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Resonant_Shell
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Okay, I need to make myself start this.
It's not going to be perfect.
Of course there are things I will want to keep track of, but I need to remember the format will likely change over time.
It would seem more important to make a consistent habit of journaling than to have it follow a consistent format.

I also need to realize that I might not necessarily be able to write "catch up" notes up to this point.
I can likely edit posts later if necessary, anyway.

Nonetheless, it would be good to determine what time of day would be best for journaling.
Looking at the templates, it seems I was overthinking it in terms of the following: do I document the current day, the previous one, etc.
However, it'd be simplest to just document what has occurred since the previous entry.
For the first post, the beginning might be...more arbitrary.

---

Day 1 - 

Yesterday:

  • Time I went to sleep yesterday: About 10:00 PM (+)
  • (-) Haven't gamed (I'll have to go back to get # of days)
  • (-) Broke no fap after a four day streak. Shouldn't have used suspected colon pain as an excuse.
  • (-) Snacked late in evening
  • (-) Browsed memes in evening (Essentially resetting detox. Need to make combined counter...)

Today so far:

  • Time I woke up: 5:36 AM
  • Time I got out of bed: About 6:30 AM (+)
  • (+) Did 20 minutes of medium intensity elliptical machine exercise
  • (-) Had snack food for breakfast
  • (+) Starting this journal (finally!)

Feeling tired, probably because sleep was interrupted early. Boxer briefs only left me too cold in the morning I guess, despite using a blanket as a thin body pillow.

Might have some tea or something.

I hope I am able to get a lot of work done today. I need to login for it in a few minutes.

Edited by Resonant_Shell
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Day: ??. Let me elaborate:

  • I have not played video games since July 25th, 2021
  • I did play a couple games of "Guess" from Simon Tatham's Puzzles on my phone August 5th, 2021 while waiting for my car's tires to get rotated. Do I count that?
  • While I have managed to stay away from gaming videos, my weakness seems to be memes right now. I can tell I'm in avoidance / old patterns mode when I'm literally image searching for "memes" *facepalm*

While I haven't been gaming or wasting time on YouTube specifically, this doesn't seem better at first. Although, unlike with those too, I have been respecting a bedtime of about 10:00 PM.

I've thought about multiple counters...I'm already overthinking the format. Gah! It doesn't need to be perfect now, nor does this. Must...write...more...freely!

---

Sobriety Counters:

Day 17: NO VIDEOGAMES (Looks like a drastic jump from my first post, but see the notes above)

  • Day 0: No mindless internet (--, Relapsed; see above notes)
  • Day 0: No fap (--, Relapsed because I didn't want to go to the bathroom this morning even though I would have to anyway. Lame!!1)

(Taking some cues from other formats...)

Other Counters:

  •  In bed by 10:00 PM yesterday? Yes
    • (I think I will change this goal to 9:50 PM eventually)
    • (I wonder if I should make this a sobriety counter? Staying up late has been very harmful in the past!)
  • Sleep uninterrupted last night?    No; Woke up at about 4:00 AM. Made some Sleepytime tea and fell back asleep at about 5:00 AM. Still adjusting what I wear, blankets, etc. I guess.

(Still working on wake time criteria and formatting):

  • Time I woke up: Unknown
  • Time I got out of bed: About 6:44 AM (+)

 Data Items:

Yesterday:

  • Worked late, 6:00 to 9:00 PM (--)
  • Finished work project, before deadline (+)

Last Night:

  • Had a dream involving bringing a cello...my cello...to an auditorium (Necessary context: In reality, I don't own or play cello...yet?). Others were on stage, playing strange instruments? Then it got dark…a show with a live orchesta show? Despite apparently being an audience member, I was nervous. I think there was dining service...I was getting a fried chicken sandwich?
    • I'm overthinking whether sharing these details is relevant.
    • What is relevant is previous context: I have dreamt of playing the cello before, in first person, and bringing one to auditoriums, etc. with other musicians
    • Combined with others asking me if I play an instrument...I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something (You do belong with musicians. Start making music already!!)

Today:

  • Completed morning walk outside (+)
  • Cooked breakfast (+)
  • Didn't overeat at lunch (+)
  • Resonably productive day at work (+)
  • Called by phone to confirm car inspection appointment (+)
  • Car inspection complete (+)

Okay, that took about 30 minues. Clearly need to work on efficiency.
Still haven't resumed progress in the Respawn program, even though I had the time.
Argh! Why do I keep doing this?

Edited by Resonant_Shell
Adding necessary context for dream
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It's getting late...

Sobriety Counters:

Day 18: NO VIDEOGAMES

  • Day 1: No mindless internet (although not necessarily prioritizing habits yet, see notes in last section)
  • Day 1: No fap

Other Counters:

  •  In bed by 10:00 PM yesterday? No; 10:15 PM
  • Sleep uninterrupted last night?  No; Woke up at about 5:30 AM. Went back to sleep (I think?). Still adjusting bedtime wear...leave socks on!??

(Still working on wake time criteria and formatting):

  • Time I woke up: About 6:30 AM
  • Time I got out of bed: 6:30 AM (+)

 Data Items:

Yesterday:

  • Forgot to document that I got overwhelmed by feeling like I nervously presented at a work meeting Tuesday, August 10th, 2021 (--)
  • Worriedly searched online about emotional intelligence, personality type, fearing my lack that day (--)
  • (The above took time and reduced productivity)

Today:

  • Did 20 minutes of high intensity elliptical machine exercise. Not my highest resistance, but heartrate was VO2! (+) 
  • Cooked breakfast (+)
  • Did not snack before lunch (+)
  • ...but ate a lot at lunch, taking a bit longer, but felt ok (-?)
  • Didn't work overly late despite the above (+)
  • Still haven't resumed progress on the Respawn program! Argh!!1 (---)
  • Instead of the above, got in my head about how to go about a future music collection (-?)
  • ...but did lead to doing research on Linux music that actually arrived at a conclusion (+?)
  • ...but no action as of yet (-)
  • Taking the time to write this post despite the above (+)

Earlier today, a remote colleague messaged me, and we chatted a bit. They told me that if I needed anything to feel free to message them any time:

  • I have had at least one other colleague make a similar statement.
  • I am not one to typically initiate / contact others, especially in a time of need--I tend to self-isolate / isolate further.
  • I wonder if / when I would take them up on such an offer.
  • I have tended to get stuck on the same things. I mean, while I'm not gaming, I'm not even progressing in the program! (Trying not to beat self up? At least I'm finally exercising again!)
  • I'm not sure I could talk to them about what tends to really trouble me. With one of them, I have seized up when approaching such topics before.

Well, it's 10:07 PM now, which is past my goal bedtime.

Tomorrow. Another chance to try again. Maybe since I'm alternating morning exercise, I'll make time for Respawn?

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Once again, it's getting late. I am going to deviate from the format I've been trying out for this reason. I expect to follow up tomorrow morning.

Despite going to be last night at a fairly reasonable hour, I...

  • Woke up at 2:00 AM.
  • Did not fall back asleep until 5:00 AM. As I result, I'm on an estimated 5.5 hours of sleep.
  • This was after multiple attempts, using tea, and even breaking no fap once again.
  • I believe I felt cold, and my mind was quite active when I woke.

Even now, my mind keeps going to...technology related topics. Despite arriving at a decision, my mind is continuing because it isn't full carried out?

  • It would serve me well to figure out how to not pursue a single project at the expense of my basic needs.
  • Similarly, a "wind down" ritual near the end of the day could really help. I am usually on screens before bed.
    • Regardless of the effects on eyes, circadian rhythm, etc. my mind seems overly stimulated.

 The weekend approaches. What will I bring to it?

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Later in the morning than I would have liked to log this, but here I am...

Sobriety Counters (relative to day of posting):

Day 20: No Video games

  • Day 0: No mindless internet (See yesterday's notes)
  • Day 0: No fap (Relapsed this morning for no good reason >:-( )

(I will attempt to log other counted items below instead, since this post is out of sync)

Data Items:

Day before Yesterday:

  • Bedtime: 10:30 PM 
  • Sleep was interrupted.
    • I woke up at 2:00 AM, I suspect due to being too cold (usually I expect to be too warm)
    • When awakened, my mind start racing. mind racing. I tried sleepytime tea, even desperately breaking no fap (again).
    • I didn't fall back asleep until 5:00 AM.

(Apparently I already logged this in my previous post last night)

Yesterday:

(Still deciding where to put good/bad +/- indicators)

  • (-) Ordered carryout for breakfast
  • (+) Didn't consume too much caffeine; just enough to get through work...mostly
  • (--, -) Checked social media and began worrying that I'm not fearing God enough, fearing losing comforts instead.
    • (+) Rememberd that making music is outside of my comfort zone!
  • (-) Ordered carryout shake to add to home lunch leftover pizza
  • (+) Didn't overeat at lunch
  • (---) Didn't attempt Respawn work in evening, continuing to browse tech topics. I need to stop getting caught up on every thought that comes to mind.
  • (-) Bedtime: 10:30 PM

I felt like my workday was very unstructured, and that I potentially wasn't as productive as I could have been.

With becoming involved in a complex project, I am quite concerned that I will not respect any sense of work/life balance--which is already weak to begin with. This would repeat what occurred in 2020.

---

Might as well start with how today is going?

I might double post in the same day, but I have seen others do it. Hmm...

Today (so far):

  • Interrupted sleep? Woke sometime around 5:45 AM, needing to go the bathroom. Tried to fall back asleep until 6:30 AM, not very successful.
  • Dream was weird. Near the end of the dream, I arrived with others at a rustic-styled "meal and show" restaurant, with enlarged double basses (octobasses?) present on stage. My Mom stood up and started praying in public.
  • Felt tired, presumably recovering from yesterday.
  • (--) Wasted time struggling with spiritual self-condemning thoughts higher than normal. The fact I even consider that there's a "normal"...
    • "Faith without works is dead"
    • "I'm going to hell, etc."
  • (+/--) Eventually overcame said thoughts through intense self-mockery (Unhealthy coping mechanisms, yeah! Not really...)
    • Good luck, I'm behind seven layers of irony!

(Actually "starts" morning, well past 8:30 AM.)

(Had an eight ounce glass of store-bought International Iced Mocha coffee.)

  • (+) Paid credit card in morning
  • (!, +??) Unexpectedly started singing along to an electronic song in car from my MP3 player. Went along with it.
  • (+) Picked up a couple of jars of honey from the Farmer's Market
  • (+) Stopped by bank to get new debit card ordered after finding it was expired from an Automated Teller Machine (ATM)

Well, it's five minutes past noon now, and I still haven't eaten anything.

Maybe I'll like, actually do something with my day. Mudane tasks. Maybe even something meaningful, or towards it, like Respawn. Or, even...cleaning?

Oh yeah, and I haven't exercise yet today, either.

(I'm fairly agitated about how I continue to let my life be the way it is right now.)

Edited by Resonant_Shell
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It's already past 10:15 PM here; it looks like I will be needing to catch up in the morning.

I still haven't played video games (not really worried about doing so, but I thought I'd note it.)

I didn't get much done this weekend, which is unfortunately the usual. I did make some progress on the Respawn program!

I went to church today. During the service I was okay, but my mind started to slip a little while after I got home.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, it's been two weeks since my last entry. I'm going to have to abandon having a format in order to get myself to finally post. I keep putting it off.

I'll try to document the most notable items from the past two weeks. Some conclusions reached were important. I guess I'll contrast the past two weeks with today?

At a high level, I have been:

  • Eating lots of fast food
  • Drinking more often (which is usually quite rare)
  • Watching cartoons most nights
  • Lots of pointless fapping
  • Wasted each Saturday doing next to nothing. While it's not gaming or watching YouTube, this misses the point.
  • Working late some days
  • Bedtimes less than 11:30 PM (one 1:30 AM night I believe)

I've managed to get myself to go to church for...at least three Sundays in row now, I believe. Mentally, I have suffered afterwards, but for a decreasing amount of time? No, I think the second was the worst, so at least things are improving now, I guess. That's one of the bigger elements of the past two weeks, so I will go more in-depth there:

1) I think after...the first service I struggled with thoughts of  "why bother repenting if the probability of sinning again is almost guaranteed" and the like. 

  • What was Jesus' sacrifice for? 
  • If I am going to Hell anyway, why wouldn't I try to repent anyway?

Later that first (?) week (Tuesday? Wednesday?) I ended up talking to my dad about an unrelated, yet spiritual topic. A portion of Romans 10:9 came to mind:

  • Ironically, even I seem like I pass those requirements.
  • I am...saved.

2) The second service was the hardest by far; now I remember:

  • When a word of knowledge was released for a "crick in the neck" (which I literally was just thinking about) after a "sudden stop" (close enough: I got rear ended at a stoplight in 2017), I did NOT go up. I just stood there, heart beating, with the mental excuse of I didn't deserve it because...I hadn't been doing my neck exercises? What!??
  • Later, at the beginning of the message, someone unexpected introduced themselves to me specifically and encouraged me to fill a contact card. Perhaps he was prompted to do so by the Holy Spirit? At least I bothered to do that...

Near the end of the message, I was reminded once again how I'm not "all in" like all of these other Christians I guess:

  • Can't pursue any skill because I'd make it my master (desires = sin)
  • Ran at a park using trail runner shoes. As expected, my left knee acted up, but…I kept going for a while. I had a sore right calf, etc.
  • The next day, the usual thoughts: Making music is once again a "sin," not in God's will, can't be done until I'm a perfect Christian, etc. 
  • I was frustrated that I still hadn't journaled here after a week.

I had a brief call with my sister later that week. I asked her about her routine. We talked about:

  • Exercise, cooking , and cleaning during weekdays 
  • Prioritization and delayed gratification: My weaknesses 
  • Having plans on weekends…hrm
  • Praying even when feeling against God 

I need therapy?

  • Would that be my...fifth? therapist? It's not cheap...
  • Can't do choir ("cheaper than therapy) because my issues "block" that (Of course, everyone's probably too afraid because of current times anyway. What would the repertoire even be??)

3) The service on August 29th, 2021 focused on the parable of the sower. I'll paraphrase relevant parts I'll paraphrase the entire text I sent to my church accountability partner...
 

Quote

 

With "God's will" being implied/mentioned, I once again spent multiple hours trying to figure out how to determine if one is following it. After researching, getting mentally stuck, and getting angry at the seeming lack of solution, it became apparent that:

  • Without Christ, we can't perfectly follow God's will. We'll mess up.
  • Even with Christ, we'll still not perfectly follow God's will, because we're not perfect.
  • We are to get to know God, which...causes us to get better at following his will...makes sense if doing so changes us to be more like Christ.
    • Saying that this is not good enough for God would seem to dismiss Christ's sacrifice
  • However, what I am finding is that it is not feasible to "freeze in place" until we know God or are following his will to some arbitrary amount.
    • Life seems designed to where it is impossible to not take risks.

---

  • If I continue spend my weekends like this, fearing that taking up a hobby, eating, etc. is not in God's will for me, I shouldn't expect different results.
  • ...pastors and Contemporary Christian Music: their target audience doesn't think too much about what they're saying, so they use hyperbole when emphasizing things.
  • Of course, as my parents noticed since I was young, I tend to take things literally and/or overthink things.

---

Interestingly enough, during the midst of this, I didn't feel very fatigued, except for moments. Maybe it's the caffeine...

 


---

Monday: I spent over hours working on a riddle to respond to someone asking about an personal in-joke in my internal-only email signature. Working on it was more satisfying than expecting, but I just ended up giving a vague response in place of it.

Tuesday (today): When explaining a situation to colleagues during a meeting, I still ended up explaining irrelevant details. I was asked about their relevance and refocused. I explicitly recognized it was constructive, but I could still feel some self-hatred...


Well, it's just past 10:00 PM now. I still haven't done anymore of Respawn since the beginning of these two weeks, but at least I finally got around to this.

This doesn't need to have everything...I can retroactively add later if needed...posting...

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It's 8:40 PM; I'm starting to feel tired so I'm going to attempt to log something before I forget.

Sobriety Counters (relative to day of posting):

Day 38: No Video games

  • Day 0: No mindless internet (I guess I'm going to count reading comments for an extended period of time this morning against this)
  • Day 3: No fap (A pleasant surprise)

Other Counters:

  • In bed by 10:00 PM yesterday? No; 10:30 PM
  • Sleep uninterrupted last night? Yes.
  • Time I woke up: 6:30 AM
  • Time I got out of bed 6:30 to 6:40 AM

Data Items:

Today (so far):

  • (+) Walked this morning
  • (----) Didn't bother to make breakfast, browsed comments instead and later ended up ordering out
  • (--) Worked late for an extra hour
  • (+) Walked after work
  • (+) Paid bills
  • (--) Ordered out for dinner
  • (+) Added this journal entry

I feel energized and more motivated, and yet I'm still am not doing anything meaningful.
I'm more productive at work, but I'm concerned I'll allow it to overtake me, forgetting to take on the challenges outside of work, which seem far more important at this point.

I've wasted years. How many more before I begin?
Can I really afford to wait until another weekend, just to do nothing meaningful with it?

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  • 1 year later...

How do I even attempt to start this again?


When was my last post? September of last year...let me think...

At that time, I had quit gaming for at least a month, but I'm guessing I was still susceptible to watching gaming-related content on YouTube (and just wasting time on YouTube in general). I recall using social media a lot more, which used to not be a typical trait of mine, at all. I think that started in...2022?

Oh yeah, the next month (October 2021) my employer would formally threaten to fire me over my Religious/Civil rights as protected under the law for the first time. Good times! (Not really: Sarcasm)

I never really recovered from that, like when first told employees had to work from home in March of 2020.


Anyways, back to getting up to speed. This year, 2022, is more of a blur than 2021, and somehow even less productive. As usual, I felt (very) burned out from my job in January/February--along with being sleep-deprived. In March, I attempted to start exercising again, going to the gym in the morning. This fell apart presumably when I couldn't make myself get up early (again, sleep deprivation).

In April, my boss said in front of the entire team that I going to be working from home--permanently. Despite being a shock to my system, I still remained there.

May, June, July...that's a blur.


August was more notable:

  • Beyond even YouTube videos, I formally relapsed...on Cookie Clicker, of all games. I lost five straight days. My attention span became basically non-existent in maintaining minigames and clicking on golden cookies ever few minutes. After breaking down crying in my car, I entirely deleted my save and blocked the site using StayFocused--on my Windows operating system this time (I had already done so on Linux). I still do not regret doing so! I am glad I made the push!
     
  • I attended a couple of family weddings. Spent over $200 on airport parking alone. After the above, at least I made it there...
     
  • I had to argue with both my company's accommodations department and even with my manager (sort of) when they attempted to coerce me into violating my rights as part of moving the office where I wasn't even allowed to work. Knowing the law, I of course emerged victorious in having a team member prepare to move it on my behalf in October.


Speaking of October (which was just last month), my company decided to suddenly (finally) drop their tyrannical rights-violating requirements. Ironic, and hypocritical. In the internal article comments, many were thankful, but a movement from those still wishing for a two-tier society gained some traction. Having taken enough, I actually responded, countering their illogical arguments and gaining approval from others of my own.

With the requirements being dropped, I ended up moving my office myself; the entire process took much of my time and energy.
 

That brings me to now. Again, even recent times have been a blur.

Notable learning: Using StayFocused's "Nuclear" option in combination with blocking the web browser extensions page has helped prevent staying up late watching YouTube.

  • I need to be careful about when such periods expire; I have used them as an excuse to binge 


For this last week, I suspect that a combination of being more well-rested, along with passing comment from my manager, led me to becoming addicted...to my work.
This has caused friction with my dad, as we've agreed that I should update my resume and begin a searching for jobs (sarcasm: because that was so easy the first time).

I think I will catch up on some disparate topics in a follow up post...

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Wow, a lot has been happening to you!

It's great that you noticed the cookie clicker issue so fast and found a working fix to it. For me the idle games are a slippery slope if I play them even for a moment... 

Happy to have you giving an update of your journey. It inspires me, as I am still just starting. 

Keep it up! 

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On 11/5/2022 at 6:07 PM, Markus said:

For me the idle games are a slippery slope if I play them even for a moment...

Yes! As I rediscovered, "it's an idle game, it can play itself in the background" is a deceptive justification that can easily lead to out-of-control "active" play, as was true in my case.
 

On 11/5/2022 at 6:07 PM, Markus said:

Happy to have you giving an update of your journey. It inspires me, as I am still just starting.

I am glad to hear it! Reading your introduction, I am likewise inspired: I see that you are beginning your journey at the age of 28. Perhaps there is still time for me to do something different with my life.

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In my previous journal entry, I mentioned that I might comment on some disparate topics. I am not sure if I remember all of those at the moment. I'll note what I can...the rest hopefully will come to me at some point.

Note: Looking at my initial entries, it is apparent to me now that, for me, highly-detailed journal entries aren't viable for daily logging. My tendency to overthink most things, writing included, tends to lead to me avoiding tasks--journaling included. In fact, I have been overthinking when writing these very words.

I am trying to allow myself to just write. I am not looking for true free-writing; I would like my entries to be at least somewhat understandable when reviewing them later (by myself or others). I understand that the idea of reading an unfocused wall of text isn't necessarily appealing, so I'll see about breaking up paragraphs every so often. This leads me to my next note:

 

Note: From the amount of the Respawn program I have actually done (Module 1 through 3), I remember something about using journaling to write about one's feelings going through this process. That is, not only detoxing / quitting video games, but the journey to creating a life from which I do not feel the need to escape. My journal entries do not need to be a play-by-play of the day.

Habit tracking is nice, and perhaps I ought to do it somewhere. That place does not have to be here. I would say a bullet journal, but I have managed to overthink that in the past as well. I believe that to be ironic considering the original intention of such journals (I suspect that those who stylize such journals for a living might put off those prone to overthinking).

Right, the other, main part of this point: writing about my emotions isn't necessarily going to be easy, especially considering the limiting beliefs which I have continued to repeat despite seeing that they are not rational. (I thought I had something more important to note here. I want to avoid going off on tangents, so I'll move on.)

---

On to today Some things from yesterday:

In catching up, I suppose I could mention that I have gained weight: 25 pounds after beginning to work from home. My body's high-metabolism couldn't keep up when I broke down to eating oven-baked frozen pizzas everyday for that one period...and that's beyond the sleep deprivation (which can also lead to weight gain).

I suppose I'll entertain a tangent or two here: supposedly, I am only about 5 to 10 pounds overweight; losing that amount of weight certainly seems possible...if I could stick to things with any consistency.

Having my Dad remind me of my weight gain in addition to not changing jobs didn't feel good (hey, I said something about an emotion! xD)

You know what? In fact, I actually got really angry, and beyond myself for once (I would say self-hatred's been the norm, but I am wondering if that's still true). I did intentionally calm myself down after yelling in the car (not the first time that week). Mental anguish is one thing, but my body's been good to me despite how bad I've kept it up. The thought that it is "not deserving" of self-inflicted pain has prevented me from doing so...and yet I still deprive it sleep, eat poorly, etc. My poor choices are to blame there, however...

 

On to today (actually):

  • Very tired this morning, because I stayed up until midnight last night
  • Two large iced coffees because I'm "made of money" and "definitely not addicted" (sarcasm, neither of those is true)
  • Started working on updating my resume at 3:00 PM. Worked for at least two hours and made substantial progress!
  • Neck hurt more than usual. Made myself do a full set of upward floor curls (that's not the actual name...perhaps I'll find/use it later).
     
  • Did not "reward" self by ordering takeout; I actually ate the food I cooked for myself. Salting the vegetables, it tasted fine...good!

    Note: I am not immune to using food as a coping mechanism. Maybe I was before the whole "working from home" thing, but I mean, I never have not yet really recovered from that in a lot of ways.
     
  • Had two shots of rum. Not having much on my stomach initially, that second shot hit harder than expected.
    • I felt more aware of my life behaviors ("what am I doing with my life"), but not necessarily physically empowered to do something productive
    • Fapped despite not wanting to...did to pass time? An hour later, I was much closer to sober.
       
  • Brewed a quart of tea to refrigerate (let's see if I can gradually go back to caffeine free, as I've done it before)
  • Initially avoided this post, going out to buy snacks, then feeling too full afterwards (food avoidance is DUMB)
    • Did make myself brew some hot ginger tea, which has helped

 

Well, this ending up being a lot longer than I expected o_O

I'm tired...I was planning to go to bed an hour ago, especially with the time change.
Maybe I should set a time limit for my next post xD

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Okay, this will be a good example of keeping things short.
 

If I am journaling about feelings, maybe I will find that I write more when I am struggling with them? That does not mean I can't attempt daily entries (again).
 

I am not feeling much at the moment. I could be feeling a bit concerned about making sure I accomplish what I set out to do tomorrow. After all, I took today and tomorrow off work to do it, and I basically spent the entirety of today in preparation.

The rest of the day did not consist of much:

  • Beginning and ending the day fapping    (maybe wanting to not have to write that will serve as motivation in the future)
  • Having only one iced coffee instead of two   (I had some of my self-brewed tea at 4 PM. It wasn't iced because I forgot the ice!)
  • Had take out for dinner; I need to cook some more rice tomorrow. I am glad I didn't add the usual chocolate milk for a second time in a row    (not feeling overly full is nice)
     

It looks like I'll end the day with a slightly earlier bedtime, although it could have been better. I might have avoided this a bit with such a single-minded day.

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I wonder how much I'll write for today's entry.

For the day itself, there isn't much, but I'm developing more and more disparate thoughts in my head. It might be useful to get them out. I do want to get to bed a little earlier, but I don't want to leave all topics "for tomorrow"...like I've left...everything?

So I accomplished the one small thing I set out to do, but honestly, it:

  • Didn't take much time
  • Wasn't an action towards developing a goal

The preparation yesterday took much longer than the actual act, and it was...hardly for me. It's not even guaranteed mitigation! Not making something of myself due my own failures is one thing, but what am I to do? Do I give up because of things outside of my control? "Well the economy could collapse and then I could never have an actual home where I can make music." Even if the data suggests that is the most likely future, are we to spend our lives merely preparing for possible bad outcomes, rather than discover new interests to pursue?

(I could go "well, as a Christian, we're supposed to something something will of God," but we're not all the same and, beyond refraining from sinning, a person's specific objectives aren't necessarily going to match those for another person.)

 

I don't think I alluded to this directly, but I was aware that StayFocused's Nuclear Mode would deactivate for me this morning. After the one planned tasks, I devolved into wasting the entire day on vices--everything except gaming. I just reactivated it to the effective end of this year on Windows, doing so for Linux this morning. The time wasting accelerated when I started browsing memes.

 

While very subconscious, it seem obvious enough that I was procrastinating...even planning what to do with the day off work? What was I afraid of? Spending the time incorrectly? That's what I ended up doing anyway!
I do not consider myself skilled at prioritizing the right things, but...thinking about it just a bit more, that could also be the results of poor emotional regulation and...low self-esteem? The second part...more appropriately would be a lack of...confidence in my ability to handle unknown situations (I suppose the "correct" Christian take would be "have faith," but I clearly have a perfectionistic outlook: anything short of completing a goal as planned is failure). What examples can I reflect on from my life to challenge that view?

 

Well, that looks like a good enough stopping point for now. I'm more tired than anything, but I wonder how the rest of this week will go.

Will it be the same re-addiction to work? It will be if I keep doing the same things. Its apparent things aren't going back to before I started working from home, and while my routine back then was better, it was missing purpose. I will remain foolish in continuing to wait to react to life changes outside of my control, because--like in Cam's latest video--truly, no one is coming to save me.

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Let me (briefly?) talk about yesterday since I am merely sipping my iced coffee
Dang...this is really getting to me. This might be a struggle.

 

Yesterday (November 9th, 2022):

  • I remember feeling an increasing sense of loneliness as the day progressed. I have felt this before, seeming to occur more often the longer I have worked from home. I suspect my original reaction probably involved thinking I should be immune to such feelings because I am introverted, but...*sigh* I am still human. I could go on about emotions, but that's probably for an entry elsewhere.
     
  • I had two iced coffees. Considering that now I am actually sleep-deprived today (November 10th, 2022), I am not sure why. It made staying up way too easy (more on that in a bit).
     
  •  I had a productive day at work...because that's the thing I need to be prioritizing right now...because it's not like I have been putting it above everything else for years now :34_rolling_eyes: (sarcasm)
     
  • I started drinking relatively early due to neck pain persisting beyond exercises and even bio freeze. Yeah, I can see how that's not necessarily a good idea.
     
  • I didn't do...seemingly much of anything until about 7:30 PM, saving webcomics to my computer prior to cooking some rice. I think I need to delete my meme folders again; I don't ever reference them anyway, even the ones I claim are "for sending to family." It's just become another waste of time.

 

I also attempted to complete Module 4 of the GameQuitters program again, which I first attempting...in July of this year. Yup, the overthinking is really bad for this for some reason. Like, am I acting like I have to choose the """correct""" hobbies the first time for every category? "Oh mah gosh, but what if a hobby fits into both categories??" Yes I need backups but that doesn't necessarily mean I must utilize them.

Beyond finally beginning a search for a new job, I already know multiple hobbies to select. I won't list them all here, as I realized there's more than I thought. I expect I will do that once I actually complete the module.

In attempting to complete that module, I started researching beyond those suggested and discovered "jarrariums," which led to infiniscrolling on Reddit...until 1:00 AM :46_confounded:

 

For real? The one time I block everything but Reddit because "it keeps showing up in web search results" is when I binge it? YouTube is one thing, but Reddit?

I've (re)blocked it on all operating systems, and at work. I hate that web searches sometimes bring up interesting nuggets in a sea of content.

I need to stop passively "absorbing" information and actually start doing things (edited for "maturity").

I hate the internet and screens sometimes...so...much...

Edited by Resonant_Shell
Edited for "maturity"
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This morning (November 10th, 2022):

Oh yeah, I've been doing entries at the end of the day, but...it's not like multiple per day is not allowed.

So...the above took longer than expected.

Getting harder to focus.

 

Had an iced coffee due to the above. I was very tired this morning. Fapped twice when first getting up. More prone to vices when only on five hours of sleep, nothing new there...

Back hurts...at least its even/left to right, unlike my neck yesterday. I can foam roll that out or something.


I spent like, thirty minutes writing a rant about the state of my life and mind, the world, spiritual struggles, etc. I cut it out of this post just in case, as I am not sure if it goes beyond the end of my previous post into "drama," thus violating rule#2 in the Forum Rules.

 

Maybe I'll get to writing a...uh..."calmer" version of that might help someone else; I don't know.

 

Welp, I need to stretch my back, help my customer, maybe get more coffee...

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You know what? I am going to do this now. Yes, while at work. I keep saying I'll do it but I keep putting it off (like many things).

At the very least, I can begin a brief but hopefully still...useful "catch up" post. The longer ago the day was, the less I have timed specifics:

Friday (November 11th):

(Not recalling much else of note...)

It was either tonight or the previous night where I struggled to fall asleep despite going to bed early. I suspect temperature fluctuations resulted in unexpected heat.

 

Saturday (November 12th):

Talked to my dad. Guess who still hasn't finished updating his resume despite already having updated the most difficult parts (it's me).

 

Seemingly spent the overwhelming majority of the day working on Module 4, coming up with hobbies for the three categories (Mentally Engaging, Resting, and Social):

Obviously, I took longer than 15 minutes, presumably because I have overthought this exercise repeatedly. Apparently I briefly attempted this as early as July of this year.
 

Subconsciously, my mind might be thinking that somehow the selection of hobbies are a permanent commitment--ironic despite failing proposed exercise routines in the past.
 

I struggle with selecting social activities. It's like (yes, I used the word "like") I am willing to get out of the house but not actually initiate conversation with people. How much of that is my thinking of "who just randomly talks to strangers" versus no longer trusting people in a "post 2021 world"?

It was today (and Sunday?) that I felt regret about all of the ways I could have spent my time these last few years. Regret over caring about my job so much (another ironic point considering today...more on that later?)


Sunday (November 13th):

It seems that I somehow spent all day brainstorming alternative environments for Module 4:

At about 3:00 PM, I felt an intense feeling of lonliness. I was aware of potential escapism, and Cam's related video (from the "Emergency" button at the top of this forum). 
 

Ironic yet again? I ended up coming up with additional hobby ideas based on what I found was somewhat nearby using Google Maps.

I do wonder what qualifies as "creation" rather than "consumption." Some seem like neither due to not producing a externally tangible finished product: practicing a musical instrument exercise, etc....does one's own body count as a finished product? :8_laughing:

 

Spent my whole weekend inside, alone again doing nothing physical. At least I almost basically finished the module (other than adding one other park as another environment).

On Sunday, I think I felt lost at one point; how am I going to actually enforce implementing my ideas in place of my "default vices." I wonder if I should move to Module 5 sooner...later? I don't know...

I already overthought this post a bit, so let me proceed to today...

 

NOTE: (Re)creating post with links removed because it appears that prevents posting until approved...despite linking to Cam's own resources.

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At this point, I'm thinking to go ahead and post tonight so I don't have to catch up tomorrow:

November 14th, 2022:

  • Fapped this morning before work for no good reason.
  • Monday one-on-one with manager late in morning. Manager mentioned adjusting ticket goals for next year (I work in Systems Technical Support).
    • I sensed a hidden feeling of fear, presumably anxiety thinking that I am not doing good enough.
    • Countering this thought: I just recently checked my stats; I'm on target with last year!
    • Regardless, I should be moving to complete my updated resume and apply elsewhere.
    • This company already attempted to fire me over my beliefs, of all things. Why should I be afraid?
       
  • Felt a lingering low feeling for some time afterwards, like I'm used to being this way. This is my life?
  • Took a call from my dad shortly after work which lasted nearly an hour.
  • Got obsessed researching liquor types, equipment, etc. until eventually deciding it doesn't make sense to get into making cocktails as a hobby right now:
    • Moving toward healthier eating and regular physical activity comes first. I am used to being sober almost always anyway...
    • Clearly, I am continuing to get obsessed with researching random things like this, yet I wonder why the days continue to look the same.
       
  • At 9:00 PM, I did exercise willpower in cooking the chicken thighs I thawed out instead of immediately going to bed.

I was feeling really bad about wasting the evening. However, I noticed after replying to someone else's journal that I felt better. Did offering a word of encouragement to someone else encourage me as well? Maybe it's like Cam said, you get out what you put in.

Do I believe my own words? Is there a different way of dealing with my urge to overthink and research, rather than take action? Perhaps I should proceed to Module 5 sooner rather than later. Albeit, while seemingly completed, I haven't yet implemented Module 4.

It's approaching 11 PM now, so I ought to head to bed. I predict I might feel it in the morning, and presumably continue the same habit of ordering a $5+ iced coffee, while not having bothered with a budget for many months...

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I better start writing...

November 15th, 2022:

Didn't fap in the morning (yay). Slept in until right before work (I work remotely).

Despite the extra sleep, I still ordered a frozen coffee. Unfortunately, that's an obvious habit at this point. The ideal would be to get off coffee entirely, as I didn't start this way. That being said, a blender could pay for itself shortly. I have been concerned about such things encouraging caffeine consumption (quart containers for brewing tea, for example), but the alternative has been worse.
 

Work:

  • Took a while to start
  • Overthought dealing with my first customer, which turned out to be a waste of time anyway
  • Actually took my lunch hour, eating food I had cooked previously. Continuing to go without salt on my vegetables and rice remains lackluster (in flavor).
  • One of my more complicated customer issues came back, asking a question that doesn't make sense. Even as an overthinker, I can't predict how to solve issues that have not yet occurred, and would exist from following processed incorrectly anyway!
  • Had Kava tea instead of a "chocolate run," which I am thankful for, but that took like 30 minutes.
  • Did some planning prior to working on a response to one of those customers. Started an outline but didn't work "to the last minute," stopping at about 4:40ish PM. I still do not know how I feel about that; I guess I will find out tomorrow.

After:

After about 15 minutes, I was beginning to see about implementing Module 4, using the whiteboard I bought months ago. I was also searching for places near a marksmanship range since it's so far away, hence with travel would take the evening, rush hour or not.

However, my dad called again...didn't he just call me? Nagged me to look into flights.

It was at this point I felt...angry. I did the following:

  • Started a load of laundry
  • Checked to see that there was no food truck outside of my apartment complex this Tuesday.
  • Looked into flights, comparing options but somehow not overthinking it much at all. Still couldn't pay with miles, so I paid with cash and scheduled one. There goes another $800.=
    • That will be another $200 if I don't somehow figure out how to schedule a taxi without a cellphone.
       
  • Washed the dishes--including powdering and scrubbing the rice pot left in the sink.
  • Finally responded to my aunt's email after two weeks (I also responded to a text from my sister three days ago. That might not have needed a response)
  • Cleaned the inside of the toilet (finally).

 

I am finally beginning to calm down, but I feel the need to at least attempt to express some of my earlier frustrations:

  • The stress of anticipating a "drop down drag out" with difficult customers makes it easy to justify putting off work, and/or working and then totally being drained of energy for doing anything after work.
     
  • It seems, when attempting to finally put time into the things that are important, in the case, the things that grow oneself, some stupid little urgent thing demands to be addressed. This combines poorly with an Obliger mindset, making "self-sacrifice" easy, putting the requests of other above one's own goals.

    Often times, it is easier to put of such items as well, escaping in forms of entertainment such as gaming or watching YouTube. "Future you" will get to it, right? (He won't; I read a decent article my dad forwarded...I might link it in another post).

    Such a mentality might work in early schooling. However, in my experience, I have found that, eventually, the "do it last minute" reflex eventually stops working. This results in very negative consequences.
     
  • Alternatively, not doing what's important has resulted in a life that has degraded slowly over time, where I just do enough to survive, only addressing what immediately threatens my from a financial or legal perspective.


As a result, the days look the same, pushed by nothing more than by the demands placed upon me by others. This is aggravating; it is some kind of hell.


Yes, the anger gave me energy, and I somehow controlled it enough towards getting things done. However, I know from experience that I cannot rely on anger to consistently motivate me through work and beyond. It results in burnout.

 

It still seems to be a lose-lose: either prioritize incorrectly, or run away from the sheer number of things that should be done. Running seems worse. Stupid. At this point, why do I still fear...what am I afraid of??

 

Well, this took a while to write, but it didn't feel  long...I wasn't overthinking these words. That's nice.

Still, I need to go to bed, as it is now 9:45 PM.

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Originally, I was thinking of creating another post with a link to that article, but I can describe how to navigate to it:

  1. Do a web search for "Roman Fitness Systems." The website should be the first result, with a ".com" URL to match.
  2. The website has a Search feature. Click on it, and search for "Future You." The title of the article is the following: Why "Future You" Sucks

It's a very apt title if you ask me...

Edited by Resonant_Shell
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Oh my, let's see how far I get with this...

November 16th, 2022:

  • Attempt to walk outside my apartment complex this morning. Ending up testing my long range vision. It's still there...but initially felt off. All of this computer time.
  • Brewed a quart of tea this morning:
    • Yet despite doing so still bought an iced coffee because I "needed the power to get through a customer track"


The irony is that I spent the whole day on that one customer. Worse, actually: I worked 2.5 hours beyond my working hours. I allowed the customer's unjustified any update even though I was well within our service-level policies to set me on edge. Furthermore, I don't think I need to make my response nearly as granular. That being said, the customer already failed to read directions once...

Regardless, that was (yet again) another failure to prioritize my health first. I need to remind myself that we have after-hours support for actual critical issues for a reason. 

Now I'm sitting here, growing more tired my the minute. I am managing to resist unnecessary vices so far (YouTube, fried food, fapping, drinking, etc.) I could this being the kind of situation where I'd do one or more of those.

What sucks is I'll have this feeling of going to bed, then getting up and doing the same thing. It's like I am sacrificing my life force...for what? Money? So I can afford the electricity to do the very work to pay for it. Life becomes this...pointless...grind...



Which reminds me about Cam's latest video ("I Stopped Gaming After Learning THIS!"; YouTube ID: 2clD1iiviGA). I really like how Cam didn't hold back!

Identity is important. I will say that the identity of being a "hard worker" can have its dark side, for those with an "Obliger" mindset in particular. For those doing something they love, great! For many of us, however, work ought to be serving us to be able to pursue our interests. Clearly, I did not do well keeping that in check.

I was thinking about doing one of my "resting" activities from Module 4, but I wanted to make sure to get this journal entry. It's more writing though, which I have been doing all day. At least I am allowing myself to not overthinking this nearly as much! :8_laughing:

Let me post this now before I jinx it; I can edit it later if I remember something that I feel needs to be added.

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Alright, I've got some make up journaling to do. I have the time, and I am going to prioritize it...and note down notable points I can recall.

It's going to be difficult due to my current physical state, which will become obvious further on...
Yeah, ooh, I'm struggling. More prone to overthinking, or, rather, it seems more like a lack of mental processing power.

 

November 17th, 2022:

  • I don't recall anything too significant about the workday. In a shock surprise to no one, I had a single frozen coffee for no good reason.

    I had takeout for lunch, because I forgot to cook more vegetables prior. I did prioritize picking up a book from the nearby library.
    • It was very quiet around that library; I think that will serve as a good "alternative environment" if I actually implement Module#4 (see two points later on).
       
  • Struggled to respond to a potential team outing:
    • I feel torn between a desperate need for camaraderie and 2021-inspired paranoia
       
  • I also push myself to go to an apartment social event. I did not make an active effort to socialize, but a highly extroverted person began making conversation and I remained engaged (albeit, that person overwhelmingly did the majority of the talking).
     
  • In addition to the wine I had, I had a couple rum drinks of my own back in my apartment.
    • I made myself cook vegetables, despite initially wanting to avoid it--I did not rely on "future self." Nice!
    • Despite my awareness, I chose to watch downloaded YouTube videos in my computer's recycle bin, rather than, you know, actually implementing the resting activity I chose in module#4.

      I am still too used to my old habit patterns. Went to bed near midnight.
       

I remember more than I thought; I'm starting to get into this. Good...

November 18th, 2022:

  • Structured workday that resulted in not having much time to work on the time-sensitive project that needs to get done.
    The fact I still even consider doing such things on the weekends... :34_rolling_eyes:
     
  • In the midst of trying to preventing making the same mistake as yesterday, I...did something worse. Looking up the gameplay I was watching previously, I ended up on IGN of all places and watched much of a gameplay walkthroughs for a game I will never play.

    (Oh, and I fapped because apparently I felt the need to double-down on my poor decisions, even though I avoided doing so yesterday.)

    Again, I was--initially--aware that I should be doing my "resting" hobby instead, but I didn't react. The old habit pattern is still ingrained. I have done it so long that it still feels "right." Why would I worry that my resting activity would be wasting time when watching gameplay walkthroughs clearly is?

    I ended up staying up until 4:00 AM.

---

Obviously, IGN is blocked (surprised I hadn't encountered that until now), and I feel very tired this morning. I got up at 10:30 AM; my body seemed to know.

Despite wrecking my sleep schedule, I stopped by the bank less than an hour before close and got my phone number updated. Again, I wanted to leave it for "future self," but I am very thankful I didn't. I already put it off due to work of all things multiple times.

I need to stop living in fear of my manager, my customers, my job. As I caffeinated this morning, I need to remember what they did, but not to the point of losing my peace. Just enough to drive myself forward.


Yes, I fell again. It feels different, however. For some reason, unlike the rest of this year, I feel...hope? I see a way out, a light in the distance.
Others are starting their journey later in life, and they are still alive--even if they perhaps got "2020-2021" wrong. If they can do it...

I have made health and financial mistakes, but so have others, even my Dad. He's still going....

"Well I fell again, clearly I am not learning from my mistakes; I should give up...on everything."
I fell, but I can use this to learn to get up faster, which I have been very bad at. That's why I have not yet recovered from "2020."
That would be learning from my mistakes. I am writing here as well....

...

Not sure if I had anything else to say for now. Took about 30 minutes on it; time well spent honestly.
There's still time left in the day. Let's see what I do with it...
 

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Well, I would say it's already that time, but that seems disingenuous considering how today went.
At some point I thought this might be a quick one; I have a few points of note for this weekend., despite how it went:

November 19th, 2022:

  • Of all the things I could have done, I decided to create an actual avatar for my profile on this forum.
    • I was avoiding finishing updating my resume
    • Regardless, I am quite pleased with how it turned out. It is quite close to what I imagined.
    • Originally I was thinking of a lighter, simpler look, but that was prior to the end of 2021.
       
  • Had a two hour long conversation with my Dad:
    • Beyond looking for new jobs now I have to prepare to move back in with him, before I need to sign a new lease in February? What?
    • I am supposed to consider getting rid of all this furniture. Movement-induced financial "mistakes" sounds appealing (sarcasm), because my iced coffee vice isn't bad enough?

He also said something along the lines of "having your life mainly centered around your job is alright." WHAT!?? If the life for the majority is to be totally drained from work, then I want out.

...

Continuing with yesterday's poor decisions, I had take out for dinner and stayed up until "only" 1 AM, extended to that hour from watching a rather stale game walkthrough.

 

November 20th, 2022:

  • Got up late, fapped this morning.
     
  • Found myself frustrated with my dad's statement from yesterday. Spent hours finally coming around to the possibility of a life with at least a little satisfaction. A new job, a house, and community through physical activity would be a start. Perhaps then I will overcome my limiting beliefs with regards to men participating in fine arts.
     
  • Further avoided updating my resume by creating a profile banner for this forum. I might replace the text with something more motivating, but still in the same "post 2021" spirit.
  • Replied to a couple of other people's journals. I overthought one of my responses quite a bit, but I do not regret the overall effort. If I could do so faster...
     
  • Ate hot wing bar takeout. Felt tired after, as that was the only real food I've had all day.
     
  • Summoned enough energy to wash dishes to clear the sink.
  • Attempted to pray. Struggled with asking for help. The idea of said help being in the form of facing the very things with which I am struggling would seem prone to leading to more failure.
     
  • Finally spent 15 minutes looking into updating my resume, but writing no words.


Well, I haven't watched videos so far. That would be the daily/weeker counter to denote, along with sleep I suppose.

I am still not looking forward to work tomorrow, let alone checking in my manager. I am dreading the "how was your weekend?" question :46_confounded:
I have Thursday and Friday off, but I am not confident I will use it well. That mindset likely won't be helpful though.


Not enforcing activities when drinking alcohol / eating / tired continues to lead to the appeal of passively absorbing online media.
The odds of me eating somewhere other than my desk seem even lower considering a potential move sooner now.

It's just past 9 PM. Of course now I don't feel so tired, but that partially is what led to last night. I ought to go screens off in an attempt to slowly restore my sleep schedule once again.

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If I keep delaying this in an attempt to fully update today as well, I could very well end up not getting to this again.
Let me start this now, then...

November 21st, 2022:

  • Iced coffee and the last tea I had brewed, probably under a justification of "recovering" from sleep deprivation :33_unamused:
     
  • Check-in with manager was relatively tame (albeit, that moment when you subtly joke about how poorly you spent your weekend)
     
  • Experimented by doing a 20 minute cardio session in my apartment gym shortly after that meeting. Ran for 10 minutes straight! Felt great! Overall with showering, took a bit longer than expected.
     
  • Some difficulty getting myself to start larger work amounts.
     
  • Finally got to what ended up a more prolonged technical analysis near the end of the day.
     
  • Had a half-hour conversation with my dad about 30 minutes after work. Among other topics discussed...
    • Maybe call my brother as part of Thanksgiving? (Assuming I don't end up working :/)
    • Encouraged me to "keeping hanging on," try to do a little bit of the "hard shit" on my list each day, to "chip away" at it.

      In my case, it seems that updating my resume applies. More on that to follow...


In attempting to update my resume, ended up reading over my, uh, "presentations" from the technical training at the beginning of job. My witty subtitle game was :337_fire:

I guess I ran out of steam/attention/focus, because I ended up...

  • Drinking up the last of my rum
  • Fapping twice
  • Getting obsessed about acquiring liquors, etc. for mixing cocktails again, but then looking into the other side whether drinking is "masculine" or good at all


For some reason, I am avoiding finishing updating my resume...perhaps because the "relevant coursework" items might not be "perfect"!?? This can't be that difficult...

Also, if that obsession is going to happen everytime I drink, probably best I don't keep any alcohol on hand.

Going to break that reasoning out into an explicit section so that I might reference it in the future:



Pros/cons to drinking:

  • Pro:
    • Circumvents overthinking (which does feel kind of nice tbh)
    • Enhances humor (jokes land harder, goes great with cartoons)
    • Social lubricant (as if I ever use it that way, but yes)
    • Sometimes grants a significant confidence boost (also feels really good when it happens)
    • Mixing drinks is a skill which can seem classy (??)
  • Con:
    • Technically a poison to the body (potential longer term effects on brain beyond liver)
    • Lowers higher-level thinking (valued asset)
    • Lowers seriousness (from enhancing humor)
    • Lowers reflexes (self-defense applies)
    • Lowers inhibitions (inadvertently "trusting" others)
    • Lowers productivity
    • Lowers ability of "beautiful" music to move one on a deeper level (harder to explain, could be a pro depending on perspective)
    • Can become a crutch, coping mechanism, or even an addiction (most dangerous downside tbh)
    • (Relatively) empty calories, does not benefit an attempt at weight loss
    • Pauses metabolism
    • After effects can keep one awake as body attempts to return to homeostasis
    • Prevents Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep



Well, I am glad I took the twelve minutes to do that. Seeing it visually makes it more obvious. While my list generation might have been biased, it would appear the cons outweigh the pros.

I think the struggle here is the idea of "occasional" drinking. Does doing so make sense at all? Is doing so...morally viable? Make sense as part of my life specifically? If so, on what such occasions?

With gaming, its obvious: I have experience. I have not been able to moderate my gaming, so it needs to be cut out entirely (also, I don't want to go back...its not real). Same with YouTube.
...and fapping, the time cost alone outweighs the few (if any) benefits. It's not even satisfying; it's just a crutch/unhealthy coping mechanism.

Why does drinking liquor have...an allure? Beer...doesn't seem to have that sort of appeal, perhaps not even wine. Maybe its cultural, or its just me imagining it as a form of avoidance! :8_laughing:

 

Just catching up on yesterday, I spent 45 minutes on this. That's, wow...that's a lot. I blame listening to the Free Bird solo on repeat (it is looooooong).

I am getting hungry. I'll stop here for now, and I'll see if I eat the food I have cooked :8_laughing:

Edited by Resonant_Shell
Correcting more typos as I return to my journal
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I have failed to prioritize my journal lately.
I managed entries for one day previously, but I am still behind.
I need to not let that deter me. Again, this does not need to perfect, or necessarily consistently formatted (for now, anyway)
I have set a timer to preventing spending too much time journaling, especially today.

Let's see what/how much I can remember.

November 22nd, 2022:

My workday began with addressing a customer's production-impacting issue, so this workday went by quickly.

Ending up reading about alcohol yet again. Thankfully, the more I read, the more I remind myself that I do not want to make drinking alone habitual.

November 23rd, 2022:

Another workday that went by quickly:

  • By this point in the week, I can tell my brain is getting tired of the days looking the same, along with the same type of mental effort.
  • Rather than turning to alcohol to numb that feeling, I went for herbal tea. However, it was more for taste, as it wasn't the kind for calming the mind.

In place of considering exercising after working, I ended up taking an hour-long call with my dad on various topics, one of which was going out for Thanksgiving.

  • Note: I did want to emphasize that, after this call, my head felt better. I suspect the social aspect and speaking in a relatively free manner was enough variety from troubleshooting software at work.
     

Ended up not only eating late takeout but staying up until 3:00 AM on Twitter, of all places (on my Windows operating system, where it wasn't blocked). I still get caught up saving witty comics; my mistake was looking up an artist. The irony is I deleted most of them, and it's not like they are telling me things I do not know.

 

Today so far (November 24th, 2022):

  • Woke up near 11:00 AM today, fapped once.
  • Spent time reading news related to last night's topics. Blocked that site on the Linux side now.
  • I finished my second frozen coffee several minutes ago:
    • Definitely amped in relation to said topics, the state of the world, etc.
    • Now if I could channel that energy

Beyond a bad sleep schedule, I have been struggling to fall asleep the past few days, even when going to bed earlier. That is unusual, as I was doing better earlier this month, etc.

Currently, I am struggling with a lack of structure, sure, I am not working (for now), but I am avoiding...committing to....anything? I need to do something, truly finish Module #4, populate the whiteboard I purchased, proceed to Module #5, and actually start doing it.

At about 3 PM today, I finally made myself write a basic agenda, starting with GameQuitters forums-related tasks. I wanted to catch up!


Some time to spare left on my timer. Rather than overthinking, I am going to stop while I am ahead. Let's see what I can make of this Thanksgiving weekend...

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