ENTRY #52: I don't have time to finish my bachelor, because my part time job is getting in my way. That fucking sucks and it's making me mad. I need the cash though. By the end of the year they will replace my position with a fulltime position, I have shown no interest in taking that position, because I don't want to be stuck in that kind of work. It's really stressful and it has nothing to do with engineering. I have to be nice to people. I'm worried about shit, but... ach, I will find a way. Evil never dies, and so I will survive. Creeping. Crawling like a parasite. Infesting shit and consuming it. I will miss my colleagues and I feel bad about being replaced. I don't want to be replaceable, I want to be special and shit - like everyone else. I have come to realize though, that I have never been replaced. My place has always been with me, and if I was somewhere else, so I have moved my place there. I never want to be missed, that would defeat my purpose. I am here to consume all that is bad. Be a scapegoat and whatnot. A monolith, a bad example, or whatever. My presence makes them feel better. They can focus their unease at me and it gives them something to stand and unite against. And I can take it. I can take it all, because I am already dead. My colleagues have never made me feel that way though, so I guess I might actually miss them. They managed to see some quality in me – or something. Damn, still an idiot. What the shit, do I have a martyr complex? Sheesh. I will take my shit and go, no problem, and I won't be missed, I will make my path the path you will gleam at with jealousy. To prevail. I will embrace my aggression like floating on an ocean. I will be carried forever. I fucking hate people. People are like a bad habit. They waste my time, but I need them or something. People.
I feel the urge to consume eternal darkness. Breathing in a vacuum to satisfy my hunger. Infinite space, within my heart. No world can fill that gap, no soul can survive its emptiness. I have become one with it. I am what I fear. I am relentless and I will never die. Like cancer. I will consume everything and unite it.
@zeke365 maybe update java, Firefox, and all its modules. clear cookies for this site, or all of them. I'm writing this on Edge. Edge fucking sucks, but it works sometimes, so I don't think it's the site. uninstall, reinstall. format c:\ buy a new pc nuke a server
Yea. Thinking only bogs you down and turns you into a burden. By worrying about being a good person, you might actually turn into an annoying person that has a bad effect. I stopped caring. I discarded my ideals and morals - not to break them or act against them, but to move freely. I just don't care anymore, because it isn't always up to me how I act. It isn't up to me to judge myself and set the standards. A good day makes me smile, and a bad one lash out in anger - not like I chose the circumstances. My hands are of much more use now. People that still have the morals and ideals are brooding trouble and conflict. Not just brooding it, but unearthing anything to find it and have an argument about something that doesn't fucking matter if you take it down to the scope where you are at. The kitchen or your workplace is more of a matter of cockroaches and dishes than CO2 emissions. They always get busy attempting to make the people around themselves look bad, and if they can't then they will find a reason why they are acting better. Fuck that. In my eyes they haven't suffered enough pain to see the world as it is. Gray - not black and white. They are stuck in a candy-dream spoiled rotten. Psh. If they ever seek me out, I usually tell them "You shouldn't waste your precious time on me, you should seek out people that haven't yet given up their ideals, hopes and dreams." - they usually take that as a compliment with a lot of positivity and leave, when in fact I was actually throwing a curveball at their fucking face with +10 years experience. Surely, if you lead an enterprise you should put thought into it - but a normal person is sufficient by putting their waste in the trashcan and using a condom. Don't be grand. Don't be a special snowflake. Always attempt to solve your own idiocy.
@Mettermrck Weightlifting and stuff. I had been sick a couple of weeks and have been struggling getting back into it. I had a tough time, as I was writing exams while being ill (the results are actually quite admirable considering the circumstances – I was also coping with other trouble at two fronts at the time). Now it seems, my body is taking all the rest it can get. I'm always hungry and always tired. Time goes by in an instant, everything is moving so fast. I guess it's okay to float in the ether a couple of weeks, nevertheless I gotta keep grounded, vigilant and things in check. Who knows when new shit will hit the fan.
ENTRY #51: I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that I'm an idiot. Then again... I'm pretty sure he wouldn't listen and ruminating isn't one of my good sides. I shredded my exams with As and Bs – pretty good, huh? Then again... I'm overdue to accomplish something. Training has become tough, I lost 16,6666% of my power. Brutal.
ENTRY #50: Usually my hatred is the only thing that gets me moving and keeps me going no matter what. Is that despicable? Is that disturbed? I stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I stopped caring whether or not my motivation is founded in "good character". The worse my reason was, the better. My inner ugliness has always kept me grounded with this earth. By stopping my self denial have I become an animal, but at least I am unstoppable and I will not falter. I will never die.
Uh... Sorry I didn't write more before, I have little time as of late... I feel really bad about that now. I wasn't aware circumstances were so grave. I hope you realize that you still have most of your life ahead of you, and with your age nothing is set in stone. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Your life is not fucked up at all. It's good, be happy. Women come and go, and so do friends. Yea they're cool, yea we want them in our lives, but the more we want them or need them – the less we get them. So fuck 'em, get busy with something you care about and the like-minded will find you.
Sorry, didn't have time to read it all, so I write some oraculous shit. Make change your home and anguish your peace, men are built on wrong decisions. It's not about the decisions, but how you handle the consequences: live with them, or shift the rudder quickly with determination if there is a chance. Accept your ugly sides, they become better. You can rely on them the most, they grant you stability. Carry your heart outward, no matter how many arrows pierce it or words scar it. It will survive or die, either way is a good one. Do what you believe in, and people will stand behind you. Never waver, or they will eat you.