MmmWatermelon

Hi Misha, welcome to the forum and best of luck to you!

I've been jumping aroune between The Klamath Knot (a book on thoughts about evolution and the natural history or northern California), A Week on the Concord and Merrimack (an earlier book of Thoreau's), and reading Midsummer Night's Dream. Brought the Klamath Knot along on this trip I'm on. The last book I finished reading was Daughter of Persia (a very interesting book that is a memoir of a woman who starter social work programs in Iran and some basic history of Iran since the 20s). Thanks for reading around my journal!

So...I relapsed last week after posting this. My back was especially bothering me and I was feeling kinda depressed and lazy about seeking real solutions to the challenges of everyday life. I ended up downloading Hearthstone on my phone and stayed up late a few times last week. Anyway, things aren't all bad; it is probably fortunate I had this trip with my dad planned because it didn't allow me to wallow and I had other things to do. It's also really nice not having to worry about money and accomodations and such; the only downside is I've been using the fact that being with my dad constantly is pretty challenging to allow myself to keep Hearthstone on my phone and keep playing it a bit at night. It hasn't spiraled out of control or anything but it just makes me miss the successful days of counting since I've been game free Anyway, so far it's been quite a successful trip; we were in Oregon hiking for a few days, despite the whole West Coast being on fire right now and smoke being prevalent; the last 3 days we have been in Rainier National Park and did some awesome hikes: we hiked up Eagle Peak, which involved. 3,300 ft elevation gain hike, then scrambling up rocks off trail using hands and such to get to the top. My dad hung back at the top a bit because he's nearing 60 and didn't feel the need, but I was quite impressed with the shape he's in; since my parents got divorced in the last year, his main distraction has basically been walking 10 or more miles a day, and he's in quite good shape for his age and someone who smoked from when he was 13 until 57...anyway, I managed to get to the peak by doing a bit of palm-sweating rock work above some high ledges and felt quite satisfied with myself. I haven't felt confident enough in my body to do a scramble and hike like this is more than 3 years, and I find it one of the most satisfying feelings in the world. Today we also did a relatively long hike nearing some of the glaciers on Rainier. That place is very special! We've been staying at motels and not camping so far. We may when we meet with my girlfriend later in the week. That got delayed a bit because someone she knew as a child passed away the other week and she went back to Cali for the memorial I've been trying to take advantage of the comfortable motel rooms to do yoga, which has been super helpful. However I'm definitely feeling challenged with my back after these long hikes of the last 2 days. what feels a lot better is that my partner and i have been talking a bunch and connecting a lot better despite the physical distance. We've been talking about an idea to move to Portland in a house with someone we kind of know in November. We have a couple of friends who live there and...I loove mushroom hunting, I wouldn't mind being there for the prime mushroom foraging season we'll see...so far it's mostly an idea but we are both pretty into it! erm I don't know what to do about the Hearthstone...it's so essy to think to myself that I'll just play a little bit here and there and slowly collect cards without thinking of it too much...but past experience shows it always spirals out of control and I realy think if I'm going to make a big step like move to Oregon with my partner I better plant good seeds.So asoff this post I'm officially back on the abstinence wagon. That goes for online chess too this time...I have a book with me I'll read instead tomorrow. Ok so I made it 46 days, let's start the counter over and try for more Gratitude: - relaxing yoga - eggs - hiking in Mt Rainier Natl Park - hanging out with my dad and not going insane...all the time - continuing to do fun summer things - having fun conversations with my partner - looking forward to seeing her in a few days

Day 46 - halfway through the 90 day mark...the past week has been good and full. I went to work in the summer camp kitchen Thursday - Sunday and saw some old friends as well as met some fun new people. I'm in the Bay for today and two more days then will go work for another four days. It's hard work, but it is punctuated with a lot of fun and silliness and dips in an amazing river that helps one relax and feel able to do it all over again. Also, unlimited food working in the kitchen isn't bad for a few days...heh. I felt somewhat challenged at a few times times by back pain mostly, I had a few moments when I had to make myself slow down a bit and stretch because I have been used to working myself pretty hard in this kitchen. I also feel much stronger today though after these past couple of weeks that have involved a lot of hiking, swimming, and working. Gotta just keep making sure I pause and let my body rest between all the constant activity. The one thing that weighs on my heart a bit right now is feeling some uncertainty about my current relationship. I've been constantly meeting new people and sometimes girls I feel attracted to. It's been a reminder of how much fun it can be to have even the potential of short flings with girls (even if 90% of the time they don't happen...). I wish I could feel 100% devoted to this relationship but I can't say that I feel so in my heart honestly, it's been too easy to focus on what I am missing out on by being committed to a single partner. I tried to have a talk about this last night with my girlfriend, but it was mostly painful for her to hear, and didn't help resolve what I am feeling. I don't know why I feel like having physical intimacy with people is so important to me in feeling emotionally close to them, maybe it just speaks to an inability to feel fully connected with people in just a friendship context. This feels like something that runs pretty deeply for me and I don't think I'm going to be able to just resolve it today or tomorrow. Perhaps I just need to focus on friendships more. I find myself more easily connecting to women than guys a lot of the time and many of my closest friends are women. I mistrust "gangs of guys" that seem to act all macho and full of testosterone and rather seek company in which I feel like I can feel free to be vulnerable if called to, which usually ends up being women, but there is also a handful of guy friends I can feel that way around. Anyway, it may feel easier to be in this relationship if I am actually living with my girlfriend again when she is done traveling; I really enjoyed the day to day stuff that usually happens when living together like cooking, sleeping in the same bed, being able to talk about our day etc. I don't usually feel distracted by crushes on other girls when that is happening. It's just hard being uncertain about the future and I Guess when that happens I go back to other patterns of relating to other people and. Anyway, I am also planning on going on a roadtrip with my dad in about a week when I am done with work and he's on vacation. We will go up through Oregon and Washington and visit some national parks and other wilderness areas. We'll probably also meet up with my girlfriend in Washington and also camp with her for a few days. I don't feel the closest with my dad, mostly because I feel like he has a hard time listening and he's usually pretty caught up in his own stuff. He and my mom just divorced in the last half year and he just moved to his own place in the past week so it is an especially hard time for him. I'm not sure how I feel about everything myself, I've mostly been ignoring it since I haven't seen them much and I'd rather not dwell on it. I hope this trip won't be too challenging...I could see it go either way. I think being around him may bring out a lot of anger from within me...we'll see...I guess I'll give another chance to hanging out with him. After this trip I should have a bit more work at the summer camp for a few eeks also, which is nice; didn't get the croissant bakery job I interviewed for but I kind of didn't want it anymore anyway. It seemed like more commitment and less flexibility than what I thought at first. Grateful for: - - summer swimming in rivers - feeling like my muscles are stronger - being able to do more challenging things and feeling little to no real anxiety - getting to play chess on the board I made with my friend a few days ago

Thanks, BigPete, and you as well in whatever your pursuits are right now! Day 39 It's been a very magical last 48 hours! I continued working hard to save a bit of money and made my goal of putting $500 or so in my savings account by the end of last week week. Finished job app, yep...so I will follow up in a week or so-ish. Also successfully got food stamps which is a big plus for saving more money and feeling less stressed. I allowed myself to relax a good chunk of Saturday and went to the beach, though it was foggy, and still warm, as it often is in this part of California in the summer. I worked more that afternoon for a bit, then decided to check out a hot springs nearby I hadn't been to in a few months. It is a tidal one, that is only exposed at the most extreme lower tides, usually around the new moon or full moon. The window of opportunity is small so usually a very regular crowd converges at the same time. The tides were at 4AM Sunday morning, and 5AM Monday morning, so I slept in my car Saturday night nearby and had a magical morning there. I made some friends at the hot springs and later joined a group to play a fantastic game of ultimate frisbee on a nude beach nearby, fun, fun : ) Best frisbee I've played in a long time, if not ever, and it felt so freeing to be able to take random dips in the ocean while running around naked. I'm glad to know this is a thing, since I've missed having regular friends to play frisbee with, I will definitely be going back! Another dip this morning, the springs was packed of naked folks, it being a bit later morning today, and as a fun aside I also had my moment of glory as a small time hero by recovering somebody's iphone that had fallen down a tight deep crack amongst beach boulders. After several people tried and one girl got stuck trying, I gave it another shot and managed to find it with some effort and squeezing I got a lot of accolades and a free breakfast out of it. A bunch of us hotspringers headed up a mountain nearby to try to escape the perpetual coastal fog and see the eclipse after breakfast. We caught glimpses of it through moving fog pockets, which I thought was actually really nice because it allowed us to see the outlines clearly and the fog sort of acted like eclipse glasses. Lots of people had the same thought as us and the road was swarmed, it was a really fun and also seemingly freeing experience for all the people involved. I headed back to town to shower and shave, clean off my hot springs stench and had a job interview for a croissant bakery. I thought it went decently, though I felt I came off as a bit tense. Just need to send them references tomorrow morning... While writing this a girl from the hot springs invited me out for a cider. I think if I were single I'd have a bit of a crush on her, but she was just plain very interesting to talk with so I'll try to get to know her as a friend (she knows I have a partner etc.). I'll just joke with my girlfriend that I went on a date while she was out of town for a few weeks : ) Looking forward to working for four days later this week at a summer camp I used to work at. It'll be a nice change of pace from driving around the city and to reconnect with an old community I haven't been in much contact with for the last two years. Grateful for: - friendly and welcoming California hippies - feeling alive - having recent experiences that are making me think a lot and challenge my perspectives - making some friends just a few days after I wrote that I wanted more socializing - soaking in hot water, and swimming in cold water - frisbee fun

Day 35 Thanks Mettermrck for all your encouragement I felt a lot better today, camping in the woods and reading at night was pretty relaxing. I accomplished all my goals for today, except shaving (will do tomorrow, mainly I want to be able to easily shave on Monday before my interview by removing my hefty beard a few days ahead, have kinda been meaning to go back to a shaved look already, so I figure this is good timing). Got a new card so I was able to Doordash for a few hours and had easy \ no-problem deliveries and decent tips, nice. I just submitted my application just a quarter an hour before the library closes so I am ready to make my way to bed. I also had a chance to go for a splash in a creek nearby with some interesting pools. Some kids were there in wetsuits sliding down the polished rocks between the couple of various pools, so I joined them a bit and they included me in their game : ) Goals for tomorrow: - shave, probably - work a bunch more - look for some more jobs - go to social security office to have a meeting with my case manager, making sure my insurance continues and renewing food stamps; thisll be helpful for my financial woes if it works out - think about some social activities, kinda lonely with my partner out of town for so long!

Day 34: Ugh I've been in a terrible / irritable mood and feeling depressed for much of the past couple of days. I feel like everything is going upside down. I wasn't really enjoying staying at my friend's student house; his mom is in the hospital and had just received the news she is terminally ill the other day so he has of course been gone much of the time. I enjoyed the time I got to spend with him and had some good conversation but I felt awkward walking around his house with 20ish other people I didn't know; sometimes this might not be a problem and I've been there and even enjoyed chatting with people but I feel like such a ball of stress right now: my mind is churning with trying to figure out the fact that I don't have a home to live in, very little money, trying to accomplish some basic goals of job applying and saving a little money doing DoorDash but I can't seem to destress and just relax at all the last few days. I went for a longish hike yesterday then did an hour of yoga. I guess that was the most relaxed I felt and was doing decently but then in the afternoon I started getting hungry and felt awkward about using the coop's kitchen so I instead sat in my friend's room by myself watching a movie, playing a bit of chess, randomly browsing the web. I avoided going into the kitchen until it was late at night so many people weren't around. I was listening to people having an intelligent conversation in the room next to me and just felt very left out...I started comparing myself to these people who are graduate students, younger than me, seem intelligent and seeing myself as a failure, in my early 30's and not having my shit together whatsoever. I even watched some let's plays to kill time because I was miserably hungry but afraid that if I got out and engaged with people my frustration at my situation would just bubble out and people would take it personally. I seriously feel like I cannot have a good human conversation right now because of stress and my mind being so preoccupied and that is just creating more stress...hah. Anyway, I had designated yesterday a rest day because I was stressed out working and my back was hurting from driving so much. At least the hike and yoga went well, but not sure how really restful it was otherwise. Today I decided to leave there because I was afraid I'd just relapse with gaming if I stuck around in that awkward situation and my friend wasn't coming back anymore before leaving on a trip. I went back to DoorDashing in the late morning, my back feeling better and while I'm waiting for an order to be ready in the restaurant, I was doing a crossword puzzle in my car; something I picked up somewhere so I'd have something to do while waiting and not automatically go to my phone. An old guy parks next to me and like HITS my car with his door then loudly complains to me through my open window that I hadn't parked properly. I think people normally think of me as a pretty mellow guy but I kind of fucking lost it inside. I asked him in an annoyed voice that if he didn't think he had enough room to get out, why the hell didn't he park in one of the literally HUNDREDS of open spots in the parking lot that is mall size, but chooses instead to park there and just HIT my door? Sure I was parked with one side of my car over one of the double lines of the spot, but there is literally an open uncrowded parking lot before his eyes. I sat fuming, reparked so I wouldn't have to see him again, then very seriously contemplated rubbing a bunch of wasabi or soy sauce from the food order I was picking up on his door handle, but decided I'd try to let it go. Though I didn't in my mind really. Anyway, I took a break and went to the library to look at job applications. Found a job that interests me in a national park on the East Coast, but I feel like I can't shake this feeling of anger of frustration that is sitting on my chest. And it doesn't all have to do with this guy earlier today, I'm not sure where it's all coming from. This application is due in two days, it would be a pretty much dream job for me at this time but it does sound physically demanding, like I may not be qualified enough, and it would involve relocating. I have a really hard time JUST APPLYING to jobs without thinking endlessly about them to begin with. I feel like while applying I'm spending more time fantasizing about all the possible scenarios that could arise in my life than actually focusing on the task at hand of just sending a darned resume. Anyway, I later went back to DoorDashing and I realized I had lost my credit card they give me to pay for the food orders. I didn't need it for the morning work so I had probably lost it at my friend's house while doing laundry. It is a far drive and most likely I'll have to go get a replacement one when DoorDash offices are open, which is also a far drive. This frustrated me further because I wasn't able to work tonight AND I'M JUST SO FRUSTRATED WITH...EVERYTHING...RIGHT NOW...ARGHHHHH. I think I need to find a new therapist..., I am not finding an adequate amount of constructive ways to vent right now Update: I continued working on this latest job application; it involved a pretty time consuming questionnaire and I will have to put together a cover letter. I feel pretty good about my resume and I feel like my degree is perfectly relevant to the job, but they unfortunately require either some graduate level courses or a year of field experience in a similar job. I have some volunteer experience that is relevant and hopefully I can argue in a cover letter that I'd be qualified. I feel a bit better about doing something productive. I also have an interview on Monday for a part time job at a bakery which would be something to tide me over until I find a more serious job, without needing to do DoorDashing all day long :\ Goals for tomorrow: - shave - drive to DoorDash office to pick up a new credit card - finish and submit this job application - probably work some DoorDashing in evening if time allows - go splash in the creek if time allows to relax

Hi, I also had a lot of trouble falling asleep \ just keeping a regular sleep schedule for a while while detoxing the first times. What helped me personally at first was Yoga Nidra guided relaxations: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIl-HUHbxEI (more free recordings on yoganidranetwork.org if it tickles your fancy). Keep on it, you're doing great!

Hi Tom, learning to control your emotions has to do with allowing yourself to feel them, not ignoring or burying them. We can learn over time and through patient practice that we don't need to run away from or act our intense emotions, as painful as they may seem. A practical way to relieve stress and anger that is built into our bodies: crying and laughing. When we are caught up in anger, we have thoughts about wanting to hurt something or someone and maybe ourselves. Ultimately anger hurts ourselves either way and we may regret acting it out on others. Ask yourself what the emotional pain is really about, and let yourself feel it. It may feel intense, but you may end up "crying it out" and be free to move on from it. Rather than let that pain steep in your body and mind, ask yourself what is really behind it? When this person said hurtful things to you, she is not the source of stress and anger, but that is the response you are choosing to the situation at hand. Being an "addict" may be a small part of you (and all of us) but it is not the whole you and how much you choose to continue identifying with that idea is up to you. Choosing to identify less and less I think is similar to the idea of "giving yourself permission" to stop gaming, as Cam mentions in his TED talks. As humans, we all have many parts and identities that make us up, some of which are painful and shameful and some of which we are proud of. Just like I'm sure you have parts of you that you are proud of. Of course we want our friends and people we are in relation with to acknowledge and strengthen our positive parts, so it would be painful for someone you consider close to talk to you in the way this person did, essentially reopening a fresh wound. It may not feel like we have a choice when our emotions are so built up and immediately reactive, but I think it is an empowering perspective to realize you could respond differently in a way that feels satisfying. If you consider this person a close friend, ask yourself, would a close friend say hurtful things that she did? Maybe she was temporarily angry because of the situation at hand and wouldn't normally. In that case, you can maybe relate to her in the way that you feel angry yourself now. Or maybe she has something to gain by you being an addict and feeling better about herself and doesn't have anything to gain by you moving on. Something to ask yourself, I obviously don't know either of you! The moments of stress and challenge are the moments you learn to let go of using gaming to deal with that. That is the response we've all learned to cope with emotions and of course you naturally want to bury those feelings, which feels like it's worked in the past...I can say from personal experience that every time I go through a detox a lot of buried emotions come to the surface and my emotions just feel more intense in general. But emotions can be a great source of strength, they're not just "stuff to deal with," once you learn what they are trying to tell you about what you want in your life. Keep on it!

Good advice Mettermrck, I've been practicing Yoga Nidra, which is essentially a guided relaxation / meditatiin while lying down, most often at night or when the need arises. It works better for me than sitting meditation because sitting for too long often causes me back pain. To answer your question about Doordashing, it is...similar to Grubhub and a bunch of other services that have popped up in recent years, kind of like Uber for food. Restaurants that don't have their own delivery system often use it. I pick it up from the restaurant and deliver the food to people's homes. It can be quite expensive for them; as a dasher I get paid a flat fee per delivery ($5 normally, up to $7 during lunch and dinner hours) plus tips. It is pretty decent in my area, I make $20 / hour semiregularly. It works well for me personally rather than Uber because I have an old, beat up two car door that doesn't qualify for Uber...but food doesn't care! SO! Day 30 of this streak. Feels good saying that. i've been gone since my last post nearly, on a roadtrip with my girlfriend. We visited some friends in Sacramento on the way, then did a lot of hikes and hot springing / camping in Eastern California. I spent as much money as I made during the days before the trip. I feel in better shape from doing some long-ish hikes at high elevations, and like my sense of possibility feels increased. I had a few minor anxiety episodes during this trip, usually in crowded, fast paced restaurants right after some really serene, quiet mountain environments that made it seem a little too shocking and surprising to be in a super high-sensory environment right after, but I managed to just stay present with the anxiety sensations without running away, recognizing them for what they were. My anxiety is severely impacted by gaming, and feels largely manageable when I feel like I've put some time between my last binging session and the present. The trip was mostly awesome, though challengining, and just a bit soured at the end by having an argument with my partner while on our way back to the Bay. She's going travelling for at least a few weeks or longer and we aren't sure where either of us will be living in the fall. I think we managed to patch things up somewhat before she left, but I was being hard on myself yesterday for saying some dumb things. been doing lots of doordashing yesterday and today. Grateful ive been getting good tips. My sister came to visit for a few hours earlier today and we had a nice packed lunch at a waterfall we walked to, that was very nice. Im staying with a friend from tomorrow night until Wednesday, which I am excited for having my own room to do some good stretching and a bed to sleep in for the first time in a while. whoo day 30!!

Friday, Day #15: I've been working a lot doing DoorDashing these last three days to make a bit of money and feel like I could go on this trip with my partner. I ended up making a few hundred dollars, taking breaks and such here and there. Today I got kinda stressed / tense by the evening from sitting /driving so much and whirling around from place to place, plus trying to plan for the trip ahead. I quit a bit before I was planning to and went to our friend's house we are leaving from in the morning and just did a super relaxing hour of slow yoga (a favorite audio file). I felt chill enough to pack and organize what I needed for the trip afterwards and hung out with some friends in the evening. Still feel a bit like my nervous system is a bit overamped but I feel good about how I've been doing these past couple of days and happy about the amount of money I feel like I can use for this trip now.

Edit: Tuesday 7/25/17 up to Day#12 since latest relapse. Things have been going really well, for the most part. My partner / lady friend came back into town after vacationing with her sister and we spent the last week doing a lot of fun things: beach, going swimming at a lake in the forest where I saw an otter swimming nearby us, and we picked thimble berries, we went to a hot springs, and on a camping trip with friends of her co worker on the Russian River for a few days of more swimming and a super fun canoe ride up the river one afternoon. I'm really grateful I've been having a full week of what I think summer is all about: playing in water and sun and eating summer fruit (including watermelon, yummm). Last year I was upset with myself because I had spent the summer indoors basically gaming with few exceptions, this is way better : ) Yesterday I also went to the woodshop where I've been hanging out now and again to work on the chessboard I started a while ago. I basically finished the board minus some oiling and fine sanding and I turned out my first three pawns on the lathe!! I already felt like I got a bit more comfortable with the lathe in the process. They MOSTLY look alike aka "artisanal." The wood lathe is super fun. The downside to these good times is I'm pretty broke (though I spent almost nothing except food and gas for this fun vacation), I have less than $500 in my bank, yikes! My back & shoulders have been bothering me quite a bit from canoeing and lathe work, which is quite physical and involves standing and bending over. What I've missed most in these nomadic couple of weeks is a quiet private room to retreat to with a yoga mat and do some super slow relaxing yoga. It's hard for me to relax completely without having my own little nest to retreat to. I just spent some time at the library applying to a part time job; I was trying to do DoorDashing today but was getting no food orders so I gave up on it. I hope to work a bunch this week and hopefully make some money and then next week join my partner on a camping trip to some hot springs in Eastern California; it would be fun if I felt a bit less stressed about finances / had more of a plan because she'd like to go to some places I spent time in 2-3 years ago when I worked at a summer camp in that area and she hasn't been there at all before, so I'd love to show her these spots. Some of the times during this past week I've definitely gotten intense cravings to game, especially when I'm at the library. I was even tempted to download the latest game I was playing today, even looked at the website. I just reminded myself that now it's about two weeks since I've gamed and I wouldn't have been able to do all these fun things if I had been in binging mode. Sometimes I experienced a lot of contrasting lows / highs in my moods. The lows I sometimes attributed to craving the dopamine rushes and sometimes to just my general depression / anxiety that is more chronic and pops up now and then. Just keep on trying my best I suppose... We have been staying with friends in two different places in my partner's old neighborhood when we weren't camping this last week. I'm going to stay in the woods again for the next couple of days on my own and looking forward to having some alone time actually to hopefully rejuvenate whatever parts of me need that. Take care everyone, hope your days are filled with things that bring you joy and gratitude!

Thanks for the encouragement Mettermrck! The last threr days, especially the last two have gone quite well! I rallied myself on Wednesday and went to the North Bay, where I had before seen a spot I thought would be nice to camp in. I think I'd like to just spend some days intermittently sleeping outside between staying with ftiends; summer is lovely in this part of California and it basically never rains until September or so. Got to my spot a few hours before sunset Wednesday, about a mile off the road and felt like I could finally relax and disconnect from technology. The next day I hiked back out in the late morning and went to get groceries, took a shower in the previous therapists office building (felt a bit funny doing this, she retired about a month ago and I had noticed how there are showers in some of the bathrooms, since I figured it wouldn't bother anyone, there being a bunch ot bathrooms, and publicly accessible, I took advantage of this). Later on I went to the library to send some emails and charge my phone; was tempter to play a bit just from being on my computer but i stayed focused. In the late afternoon and early evening i worked some driving for doordash and made decent money from getting good tips all night. I hiked back in to my campsite just as it was getting dark and spent a few hours reading. Today I sleptma bit in and relaxed and read a bit where I'm camping. In the early afternoon I hiked out, bought some soup, and decided to spend the afternoon at a local nude beach since my back was hurting a bit and waking / lying on sand always helps a bit. It's also a gorgeous beach called Black Sands. I had a whole section of beach to myself (the nude part, kinda only locally known, involves walking over some small cliff so is kinda remote and with some very cool rock formations. Water temp in the ocean was amazing, the sun was blazing so I spent a few hours splashing around, lying in the sun, eating melon and stretching. In the evening worked again a few hours and made good money again. Two great days! Im getting a bit lonely after camping by myself so I was trying to make some plans with friends in Berkeley tomorrow night, or at the very least ill go dancing there tomorrow night. ps: also very grateful there are tons of ripe blackberriea along the trail to my camp so ive been munching them for breakfast. Time to head back now before it gets dark, I do know a mountain lion was spotted in this area in the spring

Ok so I went to the East Bay from Santa cruz the previous night to pick up some stuff from a friend and ended up staying with him in a guest room. I sadly stayed up all night playing games because it was so comfortable and I was by myself...I think as a way of coping with my anxiety and stress about not having a stable place to live and hopping around so much from friend to friend. I also stayed here most of the day today and binge gamed...back to day #0! : ( I just deleted everything I had installed game-wise cause I really need to get my act together. Gahh!!

Days 2-5 Day 2: I hung out at my sister's for most of the day, went to the pool and stretched some, took a nap. In the evening I went to my friend's in Santa Cruz and we cooked a taco dinner with another friend of hers. It was delicious but sadly her friend got rather drunk after drinking most of a bottle of wine we were having and was a little loud at night. I learned over the next few days he's got some issues and she is mostly letting him stay in her apartment because he doesn't have any options right now but she might be getting ready to kick him out...had a good time with her though! Didn't do any gaming this day. Day 3: hung out in Santa Cruz and took my friend's four month old puppy to the off-leash beach nearby, which was fun. Lots of people and other dogs were giving him attention since he's super cute. Played in moderation a couple of games maybe totalling 20 minutes then made myself quit. Also had some productive time in the afternoon looking at some outdoor internships, though I found a lot of resistance was coming up while doing this and urges to game. In the evening we had some chili and all watched a kinda cool silent movie. Friend's friend was kinda drunk and obnoxious but did my best not to take it personally. He doesn't do well at night it seems. Day 4-5: helped my friend take care of some chores and walked her dog, cleaned her porch (she's disabled and needed help with some stuff around the house). Her friend was sober and mostly silent and then gone on the last day, which was nice and allowed for some more quality time with my friend. On Tuesday evening I cooked a big pot of chicken tortilla soup which was appreciated and made me feel I'd done something good that day. On the last day I was talking to my friend about gaming and how she also plays some games like Civ sometimes (though in moderation and seems like she hasn't played in a while). I ended up showing her a Civ-like game for a couple of hours which I rather used to like so poop on the detox : ) but at least I spent is socially / largely watching her play. Grateful: - I've been recuperating sleep the last couple of days, and feel a lot better because of it - Got to reconnect with a friend I hadn't seen in a few months and help her out by talking about her situation with her drunken friend - Got to meet her puppy and spend a lot of time with him, as well as her two cats which were also a blast - Lots of healthy and delicious food the last few days

Day #1 So today went ok as far as days go after a day of binge gaming. The cravings are real but I've learned by now they get a lot better in a few days. I don't sleep great while binge gaming so I've just felt super tired today. Grateful that my partner was in town to drop off some stuff at her parents house, which happens to be near, and we hung out for some time eating food, went to the community pool for a couple hours and splashed around and played in the sun. My body doesn't feel great and it's telling me I haven't been taking care of it (mostly not sleeping great, at least I haven't been eating a bunch of sugary things!). I spent most of the day cleaning my sister's apartment since she just got back from being out of the country in the evening. I called up a couple of friends and I've got a plan of staying with a friend in Santa Cruz for a night or two. So the game I've been really into lately and playing unstoppably is one called Faeria...it's got some similarities with Hearthstone but is also played on a board, which I suppose appeals to my chess playing side. Today wasn't completely game free, I just played a single game that lasted about 10 minutes then shut it off. I'd honestly be happy if I could keep playing in moderation, but it has never seemed to work for me... Goals for tomorrow: - maybe spend at least an hour or something starting to think about places to live / work I could be applying for. - download some music onto my phone from a band on bandcamp I really like - send an e-mail reply to an awesome person who recommended me some books and recommend some books to her as well Grateful for: - there was some kind of event organized in my sister's apartment complex for which people were handing out free bbq food - splashing around in the pool - partner bringing me treats like pie she made with blackberries she picked; summer...

Day #0 again (for the like nth time ) Hi GameQuitters, Watermelon here again... So I didn't keep up with my journal on here a couple of months ago when I last posted and I generally haven't been even looking at the forum much. I haven't been relapsing as bad as I was back then (until very recently again! guess that's why I am back!). For April, May, and June I probably had several relapses that lasted a couple days each and then I kept getting myself out of it and so on...kind of an up and down cycle. Some things have gone quite good, and a few things I'm particularly proud of that have happened in recent months are: - I've mended things with my girlfriend and we have been on good terms and spending a lot of time together; we've had some good adventures lately - I went on a week and a half trip to the French part of Canada (shoutout Cam) with my dad and sister, visiting some old family friends from Romania as well as a distant aunt who shares a great grandparent with my dad. She was funny and full of stories, it was nice. Our family friends have a 7 year old I really enjoyed spending time with. It was really challenging for me to spend so many days without having alone time whenever I wanted it, and also walk around lotsa touristy placed all the live long day, AND I DID IT! Hooray! - Something I was particularly happy with recently, which I finalized the other night was replacing my own failing starter motor on my Honda Civic. My car basically has had trouble starting for the last month or so and I did some Internet research and such to figure out how to replace my own starter motor. It only cost me about $160 to get a remanufactured motor (and I'll get $30 of that back once I turn in the old one) whereas getting it changed at a Honda shop would've cost somewhere between $500-$700. And it was really fun, like Legos for adults! Even though I think this is an easy thing for someone who knows about cars, it was definitely the most advanced car mechanicking I've done on my own! - Learning how to use a wood lathe a little bit at the wood shop Ok, so some things are going well, but...lotsa things are challenging and stressful right now! Like I said, I've been relapsing a bit harder recently, specifically in the last two weeks or so. Lotsa things are transitioning right now and I'm feeling really stressed out...my partner has left her job and is going traveling; her housing, which is also the place where I spent like 2/3 of my time was subsidized by her work so that means it isn't available for me anymore either. Within just a few days of that my buddy whose boat I have been living on the other 1/3 of the time called me to tell me he had sold it on the spot b/c he had gotten a good cash offer and he has my stuff in his room to pick up! Thankfully I've been staying at my sister's apartment for the last ten days or so, while she is out on vacation, anyway, but she's coming back into town tonight and to be honest I don't have much of a plan of where I'm even living beyond the next night or two! I've also been spending more money than I've been making the last two months or so and I've been slowly whittling down on my savings... What feels worse right now though is that instead of using this time wisely at my sister's in a relatively relaxed and easy environment while she's out of town, I've been gaming hardcore again, rather than figuring out sleeping arrangements with friends, or looking for work, or figuring out my stuff at all...I've been so stressed about it that I guess it's been easy to run away from dealing with it and go into gaming mode. So now it's all coming to a head and I've left myself with dealing with everything at the last minute as my sister is coming back into town. Well, I'm gonna have to take a step back and tell myself I'll figure it out...I've been pretty resourceful so far and basically living without paying rent for the last 9 months...it's gonna be hard dealing with my girlfriend not being around as much because she has been such a huge support for me...but thankfully she is only going on small trips here and there for part of the summer but she will also be around sometimes. Anyway, looking back over the last year, it has been nearly a year since I started my most serious 90 day detox to date. If I look over that year as a whole, it has been in the times when I've chosen to do real things with my time and try my best that I have had the most memorable times, and felt best...it's easy to keep thinking "oh, if only I'd had stayed away from games in that time period, and that time period etc., think of how much more I could have accomplished...." So I guess with that mindset, today's as good a day as any to start over again, for the sake of the future... I think one reason I've decided to post again is because with leaving my girlfriend's neighborhood, I also feel like I lost my most meaningful community in my life, between her and our housemates, and the neighbors. I've been doing lots of journaling on paper, probably more consistently than ever before, but I think I might need to come back to the GQ forum for the time being mostly for the sake of community!

Day 2 Re-Detox So today went well, I slept a lot and feel like my flu got a lot better, the cough isn't as bad and generally felt a bit more energized. I went and got myself some soup for lunch and also bought some groceries. I had a long hour and a half phone conversation with my girlfriend and we talked through a lot of difficult things, and I think things will be ok between us, though admittedly we have some things to work on. We're gonna plan on hanging out Monday and see how things go. I worked a bit of on cleaning stuff in the boat afterwards and I'm doing a bit of a sanding \ varnishing project for my friend in exchange for staying on his boat, in small steps. I did a bit of varnishing today but just for a bit since it started raining. In the evening I I hung out with two friends and had tea \ dinner, we had some good soul talk and they want to help do what they can to support me in kicking this addiction and also minimizing this relapse. It is such a huge thing for me to be able to talk to close friends about this now...I didn't even imagine being able to do that except with women I was in romantic relationships with before GameQuitters and felt close enough to be vulnerable. What I am finding though is that friends can be very supportive, understanding, and also that everyone can relate with going through difficult times and coping in unhealthy ways, even if that doesn't mean gaming for everyone personally. We also sang a bunch together since one of my friends has been working on his guitar a lot lately and likes to sing with others which was really fun. Quote of the day: "If not now, when?"

Day 1 of Re-Detox (since we love counters on this forum ) So, hello there, it's been about two months to the day since I have posted on here! Things unfortunately aren't going too well right now and I've been having what's been my most serious relapse for sure in the last six months that has lasted a week or so. Argh, I am feeling really, really shitty about this and something's gotta give : ( So what's been happening? The last five months, after I had more or less completed an initial 90 day detox have been a different chapter in my life filled with its own joys and challenges. I finally managed to get healthy enough to trust that I could support myself and left my parents' house whilst they were in the middle of divorcing, quasi moved in with an old girlfriend I rekindled a relationship with and also living part time on a friend's boat. I've managed to save some money through math tutoring and living frugally and that has somewhat relieved my stresses related to finances at least for the immediate moment. I have had some occasional relapses for a few days here and there once or twice a month playing too much online chess or even downloading a couple of old DOS games in all honesty but spending so much time with my girlfriend it had been a lot easier to get back on track and not get too caught up in it for very long. I've done at least a bit of reconnecting with old friends, though I still have a lot of work to do in the way of socializing when it isn't easy and convenient to do it through my partner, since we have a lot of common friends it mostly ends up that way. Anyway this last month has been kind of rough because I've basically just had a flu for like a month or so : ( I was first sick for two weeks, then got better for like 2-3 days, then felt sick again for a week, then better again for a week or so even going camping, and now I have been really sick again. It's really messed with me a lot since I had just started physical therapy appointments and chiropractic appointments and I wasn't able to go because of just having severe coughing fits, fever, etc so much. I've also had to cancel a lot of tutoring appointments and other times I was just hacking hacking in the library feeling kinda dumb for two hours, bleh :\ I felt like the physical therapy was maybe starting to help things with my back so it is frustrating that this had to come up, as well as making it hard to get any proper exercise. The worst of it though (and unfortunately this one my choice...) is that I started creeping in more and more online chess into my daily routine while spending so much time at home and eventually some (seemingly innocent) old dos games. It became almost a kind of an excuse to myself: "I am so sick, what else am I gonna do, I'll just do this for a few days until I feel better." About a week ago I had an argument with my girlfriend because we had talked about how I am trying to work at getting over these habits completely and she does not want me using the space of her home to just support these addictions. This was after I had been up all night playing Master of Orion for like 2 days. I even lied to her and told her I had fallen asleep on the couch rather than admit I had been gaming. So she asked me to leave her home until I could use it in a respectful way as I HAD agreed before; yes I guess I basically went back on my word from before. So yeah, the last week exactly since last Thursday night I have been staying on the boat on my own and it's been binge-fest most of the time except for maybe 1-2 days when I was trying to do yoga, go on walks, etc. to clear my head. I guess I've just been feeling so shitty about letting down this person I love and not sure where exactly we are headed together since we haven't even spoken since that time a week ago . I think...this really struck a chord also because it really brought out something I had been feeling already and was kind of bothering me, namely that I felt too codependent on my partner and her supportive home environment...not sure if I'd be able to function properly if left to my own devices. I'm unfortunately doing way too much to prove myself right during this past week : ) I suppose whether this relationship will continue or not is irrelevant to the fact that I need to be functional and stop this compulsive gaming. I need to be doing my best to take care of myself whether on my own or not since my health is very significantly affected by my actions... So what is my plan of action...? -First of all I need to get my sleep schedule on track. What a horrible mean thing to do to myself to not get proper sleep when I am feeling ill but be gaming instead! -Second, I need to work on a serious clean up of my boat kitchen and make it a pleasant and proper place to prepare healthy meals. This is really important to me and my feeling of well being. It's some extra work compared to a conventional kitchen so I can't be lazy about it. I've at least done a thorough cleanup of the bathroom sink area and the carpet to make it more pleasant to do stretches on the floor (also have a yoga mat). I also need a new electric water heater since the old one broke and warm tea and hot water for a water bag is important on this boat exposed to the elements (it's a cold rainy night tonight for example and I sure wish I had a hot water bag!) -There's this cool job opening literally across the street working with kids doing carpentry projects. Maybe this could be up my alley, I think it is a summer gig so maybe I could apply to keep my options open if I want to end up staying in the area. I'd like to still apply to the backcountry ranger position I've mentioned in the past, still haven't sent an application yet. -Meditate, yoga every day instead of game and play online chess -I'll try to post on here daily to track my progress. I've been really noticing how I keep telling myself "ok delete all this shit and don't play it again" and it's really easy for my motivation to waiver. I think this forum has been really helpful with that in the past so I will lean on it again, since I've been feeling really lonely in this last week of relapsing... -try to mend this relationship, which mostly involves mending things with myself -stop ignoring friends who are being kind enough to reach out to me knowing I'm having a hard time

Day 187 Whoa, I didn't post on here for all of January so here I am! Let's see...what's been happening in January? I'll try to summarize: I've been continuing to work as math tutor with a few regular students week-to-week. I'm spending little, and paying no rent \ using food stamps so I'm able to save most of it, but I am still looking for a couple of more students to work more hours (meeting a new student in a few days), or possibly a part time job that involves more moving my body around. I was dividing my time between living on a buddy's sailboat and staying at my partner's house during last month, and at the end of January I upgraded to a different buddy's boat which is much nicer: more spacious, enough room to stand, bigger bed, an electric stove, alcohol oven, benches and table for guests, more private berth. I paid my previous buddy by giving him a bunch of wild chantarelle mushrooms I found and cooking a big two pots of chicken soup for him and his housemates, which was fun, now they all love me : ) I started playing in a weekly chess tournament last week (one loong game per week). I'm trying to replace playing online chess with playing in a club tournament; I definitely find myself very easily being drawn to playing online chess when I have time to kill between things, so I am still working on where to strike the balance on this one...anyway, tonight I got paired to play with the first national master I've ever played a classical time control game with, uh oh.. (the game was last night since I didn't finish posting this and I ended up losing, but at one point I was a pawn up and with better position if I just hadn't missed a simple move I had, according to computer engines I had a 2 pawn advantage or so against a national master (!!) so I'm happy with how I played even though I ended up losing on time : ) I've also been getting together with a few friends at a friend's house the last two saturdays and we play chess on a few boards while someone is playing music on the guitar or something. It's been really nice and seems like others are interested in doing this on a regular basis, I've been enjoying it a lot. Something else I'm really excited about is starting a carpentry apprenticeship of sorts with a local carpenter from the outskirts of the north bay. K and I went to his studio during a local artists' open studio event back in December and we were e-mailing for a little while trying to figure out a deal that could work for us both. What we ended up on is that basically I could go work at his studio for $25 a day whether he's around or not (once he trusts that I can handle myself safely on the machines), and if he is, I can ask him questions while working on my own projects. Seems like a pretty amazing deal considering his extensive knowledge (he sells his pieces for thousands of dollars). I just went in for the first time a few days ago and started working on a few cutting boards: two that needed gluing so I left them to finish next time, and another one that I finished on the spot. They were very simple, basic projects to refamiliarize myself with working on shop tools since it's been a number of years. I got to use a jointer, planer, table saw, arm saw, bandsaw, big shop belt sander, and smaller hand tools already on the first day! Fun, fun, my biggest goal is not to cut any fingers off (I did scrape a bit of my palm skin off on the big belt sander, oops, but it's mostly healed in three days). Besides that, as far as creative pursuits go, I've been continuing to make random small watercolors in a pocket journal here and there. I put a bit more effort into making an envelope-sized birthday watercolor card for my mom which I was really happy with and she really liked. I posted some of my recent watercolors in the art section of the forum if anyone reading this has any interest in seeing them (thanks for checking them out and reading this!) Finally figured out having insurance in my new county sometime in January (we'll see how long that lasts with this f-ing president...) so I was able to schedule a covered chiropractic appointment as well as physical therapy during the next two weeks. Back pain continues to be kind of a bummer despite lots of good things happening in life. I am continuing to do a bit of yoga at home but I am hoping to get a more thorough diagnosis and ideas of what would be most helpful. So I have done another cycle of 90 days! Hooray! I had a minor relapse in early January while I was living on the boat and it was raining for a week straight lol. I played a bit of Settlers of Catan online and even downloaded an old dos game called Master of Orion and played one evening. Then I told myself "what the heck am i doing?" and deleted it. Oh well, mostly game free for 180 days besides some small relapses : ) I think I am getting better at not being too rough on myself and rolling with the ups and downs. Oh yeah, I've found another weekly dance group that is similar enough to the one I used to go to in Southern California and I like quite a bit. So I have been going to that pretty regularly on Sundays. Besides the chess and dancing, I've been socializing with people in K's house and neighborhood, and reconnecting with old college friends in Berkeley, which has been nice. I wish everyone the best in their game quitting journey in 2017! You can do it!

Some art I made lately since posting, watercolors and a little redwood cutting board / bread board that can also serve as a bunny surfboard. Thanks for looking, take good care : )

I've tried Wwoof-ing on a few farms some years ago and I've used couchsurfing.org a bit whole traveling within the US, both are great resources and you can really meet some awesome people this way. I also have done a bunch of hitchhiking in some parts of the US (namely California and Maine) and contrary to some people's popular belief hitchhiking is quite safe in 99.9% of the country. I had a fantastic time hitchhiking in Maine especially and doing a big triangle between Portland, Acadia National Park and Mt. Katahdin. There are a lot of interesting characters you meet this way you would never meet otherwise. One ride can be a 18 year old dude driving "his pa's logging rig," overloaded by 20 tons of logs over the legal limit to make some cash and thinking about the next stripper he's going to meet, while 10 minutes later the next might be a very eloquent semi-famous poet who just came back from a poetry in festival Israel on world peace talking to you about transcendental meditation, then maybe you can jump in the back of a truck of some hunters who just came back from hunting moose. It teaches you you don't have to agree with people but they can nevertheless be very interesting : ) I highly recommend hitchhiking to everyone as something interesting to do while young; I have also met two women who have traveled all over the world, not just the US, much more than me, hitchhiking alone and able to stay safe the whole time, which I thought very inspiring.

Day 145 Today was really great and active, I felt like I did a lot of things that are aligned with my overall goals: exercising and working on my health, connecting with people, old friends and new, spending time in nature, saving some money. I had a tutoring gig over in Berkeley in the late morning so I woke up early and did some yoga. I've been doing a shoulder loosening 20 minute routine and it feels like it's starting to take effect a little bit more and more every time; I made myself a bomb breakfast of sauteed veggies: squash, beets, beet greens, kale, and some vegan sausage; and prepared a bagel with cheese and salmon to take along for lunch. I made plans to meet a mushroom hunting friend who lives in Oakland because my tutoring gig was near a patch of forest where we found a ton of chantarelles two years ago and late December / early January seems to be the peak of the season for these delicacies here in the Bay. After tutoring, which went well, we met up in the rainy forest after I drove through probably the thickest fog I've ever seen! The bushes on the opposite side of a two lane road were literally half obscured by the fog when I was driving along the crest of the Oakland and Berkeley hills. The rain was really coming down and I forgot to bring my rainjacket but I had a few layers of fleece and under the trees it wasn't too bad. It was nice seeing my friend whom I hadn't seen in a year and a half and hearing about her life in recent times. Then, as soon as we got to our old spots we started finding tons of chantarelles and got really excited. We kept foraging for two hours or so then she had to go drive to her family's for Christmas vacation, while I plunged further off the trail into the forest looking for chantarelles under the oaks. I found a bunch more, as well as a really interesting purple mushroom called a blewit I was already familiar with from hearsay and books but I've never eaten before, so I'm excited to try that. I probably ended up with about four or five pounds of chantarelles, which is worth between $70 to $100 or more in grocery stores if I were to buy them (but I never do, cause they are free in the forest : ) I picked up some curries on my way home from my favorite restaurant in the East Bay then drove back to K and hung out with her and some friends for the evening playing Catan and eating cookies. One of our friends got excited about the mushrooms too so I gave her a quart container to take home and cook. Grateful for: - the bounty of the forest, and looking forward to eating so many meals with chantarelle mushrooms for the next week! - getting a $5 bonus for gas from my tutoring gig - naan & curry, so yummy! Also, this really sweet old Indian guy who works at the curry place, he always makes my day with how nice he is - friends

Haha sorry if I sounded a bit cranky when I wrote that. I figured you didn't mean anything by it and thanks also for sharing your own story!

Hi dandielionous, thanks for taking the time to read. I've visited New York City once before and played with the group of players in Washington Square Park; there are also similar groups of people in San Francisco and other parts all over the world, and I've probably lost a couple of bucks on a handful of occasions to some surprisingly good players. I'm sorry this is the first thing you associate with playing chess, but let's not confuse playing chess with the problems of poverty and lacking a home, these are totally different things on a different scale. Chess isn't what's causing people's misfortune in the first place, and in some extreme situations it might even be the one place some people find a sense of community that keeps them away from worst things they could be getting mixed up in on the streets of inner cities. I also don't see your friend's gambling problems as something stemming from chess; I've been around a bunch of chess clubs over the years and it's something people generally do for fun as a hobby, an art, a passion that they enjoy. I've never myself met anyone with a chess gambling problem amidst hundreds of chess players I've known. Your response struck me a bit as a pointed attack (I might be making assumptions) based on your negative personal experience with a chess player on your life, but I will answer your question: my goal would be to have a relationship with chess where I'm spending a few hours a week on it as a hobby: probably going to a club to play once a week or once every two weeks and hang out with other chess players, and maybe spend a little bit of time outside of that studying my games and seeing how I could improve. I grew up going to a chess club in Eastern Europe and feel like it's a part of the culture from my part of the world and my own life; I also really enjoyed going to a club weekly for about a year with a friend after college; he was a similar skill level and we would play together for fun once in a while. I read my single chess book as an adult during that time and enjoyed the sense of improvement I steadily saw during that year. Sometimes I'd also meet interesting people at chess clubs, like an old Black Panther guy who came to the club every week to play, one crazy old Russian man, a math professor, young kids under 10 who could completely wipe the floor with me in a humbling fashion, and others. Anyway, I've been debating with myself whether to treat chess like other games or not, but it's something I definitely feel like I have a real relationship with and would like to include a bit of in my life, even if not as a main focus. But yeah, I definitely don't want to be the guy doing that to his girlfriend (and really to myself, I don't wanna be that guy period!) like you say, so I'd really like to shift from playing online like I have been to in person over-the-board play and keep things in moderation. Anyway, hope you can change your view on chess and not think of it as one guy's unhealthy relationship with it! I know I'm guilty for placing the blame on video games and not taking responsibility for my own behavior and lack of control over them, but at the end of the day it's us who make the choices and not the games. Day 143 Today was great! I slept in as needed and did some yoga outside in the late morning; it was sunny outside, which was a rate treat for winter, and warm enough to even show some skin while stretching, which was relaxing. Then I climbed about 40 feet up in a redwood behind the house, because my back didn't feel like it was in pain today and these days I try my best not to take that for granted, it was fun! I fixed myself some breakfast and made a smoothie for later. Then I called the Social Security Office and learned it was closing sooner than I thought and I'd only be able to get there a half hour before it closes. I decided to go anyway and hopefully get some of the paperwork done; it was surprisingly empty and as soon as I got there someone was able to help me; he suggested I also apply for food stamps, which I qualify for, which would somehow make the application process go faster, so I did. Now I have to go in tomorrow morning for a four hour appointment to talk with a case worker and sounds like I'll be on my way to having things sorted out, hooray! It's a bit of a drive but hopefully I won't need to go in again after this. I got back home just before sunset so I drove down to the beach and walked around on the sand barefoot (this also feels really good for back pain) with the high tide waves crashing around on rocks, beautiful. I drove about a mile north to the different end of the beach to see if a coyote who likes to roam around there at sunset almost every day was around. I ran into K who had just gotten off work and also decided to drive the extra mile to see the sunset, she said she had seen the coyote yesterday. Back at home, she said I'm invited to have dinner with her neighbor and her neighbor's family which was really delicious peppers stuffed with rice and a goood salad. We played a fun card game called basa, drank tea, and ate sufganyiot from an Israeli bakery in SF, which was delicious. The family was really nice and we laughed a lot, really relaxing evening. Grateful for: - sticking with my plan and also surprise delights - delicious food - Social Services office guy being super helpful - blue skies and a clear night sky, warm Northern California winter sun