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destoroyah

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Everything posted by destoroyah

  1. destoroyah added a post in a topic Fidget toys   

    uh I meant Rubiks cube with "I cube".
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  2. destoroyah added a post in a topic Fidget toys   

    I cube, shuffle cards, pick locks, do tricks on a yoyo. But just a spinner? Do something that at least has some mastery.
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  3. destoroyah added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Oh no another loop...
    Good luck! 
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  4. destoroyah added a post in a topic Lacking the knowledge on a wide range of topics   

    I only know random shit, it's also depressing.
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  5. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #46:
    Still alive. I finally got thru work phase, now I only need to accomplish what a single person can accomplish and it feels like a vacation.
    I've gone back to gaming, due to the stress I've had, it really took me down. I'm recovering now, and my priority isn't to stop gaming, but to not fall over.
    I've kept up my training though, albeit all that shit, and I've improved on many levels. Haven't felt like drawing though.
    Guess it is hypocritical to keep posting as a gamer, that's why I haven't posted for a while, and because of the shit I was writing – it felt as if writing about my mind actually amplified negative thoughts, so I'll keep it short and simple in order to reset myself. I guess it is necessary and I should see my limits.
    I'll be back. I intend to quit gaming someday again, but currently I need to set other priorities – and it hasn't made a huge impact, I feel okay with it currently, sticking to NES games and Puzzle genre, though I just ordered a Switch.
    Heh. Pretty stupid, but looking forward to playing it, despite everything. I guess when I catch myself procrastinating – I might wake up again. But I haven't so far.
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  6. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    @WorkInProgress I reacted oversensitive. I am under a lot of pressure currently and that has made me stingy. If I made you feel bad, I apologize for that.
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  7. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    So I have noticed, it is a responsibility I am not worthy of. You are mimicking a vision that you have created. I'm not as great as you imagine. People need idols and scapegoats sometimes, fathers, mothers. Create ghosts, spirits, totems and illusions. Carrots on a stick, once you reach 'em you realize that carrots taste like shit, but they keep you moving. Coping with changes. It's a motor to keep you running. It works for a while, until you can generate energy by yourself. Take me. Take some movie character, a celebrity, an animal – it doesn't matter. In the end, it is you who defined it. Who put worth into it. Who made it work. You are not mimicking me, you are mimicking a future self called destoroyah. Take whats of use from me, and keep moving until you work yourself. And you will.
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  8. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    @WorkInProgress I feel offended by that suggestion, you can't just come out of the blue and say that. You don't know what situation I am in. Working my job fulltime this month – because my colleague broke his leg/knee, and studying at the same time, failing exams and no one to cover my back. It'd get anyone to his limits, if you add the housekeeping. I can't retreat to my parents. My flatmates are nice but they're kind of "not grown up" at the same time. It's comparable to being a single mom with a job, I have like 45 free minutes per weekday if I want to live healthy. That is not enough time to sort my thoughts.
    Don't "go to psychiatrist" me, if I were in a situation grave enough – I wouldn't be chillin' on these forums. That is just about the worst thing anyone could say to me, spiting doubt in my own psychological integrity. Bah. If I were depressed – OK. If I wrote about suicide – OK. Obviously you haven't understood what I have been doing up there, I was analyzing myself on a deep level.
    I would daresay it requires a shitload of psychological integrity to even do that.
    I know you just rushed out "from the blind" – and that's cool, it's good to have you back, but you need to check up on people before you write. Stop being an idiot. No hard feelings, and I don't give a shit.
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  9. destoroyah added a post in a topic Thinking about proposing to girlfriend but worried that I may not have enough groomsmen   

    Ignoring your texts? Texting is for Sissys! Give him a call!
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  10. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    Thank you all for the advice.
    It's good to see that you guys care.
    I will sort this shit out somehow – give me some time.
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  11. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    @Pierce Don't worry. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't mastered death and rebirth.
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  12. destoroyah added a post in a topic If Game Quitters had ads, what would you like to see?   

    I personally think that advertisement contributes to the degeneration of humanity.
     
    But if you need the cash – go for it.
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  13. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Journey Within   

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_I2p50rb6E
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  14. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    LMFAO. Dude, I couldn't sleep either man, I think it's the weather, something is all fucky here!! I woke up with a twisted neck and today I felt like a zombie.
    PS: My balls were good though, check my Instagram:
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  15. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Game Destroyer's Journal   

    I'm sure you will very soon find a million better things in life than gaming!!
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  16. destoroyah added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    I'm happy to read that entry Csaba! I think it's good that you made it all the way through and that you have made many positive experiences. That you have learnt many things about yourself and are now able to think about your next step with more precision.
    Going back to gaming is OK I think, you have proven that you can manage when your life hits a wall and that it is a conscious decision. Like I said in my E-Mail, I believe that you can manage gaming in moderation, or that it is at least worth a try and that you will have enough willpower and self-awareness to pull the plug when necessary. I really wish that you may find some passion that gives you equal fulfillment – it doesn't need to replace gaming though, because that would only downsize your scope!
    I hope you will still occasionally drop by the forums and that we may keep contact every now and then as accountability partners – in whatever cause we are up to.
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  17. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    @Csaba_Bekesi I'm an outsider. I live together with 2 guys, one of them has no awareness, memory and no empathy. The other is like a kid. I'm like their mother and father in one, and I "manage" everything here, because I keep all the contracts and financials down. I keep it democratic, but sometimes I need to decide on matters. I have no one to fall back on, sometimes the burden is too heavy to carry and I fall into a "no one gives me anything" rage. Even though I lashed out in the above text – I am usually very kind to them, or at least "firm". I write the thoughts down, to cast them away, to criticize myself as objectively as I can.
    Regarding the points you made, you might be right about having to be more open to new people and being less focused on them "giving" me. But the problem I face in my reality that I have no one that backs me. No one tells me that I do well, I get no feedback, and if I do, it is from sources that I am managing – so I need to doubt them at all times because in 50% of the cases it is unjustified or wrong (and I need not only doubt them but also myself in my judgement).
    I am not insecure, I don't struggle with accepting myself. I am as "man" as I can be, but I am alone against many. They all got girlfriends and family to back them – I don't. I can't consult anyone, because my matters are... well my friends are all not in the same position as me, so they can't consult me. If they ever go against me, they can draw energy from their girlfriends and relatives – I only got this.
    I may never cry. I may never scream. I may never say "I don't know" or "I can't do this" – or this ship sinks. It's psychologically deeply rooted in being the child of an alcoholic parent, something I may never fix. Not even if I have a person to "lean" on, I would crush them. I must take the hit. I must take it. I must be strong enough not to flinch. I must remain standing whatever the fuck happens, because I am the first and last bastion. It all results from "no one may ever find out my mom's a drunk to maintain a "normal" life, even if she yells at me.", and goes well with a pinch of megalomaniac. I relentlessly keep myself in check though with Music, Sports and Art. I need that as not to explode.
    But you are right, I must be aware and not heed negative thoughts. No matter how hard it gets, I shall never blame other people, because once I do – I destroy them because I don't know when it's enough, because I have no way to assess "normality". Luckily that has rarely happened, and when it does – I have trained myself to not take revenge, and just abort contact. Resulting in me being a fucking outsider. 
    My inability to assess normality also allows me to go all out, which is a bonus. But yea, I'm fucking stupid. I've grown to be like this and... I've grown to live with it. It's actually kind of interesting.
    HMMMMMMM. Now how do I fix that? Can I even? I am growing weary... tired. And whenever I am about to die, someone random comes along and says "whoa dude, you're crass man!" and I'm back on my feet.
    Now I've written down all these aspects, and I know every single one of them well. Chances are, I know them so well and keep them so well in check, that they don't even "exist" anymore in my outside personality. All that is left is that little freak in my head, that I occasionally unleash in my journal – my inner "child", that is always yelling and crying, because I never had the chance to.
    It's like I'm not even there. I'm just a defensive spell cast by a passerby – or my past self.
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  18. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    @28_yrs_of_gaming Thanks dude.
     
    ENTRY #45 – DAY X (no time for counting):
    A normal workday (I only manage to pull this off 2-3 times/week on working days):
    0720h Wake up
    0900h Work
    1300h Break
    1400h Work
    1800h Go Home
    1845h Run 7.5-10 kms at 8°C in a Hailstorm with 2 uphills in shorts and t-shirt (sometimes in the dark with a flashlight)
    19XXh Start Weightlifting (IDK why I need 2h to lift, I go slow and listen to Music)
    2200h Shower
    2215h Cook
    2230ish Eat & Watch an Episode of some dumb series
    2320ish Sleep
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  19. destoroyah added a post in a topic [DE] Mein Problem   

    Eigenschaft.
    Das Aufhören sollte keine Bestrafung sein – bzw. nicht die Eigenschaften einer Bestrafung haben.
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  20. destoroyah added a topic in Main Room   

    ADVANTAGES and PROBLEMS with Quitting Gaming
    I'm unsure if this thread was done before (couldn't find it in a quick scan), but I think everyone benefits from making this list – calling to mind the advantages should help you not to relapse. 
    Keep it short and juicy to make this thread a central point for quick motivation and inspiration but also to find out what others are struggling with (so that you know that you are not alone with your problem).
     
    ADVANTAGES:
    1.       saved time
    2.       sports = lean and healthy, posture
    3.       intimidating, less shy, kindness
    4.       money saved
    5.       mind and heart more unified, improved concentration, ability to listen, memory and organizational skills, multi-tasking, emotional stability, enjoy the things at hand, focus
    6.       read books, gain useful skills and get inspired
    7.       drawing and getting real appreciation feels much better
    8.       less things are reliant on chance, take control, grow much more predatory
    9.       open to new things/ideas, not afraid to try something new, horizon has expanded greatly.
    10.   eating habits have improved, healthy
     
    PROBLEMS:
    ·         Loneliness
    ·         Boredom
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  21. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #44 – DAY 0:
    Okay. Thing is, I played Diablo 1 after stumbling over an HD mod that enables it to play widescreen and 1080p and I was like "whoooaa".
    So I played it. And it was fuckin' awesome, it was everything I wanted it to be and the best Diablo ever. I've had a deep connection with this game, my brother and I have played it since release. This game is like... part of me. I think Diablo 2 and 3 are for pussies and Diablo 1 is the shit with proudness and everything. I love the sound design, I love the graphics, I love the stupid story and the fact that "This is the dungeon, there is only one dungeon and you have to keep on going down. This is it. Nothing else.". I loved the simplicity. The stupidity and the brutality. That after death you lose ALL your equipment and that players can hurt each other in multiplayer by default. The darkness and loneliness it conveys. The soundtrack.
    So... I'm not surprised that this game caught me. It's like... my favorite game of all time and it unifies all things I love about gaming.
    I just uninstalled it and deleted my save. Even though I had fun and even if it was the coolest shit ever, I realized that the hours were passing and I was out of this world. I realized that I was losing track of time. I noticed that I was not taking a shit when I needed to take a shit and that I was putting off other things as well. I realized that I was not confronting my emotions but rather putting them off. I noticed that with every hour I wasted on gaming, I was losing my edge – my ability to kick ass.
    I didn't make the 90 days detox and... well I wouldn't call myself a failure because I got like 89.5 and it isn't a black and white thing. It's not like on day 90 some enlightenment occurs and you get your shit straight – but deep inside I probably was kind of expecting that. I was expecting that shit would "solve itself" when I abstain from gaming and I was "let down" by the fact that it doesn't. It's not that simple, the changes are gradual and very hard to notice, it's hard to keep track. In my disappointment I manifested doubt in me, and that doubt led to the relapse. I was thinking "well, if shit doesn't make a difference anyways, I might as well play videogames! Oh cool, check it out, the Diablo 1 mod I've been hoping for since the last decade! What a coincidence!". I hadn't accomplished many improvements in my life, and the improvements were very subtle.
    To rebuild myself I need to assess some things that "not-gaming" has brought into my life:
    ADVANTAGES:
    1.       saved time
    2.       sports = lean and healthy, posture
    3.       intimidating, less shy, kindness
    4.       cash
    5.       mind and heart more unified, improved concentration, ability to listen, memory and organizational skills, multi-tasking, emotional stability, enjoy the things at hand, focus
    6.       read books, gain useful skills and get inspired
    7.       drawing and getting real appreciation feels much better
    8.       less things are reliant on chance, take control, grow much more predatory
    9.       open to new things, not afraid to try something new, horizon has expanded greatly.
    10.   eating habits have improved, healthy
     
    PROBLEMS:
    ·         Loneliness
    ·         Boredom
     
    I hope my 2.5 days of relapse have not too much negative impact. In my mind I will treat my relapse as an experiment as to how gaming is affecting me with new eyes. Not as a failure to complete 90 days, in my mind I'll just pretend that I made it as to not have too much negativity hovering over me. Losing my self-trust and confidence would be counter-productive.
    I will print out this list as a reminder of the improvements I have made, to motivate me to "stick to it".
     
    What follows now is a tedious session of finding out what's fucked up, I don't recommend reading it (it's full of shit, kinda):
    For clarity on colors, see notes at ***, don't worry, I'm just analyzing myself to assess damage.
    What a chore. I hope I don't lose my stability in "not-gaming". I should have written such a list sooner, I never made clear to myself that I am improving, no one around IRL has cheered me on. Fuck! Always telling myself that I'm good enough to handle my own shit can turn into a problem when I stumble. I need to rely on people more, sadly I seem to be fucking terrible at finding new friends. I have learned to find friends by smoking weed, drinking and playing games – I need new methods. Having turned 30 hasn't made things easier though, they all expect you to be a professional at this age, so you can't just march in as a dumbass and learn from your mistakes – you gotta read up on what you get into. I need to find methods of getting to know people – or better yet finding methods on getting to know people that I like. I dislike them all. I need to work on myself in that aspect. I need to find out why I think that everyone is a stupid motherfucker. I need to find out why I find it a "waste of time" to converse with them. Why I feel that they never tell me anything new, why I feel that there is no information in their heads of use.
    I'm stuck up. But that isn't all of it. I'm an elitist and acting more on the part than being it. I need to lower my expectations of others, but it seems unreasonable because I'm struggling with so much and I see dumb motherfuckers all about snacking at McDonald's and playing "Match 3 Games".
    How the fuck am I supposed to make friends with these people? Either they're fucking clueless – or they know so much about their subject that they're fucking busy smartassing me up about it.
    That is my perception at least. And it is false. I generalize too much. I need to find the middle-ground, but the middle ground is so low profile that it never reaches my attention. I only look up and down.
    Hm. Okay. Well I can't change the world, so I'll need to discover some new social weaknesses in me that need fixing. Sadly I am surrounded by dumb motherfuckers in my apartment that can't teach me jack despite me having the attitude "everyone can teach me something". They can't. One of them needs more iodine in his thyroid gland and the other is 10 years younger than me living in vanity. I see no trait in them that impresses me the slightest. Is that already the error? Should I be able to see the positive thing in them? One of them is busy constantly challenging me in every single aspect thinkable, constantly having moodswings and lashing unfounded aggression at me, promising things that he doesn't keep based on his "forgetfulness" because he has some easy-to-fix hormone deficiency and the other hasn't realized yet that you should take out the trash, when the trashcan is full, and remove your moldy shit from the fridge, when the fridge stinks and take a piss while sitting down so the toilet don't smell like urine and throw away a dirty sponge when packing out a new one instead of hiding it for "safe keeping". Fucking idiots. How am I able to learn from them? You tell me. And whats worst is that they both have girlfriends that giggle 24/7. Like WTF, these guys couldn't wipe their own ass if a Mafiosi put a Tommy gun to their head, and they are in stupid happy relationships.
    Is that unfair? No, I don't have a girlfriend because I lack the ability to see past the 100 flaws and weaknesses that I spot at first sight. I have become wary that I should never attempt to fix them, but I also know that if I don't fix them that I have to live with them. And I don't. I don't want to live with your illness, stupidity, addiction and unhealthy shit. Your dorky face and ugly butt. Your lack of education. Your inability to fight, work hard and improve yourself. Your inability to speak open about it. Your fucking WhatsApp and smartphone addiction. Your fake fingernails and overdone makeup. Your shitty taste in music that I'd feel embarrassed for. Your inability to discern a good movie from a bad one. Your inability to speak English as well as I do. Your inability to sit down and get your ass to do shit. Your inability to take a drill and drill a hole in the wall. To fix shit. What can a woman give me except sex? Nothing. In fact she just lays hurdles. Stupid hurdles that I kick out of my way. Since the emancipation of women, I have been left with teaching myself how to clean, cook and get my room to look tidy and "in chime" with colors. I have been left with teaching myself the fashion and good clothes. Teaching myself to treat my body. If anyone tells me something new, I feel challenged in my competence. So what's left for you to do for me? Nothing. How can we have fun together? I'll tell you, Step 1: Quit wasting my time. Step 2: Stay the fuck out of my way. Step 3: You don't tell me anything. Step 4: Ask directly for my help if you need it, because I won't help you otherwise. Yea, that's me putting the "nsh" in "relationship" – the sound of getting punched in the face that is.
    I know what I just wrote down is wrong. And I know some women probably think similarly, and I really really want to stay out of their way, because I know they'd explode my face.
    But that's the frustration that I need to get rid off. Those are the things that I need to work out in order to get along with people. I think more negative about them, than positive. In fact, I see no single positive trait in any person, except the few friends I have. That's not a good basis for getting to know people.
    I really don't know how to fix this. I'm reading "How to win friends and influence people" but all I see are new tactics to manipulate them. To get them to do what I want them to do. Not a book on how to "Accept their idiocy" to "See the good in them".
    Maybe I'm just really unlucky with the people I've met so far in life (actually I really believe this), but my experience has shaped me – and the result is a fucked up antisocial piece of shit. I'm not rude, I'm not unkind, I'm just extremely defensive and life has taught me to stay the fuck away from people because they fuck my shit up. I'm not afraid of them. I'm not anxious. I just see no good in them. NOTHING good. Not a single good trait. NOTHING. And if someone is superior to me, I only attempt to find methods to make their positive traits my own. Learn from them. But I don't need them around to learn from them, I can teach myself after I have seen their strength. In fact, I have never really learned from anybody. I get like an inferiority complex when someone is better than me. Then I hide, train train train, and come back when I'm better than them. Or comparable. I don't challenge them then, but I feel safe and I don't need to avoid them then. I'm totally fucked up. There is no light in my world.
    How can I fix that? Do I need a shrink? I don't think I can accept a shrink, because the second he tells me something I'd feel challenged by him and I'd want to prove him wrong or get my own degree in psychology so I don't need to accept him as my mentor – so I don't need to listen to his potentially incompetent bullshit. No matter the cost.
    So there's my problem. I can't accept the idea of anyone being better than me. In ANYTHING. And anyone who is worse than me is deemed a "SUCKA" that needs to be told. I have stopped telling for now though, but the perspective remains.
    It doesn't make sense though, because in reality I am quite "calm" and a "good person" – at least if I can heed the feedback that I get. But what's going on in my mind, a constant struggle and over-the-top competitiveness is the complete opposite of what I seem to be to the outside world.
    ***I need a model:
    Outside me (only assessable by feedback from other people, which is oddly usually positive in nature – but this may have other reasons)Inside me (instinct; evil, competitive, apeman, cool, exciting, masculine) <– fucked up by living in a weird world and having learnt stupid truths, learns whatever it wantsdeep inside me (reason; good, smart, slow, requires lots of peace to work, has not much to say and is pretty boring) <– learns what I choose.I just realized this is the same model as David Kahneman in "thinking fast and slow". I should finish that book.
    Hm. Whatever. Time I get moving. Stupid fucking mental work, I hate this shit. My "problems" and shit, I wanna punch someone! Stupid freaking girlsy waste of time shit. As if anything I ever write down in one of these sessions ever hits the mark. Motherfucking piece of shit crap world shit.
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  22. destoroyah added a post in a topic Thinking about proposing to girlfriend but worried that I may not have enough groomsmen   

    Uh. Well being more resilient would be pointing out to your mom that it isn't any of her business, and telling your cousin that you don't want him to be your best man. If he asks "Why?" tell him what you just posted in all honesty. If mom says "But who'll you take then?" tell her that you'd rather have no one as best man and the freedom to choose for yourself, because if you can't make a decision like that on your own, you are not fit for marriage and certainly not fit to raise a kid/keep a family together. If she says "I just want to help" tell her that you gotta learn shit like this sooner or later and that it isn't helping if you are constantly steered around problems by her – because you never get to solve your own shit.
    If you choose this route, be prepared to handle the consequences, they will probably limit their support. Don't break off your support wheels if you
    a) can't ride a bike
    or
    b) can't handle the pain of your face grinding the asphalt
    If you can't endure pain: Study study study to avoid it. If you can't be smart: Train train train to endure everything. A mix of the two works best.
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  23. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #43:
    I relapsed yesterday. On day 89. I must be fucking stupid. Day 89, psh. Fuck this.
    I don't know what to write. Easter caught me in a bad situation. The weather is extremely shitty, people are all spending time with their family and I got too much free time on my hands – alone.
    That isn't fair, but I guess anyone who relapses has something like this to say, so I stopped counting. I will start over next week, I won't pressure myself, because bashing myself over it would be counter-productive. I hope it works out.
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  24. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    Thanks @Csaba_Bekesi . I got back some footing. I don't know, I've been having moodswings lately. Maybe because my life is like this:
    1) too much free time
    2) no free time at all
    3) goto 1)
    Fuckn loops.
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  25. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Journey Within   


     
     
    Eat them for breakfast.
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