Yes. I have been shut in for the past year. Since giving up I have been making small steps to towards getting myself back to university. The journal has been of wonderful use and the only thing I wish had done was do it earlier. I am on day 64 now and there have been ups and downs and definitely some crying but I'm chipping away at it.
Day 64 8.30am My brain feels like its been through a tumble dryer. The pills have completely scrambled my thinking again. The urges were back because I didn't know what I was doing. It has further compounded my insomnia and I can barely remember what I am supposed to be doing. It has become a little bit better over the past few days but the side effects hit me like a speeding train, libido was dead and dry mouth and for the first few days tingling tremors. I have had to miss another appointment because I cannot even find my travel card and my room is a mess again. I could barely get through the answer machine without a stutter. So over the past few weeks haven't been able to do much, I cannot even remember what I did. My body felt like it didn't want to do anything and it didn't help that I went back to a disjointed eating pattern again.
Oh yes I got my CV completely cleaned up, thats about it. Encouragement from friends I'm afraid I can not think of any up sides at the moment other than hope that it will all pass over. I have two more pills left and will prolly get another appointment next week. I need a lie down.
been to the doctor who prescribed me sertraline tablets 50mg, 1 a day. usual spray for nose, i should have told him all other sprays haven't worked for years amongst a lot of other things I forgot about. I am afraid the tablets might just further cloud my thinking. I think the doctor also put me into therapy again. should have saved my money instead of paying for the prescription though, I have a student card still. My insomnia has taken a turn for the worse too. so I am hoping the tablets wll sort that out. I just need something to slow down the thinking. My computer went to poop after leaving it on in the night and forgetting to turn it of. I edited the settings to play white noise while the lid is closed. repair scheduled for next week. SO i haven't been keeping on duolingo while I backed stuff up, switched it off and fixed this replacement up. Deleted all the games and restored the computer. Cars about as done as I can get it. I need to get super glue for the rest because nothing else is holding some parts thereto. I will retake up the piano to fill in the time, my sister left a keyboard behind when she moved out. nofap went a bit further but am back to day 90. Still I consider that a win Learned to make risotto, am now binging on gravy and rice. Need to get some curry paste for kedgeree. I think I have pretty much got my cv in shape. job hunting is continuing... must all back instead of email.
reading the history of my area drawing morning showers
Interesting things I found out:- --There are three kinds of wisdom: Worldly-refers to your life's philosophical understanding emotional-ability to be aware of and regulate your emotions and how they affect others and how others will affect you. practical-your immediate and intermediate goals and how to complete them as well as your day-to-day existence.
--cooling down your neck quickly will help you to go sleep faster. A cold flannel or a fan does the job.
Third edit because my memory is the worst,Also need to get a blood test sorted.
12.31pm bonjour Arrived 5 minutes late to the doctor and had to rebook, next appointment is on the 28th. First time I saw the receptionist had a sneaking feeling I knew her from somewhere, remembered it was at the old swimming club. I also made an effort in previous days to reconnect with some old friends. I got an email from one person who said she is studying Japanese and is moving to Japan in a few weeks to pursue a modelling career which is quite cool. Recently got a message from another person studying art and design at Parson's in NY. I usually have a friendly persona but inside I am usually terrified. There are plenty of people I have made friends with that I have proceeded to cut off later on. I have decided that I will tell them about recent past events instead of hiding it. I also ordered tickets to an exhibition to get myself out and about for tommorrow. I have almost finished my car. Not bad for 1st time after 8+ years. Actually I think it might be my best one yet.
Today I need to: Learn quick round of French Get changed from the doctors Break. Still working on the insomnia. Since my computer has developed a fault I cannot put on some loud music during the night to drown out the ringing in my ears in case it explodes or something. I managed to get to bed at 10 but was only able to sleep at 12am which resulted in my lateness to the doctors. Past history now, cannot solve that. Learn more French Finish tweaking CV spam as many jobs applications in an hour when i am done Shut off PC
drink more water open my windows charge camera start drawing/Finish model car
Oh yes one more thing: Porn? one day at a time. I think I'll start counting backwards. My brain is still going nuts but I consider it a win if I am not going (actually can't now thanks to programme blockers) on sites to jack off to hardcore stuff or anything at all. My brain gets a 100% boost in dopamine when I play games. 200% when I jack off, prolly why its been harder to stop. That said to even start this journal took me the best part of 2 months on and off.
Today it is finally internalising that I can not fix the deep flaws of my family-and people in general, if they do not want to realise it themselves or make a compromise. The best that i can do is find a job save up, reclaim my bank account from prying eyes and piss off form this house before i attempt to kill myself again, cut them off for a while, its the only way at this point. I have always been an outsider, even where I have lived, that is something that I have finally accepted too, there were good sides and bad sides. Fuck you too Essex. job tally: 10? 11? replies: 0 Follow up emails: 0 (procrastinator) I will be reworking my CV to be more... I dunno, bullet pointy, CVish. applying to: 8 more.
Day 41 Starting a new project. Developed a line on laptop screen. I don't have money to fix that. Applying for more jobs Resurrected Linkdin account... And then realised why I didn't bother with it in the first place. Slightly depressing to see people who have graduated from university and taken up good jobs. Slightly gratifying to not have taken a degree that puts me on the path to a dull job. I think I'll just put up a CV and then carrying applying for jobs the normal way, on first glance it seems to be a circle jerk of self-congratulatory consultants and business analysts.
Day 39 Cheers Cam, I will definitely being doing that too.
I have completed another few more segments of Duolingo, I initially wanted to spend 10 minutes a day on it, its ballooned into an hour which is great. Thanks to the forums I also have some apps to stop me from being so distracted on the internet, which makes it easier. I ma using my contactless card for travel too, I would try to go out a little more but I need to save the money for travelling to job interviews. Its definitely been a struggle getting out. Its been a struggle getting out of my room just to go to the kitchen tbh. I still haven't sent off it off but I have started on a new project in the meant time, I think I just tired myself out doing one thing. My model car is taking shape nicely too, the mistakes have mostly been sanded out. The noise from downstairs has been dampened although low frequency sounds are still very loud so I have white noise playing through my headphones every time it happens. I am still terrible with internet distractions and noticed my time searching up "edutainment" videos increasing so I have banned myself from a number of sites. Anyway I should get some food in me (had a long lie in) and I should get back to searching for jobs, already got a few rejections so I think I will have to tweak my CV some more. Also learning to cook some salmon risotto today. Learning to cook a different recipe every week should be fun. 1hr.56 minutes on the internet so I think that it is time to flick on some music and switch off for the day.
Acceptance Growing up with Cockneys Always look on the Bright Side of Life at the end of Iron Maiden concerts
Facebook et al are where people go to make perennially happy constructions of themselves and where companies go to sell you more shit. Few are actually worth following and most are bloody carbon copies of each other. They design websites specifically to suck you in for as long as possible with side effect of reducing your attention span for other things because they want you to think about going back on it, all of it is deliberate-it generates ad revenue and that is the price of freemium. I recently downloaded cold turkey which has inadvertently closed off reddit; it is turning out to be a happy accident. I'll also download rescue time too, cheers for the tip @Manun. I only have whatsapp, youtube and gamequitters now. Youtube is at the moment my major time sink but I can't get rid of it because it is also such a good resource for other things. If I want to make myself more miserable I maximise my screen time. Edit: I wonder if I can force lock my computer in the evenings as well.
J'apprends Francaise en ce moment. Today I finally strummed up enough courage to book a simple appointment. One for Wednesday next week at 10.40am. I also took time to see if I could hand in a CV to a shop, they asked me to email them instead. The journey tired me a little but still I got out which is a good enough sign. I tried to cycling but realised my bike was too small and I am on my last reserves of money. In the meant time I will just have to take a morning walk. I should really send my designs off too. I also need to find my spare travel card. The current student one has been closed as I am not at university. I also decided to dig into an architecture book as a way of starting my personal drawing project on the tube. Today was sunny, mostly having bus routes to virtually everywhere is great the ease it takes to book an appointment with the NHS. I was going to call but decided against it.
Cheers for reading
Oh yes one more thing. I have so far applied to six jobs I think and will be writing a cover letter for a further two more. Irony is that the one I am most likely going to be interviewed for I reckon will be as Christmas staff for the Game stores. Why would I apply if I quit you may ask? money and ease of transport. As long as I do not play video games and do not binge read/watch games I should be fine. so far I have managed to not be triggered by adverts and occasional viewing, though I will not be returning to watch Killing Floor 2 community stuff or Doom/Fallout 4 related stuff any time soon. To much time invested in them, especially kf2 where I had to fortune to meet everyone but its time to move on, I wish them well. Job I really want is as a service assistant at the design museum.
Day 33 day 1 I went to the barbers for the first time in ages to have my hair cut. Over the weekend I wrote a CV and started sending it off to employers. I am now writing personalised cover letters. The barbers was something I have been thinking of doing for quite a while now, what do you with last bit of cash? get a haricut. Sounds daft but to my mind it just made sense. I figured I would apply for museums and art shops as something that isn't too demanding. I think if I just went straight into flipping burgers or being a waiter in a restaurant I think I would be shattered by the end of it all. I have managed to complete the first stage of duolingo and have taken to using memrise as a compliment. I didnt realise there were bots that I could use as well on the mobile app. I have been cutting down some more on computer time but now I want off it for at least a day of the week. I sunk back a bit after being distracted to a sailing channel that happened to be in the path of a hurricane, must remember not to be so obsessive about something on the other side of the world sad as it is. The news just presents it as another drama story and another thought virus to think about all the time.
day 30 Day 0 -->9.27pm Salut I had noticed my PC times going up again so needed a quickie detox from that. In that time I have written a CV and sent it to a bunch of stationary shops. I doubt I have the energy to be a waiter or something with my fitness at the moment. I keep on wanting to go to the doctors but something keeps turning me back. I have reset the fap counter because now I am in the right enough mindset to really want off it. I have been slipping too with sleep times as increasing my intake to 3 meals has made me feel more hungry in the night times along with the general ringing in the ears. I am fixing up the cracking on the Isetta and am moving on in drawing to creating a technical drawing of the alphabet and probably another exploded drawing of an eggtimer. The cassette has been a good learning experience, remembering stuff I have forgotten. I think I kept placing too tight a set of expectations on myself so have slowed up a bit. Language learning also slipped a day but I am being more consistent once more. Bonne nuit _-_->9.33pm
Oh yes, and I think I will also ease up on the writing to 3 days a week. In terms of pesonal writing in thoughts, my brain has been scrambled for a bit but I think a bit clearer now. I guess the reaction to getting off of the porn was greater than I thought.