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Smoked Beef

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About Smoked Beef

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  1. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic relapsing   

    Hey guys,
    few positive things have happened the last two months and many more negatives. Since the start of this semester I've been procrastinating and I can hardly keep up - especially in math (that's a tough nut to crack). It seems I didn't learn much from my mistakes. I watched many gaming related videos and then contacted my old gaming friend again. The worst thing is that he wasn't angry at all but very friendly. It seems to me that he really didn't understand (or maybe isn't able to because he didn't make the experience I did?) how serious the situtation for me was in that moment.
    So....stimulated by the gaming videos I watched, I asked him if he could show me that one game, which I played a lot in the past. I didn't have a lot of contact with him from then on (about two weeks now I think). Today I finally took the step and wrote him a message again that I'll now go a different way in my life and wished him all the best.
    In the end I was able (or urged by the circumstances) to make the decision to make a new start again. My fear is that I might fall back again. There are just sooooo many triggers around.

    I watch an action movie -> I feel the need to play Battlefield
    I watch a documentary about the civil war (I'm a history nut) -> I wanna play a strategy game
    I watch anything about aviation -> My brain tells me to install and fire up that combat flight simulator I played in the past
    I see anything related to military in the news -> basicly point 1

    Why does it affect all the things I'm interested in?
    And video games are all in my mind again. In fact they were the whole time. Is there or will there be any chance that I might see reality just the way it is?
    That is, in the moment, my biggest wish...just being able to clear my mind and to focus on real things again.
    Maybe some of you have some tips?
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  2. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic relapsing   

    Thank you for your answer. But if you would know how that friendship has looked for the last years you'd be the first one to say „let it go“.
    Today I finally brought up the courage and wrote him a long message in whatsapp about my addiction and everything, that I'll never again touch a game etc. I feel really relieved right now. He read it but didn't answer, so I guess he's pretty angry right now. Anyway, today I took the necessary steps to delete my battlenet, origin and steam accounts. Origin and battlenet are already gone, steam will follow shortly.
    I'm just happy that this is over. Now there aren't any obstacles anymore. I'm unshackled and can go out and fix my life .
    Maybe I'll start a new daily journal or continue the old one.
    This will be a rocky road at first - but an awesome journey .
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  3. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic relapsing   

    Thanks for your kind responsess!
    Yep, that's very true. In the long time I was gaming, the computer was only a tool for that for me. Whenever I needed a new computer I was thinking „can I game on this?“.
    Gaming has stolen and broken a lot of my life and I will suffer from the physical consequences for a very long time (severe tinnitus).
    It really helps reading what you wrote there, thank you!
    I simply don't have the courage to tell the truth about my addiction to other people. I have decided to throw that relationship in the garbage can. That guy asked me again today if I wanted to game with him, and I told him that I'm still very sick and think that I need time to recover instead of gaming and skyping. He didn't even wish me a quick recovery or something like that. I already started to install the game again but canceled and deleted everything from my harddrive.
    I'd rather hang out with the people I've recently got to know at university. They are very friendly and don't know about my addiction which grants me a fresh start.
     
     
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  4. Smoked Beef added a topic in Relapse   

    relapsing
    Hello everyone,
    the time of the exams is over, and there is a good chance that I failed two of them. I didn't prepare for them nearly as good as I could have.
    So how did that happen? My old gaming friend (I hardly have another common interest/connection with him than gaming) was skyping with me and I watched him play some mass effect. I didn't cut contact to him though I knew I should have. We then agreed that we would game together after my exams. He somehow noticed, that he couldn't find me on Origin. That's because I've had my account deleted. When I did that last year I felt a great amount of relief. But what happened three weeks ago is a shame for me: I told (basically lied) to my "friend" that I had no idea what happened and that I contacted the support and they wouldn't know either. The support contact, so it seems, didn't do enough good of a job deleting my account, so my account showed up twice in the online battlelog (the old one, and the new one I created in hope of getting back my old progress in battlefield). In the end it seemed weird enough, so my friend believed me.
    I then created a new account and bought everything I previously had to play the game with him again...
    So the past three weeks I didn't do a very lot for the exams and thought about the day I would play this game again...I mindlessly browsed the internet and it was hard to focus on anything but gaming in general. Last weekend I played the gamewith him well into the night. I'm deeply disappointed by myself, because I wanted to make everything right this time I'm studying again. And now look where I am.
    I don't even know why I even care about this "friend" at all. He doesn't seem to give a f*** about talking with me except for when he has done something cool, has a new job or he needs somebody to dump his emotions when something mean happened to him. I tried telling him that I'm an addict but it seems I was not direct enough or he has not the capability to see it.
    He'd always be like:
    ,,no stress, university comes first"
    And that though I wrote him that we „seriously need to talk about gaming concerning our relationship“. At this point I'm just very very angry. I absolutely have no intention to answer his whatsapp messages but to block him forever, no matter if he's pissed or doesn't get it. In the end there is absolutely nothing to gain from this "friendship" in the long term.
    And additionally, I got sick on sunday and because I'm too tired to learn for the next exams I continued gaming till today. I'm installing battlefield and origin and unistalling them again and again. And I feel like crap because of the amount of money I waisted (graphics card, new copy of game etc.).
    Sorry, this was more of a rant, I know. But now I'm feeling a little bit better. Just right now I made a demand to blizzard support for deleting my battlenet account and I'm trying to do the same to my new origin account and the steam one.
    Thanks to everybody reading this!
    • 7 replies
    • 218 views
  5. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic Smoked Detox Journal   

    Thank you Tatu92, Jeremias, Reno F and Cam so much for responding!
    I'm just planning how to sell my gaming rig and will depend on notebook and tablet for my future work
    And I do think I've made an important decision today: I don't want to be a loser anymore.
    That might sound pretty dumb in all kind of ways . But when I now look back to my old posts and the state I've been in those times, I think my circumstances have been downing me so much that I was at the point feeling better in just worrying about the future than actually trying to go ahead and really do things. If you just worry about the future and get depressed, well, there are no mistakes you could do at the moment concerning future actions...just dream on about everything getting better some time far ahead.
    From my personal point of view, to game has been the most terrible decision in my life. It has had physical and psychological suffurings entailed, the most vicious of them chase me to this day, for example my tinnitus on both of my ears. Still, I think that this time wasn't wasted. I now can tell anybody else who is currently experiencing similar things about my story and how I overcame that dark chapter of my life, so that they hopefully won't have to deal with those kinds of situations. That, I think, is at the moment the most optimistic point of view that I can take concerning this matter, and it surely is a point worth taking.
    My personal horizon hasn't been expanded beyond the borders of my room for over one and a half decades. I've been looking through my window this summer and asked myself if I'll ever grasp reality. Now I know that it's there, still I did never know how to grasp it because I didn't know how and what it means to take the decision and the responsibility connected to it.
    Well, now the die is cast   and I just have to thank you all, the community, for your help! And of course Cam, your vids have reached me already some two years ago and it's been a long road for me since. Also, drinking is over for me, at least for a year or more! I'll keep you posted, thank you all!
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  6. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic Smoked Detox Journal   

    Hello fellow Gamequitters!
    I feel a little sorry for reviving this old thread again and for not contributing to the overall Gamequitters effort here on the forum for such a long time. Still, I want to tell you about the 'progress' I've made and, of course, ask for some tips...
    My last post is from late March and some things have changed in my life -considering my surroundings. I now have my bachelor's degree in engineering for example. I'm kinda happy about that but that's not what's keeping my mind busy right now. I've now reached my biggets dream, that's studying physics. Over two to three years I told myself I'd make this the crown jewel of my future c.v. ...
    So, I'm five weeks in now. Guess what - it's a little disaster. Well, how could that happen? While working on my engineering degree I still kept one of my old gaming friendships (we were a little bit more than just gaming friends but the thing that mainly connected us was playing pc games) and that dragged me back to my old gaming nature.
    Just before the colloquium for my degree I planned to buy a new gaming rig.  Yup, it seems quite studip to myself, now that I'm reading my old posts here
    The next months I got back to gaming with my friend and just swept my personal reality away. There is something though that I'll remember about ordering that gaming rig at that pc store. So, I parked my car and stayed for a little while at the parking lot. Eventually, I really thought about how this action would contribute to the future person that I want to be (of course it wouldn't at all). Well, after sitting five minutes in my car thinking about it I just got out and walked straight to the pc-store to order that stupid gaming rig. It's super strange. At that moment I really didn't know what made me go. Now I think that it was a combination of making promises to my gaming friend and not being strong enough to tell anybody the truth (in fact I made up things to my parents and lied to myself to justify the purchase of that rig).
    As I wrote, I'm five weeks in now and I realize that this possibility to determine my future self might soon faint or be over. I've decided to sell my gaming rig once again (lol) and to get a tablet instead for university purposes. And I really need to stop drinking , that §$!# is leading nowhere.
    So, I was writing about asking you about some tips for that trainwreck I'm putting up right now
    Did anybody of you make the same experiences? Especially about denying your own situation?
    If yes, and if you did overcome this issue...well, how? I might stutter-type a little at this point, but I'm growing more desperate by the day I feel...exams are ten weeks ahead, yikes!
    Edit: Oh yeah, I forgot! I've also got a new tinnitus sound on my left ear - what a refreshment..... btw I got that the day after I ordered that §%&§!§$% "§$%"&$% gaming rig. I wish I would've heared the warning shots earlier...
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  7. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic Smoked Detox Journal   

    Hey Guys!
    I've completed my third week of the 90d detox now....nothing big has changed yet though. I still can't cope with my health issues and once I leave the computer, I can't get myself to do what needs to be done . The first week of my thesis for the bachelors degree has passed like a minute and I barely achieved any progress. I really fell ashamed because the people of the company, who give me the possibility to work on a special project for my degree, are very kind to me. I feel like I'm constantly betraying myself and the people around me . I still feel disconnected from reality. I don't think I that I could really comprehend what matters in life.
    Additionally, I failed my goal to stay dry for 90 days. I'm not drinking much though and I'm only drinking over the week-ends -  maybe I can moderate this bad habit, at least. Somehow, when I'm drinking I'm starting to see the scale and root of my suffering. Yes, this may sound very very weird and psycho to some of you, but this is really how it is! What I really got to understand in these first three weeks of the detox is that I need to sell my gaming rig - no matter the cost. I don't care how much I could do with this computer. To know that the possibility to buy a graphics card and just start gaming again exists is like a chain or weight that holds me back. It's like trying to run in chewing gum! I don't mind the lost cash either, my life is more important -  and I want to get it back on track!
    Thanks to one of Cam's new vids, I have a new additional aim: I want to read books again! I have a lot of great literature in my bookshelf waiting to be explored. My PC and my addiction to  video games have told me up to now that spending an evening on the internet or in a video game is more rewarding than gaining real knowledge from good literature. I feel so disappointed by myself.
    I had fun with gaming in my life, but I also have yet to see that this chapter of my life is concluded. I still think that I could have a fun time with my old gaming friends, but memories are memories. I hope I'll soon be mentally able to let it be that way.
     
     
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  8. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic Smoked Detox Journal   

    Hey guys!
    Thank you for your responses!
    Great to have a community to share the joy of achievement in this matter!
    @Falky
    I already have a laptop for work and a computer for private use. The problem is, that some games that I like are old. They'd run on any machine. But it surely helps that some important stuff of the company that I work for is on my laptop. It seems less like a playground then.
    Hey Manley! Thanks for the support!
     
     

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  9. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic IT'S ON YOU   

    Also really liked this video, especially the part concerning the freedom to take action. I can turn off the computer and go out the door whenever I want, brillant!
    I first thought this would get me down, seeing "nobody is coming to save you!" among my new mails. Shoud have known better! - Cam will always be an optimist.
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  10. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic Tried Moderation, Didn't Like it.   

    I also thought about moderation but came to the conclusion that it's just not possible for me anymore. After long time of being an addict, it can only be a one-way-ticket. It's very hard to accept that you cannot handle video games like a casual. I think the trick is to see that video games can be fun but, in my case for example, will cause more damage if you force yourself to think that you can moderate.
    Good luck with quitting!
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  11. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic Smoked Detox Journal   

    Thank you, Dannigan!
    So true , without someone giving an example of what is possible to achieve, it is even harder to get up and get things to change.
     
    Hey Cam! I actually tried quitting in January last year and found out about Gamequitters in the following months. Watching your videos confirmed me in my decision not to play video games again. I then thought that I could get along in my life, but failed.
    After my major relapse, that started last Octobre, I think it really is the time to be more active concerning this huge problem. So, I signed-up to share my experiences with you guys and to learn from others here on the forum. I hope that this will get me back on track, so that I can focus on my big goals in life  
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  12. Smoked Beef added a post in a topic Smoked Detox Journal   

    Gotta get some sense of humour somehow  
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  13. Smoked Beef added a topic in Daily Journals   

    Smoked Detox Journal
    Hello everybody!
    I'm happy I finally got myself to start this detox journal. In fact, I started the 90d detox seven days ago and immediatly ran into a wall. Moving away from the computer is incredibly hard if you have to work fourty hours a week with...well... a computer .  Okay, I realised two years ago that I have serious problems. Good thing is that I know what's lacking, bad thing though is that I basically am caught in a dead end that is this safe zone that video games gave me over 15 years. No quick load in real life I guess....
    Alright, my goals for the next 90 days are the following:
    Embracing to be engaged in hobbies and activities: Usually I seem to be interested in new activities (currently the astronomy club), but when things get serious I tend to back away and hole up in my safe zone - that damn computer! That needs to end!Social skills - that's one if not the biggest issues of mine. I'm very shy *blushes*....huh, ok, that needs to end as well. I want to be a self-confident person. And a girlfriend would constantly drag me into reality. I'll try to improve on that. Shifting my focus to my goals in life: This is not only the most crucial but also the most urgent one I need to achieve, otherwise I won't get my bachelors degree and that damn language certificate that means so much to me. I also feel that accomplishing this one will make me happier than fulfilling the other ones.I've started drinking recently because I couldn't handle my problems....this is bad. That's why I'm combining my 90d detox with the aim to stay dry for 90 days!Okay that's it so far, I'll update this journal every two weeks. So, whoever is interested can take a sniff of how I'm beating the detox or the detox is beating me
    I also want to thank Cam and the community! I've been watching the Gamequitters videos the past ten months and finding out that I'm not alone with my problems, that there's is this big international community of people helping each other in their struggle with this addiction motivated me to climb out of that dark hole I was stuck in. Thank you guys for that!
    Kind regards
    Smoked Beef
     
     
     
    • 17 replies
    • 529 views
  14. Smoked Beef added a topic in Relapse   

    My background and relapse :(
    Hello everybody!
    Uhhh, this is going to be a longer post, so be warned! I would have posted this in the Introduction category first, but I think my background and the cause for my relapse are strongly connected - I hope it's ok for you guys this way
    Ok, so who am I? I'm a 24 years old student from Germany. I've been fascinated with video games from my childhood on. Since I've always been a social underdog, video games have filled my social gaps and needs. In my youth I had little social contact with people other than my family. Over time, I grew accustomed to the safety of those imaginery worlds video games could offer: There is no danger or risk, I could always load a quick save, restart the level or whatever. A fear of taking real action outside of my 'safe zone' developed that left unable to act self-determinedly for a decade or so. As if that psycho stuff wasn't already enough, physical problems also made a greeting ...from my 18th year on I suffer from tinnitus, first one ear, than the other. I guess that's due to little physical activity and the inability to cope with stress in my social enviroment. That became worse and worse...I also still find myself not being able to concentrate on tasks: While reading a book for example, I can't make it through one page without drifting away completely.
    Alright, so much for my background ...
    So, when I was 22 years old I began to comprehend that I was in fact an addict, one of the very bad kind, I guess. I knew if I wouldn't get rid of video games forever, my life would go down the drain even more. All the people I knew though, were gamers, and they would tend to influence me not to quit gaming! I can't even estimate how many times I heard dumb phrases like "common, just half an hour a day for your friends!", or    "I know a teacher, even he has time for an hour of gaming on the weekend!"....blablabla. Fact is, if you tell an alcoholic a beer a day works, you're...well.....stupid?
    Whatever, one day I couldn't stand my desperation any longer and needed to do something. Uninstalling games is one thing, but the possibility to play games again was ubiquitous. I didn't have the will power to sell my gaming rig yet, so I disabled my graphics card by loosening a few capacitors on its backside. I know that sounds really dumb, but it was an old graphics card anyway. So I couldn't game for the moment, but I ordered some graphics cards over time and started to game. I have always sent them back, though. Whenever I started to game, I just felt - well - 'dead' is the best word to describe it, I think. In april 2015 I finally managed to sell my gaming rig! Puuhhh....I have about three moments that I consider the best ones of my life - and that was definitely one of them! I didn't have a lot of social contact in the following summer but it was easy to stay clean thanks to the great weather. Unfortunately, in September the days got shorter, the weather colder and I got depressed again. Guess what I did...bought a gaming rig again! I thought maybe this time I could get along with video games in a better way and I really needed social contact. Getting in touch with the old gaming friends was pretty easy since we had a common hobby. So on the way back home from an old gaming friend of mine, who helped me putting my rig together, I realised what I did and just thought:
    shieeeeeet....
    All that struggle for nothing -  damn! So, the current situation is:
    - I got rid of the graphics card (no, I dind't break it this time!)
    - I need a PC for private use since my notebook is reserved for university stuff, but the current system always draws me into gaming because it's suited to that. It's made of such high quality components though....
    - I joined an astronomy club as a hobby and for social contacts. Not only do I work on my bachelors degree, I also have an important English certificate incoming in June.
    Ok, what should I do? Maybe you guys know. Should I sell my current computer and maybe buy one that is not specifically built for gaming? Personally I think I'd feel better then, although I'd lose some money.
    Also, I'm sorry for this very long post. The last few days have been quite shitty, but sharing my experiences with you guys makes it a little easier.
     
    Thanks for reading, if you made all the way here . Looking forward to your tips and answers!
    Greetings,
    Smoked Beef
    • 1 reply
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