Today I have woken up for the first time, after having slept for a total of 21 hours, last couple of days I didn't catch much sleep, two nights ago I slept one hour, and after I slept for 1 hour.. I scratched my feet to barely-not bleeding, the ability to control my actions isn't active when I wake up, and once I start scratching the amount of relive I gain from it, pulls me towards scratching them till till there is nothing left.. it definitely isn't fun writing this down.. I feel like I don't want to be myself, but by thinking like that I am actually causing the proces to start more, then preventing/healing it.
Let me tell a small story, it's about the truth of my affliction, -the scratching- I use my feet to alleviate the frustration of the day, to ´escape´ from the emotions which they give me, however scratching myself is something I find less then okay, thus I feel the need to punish myself for scratching my feet, which leads to me escaping, when I escape into more scratching, or gaming, drugs then this escape is enough for me to forget the past mistake, but... the catch (of course) is that I need more and more to get the same amount of escape every time I use the scratching/thegame as an escape, thus effectively paying a higher price every time,now at some time, the cost is so high, that you have to run away, from the thing that helped you run away, this is what I call depression. Not only do you not get what you need in life, (which is why you ran in the first place) you also don't get even the small joy which running from it gave you. Anyway, for me this has a cycle effect, where there are small circles, and big circles, the small circle represents the escapism mechanism which allows you to ´block-out´ the feelings of shame when you go into the big circle of your escapism tool, for this has also been taking place for many years of my life, the tools were different but the scenario's were identical in nature (e.g don't have friends -> scratch -> tv -> eat too much -> get bullied -> etc) this a end game scenario the part where many years of escaping has taken place, right now, or better said, last 2 years I have been slowly destroying past cycles by realizing the dehabilitating effect on my life. The catch is however, that you can't destroy what has been building up for many years, and you can't mask the sympthons you have to fix the problem. Otherwise you get something which I have been having right now, which is, problem -> scratch -> shame (punishment) -> scratch -> depressed -> scratch, literally a never ending cycle. For a small story I kind of overdid it, but for me this writing this down is a huge step, acknowledgement is the first step in the healing proces. Can't fix if you don't know what is broken, or that it is broken.
Besides that, I have been cycling a lot through the city, thinking while cycling definitely gives me a boost, met with a lot of interesting thoughts again, also thought yesterday for the first time I didn't post, but it's okay, I was really not in the mood for anything, even things way more important then journaling I didn't do, like brushing my teeth. but i am back on my game today, also did my 7, 5 cleaning routine, so made one of my ideals true once more, no fallen bikes I came by, so I didn't have to pick any of those up.
Also bought a pink t-shirt for my preps for a practical pessimism day, those things have helped me a great deal in dealing with my anxiety, they piush me to the limit, then I rest and come back from it with more strength/a more accurate view of my own can's and cants
8 Things I am happy, and one I am not.
1. I ain't happy for bringing too many projects in my life, I end up doing none of them, ...
2. I am happy journalling today
3. feeling good doing the good stuff, cleaning up my city making it a little more beautifull
4. Being my own man, I wear my clothes, ride on my bike, enjoying my time, on my pace.
5. Feeling rested like crazy
6. The silhouette of a plant on my wall, with the setting of the sun.
7. realizing that only small cogs can move bigger cogs.
8. that every man's journey starts with himself, and that everyone has one.
9. acceptance of how foolish I have been, in thinking I knew everything there was to learn.