ENTRY #46: Still alive. I finally got thru work phase, now I only need to accomplish what a single person can accomplish and it feels like a vacation. I've gone back to gaming, due to the stress I've had, it really took me down. I'm recovering now, and my priority isn't to stop gaming, but to not fall over. I've kept up my training though, albeit all that shit, and I've improved on many levels. Haven't felt like drawing though. Guess it is hypocritical to keep posting as a gamer, that's why I haven't posted for a while, and because of the shit I was writing – it felt as if writing about my mind actually amplified negative thoughts, so I'll keep it short and simple in order to reset myself. I guess it is necessary and I should see my limits. I'll be back. I intend to quit gaming someday again, but currently I need to set other priorities – and it hasn't made a huge impact, I feel okay with it currently, sticking to NES games and Puzzle genre, though I just ordered a Switch. Heh. Pretty stupid, but looking forward to playing it, despite everything. I guess when I catch myself procrastinating – I might wake up again. But I haven't so far.
So I have noticed, it is a responsibility I am not worthy of. You are mimicking a vision that you have created. I'm not as great as you imagine. People need idols and scapegoats sometimes, fathers, mothers. Create ghosts, spirits, totems and illusions. Carrots on a stick, once you reach 'em you realize that carrots taste like shit, but they keep you moving. Coping with changes. It's a motor to keep you running. It works for a while, until you can generate energy by yourself. Take me. Take some movie character, a celebrity, an animal – it doesn't matter. In the end, it is you who defined it. Who put worth into it. Who made it work. You are not mimicking me, you are mimicking a future self called destoroyah. Take whats of use from me, and keep moving until you work yourself. And you will.
@WorkInProgress I feel offended by that suggestion, you can't just come out of the blue and say that. You don't know what situation I am in. Working my job fulltime this month – because my colleague broke his leg/knee, and studying at the same time, failing exams and no one to cover my back. It'd get anyone to his limits, if you add the housekeeping. I can't retreat to my parents. My flatmates are nice but they're kind of "not grown up" at the same time. It's comparable to being a single mom with a job, I have like 45 free minutes per weekday if I want to live healthy. That is not enough time to sort my thoughts. Don't "go to psychiatrist" me, if I were in a situation grave enough – I wouldn't be chillin' on these forums. That is just about the worst thing anyone could say to me, spiting doubt in my own psychological integrity. Bah. If I were depressed – OK. If I wrote about suicide – OK. Obviously you haven't understood what I have been doing up there, I was analyzing myself on a deep level. I would daresay it requires a shitload of psychological integrity to even do that. I know you just rushed out "from the blind" – and that's cool, it's good to have you back, but you need to check up on people before you write. Stop being an idiot. No hard feelings, and I don't give a shit.
LMFAO. Dude, I couldn't sleep either man, I think it's the weather, something is all fucky here!! I woke up with a twisted neck and today I felt like a zombie. PS: My balls were good though, check my Instagram:
I'm happy to read that entry Csaba! I think it's good that you made it all the way through and that you have made many positive experiences. That you have learnt many things about yourself and are now able to think about your next step with more precision. Going back to gaming is OK I think, you have proven that you can manage when your life hits a wall and that it is a conscious decision. Like I said in my E-Mail, I believe that you can manage gaming in moderation, or that it is at least worth a try and that you will have enough willpower and self-awareness to pull the plug when necessary. I really wish that you may find some passion that gives you equal fulfillment – it doesn't need to replace gaming though, because that would only downsize your scope! I hope you will still occasionally drop by the forums and that we may keep contact every now and then as accountability partners – in whatever cause we are up to.
@Csaba_Bekesi I'm an outsider. I live together with 2 guys, one of them has no awareness, memory and no empathy. The other is like a kid. I'm like their mother and father in one, and I "manage" everything here, because I keep all the contracts and financials down. I keep it democratic, but sometimes I need to decide on matters. I have no one to fall back on, sometimes the burden is too heavy to carry and I fall into a "no one gives me anything" rage. Even though I lashed out in the above text – I am usually very kind to them, or at least "firm". I write the thoughts down, to cast them away, to criticize myself as objectively as I can. Regarding the points you made, you might be right about having to be more open to new people and being less focused on them "giving" me. But the problem I face in my reality that I have no one that backs me. No one tells me that I do well, I get no feedback, and if I do, it is from sources that I am managing – so I need to doubt them at all times because in 50% of the cases it is unjustified or wrong (and I need not only doubt them but also myself in my judgement). I am not insecure, I don't struggle with accepting myself. I am as "man" as I can be, but I am alone against many. They all got girlfriends and family to back them – I don't. I can't consult anyone, because my matters are... well my friends are all not in the same position as me, so they can't consult me. If they ever go against me, they can draw energy from their girlfriends and relatives – I only got this. I may never cry. I may never scream. I may never say "I don't know" or "I can't do this" – or this ship sinks. It's psychologically deeply rooted in being the child of an alcoholic parent, something I may never fix. Not even if I have a person to "lean" on, I would crush them. I must take the hit. I must take it. I must be strong enough not to flinch. I must remain standing whatever the fuck happens, because I am the first and last bastion. It all results from "no one may ever find out my mom's a drunk to maintain a "normal" life, even if she yells at me.", and goes well with a pinch of megalomaniac. I relentlessly keep myself in check though with Music, Sports and Art. I need that as not to explode. But you are right, I must be aware and not heed negative thoughts. No matter how hard it gets, I shall never blame other people, because once I do – I destroy them because I don't know when it's enough, because I have no way to assess "normality". Luckily that has rarely happened, and when it does – I have trained myself to not take revenge, and just abort contact. Resulting in me being a fucking outsider. My inability to assess normality also allows me to go all out, which is a bonus. But yea, I'm fucking stupid. I've grown to be like this and... I've grown to live with it. It's actually kind of interesting. HMMMMMMM. Now how do I fix that? Can I even? I am growing weary... tired. And whenever I am about to die, someone random comes along and says "whoa dude, you're crass man!" and I'm back on my feet. Now I've written down all these aspects, and I know every single one of them well. Chances are, I know them so well and keep them so well in check, that they don't even "exist" anymore in my outside personality. All that is left is that little freak in my head, that I occasionally unleash in my journal – my inner "child", that is always yelling and crying, because I never had the chance to. It's like I'm not even there. I'm just a defensive spell cast by a passerby – or my past self.