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I don't believe I have looked into that workbook. It's tough, I've been so overwhelmed that I feel like I'm too exhausted to even process my issues any further than putting a label on my problems. "Putting a label" might seem like a reductionist way of describing my struggles but I have actually put thought into what my problems are and even some solutions, but I just can't bring myself to execute those things. I've been a mess for a while and it takes a lot for me to push for change. I appreciate your support in my time of turmoil.

Day #115 I've been having a lot of negative thoughts, and they've been haunting me during the final stretch of this semester. Lots of impostor syndrome and wondering if I'm ever going to become a professional artist. I'm actively watching myself fall into defeatist attitudes and visualizing myself not making it. Obviously, the #1 thing that matters is whether or not I'm happy, but I'm sad that I'm not able to maintain a level of discipline to take small steps to reach my goals. I quit video games so I could focus on my studies and my growth as an artist, but I've been stuck on step 1 forever now. I need to buckle down and figure out what my next step is and force myself through my mental paralysis. Yeah, I've been really unhappy lately. It's SUUUUUCKS. Didn't get a lot of work done today. I actually just remembered that I did sketch earlier. I finally did it after a long period of time, so I guess that's a small victory. Not even... as I'm typing this I'm realizing that it's actually a bigger achievement than I'm making it out to be, I'm glad I did some drawing today. My brain just REALLY hates me lately, that's all. What I'm thankful for: The faculty of my intense art program granting me a chance to have a future in the upper division art classes. Goals for Day #116: Work on comps for final digital painting More progress on animation final; shoot video reference

After learning more about hobbies and doing a relapse, I've learned something that'll help me with my journey. 1. All the games a person plays, no matter what, will eventually become worthless as the progress of the game is bound by a developer who will eventually move on. With this knowledge, I now know that if I want to do something that'll give value to me for a long time, I'll have to make something instead of using things others have made. 2. I can reduce the amount of hours I play video games to 1-2 hours whilst still being with friends and if a game I'm playing has no friends or doesn't really have anything that I truly like about the game, it's best to simply not play at all and use my time doing other things. 3. If a game is played not to progress but instead for fun, you start to see how a game keeps people attached as people keep playing to search for that fun, that happiness. Once you see that games keep you busy instead of giving you true entertainment, that time is better spent being busy with things that are actually important. Though I relapsed, these things I've learned will help me in understanding myself and my next attempt. Up next, making a schedule and learning how to utilize it whilst learning new hobbies. round 2 here we go.

Food Schedule Update (24.4 - 8.5) Generally the same, the only change is that today I'll eat like on Friday and Saturday, because on Sunday I rode the bike like on Friday Saturday and I want to replace the calories. If something like this happens again(6+ hrs ride), I reserve myself the right to eat as on Friday Saturday the day after to replace he lost calories Later update same day - If I run out of peanut butter on a friday-saturday may replace it one for one with tahini 1 More edit for clarification same day - once new pnb stock arrives, things go back to their order of course 🙂

April 23 (midday) There are a lot of old circuits for me 'upstairs'. One of them is gaming when I want to further celebrate a positive event/emotion. I'm sure I've typed it here once before, but excluding my 5-month detox last year, I got back on the gaming after one of my best friends' engagement party/actual wedding (I can't recall, even more sadly) at the end of 2019. Today was little different, with the addition of whichever kind of cold/flu I've picked up (an excuse for being inside or inactive) and the elation of collecting a birthday present from my mom at the post office, and discovering what it was. However, I know that even if I'm beating an addiction to the game I've played solely for 10 years, there still might be a mental addiction to 'grinding', be that repetitive clicking or even style of work. One of the only redemptions of my RPG was 'motivating' me to get up early and keep track of time (points gained per hour). Before that, I remember being woken up for school finally with splash of water to the face - I didn't mind that so much as the feeling that a family member felt that would be the best way to get me going. 😅 Regarding what @Pochatok shared last post, I did operate for about 1 year under similar self-guidance, but was at odds with my family for how hard I was pushing. I was 16, and didn't much like what I saw in the mirror or in the eyes of others. Come my 20th/21st, that was sort of what landed me in a hospital. ________________ Gratitude: ~ more very decent weather ~ the 2L actual drink bottle I received via post ~ a spark of creativity last night to come up with/plan some short stories ~ the curse/blessing of the internet Peace, ~ Matt

Entry 22.04 (Written on 23.04) Day 571: No Useless Videos Day 569: Sticking to Food schedule Day 173: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 163: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -6 pomodoros, I've already had days of 4 only... So this is better 🙂 -Completing workout main set at the gym within timeframe before it closed -Even though I was thinking I'll change schedule yesterday because i did 6.5 more hours on the bike two days ago so I wanted to load up on calories - after discovering it has been one day short of food schedule end I decided to remain with planned food schedule and only change it the next day 1 Thing I could do better -Write measuring myself at inbody machine(muscle mass, body fat percentage etc.) in schedule, it doesn't work writing it as a daily goal, it seems not to happen yet again

Day 6/14 Got a lot of stuff going on at the moment. Holiday planning, uni projects, various arrangements, and so on. But goes pretty well overall. A few urges.

imo, there is nothing you have but the present moment- every time an action is delayed (be it quitting your job cuz you don't like it (not to self-project, lol)), it is essentially erased from existence. the less I've been taking future- not just a month from now, but simply tomorrow, the very next hour -for granted, the more I've found myself working w/ my values and dreams. also, i recommend this video essay on purpose/reason for doing things. it has helped me tremendously.

Hey, have you encountered the "mindful self-compassion workbook"? has helped me tremendously in the 'being hard on yourself' issue. perhaps, what you're struggling w/ isn't reaching expectations, but setting them realistically. do you have an in-depth understanding of your circumstances, of your struggles, of your pains? how do your expectations take that into account? different things are hard for different people- don't beat yourself up for the universal human experience of struggling ❤️

Day 2 and 3 done. Still going well- stronger urges today, but simply thinking about it is a reminder that what I seek is love and compassion. Pornography never grants me those things. The urges are the strongest when I seem to be evading the present- in the state of "waiting". Today, I caught my urges peaking as I was waiting for lunch hour to begin. Why..? I don't even eat during lunchtime- I operate on my own schedule. Either way, any escapism desires are manifesting strongest in pornography these days- what I want to resort to, instead, is mindfulness- awareness, acceptance, and follow-through w/ the struggles and pains that drive my escapism.

Hi Everyone, Firstly, can I just say that Cam's work is literally saving lives. Thank you Cam for starting Game Quitters. After multiple relapses of trying to quit gaming over the past 3 years, I have finally cancelled and deleted all my games & accounts. Games were not exactly "taking over" my life, but they were a major time sink in the evenings after work and weekends. A part of me wanted to quit gaming but another part of me convinced myself that there was nothing else that could free my mind from the stresses of life the way games could. One day I tried something different. I typed out a letter to myself playing out how the next 6 months would go if all I did in my free time was gaming. I laid out the math and a thought experiment of what life COULD look like if all those hours were spent in other tangible hobbies instead and how the future me would thank me for making the right choice. I printed that letter and kept it on my desk. For the next 2 weeks, that letter was the first thing I saw when I sat down and turned on my PC. Sure enough, the day came when the message finally clicked in my brain. I am confident that I won't relapse now, because now my mind also 100% WANTS to be able to level up in real life. I can now envision a future for myself where gaming doesn't exist. I have totally no regrets on the time I have spent in gaming previously. It was a great hobby for the past 25 years, but I have chosen to move on. I plan to get rid of my gaming PC very soon & move to a Mac. Sharing the last paragraph of the letter I wrote to myself: "You know what needs to be done, so go do it. Do what it takes to get your life back from the fantasy gaming land, that sweet escape that provides false promises of happiness but instead results in loneliness and eventually depression. Just do it. If you have to, get that gaming PC out of sight, out of mind, smash it with a hammer if you must. Clean up your environment even if it means that you have to spend some money. Save the rest of your life first, worry about the money later. I am proud of you for taking this step. Future you will thank you later. Peace out." To anyone who is still trying hard to let go of gaming, I just want to say that there is no need to beat yourself up and compare yourself to others around you who never fell into the gaming world and seem to be living better lives. When you win the battle of You versus You, that is true success and growth. Everyone has their own journey in the game of life. Vik

Day #113-114 The weekend has largely been unproductive. Ive been really hard on myself lately and have questioned the impact video games have had on my day to day life. It's true that they were ultimately a detriment to my ambitions but the reality is that I'm still struggling a lot to reach my own expectations. Obviously I knew going into this detox that simply quitting won't be enough to make changes, and that I actively need to be proactive in making a difference in my lifestyle, but I've been struggling a lot with taking initiative in my own life. I always have. Easy things are hard for me, and I'll never fully understand why. What I'm thankful for: Still having time to gain momentum for finals Goals for Day #115: Work on animation final (time the keys)

April 22 I can't decide whether time has been passing slower or faster without gawking at my computer screen for half of the day, eating meal bites with every 'gap' in game-time. What I've been wondering about is whether the days have gone by in just moments of realisation that I'm choosing to do another things than gaming, and not scheming about what I should/would do on them, or whether I'm creating a solid story of my life throughout. That was a long sentence, probably borne of reading Sophie's Choice, where the sentences were often very long. What I thought of about the notion of actually making a story of one's life is that a well-lived story would be easier to work with when making my case at a ripe old age in order to be heaven-bound. Existential. Another book I read last year included that notion, and it stuck with me because it goes beyond mindfulness, and even fictional characters in stories inevitably form values. Mine ultimately kind of come down to a process/procedural kind of deal, like achieving peace before laying down order, and the like. That's not necessarily all on my resume though. Once upon a time (heh), gaming was honest and simple play, but small and large life events have slowly been pushing me past requiring that necessary play should take place primarily within pixels. Again, that has frightened me, sometimes. ________________ Gratitude: ~ the cold I may have picked up hasn't worsened today ~ I chose ginger over caffeinated tea in the late afternoon! ~ retired my large plastic water bottle to use a spare protein shaking cup to drink from (picked up what I had forgotten for awhile) ~ no hesitation to open up one of those basic maths books Good luck with the week's start, homies. ~ Matt

Entry 21.04 (Written on 22.04) Day 570: No Useless Videos Day 568: Sticking to Food schedule Day 172: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 162: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. Jesus today I have a long list of things I did well, difficult to choose just 3, nonetheless here are some 3 🙂 -6 hours of sales -6.5 hrs of deliveries resulting in 25 deliveries in high effort mostly 🙂 (Delivery norm for a 75$ bonus just barely) -Leaving bike in the morning tied at the bike repair place so that they may fix it, and telling them where the key is (Because my work starts before they open) 1 Thing I could do better -Do things a bit faster in the morning so that I finish the pomodoros earlier and on time

April 21 It was Sunday today, and one could say that 'the heat was off'. Nevertheless, I felt like signing in to that private server a couple of times for two feelings; that my head was clear and there could have been less harm in it, and that I simply felt positive and wanted to share that with whomever I could most easily reach. That passed though, and for the remainder of the day, I haven't even much wanted to have my laptop open. Gratitude: ~ another post-birthday meal with 3 other men's group members, where we pretty well got along with each other; shop staff too! ~ decent weather ~ getting moving out into the public space when I felt weak from a potential cold this morning ~ making my way to near the end of this book I never thought I'd finish reading Peace, ~ Matt

Entry 20.04 (Written on 21.04) Day 569: No Useless Videos Day 567: Sticking to Food schedule Day 171: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 161: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -Made an effort to ride on the old bike instead of using a chain from an unknown origin to fix the bike. -6 pomodoros at least =/ -Usually on my usual bike I do at least 3 deliveries an hour, but yesterday after 5 hours i was on an average of 2 per hour, despite that in about 3 and a half hours I put extra extra effort when I got wind form the amount of deliveries and in about 3.5 hours more I made 15 deliveries. I'm still finding it hard t believe. (Completed 25 delivery norm, resulting in a 50$ bonus ) 1 Thing I could do better -Decide faster what to write in the schedule

Day 4/14 Good day.

Yesterday I went to a jazz piano recital for over an hour. The music was energizing and classic, reminiscent of old Disney cartoons. People were raving about the performance and standing up to give the players a round of applause. But I was so bored and I was about to fall asleep. Bored, a world without games is really boring. Maybe, I need to think if I still have problems with my schedule.

Day one completed- I am committed to becoming a different person. Remember the future I want- and what it will take to get me there. Today, my main aim is to review a lot of my "everyday" habits, and eliminate all those useless- such as unguided learning, compulsory eating, lack of social engagement, lack of meditation, etc.. It's been overdue, for me to establish more long-term, far-outlook routines. Onwards- to aid my journey against addiction, I will take some time to read additional essays on healthy relationships❤️

April 20 I'll say this for evening shifts to finish off a day, they were something I had to stay up on duty for, so I did. This evening, even though I put my whole posterior into an at-short-notice workout in the same room as my Dad and friend, I've come home and had vegetables supplemented by a couple of his seasoned chicken legs, and I still have the 'cold' feeling; daylight saving is over and it's dark by 6 o'clock, and all I want to do is either laze or go mad exercising further, like I did as a teenager. I'm back typing here because of our shared inspiration and because I'm so used to working my keyboard - writing is different and I'm still not sure if I should cramp my hand whilst going too 'deep' on paper. Today, I spelt tournament as 'tournmant' at the same keyboard to my Dad, and he didn't pick me up on it. I wonder if that's cosmic in any way because I've stopped enforcing my little codes on others; I merely want to be surer that people's lives are actually improving when they come into contact with my own. I still would have welcomed something like "you're reading your most complex novel yet and you make a mistake like that?!". Lol - I'm 2/3 through 'Sophie's Choice', to clarify. ________________ Gratitude: ~ The on-and-off rain today lightened for a leisurely walk ~ I had just enough strength for a side-bend and 'torsonator twist' workout lasting ~45 minutes, using the same hunkered barbell - lots of fun <.< ~ Better focus on what I'm actually doing off of the computer, or off of games as a whole (making tea/lunch/cleaning etc) ~ Last night, 3 of us from our men's group spontaneously recommitted to going to the event 2 hours before, as I finished typing yesterday's post. I figure now that a whole day's planning/anticipation might have fudged it for us at this stage anyway. Props to the other two. Happy weekend again + peace, ~ Matt

Day #112 Today I lazed around for the most part. I actually slept a ton. Maybe I needed it, considering how much I was struggling to sleep during the week. In any case, I didn't do any homework today, and I'm honestly okay with that. I watched some movies with my mom, and I got some boba with my sister. It was a simple day, and I'm sure tomorrow my productive drive will kick in. What I'm thankful for: My mom allowing me to stay at her place, despite being a grown ass man. I hope to make her proud in the long run. Goals for Day #113: Get some homework done Spend time with sister

Onwards! 🙂

Entry 19.04 (Written on 20.04) Day 568: No Useless Videos Day 566: Sticking to Food schedule Day 170: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 160: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -Called bike shop to ask them to check the bike 3 hours before their closing time, been though they eventually ended up being too busy to check it and possibly fix it. -9 pomodoros -When the bike chain broke, quickly going home and replacing bike. Then continuing deliveries with the replacement bike. ending up in completing 26 deliveries 1 Thing I could do better -put sunscreen on legs and neck

Day 3/14 What I love most about this "challenge" is the extra time available during the day... it just feels good to have more time for things that matter. No major urges today.

Lets talk about the game. Last year I started gaming again after holding out for about a month without gaming. Because I didn't organize my time wisely and bored myself with too much free time, gaming became a way to kill time. Breaking my promise was an act of cheating myself, and I feel guilty about it until now. I may have lost a lot of good things while I was playing games to waste my time. So when my semester was over, I gave up gaming. It was a success, I organized my time with something meaningful every day, and now I feel energized and healthier. However, I also realized that the maybe the success wasn't my willpower that was strong enough. The social aspect of gaming is waning, and as we get older, friends who used to game together are starting jobs and have other things crowding their daily lives. In place of gaming, there are love relationships, fitness, and exhausting routine.