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Jan 22, 2021

Heyoo,

I've been around here a few times before.  I've had a love/hate relationship with video games pretty intensely for the last 6 or so years.  They have been a crutch when I had a chronic fatigue virus - similar to Lyme's disease.

But as of late, my health has improved tremendously.  I needed to get out of my hometown and get some space so I moved to Arizona to finish school and I found a good Dr. down here.  Recently, I have made huge strides with my pornography addiction with the help of Covenant Eye's and I feel like that's under control for the first time in 7 years, thank GOD.

I just picked up a new job at a sushi restaurant and I'm waiting on my application for college to go through, but with the downtime came some video games.  I have lots of great relationships with people I've met through gaming and I find it hard to say no to those relationships because they always revolve around gaming and gaming content.  

But I want to give this another go, because I know I have so much potential, and when I game that flame of potential turns into a mere ember.  I want to live my life to the fullest, something I've been dreaming about for so long while I've been held back with my health.  

So today, Friday, Jan. 22, 2021, Imma go no gaming, no gaming media which includes discord, and try to work on some hobbies and activities that are in line with my BIGGEST goals which include: Living in Japan, excelling at school (architecture), getting into stand up, creating a great friend group and being social, and some health/physical goals too.

Thanks for reading!

Edited by Average_Guy
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Day 3, January 24 2021.

I always think about going back to gaming as soon as I get off work, just to chill out for the night, but that always goes away quickly.  

I started working at a nice sushi restaurant recently.  I'm so happy to finally be almost fully healthy again, just doing normal adult stuff now.  Everyone at the restaurant is friends n' stuff and I fit right in, almost effortlessly.  Maybe I took simple friendships and laughing at stupid jokes for granted but it just makes me super happy.

I always used the excuse that 'I literally can't do anything else' to game when I was super sick, but now I don't have that excuse anymore.  Just feels like things are finally going in the right direction.  And when adversity and hardships in life eventually happen, I don't think I'll need gaming.  I'm coming out of the darkest, hardest, most hellish fight of my life, and after you've been through shit like that, it feels like you can handle more than you've ever been able to handle.  The crutches are comin' off, finally feeling like myself again.

 

 

Good mix if you're into Chill EDM.  

 

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Day 4, Jan 25 2021

I'm waiting for the urges to stop this week.  Every time I turn on some music though, they dissipate.  So I'm gonna keep doing that while I work on some fun/art side projects.  

Trying to decorate my apartment a bit.  I'm just putting this pic (below) in photoshop and draggin' the picture frames that are on the TV stand around to see where they will fit in best.  Might upload a pic when it's finished.

I'm gonna paint over the canvas with the dinosaur, just found that at a thrift store for cheap.

Also, todays sountrack. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYvEhgYy35I

 

IMG_20210125_152158.jpg

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Hi!

Thank you for putting so much besides plain text into these journal entries, they are super fun to read! Good luck on your journey- I hope that things get rougher you will stay strong 🙂

Po

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Day 5, Jan 26 2021

Been having some bouts of depression in the mornings for the last few days. Depression has always been a trigger for me to game and escape.  I know eventually the depression will lift and even be cured sometime soon this year, but I won't give in today just because in this moment I feel a bit shitty.   

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Day 9, Jan 30 2021

I had a few really good days at work and some great new friendships, but this morning has been a little slow and a little depressed.  The source could be a lot of things, flatlining, withdrawals, illness, or whatever else.  I'm going easy on myself and trying to rest my fatigued, healing body even though I want to be putting intense effort into my goals and aspirations.  I guess I'm just trying to find some peace.

I started watching The Fellowship of the Ring (LOTR) and it's almost as if I'm seeing it for the first time.  There is so much meaning behind everything in that movie.  But what stuck out in particular is the Shire.  It's a safe comfortable village, almost untouched by the outside world.  But there is a dark army on the rise that will soon take over everything.  If Frodo is complacent to the impending doom, then his world will ultimately be engulfed by darkness and destroyed.  So he must leave the safety of the Shire and go out into the real world to confront dangerous and challenging obstacles and ultimately battle with evil itself.

Oldschool Runescape was my Shire, my save haven from school, from family, from the pressure of many people watching and judging how I lived.  I didn't have to work or stand up to my fears in the Shire.  But if I never left the Shire, I would eventually be consumed by the impending army of darkness.  I can't go back, I started this journey for a reason and I must see it through.  I have to fight so that I can actually live a worthy life instead of subsiding in a comfortable, safe haven that is really just a ticking time bomb.

If that makes any sense.. lol.

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2 hours ago, Average_Guy said:

Day 9, Jan 30 2021

I had a few really good days at work and some great new friendships, but this morning has been a little slow and a little depressed.  The source could be a lot of things, flatlining, withdrawals, illness, or whatever else.  I'm going easy on myself and trying to rest my fatigued, healing body even though I want to be putting intense effort into my goals and aspirations.  I guess I'm just trying to find some peace.

I started watching The Fellowship of the Ring (LOTR) and it's almost as if I'm seeing it for the first time.  There is so much meaning behind everything in that movie.  But what stuck out in particular is the Shire.  It's a safe comfortable village, almost untouched by the outside world.  But there is a dark army on the rise that will soon take over everything.  If Frodo is complacent to the impending doom, then his world will ultimately be engulfed by darkness and destroyed.  So he must leave the safety of the Shire and go out into the real world to confront dangerous and challenging obstacles and ultimately battle with evil itself.

Oldschool Runescape was my Shire, my save haven from school, from family, from the pressure of many people watching and judging how I lived.  I didn't have to work or stand up to my fears in the Shire.  But if I never left the Shire, I would eventually be consumed by the impending army of darkness.  I can't go back, I started this journey for a reason and I must see it through.  I have to fight so that I can actually live a worthy life instead of subsiding in a comfortable, safe haven that is really just a ticking time bomb.

If that makes any sense.. lol.

That makes a lot of sense! I like the similarities you draw, I never thought of them. Thank you for sharing!!!

Po

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Day 13, Feb 3 2021

I feel like some things are going into place.  I relapsed from porn unfortunately, but for the first time in a while I'm not mad at myself or depressed.  I've been doing extremely well with nofap; ever since I started using Covenant Eyes accountability software with my brother.  But, this time I relapsed not with an smart phone or a computer, but through watching an anime on TV.  What?!

This helped bring me to an insight about anime, something that I always believed was pretty much OK to consume.

I've always respected anime as a Japanese artform and as an artist.  However, recently the artform has taken a turn for the worst in the form of 'fan service' (promiscuity to bolster more male viewership.)  And this has spilled over into almost every series by way of competition.

There are more reasons than this to not watch anime, but in essence, anime is edging disguised as harmless entertainment.  Just like porn and other edgy material, it has the power hack our brains reward system.  Not every series is bad, but the vast majority is. 

But this is a good realization because it is one more piece in the puzzle to freeing myself from unhealthy escapism.  I'm happy that I have anime behind me now, starting today.  

In other news, I'm finishing up decorating my living room and I'll upload some pics soon.  Also, had a good doctor visit today and found out I have a parasite, which isn't as bizarre and weird as it sounds.  But I'm on some new supplements and that's another layer of recovery that's taking place.  Hope everyone is doin' well.

Edited by Average_Guy
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Day 18, Feb 8 2021

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MvBE3kps98  < Currently listening to this.  Chill Edm Track

Found out the accountability software does not work well on my cheap Android phone, so I might have to get another one which will be the 3rd time I've changed phones in the last 2 months trying to find a solution to the porn problem.

On all other fronts though, you could say I'm doing pretty well.  It seems like the underlying depression that I've had for almost 5 years is fading away.  I have normal up's and downs but through all of it I'm still kinda happy, even when I'm sad.

I've had a few thoughts about gaming, but not many.  I felt nostalgia to all the people from the UK that listen to Edm and game and play the game that I played.  The nostalgia came into my brain subtly, I thought about it and then let it go.  It felt like I was able to process it.

Whenever you make changes and better yourself, if you're into self improvement, it seems to uncover other issues, problems, or even smaller things that bother you that you could potentially fix.  We have this end goal in mind, but it's about how we get there and I think I should celebrate the smaller breakthroughs, like 18 days of no gaming.  😛

Had a pretty productive day.  Rearranged the living room space a little more.  I'm happy with it, but want to keep making it better - will keep updating.  PS, I took the pic in the center at the top.

 

 

 

DSCF1136-2.jpg

Edited by Average_Guy
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Day 20, Feb 10 2021

I think today I figured out that instead of finishing school in architecture, I want to finish in interior design.  I had a tough time accepting that because it's usually seen as pretty feminine.  I'm already a guy who doesn't enjoy watching sports, but I enjoy fashion, lol.  At the end of the day, it's good.  I'm accepting who I am, even if it's not very macho.  On the plus side, I'll probably be around lots of females when the summer semester starts, so that'll be nice.  

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Day 25, Feb 15 2021

Found this weird ambient synth video that I've just been listening to while I figure out what I need to get done today.  

I loved the movie Bladerunner 2049, and it kinda reminded me of that.  🙂

Anyways, finished almost a double shift at work yesterday.  My parents called me afterwards just to check up on me.  When I told them I'd been working from 10:30 - 8:45 we were all pretty happy, because it showed how far I have come with my health.  I felt a little tired, which is normal, but I was also rejuvenated and surprised at my progress.

 

I haven't been thinking about gaming much, I've been keeping busy with work and when I'm not relaxing, I'm trying to put my energy into projects that I really enjoy.  That consists of writing stand up comedy, trying to learn music making software, and researching/ doing interior decorating and designing.

My google pixel should be coming in the mail today, so I can set up a new accountability software I founds that's supposed to be the best out there (Truple).  I haven't looked at porn for about a week and this will help set me up for success immensely.  

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Day 28, Feb 18 2021

MY GOD.  The girls in this city are so damn pretty.  I went from the barren Mid-West to the mecca of attractive women.  This definitely helps with motivation when quitting both video games and porn.  Both of which, on all fronts, I'm having pretty good success with right now.

Today was probably the worst video game withdrawals I've had since the beginning of my detox.  This morning I started thinking about the nostalgic music of Runescape and the adventures I had when I first starting playing.  I went to work and someone called in sick so I ended up working a double.  By the time I got home at 9:30PM and had eaten and taken a bath I was thinking about those innocent, incredibly fun adventures from my youth.  

I really think I need to find some real life adventures of my own in life, something that will test and thrill me.  Apparently I'm kind of a junkie for adventures, so I gotta figure something out.

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Day 31, Feb 21 2021

Just eatin' a lil Talipia.  Things are moving the in right direction.  Doesn't meant they're easy, but you know, it's going.  Worked two double shifts this past week and my managers told me I did great.  I've really made some good friendships at work.

I feel my confidence going up.  Everything on the PMO front is going great and while my health is improving, so is my body.  I feel like I look more lean and cut, my postures better and I just feel comfortable in my skin.  Even though my forehead is breaking out a bit.

Doin' well.

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Day 34, Feb 24 2021

I swear, time is flying by.  I've already been in Arizona for 4 months, holy shit.  Feb's almost over and I'm not even mad about it.  I do really want to fly through this season of my body healing, detoxing video games, and covid.  And, thank God, it's goooin' fast.

Anyways, everything is progressing nicely.  Porn is under wraps!! Urges for video games are light and breezy; they come and go. My health is improving.  I'm keep making friends at work, I was invited to a BBQ this Sat, but I think I'm working that night, so I probably won't be able to make it.  

Right now I can hardly eat any sugars at all, fruit included, because I have a parasite.  My diet has had to be so strict, I haven't had alcohol in over 3 or 4 years.  I'll start school in the summer and I hope I'm well enough by then to have a drink or two.  I would love to socialize and go to parties to meet some more people in this city.  I'm getting so close to being able to live normally again, I can taste it.  It will be the highlight of this decade for me to be able to go to a party, after a long, diligent school/work week, drink an IPA or something, maybe take a hit of a J (it's legal here).  Just live a little!

Being able to swim laps to my hearts desire or run on some hiking trails would also be a highlight.  Just gotta keep my head down til then.

 

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Day 40, March 2021

Although work is tough some weeks, it really makes the time go by faster.  I'm pretty happy about being on day 40 for no gaming.  Last week I was pretty motivated and this week has been kinda the opposite, so far.  No matter, I'm going to keep my head down and continue to trudge forward, no matter how lousy I feel.

I have picked up some distractions recently that are not very productive.  The only way I've really been able to meet people at this time are through work and my close apartment neighbors.  So, I started using bumble, because it would be nice to hang out with a nice lady or something.  The app is pretty alluring, because it's super fun to try and 'choose' which girl you could potentially meet and stuff.  I haven't had any luck yet, and I'm not really looking to get, 'lucky' but it's something.  

Anyways, thought I'd check in because 40 is starting to look like a decent sized streak, and I feel good about where it's going.  🙂

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Day 42, March 4 2021

My head kinda feels like a warzone today.  Thank goodness being busy and around people at work helped me get through the day.  I feel like I'm in the middle of a flatline, which is completely fine.  But on top of that, I've been experiencing lethargy and depression.  I've been making so many good break throughs with my doctor, but my next appointment is Wednesday so I have to wait 'til then to hopefully get a new supplement or figure out something that will help.

I usually experience really bad symptoms before my doctor finds a type of nutritional supplement that my body needs.  The practice is called Nutrition Response Testing, and despite its weird methods, it's incredibly accurate and powerful. 

I'm really going to have to carry myself through this week.  I just wish I didn't have to deal with these health issues on top of everything.  I'm tired of it.

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Posted (edited)

Day 44, March 6 2021

Well boys, I've made it through a couple very hard days and I must say, it feels really good on the other side.

The other night I was journaling before I went to bed, I was feeling kind of euphoric, and I started listing all the things I was thankful for.  I don't think I could explain in one of these short entries the amount of shit I've been through in the last 10 years.  I consider myself a very strong, resilient person; never being incapable of picking myself up.  But in the last two years, I had many difficult events stack up before a disaster struck and my entire being was shattered to the core in a way I didn't know was possible.

I was broken in a way I had never been broken before.  This coming from a guy who felt he had hit his lowest lows multiple times in the prior years.  For 3 weeks my life felt like a hell that I had never experienced before.

To give you a small idea: My body had failed me to the point where the next step was to find some of the best doctors in the country to do dozens and dozens of tests on me for weeks until there was a solution.  There was lots of turmoil with my family, and in my greatest time of need, at my lowest low, my mother turned her back on me and kicked me out of the house because I was too much of a strain on her household.  We were fighting and I tried to step into her shoes and see her perspective and when I asked her to see things through mine, she (metaphorically) spat in my face.

But, almost 5 months later, I'm more independent, my health is finally improving with a doctor I had to move 22 hours away to be close to.  And he happened to be in the same city as a college I wanted to finish at.  My jobs great and my boss's are very understanding.  I'm making great friends and so much progress in so many areas of my life.

I'm still having trouble forgiving my mother, I think about it all the time and it still hurts.  I don't know when that will be resolved, but all that hardship, me being constantly beaten when I was down for years.. it was a gift.  A 'mysterious, powerful' gift.  It's super cliché to say, I know.  But all these little things in my life now, these little wins and pleasures, I do not take them for granted.  I am incredibly grateful and they bring me so much more joy than I ever imagined.  Just the joy I get from finishing a hard days work, I'm incredibly grateful.

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get this off my chest I think.  Life is tough and throws you curveballs all the time, but don't fret, because life's hardships are a gift.  They suck, but they also make life worth living.

 

Below is just a cool pic I took in japan in 2018. 

Sven.jpg

Edited by Average_Guy
Grammer/edited the conclusion.
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Day 49, March 11 2021

I usually like to keep my posts light, stream-of-consciousness-like, and entertaining.   So sorry about how long the last post was, it just kinda came out of me that night.  

Anyways, I had an urge tonight to watch an old video game Youtuber that I used to LOVE.  But, I just pushed that thought aside, put on some music and starting writing a 'reverse plan'.  Basically, what I would end up like if I let my vices consume me.  And lemme tell you, it wasn't pretty.  

As of late, I've been trying to get into music making.  It's always interested me.  I want to put a ton of effort and time into it, to see if I really like it or have potential.  I did that once with golf.  I thought I wanted to be a pro, so I played 100 rounds in 1 summer.  Turns out I don't enjoy the sport and haven't played since, lol.  

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Day 53, March 15 2021

One of the supplements I have to take, I have to cycle 10 days on, 5 days off.  I just finished the 5 days off and started back on it.  It's fatigued me to where I've spent the last two days on my couch in my apartment, only getting out a few times for food.  And, the one day that I worked while I just started the 10 days on, I had terrible brain fog, exhaustion, and was stressed and easily overwhelmed.  

The good news is that once I finish this supplement, (meant for killing a parasite I have) I will be doing so much better than I have in years.  But right now is really tough.  The other day I had an - almost unconquerable - urge to watch gaming videos.  I watched a few and have missed to game more in the last 2-3 days than I have the prior 50.  

I'm confident that I won't game.  But the scary thing is, if something were to happen, if somehow I was to figure out that my health stopped progressing and started regressing at my next appointment, I don't think I would be able to say no.

I have so much riding on my physical health, it's just a tough spot.  I just have to relearn how to endure intense fatigue/depression without using games.

 

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Beautiful pic from Japan. I don't talk to my Dad or sister anymore because I just don't feel comfortable with them. But I remember that Jesus said 'you have heard and eye for an eye but I say when someone has wronged you forgive them. And do not forgive once or twice, forgive and forgive and forgive again.' To mean forgive infinitely. That's intense that you moved so far to work with a doctor. I'm glad things are going better for you physically. Keep on going.

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Day 56, March 2021

@TheNewMe2.0 This helped so much man, thanks for the advice to keep forgiving!

Been a lot of ups and downs this week.  I'm not sure if it was a flatline, or my brain recovering in a way I don't understand, but I was definitely off all week.  I feel fine right now, but I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

I really was thinking about gaming.  I envisioned what it would look like to go back, how I could potentially make a career out of it with my incredible (jokes, but I'm not bad) editing and storytelling skills.  I looked at all the upsides...

Then I thought about the downsides.  The stagnation of a career, the thousands of hours needed to excel in a game these days, the short-lived lifespan of popular games, the smaller audience - hard capped around 400k subscribers - for Oldschool Runescape.  The inability to meet new people.  What it would look like to be an addicted gamer with children and a wife, or if I would even be able to find that as a gamer.  I could go on..

After I wrote out these pros and cons, the idea just went away.  

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For sure I remember hearing them tell about this story at church one time and it was good for me to hear too. Nice work writing a pros cons list and drawing a conclusion after. Those can be really helpful and I'm trying to practice them more too.

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Day 58, March 20, 2021

Everything's still going OK.  Urges are coming and going, but I'm still having some pretty unpleasant 'detox' symptoms as I take these supplements, which is making things tough.

Don't know a lot to say at the moment, just trying to hang in there.

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Hang in there! No matter how much you might be feeling like relapsing at the moment, the second you do it there will be all that guilt and regret. Bleurgh, nasty nasty 😠 Something that@wazzapp has recently said in their journal has also helped me greatly: 

"Sometimes i feel unmotivated, then i remember that my future-self would probably have wanted me to be productive today. And some day i will be in that future regardless if i want it or not."

No matter what happens between now and your next entry, don't quit on quitting please 🙂

Po

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