My partner of 11 years is leaving me due to his gaming addiction.

[Boho356]

So I've been with my partner for eleven years engaged for six. I'm head over heels for him. We own our own home, have a dog who we adore and were trying for a baby a couple of months ago, that was until 5 months ago when he met new friends through Wow. 

Hes constantly speaking to these friends who are an engaged couple who both work but in their spare time game with each other constantly, these friends have basically taken over my life. 

After meeting this couple he tells me he no longer wants kids and wants a partner who will game with him long story short he wants us to be like this couple (who are by the way 8 years younger than him, he's 32)

He is willing to give up everything to achieve this dream he wants me to sign the mortgage over to him which he probably won't afford due to being in debt with me for nearly 16k he wont afford the car he has now which he needs to carry his gear to get to gigs since he's a musician he said this is part of his problem too as he can't get out to do other things to keep him occupied. 

I've even slept on my sisters sofa for two weeks to give him space to think things over but in that time his gaming friends basically moved into my home for a few days to give him company and when they went was straight back onto the computer to carry on gaming with them. 

Today I've confronted him about the house he wants me to sign it over as he has no place to live and quite frankly will not be In a great financial situation. He told me he won't stay here long as this house will only remind him of me. Hes confessed countless times he has an addiction but can't tell whether these are his genuine feelings or the addiction talking?  Basically I'd hate him to give everything up for this stupid game to only realise what he's done to himself when he has nothing. I care for him too much and told him if he has a change of heart then my door will always be open. 

Edited January 17, 2021 by Boho356

[Amphibian220]

Welcome Boho, im not a professional family counsellor, but I can suggest a few things on the addiction part.

It sometimes helps a lot to discuss his favorite activity (gaming) because he may be ultimately unhappy with it. Why “may be”. Gamers can be in different stages of awareness. The worse stage is where the gamer thinks that he can combine gaming with a successful career and family life. The better stage is where he has dropped wishful thinking  and knows that gaming will negatively effect many areas of his life.

A good question ask in this regard: is gaming interfering with your duties and responsibilities as a worker/husband? When a gamer goes on the defensive it shows that he is in denial and his awareness is limited.

I can also advise getting a book “power of habit” and having a read through with taking notes. That book lays down foundations for changing one’s outlook and way of life.

Gaming can be an escape from underlying problems that the person does not like to admit or is afraid of confronting. In fact in many instances it is. Games allow you to win without pain, discipline or any difficulty but they also make you ineffective in solving real life issues on many levels.

Edited January 18, 2021 by Amphibian220

[Ikar]

@Amphibian220brings up some good points and questions. Your partner might be aware that there are some things that are "not going great", but that alone is apparently not enough incentive for him to change much. I also agree with the fact that this is a matter for couple's counseling and that all the people here can provide only layman's observations/suggestions about what worked for us in our specific situations. As his partner, and one who's been with him for 11 years, you should be a big part of his life and you likely know the most about him, besides himself.

When/why did he start gaming excessively?

What were the things you could've done differently so that he didn't fall down this rabbit hole this deep?

How did you/do you enable his addictive behavior?

How do you plan improve the relationship and yourself?

If things do not improve, hen are you going to give him the "real" last chance?

Addiction isn't a lighting out of clear sky. It's a defense mechanism against the unbearable "real" environment. You are a part of his "real" environment and you play your role (be it positive or negative). Give him all the love and support that you can.

There's a point however where the loving thing is to let the other person go. My father's friend kicked his son out of the flat, because he did nothing else than game all day - he eventually got his thinking together, found a job and started doing other useful things in life. My X left me, because I gamed all day without realizing there was ever a problem. It was extremely painful and confusing, because I wasn't even aware there was a problem to begin with. I didn't want to part with her. It seems that your partner is aware that you are parting ways (regarding the mortgage) and he seems to be okay with it though.

Again, I am not a professional, but this is how the things seem to me.

[Bird By Bird]

I'm sorry for you that you had to suffer, and are suffering, such abusive behavior. It sounds like you need an intervention. Have you spoken to his parents? Can you count on them to help you? What about your parents or family members? Can you call them and ask them to go to you and have your back?From what I understand this is your house so you may need marriage therapy or a priest/minister if you belong to a religion or a lawyer.

Kicking you out of the house to play games 24/7 is as bad if not worse than online gamling addiction or smoking weed every day. You need support.