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Journey to the West ~Conclusion~


Average_Guy
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I appreciate the post Po.  Unfortunately yesterday I relapsed with MO, didn't look at porn.  But then to chase that depression I gamed.

Yes, it's a bit disheartening that I messed up.  But the real thing that's eating at me is my health.  I've been in a war for almost 10 years on the dot in a few months.  I just want to be able to live a normal life and do normal things again.  I had a neighbor that wanted to take me out for dinner because he's moving, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I literally can't eat out because of all the restrictions I have on my diet.  I can't drink alcohol or even a soda.  

I think I started gaming because I want time to just pass me by for the next 2 months and hopefully I'll finally be well by that time when I start school.

I also think my urge to watch gaming videos, a while back, was inextricably connected to my eventual relapse to MO.  More on that later..

Sorry to let the boys down.   

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It's totally okay! I think that at times the stress can be so overbearing that the better ways of coping with it are simply not enough- and so it is understandable to resort to gaming in order to help yourself get through. Gaming is a way to relieve stress; I don't think there is much wrong with videogames on their own. It is really the effect they can have on mental health if an addiction is developed that is harmful. A relapse is okay! 

Keep trying 🙂 It doesn't end here hehe

Po

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26 March 2021

I saw a really interesting tweet this morning by Lex Fridman.  "What matters most is how well you walk through the fire."

In other words, when you're going through hell, how do you handle it.  How do you carry yourself.

I most definitely have lots I could improve on when I'm going through hellish circumstances.  Could I have avoided a relapse?  Yes.  Is it far, far more difficult when undergoing medical treatments and recovering from deep health issues.  Yes.  But, does that mean it's impossible?  No.  At the end of the day, I hate to say this, but, I use lack of health, inability to lift/run/bike/swim, fatigue/stress/anxiety as excuses to fall back on habits that are easier to upkeep than doing the right thing.

I've made myself believe when I'm going thru hell, it's appropriate to escape with games.  It just doesn't feel right anymore. 

I start my new 'heavy detox' cycle tomorrow for the next 10 days which means all unpleasant symptoms will be amplified.  I will be back soon.

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22 hours ago, Average_Guy said:

26 March 2021

I saw a really interesting tweet this morning by Lex Fridman.  "What matters most is how well you walk through the fire."

In other words, when you're going through hell, how do you handle it.  How do you carry yourself.

I most definitely have lots I could improve on when I'm going through hellish circumstances.  Could I have avoided a relapse?  Yes.  Is it far, far more difficult when undergoing medical treatments and recovering from deep health issues.  Yes.  But, does that mean it's impossible?  No.  At the end of the day, I hate to say this, but, I use lack of health, inability to lift/run/bike/swim, fatigue/stress/anxiety as excuses to fall back on habits that are easier to upkeep than doing the right thing.

I've made myself believe when I'm going thru hell, it's appropriate to escape with games.  It just doesn't feel right anymore. 

I start my new 'heavy detox' cycle tomorrow for the next 10 days which means all unpleasant symptoms will be amplified.  I will be back soon.

Oh yes, I feel you so much! Was totally the case with me for awhile, and I still experience the strongest urges when heavily stressed. What helped me was finding new activities to do when I am stressed; starting with doing such activities throughout the day, when stress levels are low/manageable helped me be ready for not falling back when times of high stress would come around. Figuring out what activities could make me feel as excited/joyful/relaxed/whatever else as when I am gaming was helpful; for me, it turned out to be walks outside, laying on bed, and reading comics 😆 

Po

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30 March 2021

Welp.  I've had some revelations, some insights and a bit of a change that I wasn't expecting to come so fast.

First, and this ones a bit of a bummer.. but this past cycle (back onto the heavy detox medicine) hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  In fact, I would say it's been going great and I've been feeling about 85% strength/capacity instead of the 20-30% I was at on the last cycle.  

I'm not that disappointed that I failed.  I had a really good streak, along with nofap.  Honestly, one of the best streaks for doing both I've had in a while and I know I can 100% go again and do it better.  I've been conditioned in the last six, excruciatingly-tough years to fall back on games whenever the going got difficult.  I did this because I had tried to improve my health condition so many times and ultimately failed every single time with no known avenues for getting better.  I had ZERO hope left and the only drug that could numb my mental/physical pain was gaming, so I saw it as a necessary evil.

The recent positive spike I saw in my health showed me that while I may not yet be at 100%, I don't have to fear anymore because I have walked through the darkest part of this valley and now I know that I can undoubtedly obtain normality & optimal health again.

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@TheNewMe2.0  Just wanted to thank you for your post about forgiveness.  Reading that pushed me to make amends with my mother and our relationship has since been healed.  🙂

In other news: I will be starting a fresh streak in roughly a weeks time.  I'm also hoping to get the OK from my doctor to start lifting again soon.  I'd love to upload some progress pics along the way.

Talk to you all soon.

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That's awesome to hear. I'm very happy for you guys. I forgave my mom too when I was 28 and now we live together and she's my biggest supporter. Good luck getting into the lifting. Exercise is nice.

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12 hours ago, Average_Guy said:

The recent positive spike I saw in my health showed me that while I may not yet be at 100%, I don't have to fear anymore because I have walked through the darkest part of this valley and now I know that I can undoubtedly obtain normality & optimal health again.

I'm so happy for you! It's been a very long time since I've had any serious physical health issues, but I know your pain. For a few months about a year ago, my weigthlifting has resulted in damaged kneecaps. On some days I would not be able to bend my legs whatsoever. It still persists, but I am happy to be able to at least squat again. Hope that your recovery will continue to improve, and so happy that you're seeing improvement!

Po

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4 April 2021,

Feelin' mad decent today boys.  Had to work on Easter unfortunately, but I have lunch with a friend of my cousins from NY this week and school starts in a little over a month.  I'm also have a good healthy energy going today.  I just know I have great health on the horizon.   It just feels like things are falling into place.  As soon as I get to a good place health-wise, I really want to take on some difficult projects.  I've just been through so much difficulty, I feel like I can handle so much more now.  Like my bandwidth for life has increased.  

 

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Loving your positivity and optimism. It makes me feel the same way about my health even though I'm probably gonna be scheduled for one or more surgeries in the upcoming months and can't currently walk w/o crutches. We got this.

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5 April 2021, Day 1

@TheNewMe2.0 Rooting for you man.  I know your situation is tough as well, but there are upsides to crutches as well.  It's a good conversation starter and women love helping out a guy in need! (I think?)  Make sure to have a pic of you with crutches because it's a good visual for part of your story.

Deleted all the games again and starting fresh on day 1.  They became boring pretty fast.  When I first went to college, I outgrew gaming.  By now you guys know that I used it as a crutch when I lost my health.  But, I feel like I'm getting back to that old me that never needed gaming.

School is going to start in 5 to 6 weeks, and I want to be fully prepared.  Let's start this up again and make it last.

 

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Hey, stay strong! It’s never too late to recover. All the best with your upcoming school year! 

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Good luck at school. You'll probably do a lot better w/o gaming in the mix. Thanks for the encouragement on the crutches. Maybe I'll get approached at Walmart or something hehe. I'm a little apprehensive to post pics of me on here. I've kept it pretty anonymous this past year. I'd think about it though. Rooting for you too.

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8 April 2021, Day 3

Yoo.  Just got home from a Trivia night at a coffee house/bar with a friend of a cousin that I got connected with.  It was pretty fun and the weather was perfect outside.  I have work tomorrow, but I'm trying to piece together a skill/hobby that I can work on while I'm taking classes.  It's looking l'm going to have to do 4 years to get a degree in Interior Design.  The only credits that transferred were for my gen-eds, which kinda sucks.  But oh well.  

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Hey uh I transferred majors too and it took an extra year to do undergrad. Then I didn't graduate with my MA till like 7-8 years later. So it can be a really long process to get to that career we want for many of us. Even my supervisor is on her third career at age like 50+. Can't believe she got a PhD in psychology at her age. The point is even though it does suck and it's 'late' if you make it in a careeer you like in 4 years then that's still pretty good and you'll be licing a good life with a good career you actually like. While many people are stuck in careers they don't like and will eventually have to go back to school for a whole new career later in their lives. Doing good man keep it up

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11 April 2021, Day 6

@TheNewMe2.0 That's actually great advice.  Plus, I keep comparing myself to other people, like being in a class with a bunch of freshman as a 28 year old.  It's fine if I do things at my own pace.

I've been able to start going on short runs which I haven't been able to do in 3ish years.  It feels so good, but I don't want to push myself too hard yet.  I can see myself getting pretty addicted to working out and running again which is a good addiction to have.  It just felt amazing.

T minus 1 month and 1 week til summer school!

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17 April 2021, Day 12

Yoo, I feel like I haven't updated in a hot minute.  

So far, I'm doing pretty good.  Haven't had any urges or anything.  My biggest concern at the moment is staying productive.  I have been watching a good amount of television, and I have all the tools and knowledge of how to be productive, but when it comes down to starting some -more difficult- tasks, I'm struggling.

My doc said I should be having a breakthrough pretty soon, but I'm trying not to have my hopes up too much.  This weeks been tough because I've been having problems with my appetite/hunger.  My doctor thinks its related to my blood sugar levels.  I can eat a full meal and be hungry in the next hour, or even right after I eat.  Last night I couldn't even sleep for hours because of these hunger sensations.  We've been working on it for 6 months, but this week it's been pretty bad and it can be very irritating.

Hopefully we'll find a solution soon.

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Are you taking psychotropic medications? Sometimes those can increase appetite. If you are you can try meditating a boatload and even doing yoga and other religious practice/therapeutic practices to help fix the mental health without drugs. Then once your coping is built up try reducing the meds bit by bit.

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I'm not taking any psychotropics, I've pretty much completely stayed away from any sort of big pharma approach to health.  They seem like a temporary band aid for a problem that goes a lot deeper.  I even avoid antibiotics while I can, unless it's super serious.

I started having this problem when I went vegetarian for around 6 months after being diagnosed with too much iron in my blood.  I have a doc visit in 2 days, so hopefully I can get some answers or solutions. *fingers crossed*

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22 April 2021, Day 17

Feelin' a little more motivated the last 2 days.  I just set up a calendar in my room to do 5 months, or about 150 days of 10 minutes of yoga and 10 minutes of meditation everyday.  "Sometimes the greatest challenges are the ones we take up on a whim." 

I really believe this is going to help me in more ways than one.  On all other fronts, still makin' progress.

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28 April 2021, Day 23

Felt like shit today.  Detoxing from some supplements pretty hard.  On my way home I thought, what's stopping me from gaming right now in this moment, when my body/mind are hurting; why not?  Then I remembered a lesson I learned the last few times I relapsed and started to game.  Gaming releases a ton of dopamine and simulates a chaser effect that makes you seek other high dopamine activities, aka PORN.  

I really feel like I have every excuse to game some days, if you've read some of my posts you might know.  But the one thing I care more about quitting gaming is Porn 100%.

That simple lesson saved my streak today and will continue to drive me to not game.

Instead I listened to some new house music, browsed instagram, then tried to learn some new dance moves in my bedroom.  Next thing I knew, 2 hours had passed and I felt a little better from the exercise, and here I am now. 

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Posted (edited)

Learning to dance to house and edm is awesome. Makes me want to shuffle right now! And save money and go rave and dadadaada. No drugs though. Good job finding replacement behaviors keep up the effort

Edited by TheNewMe2.0
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  • 2 months later...

July 18, 2021,

Was writing some of this stuff in my journal and got an urge to write on this forum again.

Been over 2.5 months since my last post.  A lot has happened since then, I played games probably a few days after my April 28 post.  I played about a month and knew, in the last 2 weeks I was playing, that I was not genuinely not enjoying myself and saw how destructive it was.  

I quit once again after a month of playing.  However, in the next few weeks my health would skyrocket to the most stable it's been in 10 years.  I am not fully healthy yet, but I'm about at 80%.  

Because of this stability, and the leaps and bounds my health has taken, I feel better than I've "maybe" ever felt in my life mentally, physically, spiritually.

Work is going incredible, everyone wants to be my friend, schools starting soon, I've been able to exercise hard, and I can get away with eating junk food and having a couple drinks which I haven't been able to do for a little over 7 years.

Now all that's great, I've been doing so well with nofap as well, but living in a college town, sometimes females will 'go great lengths to get into bed with you'.  And I have 'caught feelings' for a female.  We did the deed, and since I have been kind of hooked.  I've been going out with friends and since I live in a state where weed is legal, I've been doing that too, kind of trying to numb all the emotions that came with sleeping around, boredom, desperately wanting to be more social, not being in school yet (I moved to a new city, where I knew nobody, in the middle of covid), and just loneliness.

I feels a bit like I've evolved, gaming is no longer something that is even in the realm of possibility, it's just off the plate for good, I cringe when I think about it.  But how I have this new kinda set of problems that I'm trying to figure out.

I'm going to try and exercise patients and quit smoking/drinking/sleeping around for a while longer.  I feel like I never lived out my college days and it feels like I'm kind of doing that.  But I want to get to 100% health, while working on my passion and I feel like I will be able to balance everything much better.  Plus, this lifestyle is not helping my health at all, I know I'll heal faster if I don't do any of this.  It's just difficult and I'm lonely.  

Hope you all are doing well.

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  • Average_Guy changed the title to Journey to the West ~Conclusion~

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