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Don't even know where to start. Hello everyone, you can call me Rudy.

And I am a gaming addict. Though this addiction didn't ruin my life completely, I've never been in a adequate relationship with video games due to my psychological nature. I'm prone to repetitive behaviour, which makes me play more than healthy people do. Games for me always were a form of escapism (home environment isn't really healthy) and relief for pre-existing condition such as constant anxiety. Can't say games are helping me anymore — gaming community is toxic, and it is hard to do not pay attention to people who cannot exist without badmouthing their opponents or teammates.

To sum up, I've decided to end this time-consuming hell which leads me nowhere.

Currently I'm recovering from depression, so my only promise right now is not to game as long as possible.

Welcome to my journal.

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23.03.21

Felt angry all day for no reason. Scary.

Although I've managed to turn off Pinterest notifications, also unsubbed from nasty email junk and deleted some apps. Planning to read tomorrow. 

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Hey Rudy,

I want to first congratulate you on taking the big first step into quitting games! The truth is, not many gamers can admit that they have an addiction, so you are already above most!

Do you know why you felt angry today? Was it anger towards the toxicity of the gaming community, or something more internal? One of the things you can do with the huge amount of free time you have is explore yourself. What behaviors or factors give you certain emotions? How can you deal with these in a healthier way than games?

I find these questions are beneficial because you come out knowing more about yourself but also how to handle certain emotions or behaviors you want to cut back on. 

I wish you luck on your journey

Jason

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Nice to meet you too, Jason, and thank you for your kind words!

I'm really into self-analysis, frankly speaking.

After some research yesterday I found out that angry feelings rise up because of external discomfort. Basically, our mind tells us to resolve conflict as soon as possible, and that's why, by the way, human creatures evolved.

Other sources say that it may be a sign of depression, which is also true. As you mentioned, roots also may be in online toxicity. Luckily, I have only two accounts in social media, both of them are used for helpful information and chatting with friends, so games were the only source of not-so-nice behaviour. All in all, I hope that this feeling won't come up again after therapy. If it persists, I'll try something else.

I also wish you luck! We can do it. 🙂

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Thank you.

24.03.21

Made a pizza, right now on the edge of finishing one of my productivity books. Rest of the time browsed net mostly, not gonna lie. Also watched some Cam's vids. Deleted TF2. Currently planning to remove other games...

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25.03.21

Woke up because of another nightmare, during day had a terrible anxiety attack. Exercised for an hour. Walked around housing sector for 2 hours approximately (5 km/3,1 miles), had dinner at the nearby café. Staff is so... kind? Weather's nice. Started book about CPTSD, if I find anything interesting, I'll post it here.

This community is a blessing, honestly. Having a company without any kind of judgement is something I've experienced, uh, never until now. Countless times grateful.

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Posted (edited)

26.03.2021

Couldn't fall asleep yesterday for three hours.

Watered plants, did some cooking. Rest of the day have been chatting with people on Discord servers.

UPD: cleaned the mess in my kitchen! Feeling proud of myself. In addition talked to s/o.

Edited by Rudianos
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30.03.21

One week streak! Though I still watch gaming-related vids. I'm stunned by, surprisingly, plot, characters and visual design. Half-Life is a good example. If we are talking about last Mortal Kombat, my attention is drawn to unique taunts between rounds, dialogues and so on (story mode is still horrible). All those small almost unnoticeable details. Looks like I perceive games as an odd sort of art. Interesting.

Cooked some waffles. Notion main page is almost ready.

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Posted (edited)

31.03.21

I have stopped wasting money on food delivery! Downloaded Duolingo again, gotta sharpen my French skills (very-very long ago I was somehere around A2 level). Surprisingly, I remember something. Besides that, I'm thinking about a reward for my milestones. Haven't decided what should it be exactly.

Edited by Rudianos
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Posted (edited)

01.03.21

"Do nothing" day, but I've pre-ordered my reward during lunchtime. Today I've also learned that diets lead to slower metabolism, bingeing, loss of muscle mass, rebound weight gain, food obsession, lost of innate hunger, shame, guilt and anxiety ("Just Eat It" by Laura Thomas, PhD nutritionist). The unavoidable diet cycle is even more dangerous ("They found that weight cycling is associated with higher mortality (death rate), higher risk of osteoporotic fractures and gallstone attacks, loss of muscle tissue, hypertension (high blood pressure), and chronic inflammation", source: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25147734/). An interesting article about sugar: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/sugar-addiction_uk_5a293b10e4b006a26fb3d09f

Edited by Rudianos
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Cutting out refined sugar entirely can be difficult, but also rewarding: it may change how you experience hunger, and also how well you sleep. I avoided sugar entirely for a full year, not long ago, and still eat very little of it; my morning tea is always unsweetened.

Are you still watching gaming videos? I've had to eliminate all of them from my YouTube feed . . . which has the added bonus of making YouTube sort of boring, so I spend less of my spare time watching videos of any kind.

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That's cool, @Zeno of EleaI'm proud of you! Actually, my sugar consumption is incredibly small too. I never drink anything sweetened, my only problem lies in pastry. Since dieting didn't actually work for me, I do believe Laura. Her theory suggests intuitive eating, which offers a variety of foods with no restrictions. I'll try it as soon as I would be able to.

 image.thumb.png.f095979879dad0421733f335d172078a.png

Yep, I still watch gaming videos, not going to lie. However, they do not trigger my cravings, but my Youtube time is still a mess which I want to fix just like you did.

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I found replacement activities, like running/speed-walking, watching Adventure Time/Rick & Morty/Solar Opposites, and programming, to be very worthy "distractions." FreeCodeCamp.org is a good place to start programming if you're new. Then, learn Java, its ecosystem, and software tools.

Also, create an OKCupid account or similar, and find dates for social outtings. 😁

Also, welcome to the community!

Edited by ArcaneCoder
grammar
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Thanks, @ArcaneCoder!

I've been planning to try walking in the morning. Watching stuff also definitely helps and programming sounds fun, learning C++ is one of my dreams. FreeCodeCamp looks very promising, I'll give it a try.

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I cannot believe that March has ended and then another March started in my journal. I'm fixing that.

03.04.21 - 05.04.21

My feeling of time is distorted, cringe. There isn't much to brag about, but still no games! I have visited cinema, currently trying to get myself together in order to start studying. Sorry for the lack of interesting content here, I just feel incredibly numb and tired all the time. Cannot imagine how I'm going to learn new stuff with that state of affairs.

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