Day 49 Yesterday I turned 30. This was truly interesting year: I switched to a new project, my son was born, and I entered the detox. My son is the grandest change, now I am mindful that he will inherit not just what our family acquire, but a plentiful of habits as well. Which strongly reminds me of reflective parenting by Phil Haack. Yesterday evening I found myself ruminating on what to do with gift money. Yes, again. %) After I thought about melodica I started thinking that I might have too little time to improve myself and band together with my friend who (conviniently) are switching to ukulele from bass. It went on long enought which made me realise that all my game-, book-, whatever-choosing is about "overoptimization obsession", especially when it comes to time. Irony is that I actually lose more time than I win exactly because of trying to optimize. I do understand where it comes throught: my last year in school and two first years in university was really hard for me. I barely had time to rest well, so fear to lose time or fear to get too tired stood with me. About time I deal with it, I guess) Damn, I hope I don't look like total smug after this entry... ^^'
"I thought about writting a guide for the game but dismissed the idea. I also thought: “Why I can’t be normal and be able to play games in moderation?”" IMHO, one needs to play moba constantly to do it well because of constant patches. This is what turned me off the genre, I wanted something to let the steam off, not another (odd) chore.
Day 48 I went to another procedure today. This procedure mostly have to do with uncluttering my frontal sinus. Actually did solid 5 hours of work finishing one of the lingering tasks today. Then my energy went out( I feel a bit on edge not working while others do, including one of my friends who's also sick. Well, he's in totally different business, but this makes me kind of on endge and feeling guilty. I don't think forcing myself to work would benefit me OR project at this point but the feelings stays. Got early birthday present today. Now I can afford... well, some triggering-at-this-forum stuff) Two months ago I would probably immediately but it, now I'm thinking about investing into qualiy bicycle clothes to continue riding to subway all the way till snow. Dunno. Can't quite figure out how to invest it atm. Gaming-related notes: Discussed that "triggering hardware" with a friend of mine. He's gaming a lot at his vacation but even the he says his console mostly collects dust and that's given at our age. Yeah, I guess he's right. Thing is, I can't figure out how to make time to some of the hobbies that were meaningfull to me, socail and skill-based at the same time. Most of the time when I tried to return to them I had problems maintaing my skill given the ammount of free time. I thinkg I should reconsider how exactly I spend time I have and rearrange it into bigger chunks (to play Go) or more frequent chunks (to practive melodica).
Day 46 - Day 47 Doctors are refusing to let me off the sick list which is bad, but I got solid diagnosis and effective treatment, which is good. Got so much better after first procedure. Things are a bit shaky at work, I am repeatedly called back. Without too much pressure, but for the second time this week. Luckily I can work at home. I should have stayed home to heal properly last time I got sick. Tbh, I decided to do it this time because I got sick just two months after previous time. I hope I'd see my family this weekend: I miss my son and wife, and I am turning 30 soon.
Gaming-related notes: I picked up the VN I was waiting for and I really like first 1.5 hours of reading. Combine me some mechs, anime girls and deep sci-fi plot, then I'm in) More seriosuly, I do want to play some platformers I was mostly reading popular science book name "Someone is wrong in the internet" or reading VN I mentioned earlier. Did some studyuing yesterday too, but not as much as I wished to.
There's a lot of self-reflection, but I doubt this much self-loathing would do you any good. Try to build counter-habits like reading or exercisings since just avoiding youtube won't work. Or do 20 push-ups every time you open YouTube page)
"I have been thinking about pornstar names, I have forgotten some names but not all of them. Last night I felt a craving while laying down in bed with my cellphone. I also thought of calling my girlfriend to we could meet tomorrow, but I didn’t." I wonder why? This alternative is so much better.
You're right. I remember being irritated by a phone call from my relatives when I was enthusiastically clearing the next dungeon, for example. I don't like to be interrupted of any activity, but gaming has more "itches" to return immediately.
Day 45 I'm mostly amoebed away this day. Might be the antibiotics, I dunno. Being called from work two times was not helpful. %) By the evening I finally took a healthy nap and then my oldes friend dropped by. That was great. We know each other for 20+ years but do not meet each other too often. (Which reminds me to call my relatives) Desire to game some time away was strong today: it was hard to concentrate on reading, so most of the day was spent trying to sleep or mindlessly cheking the web. I wish I had an off switch on my body for days like this one) I feel much better now, I plan to take on more day to recover and actually read something this time.
Other than feeling guilty, I hope you're not repeating a lot scenes in your mind - the ones where you could have proven yourself right? Like "damn, I should have used that argument there". Sometimes people replay these things IRL in next relationship to be right this time. (Full disclosure: I was guilty of such thoughts, but thanfully each time I refrained from replaying a quarrel from one relationship in another)
>> honestly i feel the effects of the detox already, just continuing it to stay on track Keep at it) I think returning immediately might be like when one have a flu: "Ohh, I feel better already. Time to do some heavy lifting"