JustBeingReal

Liked the articles, keep up the good work :thumbsup:

I know it's not my place to give advice, but from what i've noticed from your journal is this: You don't feel urges during working times. You let emotions get the better of you at real low points. Conclusion: You lack high flow activities outside of work. (Flow=Activity with immediate feedback/considerable difficulty/makes you lose track of time/Sense of control) Examples include: Bridge, working out, chess or anything with above features. GL on further journeys my friend! Also... just as a side note, quitting gaming is a big challenge on it's own, to completely erridicate any other ´useless´ or unproductive activities would be completely slanderous. Remember one step at a time is not just a sentence or ´wisdom´, in practice it means not overloading yourself with too many difficult tasks.

Wow, impressive decision to remove your accounts, you should be proud. I really enjoyed the tedX video you posted, and I wish you the best of luck on your journey amigo, may fortune be stacked with you.

I have an interesting question for you kad, If you are missing three people at work and assuming the workload is getting done, does that mean you get paid extra? extra being equilvalent to what the 3 workers extra would cost, divied over the entire team of people working. Seems to me like either your employer is not motivated enough to get the extra workers or he should be seriously considering decreasing the workload. I guess it's kind of how you would treat a system, if it is designed to carry 60 kilograms, and you continuously let it carry the weight of 70-80-90 or even 120 kilograms, it is a matter of time, before the bolts start to crack and shrivel under the pressure, and not only will repairing cost more then simply being safe in the first place, the circumstances as you portray them, even make replacement the very first problem to begin with. To summarize, the employer is putting the problem with the employee's by overloading them, instead of putting the problem with himself, by decreasing the workload till he/she finds the right/proper amount of workers. Not sure if this helps you any or how the situation is, just trying to envision your current scenario. Good luck on the decision, having a plan B ready is crucial to good survival, but maybe there's room for improvements which have not yet been revealed as options. Keep going bro, but remember, gaming was never a true problem to begin with, it was why you did, and what you were trying to escape from with it. As John Bradshaw puts it in the shame that binds us, addiction is only an addiction, when it has life-damaging consequences. Maybe this post is too big I can size it down if you need me to, just say the word. Pce man, keep truckin'

Your drawings are really dark, I feel a bit off after seeing them, slightly upset stomatch too. Even though I don't feel completely well after what I just saw, they are very real and unique I don't feel as if I've ever seen art like this, thanks for sharing. Also you inspired me to make my own art journal, though I don't know if they will be anywhere near as good as yours, my art is still my true expression of emotion, regardless if they are just scratched up lines or whatever Keep up the good work on your drawings, It's nice to see an artist at work

great quote, i really liked it.

Good luck! =]

I really recognize myself in this, as well. Also I think you are absolutely right about easy habbits being easy not to do. Thanks for the insight, I really appreciate it. I'll definitely try out your next podcast (especially curious about the one with military trick)

What I learned: 1. Don't compare yourself to others out or below your league. 2. Never be afraid to try 3. When it comes to habits, even a small amount can be a hastle to maintain. For the rest, I think your journal is a decent read, I think your titles for the podcasts look decent. Good luck

We're here for you man. Cam you are too kind, I might add another essay/article, been delaying one I have been writing too write.. it's one that is kind of.. mpf to write though, kind of confronting for me. Tis about the morality of knowing when too much, is too much and when too little is not enough. It sounds like balance, and it is. But very specific to the distributed or taken amount and what defines a healthy relation between the two extremes, and what the consequences of either side of the extreme are, mpf, who am I kidding, if i was really gonna write it any time soon, I wouldn't be here complaining to you about not writing it.. still thanks for the kindness, i'm just going through, a too rough period right now and I can't breath without thinking of the emotional daggers in my past, just,,, yeah thanks can't do anymore then apologize for being so ungratefull for not staying and comitting to my journaling online.

I am going to take a break from journaling here... I am stuck in a negative loop of scratching myself, and just the time it takes me to break it is frustrating me very greatly, so.. I hope I can recover from it, because I am losing my mind here... which is also why i am taking a break. thanks all for the support, and hopefully I can come back at some time..

I dont get the joke.. Seems you are doing so-so, but I still enjoy reading the journal you do have humor and I can definitely relate and can laugh about the inner thoughts of anguish and irony you have, when you express a frustration or when you have to do some meditation. thanks for the recent journalings bro, been a pleasure to read =3

Ill be missing you bro, give a pm once in a while to show me you're still alive =] all the best, and good luck.

Today I have woken up for the first time, after having slept for a total of 21 hours, last couple of days I didn't catch much sleep, two nights ago I slept one hour, and after I slept for 1 hour.. I scratched my feet to barely-not bleeding, the ability to control my actions isn't active when I wake up, and once I start scratching the amount of relive I gain from it, pulls me towards scratching them till till there is nothing left.. it definitely isn't fun writing this down.. I feel like I don't want to be myself, but by thinking like that I am actually causing the proces to start more, then preventing/healing it. Let me tell a small story, it's about the truth of my affliction, -the scratching- I use my feet to alleviate the frustration of the day, to ´escape´ from the emotions which they give me, however scratching myself is something I find less then okay, thus I feel the need to punish myself for scratching my feet, which leads to me escaping, when I escape into more scratching, or gaming, drugs then this escape is enough for me to forget the past mistake, but... the catch (of course) is that I need more and more to get the same amount of escape every time I use the scratching/thegame as an escape, thus effectively paying a higher price every time,now at some time, the cost is so high, that you have to run away, from the thing that helped you run away, this is what I call depression. Not only do you not get what you need in life, (which is why you ran in the first place) you also don't get even the small joy which running from it gave you. Anyway, for me this has a cycle effect, where there are small circles, and big circles, the small circle represents the escapism mechanism which allows you to ´block-out´ the feelings of shame when you go into the big circle of your escapism tool, for this has also been taking place for many years of my life, the tools were different but the scenario's were identical in nature (e.g don't have friends -> scratch -> tv -> eat too much -> get bullied -> etc) this a end game scenario the part where many years of escaping has taken place, right now, or better said, last 2 years I have been slowly destroying past cycles by realizing the dehabilitating effect on my life. The catch is however, that you can't destroy what has been building up for many years, and you can't mask the sympthons you have to fix the problem. Otherwise you get something which I have been having right now, which is, problem -> scratch -> shame (punishment) -> scratch -> depressed -> scratch, literally a never ending cycle. For a small story I kind of overdid it, but for me this writing this down is a huge step, acknowledgement is the first step in the healing proces. Can't fix if you don't know what is broken, or that it is broken. Besides that, I have been cycling a lot through the city, thinking while cycling definitely gives me a boost, met with a lot of interesting thoughts again, also thought yesterday for the first time I didn't post, but it's okay, I was really not in the mood for anything, even things way more important then journaling I didn't do, like brushing my teeth. but i am back on my game today, also did my 7, 5 cleaning routine, so made one of my ideals true once more, no fallen bikes I came by, so I didn't have to pick any of those up. Also bought a pink t-shirt for my preps for a practical pessimism day, those things have helped me a great deal in dealing with my anxiety, they piush me to the limit, then I rest and come back from it with more strength/a more accurate view of my own can's and cants 8 Things I am happy, and one I am not. 1. I ain't happy for bringing too many projects in my life, I end up doing none of them, ... 2. I am happy journalling today 3. feeling good doing the good stuff, cleaning up my city making it a little more beautifull 4. Being my own man, I wear my clothes, ride on my bike, enjoying my time, on my pace. 5. Feeling rested like crazy 6. The silhouette of a plant on my wall, with the setting of the sun. 7. realizing that only small cogs can move bigger cogs. 8. that every man's journey starts with himself, and that everyone has one. 9. acceptance of how foolish I have been, in thinking I knew everything there was to learn. 10.

-Advice on how to implement positive changes without major stress? Seeing as you are a well read man, and still reading ever more, I am just going to say what I found worked for me, you apply the most stress you can take, then next time you can take a little more, each stressfull moment brings you to a stronger core-self, as moments start to increase where you willfully put yourself in harm's way, you start to increase in conditioning yourself to the new reality of life, that you can handle that which before seemed unconcieveable, because it was unconcieveable. Nobody can deal with major stress, but we can all handle the maximum amount of stress we can take, but getting ourselves to challenge ourselfs/face the facts/daring to fail not once, not twice, but an entire year, and then we cry after 3 weeks, but we don't cry to quit, we cry to get hurt and the pain stimulates us to get a reward from our struggles. Not sure if this helps you, your faithfull follower J.