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Started off with a relapse so this is gonna be a tricky little experiment - Jani's journal


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A week ago I came back to this forum for the 4th or 5th time. I vowed to never play video games again to save my future and enjoy life. Well, here we are a week later. I relapsed immediately the day after. 

It just feels that it's impossible to quit. It's damn hard to even take a break for one single day. Yesterday again I noticed that I was getting anxious when I was at my girlfriends place overnight. It feels like I can't enjoy life without games at all... Nothing brings the same satisfaction and I refuse to accept the boredom that follows quitting. I refuse to accept the feelings caused by 6 lost games in a row in league of legends too, so I have a paradox.

BUT! There is light in the end of the tunnel. After my last discussion with my doctor, he advised me to go to a psychiatrist to evaluate if I am going through adulthood ADHD / ADD. I mean, I was diagnosed with the latter when I was 7 years old. I have always found it hard to concentrate on anything except the funniest things in life. I simply lack the patience and self-control to succeed in anything demanding like that, and the sad thing is that I am completely aware that I would have the "talent" and the facilities to become something in life. So maybe if I get the diagnosis, I could hopefully get better at controlling myself, my urges and my life in general. I could probably study and concentrate for more than 3 minutes at a time... Oh that would be so nice...

Sad thing is that right now I feel like I want to quit gaming but I am 100% sure that tomorrow I will regret my decision again and because I feel so sad and f'ed up overall, I will use gaming as means to reward myself for getting through a day and persisting through the sad and empty feelings. I have felt miserable from inside for years and this mostly concerns my physical wellbeing. The mental side usually comes along when I am gaming and lose too many games or get annoyed by my friends who make fun of me taking gaming too seriously. 

I am glad that I have taken cycling as a new hobby, already did 50+ kilometers in just 3 days so that's a start..

I wonder when I can get started with this project (quitting gaming). I know the "... acknowledge the problem and accept it" and "you just need to start no matter what" things and it's just overwhelming. I need to do it cold turkey, there is no in between for me. That only works if I play something different from League of Legends, which has been my go-to game for over 10 years now. I can't stay hyped with other games like siege or overwatch for more than a week at maximum. Those would be the games that I play with some kind of sense of the time used to it and wouldn't take it as seriously. The downside is that I get bored to them so easily and they don't seem fun anymore.  League of Legends definitely is no fun, it's more the ranked ladder anxiety resolving to victorious gaming streaks and rising higher in the ranks, which keeps me hooked to the game really effectively. 

Ok. May this be the opening rant for my project. Let's hope that I can get back into this journal really soon so I can get myself going with this project... 

 

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