours, I know this habit is just negative because these companies are soo good at pulling customers in with gimmicks that i know I'll be wasting more time when I have to get my thesis done and want to actually have real world results from things i do: ie. rock climbing, cinematography, learn how to dj, pick up oil painting again, master my leathercrafts (yes i am a RL leatherworker lol) and etc. etc. etc.
    And my biggest guilt of all this is in teetering on this dilemma, I feel I've neglected my own health, family and friends, I've become less sociable, lost too much weight, and developed anxiety and stress from this. Just really lost right now and trying to focus on my academics currently but miserably failing. ^^;
    Almost Rock Bottom,
    Sylvia
    • 5 replies
    • 259 views
  2. Leyla added a post in a topic ????The Fall to LIMBO☆彡 「A Rehab Journal by Sylvia」   

    Oh my goodness, I actually have had f.lux for the past 3 months but started 'disabling' it so that i could 'see my game better.' .... yeah... i just actually turned it back on and I'll keep in mind this helps~~ that retinal resistance!
     
    Yeah I read the first post today or was it yesterday? (haven't slept lol) and it was really good.. so poignant and resonated with me too. I definitely already feel like I'm burning out after i dont know, 4-5 days, so I think yeah, you are right, like exercise, academics, work, anything, good things come with time and patience and commitment~ yeah, I'm no Rocky Balboa. Yeah but losing everything in life to gaming, yeah, it def is shameful or not even everything, even an extra minute of gaming to get loot or whatever, and miss out on family time or significant other, or a friend's phone call.. yeah... 
    I am enjoying this journaling though.. cuz.. I feel i'm not really journaling? lolol....  I feel like I'm cheating; kinda romanticizing my addiction and how it came about but yeah, I know it's gonna have a George RR Martin ending. LOL
    Thanks so much Alex!! I am so glad I found this community and for your really really helpful advice... like seriously, I've always been poor at baby steps so that is definitely helpful to know, it is okay to fail at first or many times while trying to still climb... T.T thank you~~~~~!
     
    ========================================================
    July 6th, 2016. 5.50pm EST.
    I am going to journal tonight and part of it is replacing gaming time with physical exercise for health and many positive other reasons. I'm writing this here for accountability.
    ~Sylvia C (aka "Leyla")
     
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  3. Leyla added a post in a topic My Journal - Travis   

    (*´,_ゝ`)y-・oO(。.゜+:ТНАΝКУО∪.:゜+。) @Cam Adair  and @kortheo
    (I did it! the @ thingy! thx lol)
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  4. Leyla added a post in a topic Avast!   

    Ahh gotcha!!! thanks so much!!!!
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  5. Leyla added a post in a topic Avast!   

    ok silly question but... how did you do that @ leyla thingie...
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  6. Leyla added a post in a topic ????The Fall to LIMBO☆彡 「A Rehab Journal by Sylvia」   

    Heya Alex! Thank you and thank you again for your kind words as well as reflective advice! I really feel eased that you brought the point up that 'quantum leaps' could be short term. It seems like that may be a route I will end up on because knowing me, I'm a go big or go home kinda person. I do need to work on balance in my life, letting go, not being OCD, allowing balance in everything and that is even my relationship to the computer/internet.
    Thank you for this advice... it's really making me reflect quite a bit!
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  7. Leyla added a post in a topic Avast!   

    Heya Truthful Pirate! 
    Welcome even though I am a noob here myself... I guess... not to make a cheesy joke of your name but time to move on from YAR work and find land to sow and settle? 
    Hope you find it easier and easier day by day to reach for your goals!
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  8. Leyla added a post in a topic ????The Fall to LIMBO☆彡 「A Rehab Journal by Sylvia」   

    ______________ 『【T h e G L A S S C a g e 】』 (Composite Image "Shattered Cage" not original, made for this post only - Sylvia) It was summer somewhere in the North East coast. Dawn was squeezing itself through the thick blinds from the artisans of the Home Depot when it was meant to assimilate night at all times throughout the day. Sylvia hated sleeping next to the window. She hated waking up tired and sleepy. But it was different this summer. She woke up late because she was up late. She was up late because she had a machine. A machine that was nearly an escape and outlet from all that came before. But it was illegal.
    It all started with this machine. There was a time when Sylvia thought the world revolved around her glass cage. Maintaining a high level productivity within the education system goal she was allowed to see. She was molded and pulled and pushed into fear and shame. The wise sayings of Confucius was like a drumbeat through her head, and if she displeased her guardians, the only other way to escape punishment and torture, was to deceive and hide her activities from their sight. It was safe in the cage, but she had to walk carefully. There was nothing beyond the cage to her knowledge. There within, lay piles of academic books, a calculator, a violin and a small piano, a walkman (cassette tape player) as an exception, and a hidden door to the floor, where she held her treasured items, a pencil, sketchbook, and eraser.

    Her deception started at a very young age. Young for a girl of this generation, of that time. The great crevice of divide between the sexes were very strong. And the word “gay” was still forbidden among any kind of conversation, media, notion, etc. like every generation that would outgrow the older, her notions were of classical, obedient housewife material. Her institutions of scholarly works and research, were to be exactly perfect. She was to have specific acquaintances approved by her guardians. Anything out of this model was heresy.
    "Ah, fill in the blanks as you will." As cybernauts, netizens, digital natives, and the like, many have one way or another, been touched by the Asian culture or enamored themselves within it. If not, Sylvia would believe she or he would not be missing much of digital Asian culture from the metaverse's point of view.
    Sylvia's male guardian was a medic of sorts. He “fixed” people. He liked to fix things. He liked the old-school ways of “fixing” things on one's own than paying another to do a job a finch could easily see the solution to. (Because little birds – chickadees, finches, etc. – are a popular pet in Asia.) Then, when the internet was introduced to the masses, he liked how it aided him in possibly “fixing” his lifestyle. The efficiency of an email. The introduction of the mobile phone. The beeper – an engineered device for quick emergency communication that was lightweight and portable – was the bane of his vocation. Anything that was a hindrance or a dislike, the anger of inefficiency, came imposed upon her. The lashes and the verbal slices – it felt better to stay in the glass cage. It seemed the right thing to do. Follow the words of the guardians. They know all. They rule your life. For they are the means of survival.
    Follow the words of the guardians. “Do you like computers? Here, here is a computer. Study it. I will find a programming master for you. Study it. Do not push the limits of this gift. Study it.”
    The first time was not remembered. She could not remember the birth of this connection. And like falling through a wormhole, the transition was rough and not climactic but an abrupt stop to realization. This dial tone... it hurt her ears. The images of lines and letters and numbers on the screen much like a television, was strange. There was an external device to maneuver as well aptly named "the mouse." She could see it. It was white much like the size of a fat mouse, and the tail extending outwards. One of the earliest memories Sylvia had was figuring out electronic mail with Irene. 
    Now Irene was not the brightest of girls. Sylvia did not even like her all that much. However, she was an approved 'cohort' of sorts by the guardians and thus, given permission on good days, to leave the glass cage and spend time in the company of this mundane Irene. Irene was caucasian. She was very very mundane. She had brown hair, brown eyes, an ovular facial structure and freckles on her nose and paddings of her cheek. Irene also had a 'machine' in which she had no interest in and felt daunted by the very object(s). When Sylvia and Irene first tried to work on the concept of non-snail mail, and work to connect to each other on her machine, it was an awful experience. The waiting was terrible. The concepts were still not understood. The interface failed the two children and Irene quickly returned to brushing her dolls' hair. This 'machine' event that day turned into, "Hey, you know what, wanna go see my horse?" YES. Oh my god, yes please Irene. That was bullshit and weird and strange to Sylvia when this machine was not understood. And of course, Irene having a horse, a real life creature that was majestic as it was forlorn in its keep, was much more poignant and enjoyable.
    But Sylvia, unlike mundane and simple Irene, was not only a curious cat, but like her male guardian, a "fixer." She did not understand it. She knew there was something special about this 'machine,' but why did it not dawn on her? She had to "fix this problem," figure it out, understand it, find the purpose. Study it.
    It was a web of sorts. A World Wide Web. There was an in-between, an interface within the interface. It had to be learned, maneuvered, like driving a car, riding a bike, learning to walk. And there it was, when she saw it, she saw it. The single-fingered tap-taps of her small hand on the keyboard echoed through this very night. It was a weekday. It was summer. That tipping point when she fell through the wormhole and discovered a whole new world felt as if she had found a gem to keep to herself. Little did she know, this gem was not real. On the climb back to reality, she lay in her bed that early morning, hearing the birds beginning to chirp, the blue light of dawn squeeze through. It was Sylvia's first all-nighter, her first intrinsic smile as she looked at a blank ceiling, but that was okay, because she had already discovered something much bigger, much deeper, and much more interesting beyond the glass cage.
    ===================================================================================
    Today I cracked since the first journal entry, and logged into my game. I had uninstalled a lot that day - Steam, minecraft, some other things I don't even know what they were. But I kept the one online game I felt akin to because of the people in it. I know this is one of the hardest things to let go of as well. People did get angry at me for hearing my reasons to quit. Others were supportive. It seemed to not matter though. I know that I have to be mentally prepared to let go of these people, and go out and meet new, real live people. I felt bad logging in when I said I'd uninstall the game. I feel I should do it after I post this but don't have the courage to. I feel scared to. On the other hand, I know I have to because I need to get my work done. I need to live my life like a normal person - do my laundry, clean my room, spend time with my family and friends, remember to drop a line to my family and friends! I have retreated into this awful shell of a cyberchondriac and really felt I cheated myself today when I logged in today.

    I was given access to the net and computer at a young age. I felt freedom and control which I did not have if one could not tell from my writing above. I was raised with very strict 'tiger' parents (LOL). So my addiction wasn't games at first because all i saw was Pinball and Minesweeper at the time, but the internet. I remember sometime through middle school and freshmen year of high school, I discovered a manifesto that resonated with me so strongly, I believe that is where my thought process took a strong turn towards technology, games, chatting, emails, etc.
    Here is the manifesto:

    Silly now. But I believe the movie Hackers also came out around this time or so. That heavily influenced me into computers (which was a good thing) but of course, we all know what that all comes with. 

    It's 4.31am where I am at currently and I suffer from insomnia in trying to process the cutting off of gaming (and possibly the internet or just, surfing and stupid things like that.) So I am going to end this post here and do my best to lie in bed and calm my mind. Think of alternative outlets (that I even already have: art, rock climbing, cooking, etc) that could best serve me in balancing my emotions and focus on GREs and pre-med school.
    Thank you all again for your time to read this and your support. I hope I can support one day as well~

    Sleepily,
    Sylvia
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  9. Leyla added a post in a topic Hi, I'm Leyla, scared, nervous, full of anxiety but NEED TO QUIT GAMES!   

    Heya Kad, Rcontrol, hycniejsy (Mad Pharmacist? is this what i should call you?), Piotr!!
    Thanks for the welcomes~!
    @Dullage: I broke and logged into my game today. I will write more about this in my journal. But i forced myself to not do anything. I did a total of 2 things. Craft lumber, then craft apiece of furniture and put it in my room. Okay that's 3 things. But will go into it in journal. But othe than that, today is Independence Day in my country (USA) so it was a nice break. maybe why i felt slightly bored...
     
    Thanks everyone! I wish we could all talk together somehow , is there some Discord or something for Gamequitters? (yeah, maybe not discord as it was made for games...) but i saw the chat up there, didnt seem used at all.
    Pleased to meet everyone again. Will post in Journal again soon! Please look forward to it.
     
     
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  10. Leyla added a post in a topic Hi, I'm Leyla, scared, nervous, full of anxiety but NEED TO QUIT GAMES!   

    Thanks Cam and Dullage! I will probably work on focusing on the journaling section as I find that an amazing idea and a great start since we're all internet-addicted and always at our pc's i'm sure. But will peruse the site more and hopefully talk more with you and everyone else here. Get some motivation, confidence, support which I am sure there seems to be plenty going around which is comforting, especially for a female coming into this town ~ so thank you!
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  11. Leyla added a post in a topic ????The Fall to LIMBO☆彡 「A Rehab Journal by Sylvia」   

    Thank you so very much Cam, it is highly inspiring how directly interactive and active you are with all of us.
    (●´艸`)。o*тнайк чоц*o。(´艸`○)so so much for this~ (*TーT)
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  12. Leyla added a topic in Daily Journals   

    ????The Fall to LIMBO☆彡 「A Rehab Journal by Sylvia」
    "Negative point eleventeen confidence and motivation to get out of this metaverse."
    said the girl with hair as black as ebony and skin as fair as snow,
    but she was no Snow White.


    "Limbo" by Sylvia C. (Photoshop CC)
    For months now, the homo-sapien lived in the same disarray of a room as it had been for over two years. Perhaps even more since it did not matter where she lived, that chaos and unkempt environment was the comfort of her mind. One would not dare to come upon the use of the words, "mental issues," but if we were all honest, everyone has their sh**. So everyone was a lemming, therefore it was okay she was one too. It was okay that things happened in her life and she was not strong enough to deal with those issues. Everyone said it was okay. Everyone said, "We're only human."
    When did this start? Why could she not stop? Why was it shameful? Why did it feel bad? Why did she attack others who gamed as well? Why? Why? WHY? Having a hypersensitive mind from having anxiety disorder connected everything. Everything was connected to everything was connected to everything. If it was raining, oh it was because it was sunny the day before. Why? Science. No, really, why? Don't ask, I've moved on from that conversation. 
    Sylvia was not a good person. She was not a kind one either. She thought being sharky and over-confident was attractive. Living life carefree and barely finding work was okay. She had enough savings somehow, to burn it all away through weekends of firewater and unsightly mating ritual dances at these places called, 'clubs.' And even then, even after all that 'living' in the real world, socializing and making friends, working on school or trying to discover what was the easiest job to land, even after everything, the metaverse called to her. The urge and craving was not a facade but it was denied on the forefront. Never did she admit to being a gamer in front of anyone, and if one would check every fortnight, one could be sure Sylvia could be found in her single bedroom apartment in the foggiest city of her land, simply dallying around within the metaverse. 

    This was nine years ago.
    This creature- this hominid- not even worthy of being titled an entitiy, had less worth than a meat hog growing on a farm. Even the amount of chemicals and firewater going into her bloodstream would render the hog on a FDA organic level. She was disgusting as a creature. She was disgusting as a human. She was not a good person.
    And she knew this.
    But it was hard to get out. It was oh so easy to stay in the comfort of her living room, single bedroom, and cooking area. Her living mate had moved out in search of a subletter here and there which allowed Sylvia to freely move about and do and act as she wished. There was no one in the world who could tell her to move on, move forward, and make something with her life. She was as good as dead, as good as the men who came back drunk as the oldest story in the book goes, as good as the girls who pretended to simply ask for a light on the corners of 45th, as good as the suits who would walk by you and smile, telling you, "Hey, do you want to go skiing for a pretty penny?" 
    This all could be another sob story but oh, it gets worse. You see, this setup begs for one to question, how or why could she be so comfortable? The questions that dare to be thought, that logic would command to vocalize: "Did she work? How much did Sylvia really game? There are worse people out there, this person simply had a bad hand in life probably. But then not enough of the story has been told. Why was she comfortable and dreadful? The mention of gaming seems hardly relevant at this point. Obviously deeper issues are at hand." 
    Yes, so very correct indeed but the explanation would be to come at a later point. Sylvia was at a cusp of many dark auras and life situations. She would come to experience the consequences of escaping into the metaverse time after time again. She would have to fall. Very very hard. Below rock bottom. Harder than any man can imagine, before reaching up to climb again. This climbing wouldn't move her forward but, it will always be the first step for anyone finding themselves a worthy purpose in life again.
    And so, in the third umbral year of this journey within the disarray of the same room - and no not hell, for even Lucifer would not be compelled to meander through a path as this - in this third year, her guardians forced a hand against her deck. There was much she knew she had to improve, and change, but though this was not a trigger of deeper cravings to stay within the metaverse, this move most certainly propelled her further into escapism. 

    [TBC]

    ==============================
    I know I am weird but I could not bring myself to tell my story or journal in first person. It felt easier talking about this other person... perhaps a lot of people are aware of what I am going through. At the same time, it was very nice to sit here for an hour and work on something different. To write. My hobbies in real life are actually old-school calligraphy, leather-working, and digital painting as you can see above.

    My problem is I blow a lot of steam starting new projects and then get bored and tired quickly and revert to gaming. I hope this does not happen while I am here. It is my biggest weakness and flaw.
    Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you all for also choosing to climb up to live life.
    • 13 replies
    • 218 views
  13. Leyla added a topic in Start Here + Introductions   

    Hi, I'm Leyla, scared, nervous, full of anxiety but NEED TO QUIT GAMES!
    Dear all you awesome people crawling down the same road as little old me... >.< Thank you for being here with me.
    my little blurb on myself is a good nutshell of why i need to quit. But perhaps like everyone here, yes, I need to quit because i WANT to live life... I calculate and imagine how much time we spend sleeping in a year... wow, i have half, give or take, a year to 'live.' Then how much time i spend eating/showering/toileting/working... even LESS time to LIVE. The weekends.. i have my chances there but 'escape' or procrastinate and i'm sure you've all had that saturday where you're trying to be good and NOT play an online game even though you're logged in. To me, I thought that was 'being good.'
     
    Well, I guess here you can call me Leyla and I want to quit gaming. I want to become a doctor or physician's assistant, and I am pretty sure you wouldn't want your doc/PA to be gaming when they're supposed to be learning about the correct symptoms to diagnose and etc. lol~
     
    Nice to meet everyone and thank you ahead of time for the support and I hope I can support everyone else here too. !
    • 9 replies
    • 315 views