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Countdown - 90 days - from Zero to Hero (real life this time)


Stev1989PL

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Finished day 1 > 89 days to go

In the beginning few words as how this journal is gonna look like.
- I am doing this purely for my myself, for my own purpose, writing from the bottom of my heart, not seeking anyone approval, cheers or special chapel to be built - though if it motivates at least one person somehow I will build it myself
- the idea is to finish EACH of my day just before going to bed with journal entry - even if there is gonna be just few words like "feeling like I am scrubbing the toilet with my teeth", whatever
- the idea is for me to last all 90 days (I have committed myself before my girlfriend, all of you on this forum and dear friend of mine, my psychologist) - being honest I have always quitted in few days, two weeks tops with all my new "resolutions" of how my life is gonna be - this time I will try to not fck this up for real !!
- the idea of quitting is total = no games, no streams, no video content, no websites, no twitter, NOTHING GAME RELATED

Entry:
Feeling quite optimistic, although tired in general at this moment. I have started the new job as Project Launch Buyer for European Automotive Plants which I know will be a challenging as hell and in very near future I'm gonna feel the urge to fire my ass and go straight back to candy land of virtual world and becoming one of the best instantly with no effort. That is quite discouraging.. But knowing that this stage will come eventually I am gonna be prepared to just accept that I suck until I stop sucking (yeah yeah I know). Also I am gonna try to fill my time after work with whatever I can just to stay away of urge that crawl down on me like basilisk from Harry Potter.. I can feel it coming, whispering louder and louder until it ends up with me with my phone/laptop in my hands petrified for everything else but that. 
As ending of this entry I would like to share with you activity of today that filled my battery, hold my focus and made me succeed with this day. Attaching the photo also as saying "hello" to whoever might read my journal.

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Finished day 2 > 88 days to go

Entry:

Second day behind me. I have experienced some mood swings. Deliberately staying away from my mobile phone today. For the first time I haven't taken it with me to the toilet as usual (which afterwards triggers willingness to check favorite youtubers, streams and in the end install HS and start sneaking behind my girlfriend's back while playing). Replaced the mobile with paper book about addictions bought in Empik specially for 90 days reboot occasion as the additional booster.

I gotta admit I have urges and I find myself to grab my phone or in the moment of distraction while working to have the need to check gaming websites or twitch. In those moments I try to regain focus but it results with me having low energy during my worktime. Focus is really distracted as I struggle with myself constantly.

In the end after work I have gone to the mountains right with couple of my friends to keep myself occupied and out of my normal comfort zone when I normally played/watched games.
It felt truly amazing!! Snow level up to knees point, winter in the higher mountains at night is something else. I got back tired (around 3,5h trip, 15km) but really happy. Adding photo as well as the journey was epic for us, though freezing, yet satisfying  :339_snowflake:

Have a good night.

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Finished day 3-5 > 85 days to go

Entry:
I am still hanging on.. I know it was supposed to be daily journal but I had a party on Friday - friend's birthday - drank too much and there was no way I could collect my thoughts into something of readable insight after that day. Saturday on hangover and another party (though no alcohol this time), Sunday spent on ice bathing (which became extremely popular in my country these days - more memes each days lol) and realizing one of my girlfriend's wish which was getting a cat. I got it from adoption and made here a surprise. Just as she was about to enter our flat I was nervous as though I would ask her to merry me. Funny feeling 😄 Anyway I just wanna say I am still staying away, no content was checked, no game was played. Got myself occupied fully. There were some moments I really wanted to check the "usual" websites, kinda felt like I have no purpose no more, felt lost in not knowing what to do.. We will see how it's gonna go.

Have a good night.

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Finished day 6 > 84 days to go

Entry:
Starting to feel withdrawal effects, definitely more gloomy mood, relatively depressing aura and lack of motivation.. I can feel the emptiness when I have nothing to fill my time with which was previously occupied by game related breaks and so on. Even writing this journal entry comes hard and I need to force myself to do it. Well.. I am still staying away from the activity that dooms us all which is in itself a success but aint feel so atm.. I have low energy and I know in my head that I should keep going and I shall do it further still. But at this moment it is the ultimate opposite of attitude than it was at the beginning of that journal. Just pointing that out

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Welcome @Stev1989PL! I like how you add photos to your entries. It's fun. 

Yeah, withdrawals can be a pain, and like you said, some of it is just the emptiness that's there now that you've sworn off what used to be a major part of your life. I completely lost my mind when I did it properly after I started up my journal again, and I realized I absolutely 100% needed a therapist because there were many things wrong in my life that I was neglecting. 

The good news is that as you use your time for better things, you'll start feeling better about everything and less depressed. Just don't forget to celebrate the small victories along the way, and no matter what, just keep trying until you figure out what works for you!

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Finished day 7 >  83 days to go (actual 1st week off full cut off gaming, nothing related to it)

Entry:
Well it seems like yesterday in a way.. Lack of motivation continues, though I am starting to notice that gap between what I am supposed to do at the moment (like the need to focus on certain task at new job position > which forces me to read for example the entire conversation between different parties related to resourcing from Monako to Poland with delivery to Spanish plant) and what tickles my fancy in gaming world.

@DaBest Thanks bro I truly appreciate your insight here. I gotta admit perfect timing as well as I am struggling atm. We have just watched "Seven Pounds" movie with my gf. She saw it for the first time (I have many times since my youth - one of those movies that benefited my value system as the man) and we shed few tears on the way. This movie seems to bring true emotions around what is really important in human lives somehow and leaves you w/o all of bad emotions with clear view around your situation. I am also glad that you like the photos I post. As the small victory you mentioned and part of something good on the way I am posting another one below. I dont know your situation bro but based on your posts count I can see you are either struggling yourself or putting the time to help others with something you had conquered.

 

 

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No problem, bro. It's an easier path to walk with others, which is I think the main reason why I'm still around--and the fact that I spend way too much time on the internet.  I want to pay back the support I got from others, and dealing with 20 years of unrecognized depression is going to take a bit of work :/

You know what, I'll give Seven Pounds a watch. I like movies like that, where it takes you out of your own self-absorbed existence and reminds you that there are much bigger things to focus on. 

And geez, I don't know how you developed that kind of cold tolerance, but you sir, are an absolute animal! 

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Finished day 8 >  82 days to go

Entry:
2nd week has started of gaming content ban I set for myself. At the same time it is getting tough at my new work, I am getting more responsibilities and are to be expected of more things to fulfill. I can feel in away as if the more I get on my plate the more I wanna quit right away.. How ironic is that in comparison to gaming addiction? I would leave this question to dwell on more.. How likely we are to give up the things that would improve our lives longterm at first hardship and how unlikely we are to do so when we are gaming..?
Anyway something of importance, I have noticed as I am keeping myself at bay of my gaming addiction I have started to get the urge to compensate at different ones. For instance I have drank way too much alcohol than I should. I know it doesnt serve me.. But as I am feeling better about myself due to successful games' prohibition I am less likely to do the same in other areas of self-destructing habits. I will need to keep an eye on that for sure....

 

@DaBest Bro just to share with you, I have also depression and in my egocentric nature and approach of "I know it all" I didnt feel to use help of any psychotherapist. I mean what for since I was knowing all theory from blogs/tedx talks/etc? What could they possibly say that I didnt know already? But in the end I gave myself benefit of the doubt and started sessions. At the moment I have to admit it is helping in some way even though I am still not entirely convinced. I guess I have reached the point of such indifference ("I just dont care anymore about anything" attitude) that I gave it a shot. I dont know your exact emotional situation but if you havent tried I strongly encourage you to do so. It might help. Wish you well!

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Haha, we're in the same boat then. I got a therapist around when that time happened, and it was the best decision I ever made. I can't tell you how many times I came to realize something by just talking out loud during a session, or having him call me out on my bs. It's been really useful to tease out thought patterns and cognitive biases that keep me stuck in the negative thought loops. Also, therapy can be a lot of work and you might not get to the mushy crying stuff or the deeper understanding of yourself right way. And if it's really not working, you can always try going to another therapist since not all therapists are good therapists. I think if you keep at the journal, and keep with the therapy, you will make big strides long term. Congrats on making it to week two!

 

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Finished day 9 >  81 days to go

Entry:
Feeling super tired so I am gonna make it super brief as well. Lack of motivation continues, I have trouble getting up in the morning, definitely way passed the time that I should already be up and running. I also get very easily annoyed which result in backfire at the one person I wouldnt like it happening to - my girlfriend. As she had a bad day too today I was really struggling to give her effective support.. At work I am also doing bare minimum atm. I am really looking forward to some turning point but I suspect it's not gonna come soon. 

@DaBestThanks for sharing, I really appreciate it. Sounds like you've come a long journey of self-discovery. I find it very motivating! 

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Finished day 10 >  80 days to go

Entry:
The day went fine I guess. It was pretty interesting at work though I am starting to get more on my plate. I am supposed to make a project extension for Jaguar Land Rover not knowing the system, where to find essential data, involved people and so on which is uber frustrating.. Probably usual characteristics of any corporation and approach in form of "sink or swim". Anyway I will need to resolve it somehow or fail during the process. Time will tell which actual scenerio is gonna be realized. I dont care in particular to be honest. Huh, I dont care in particular about anything at the moment actually. No idea if it is related to this detox or not but it is as it is.. I am purely keep on going just due to the fact that I made this commitment. Nothing else

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Yeah, that's probably a lot of just detox feeling. You're going from super dopamine highs with gaming, and replacing it with something relatively boring. It's going to take time for you to find ways to get more engaged and just get used to the lower level of stimulation.

How much were you gaming per day before your detox?

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Finished day 11-12 >  78 days to go

Entry:
Had intense Saturday due to Grandmother and Grandfather's Day, finished with a party with high amount of whisky - which led to my inability to write a post yesterday. Anyway I am still hanging on in case anybody wondered. It was relatively easy to keep myself away from gaming content this weekend as I was occupied totally with something - which is super beneficial to our purpose here I would like to point out. Though I have to admit that at one point when my cousin mentioned buying OLED TV with GeforceNOW service it made tick inside with proclivity to do the same as him. Idea of playing top games at highest graphic settings and 60fps is super duper tempting.. But fortunately I was able to put out this little spark that could have turned into relapse! 

@DaBestTrue indeed, well explained. I agree with you totally.
Answering your question it is hard to say as I have never been able to keep gaming in even semi-controlled dosages. It was usually at extremes. No playing at all and when playing, playing all the time. Hearthstone being available on Android made me playing during workhours and neglect my responsibilities. Moreover I have played it while driving a car.. And just before making a decision to quit and registering here, I even took sick days at work, lied to my girlfriend about going to work and actually ended up spending time gaming at my the car for 8 straight hours.. In my younger years when I was playing Lineage2, WoW, Age of Conan etc. while being in Highschool I regularly played whole nights till the point when I fell asleep during lesson hours in front of my classmates. Just passed out on my school desk. Well I could speak to you for hours with different stories like that. But I think just based on what I wrote you get the picture. 
How was it with you my friend and your addiction?

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Yeah, that's a lot of gaming and a lot of habit to overcome. But hey, you're doing great so far!

For me, it was basically all I did (and surfing the internet) when I was a kid and teenager. I would've played all day if my parents hadn't stopped me. The first time I knew I had a problem was when I got a trial Xbox Gold subscription with Modern Warfare 2, and on day 3 of the subscription I was so hooked I woke up, went to play for an hour, instead played for 8 without getting anything to eat or drink or go to the bathroom, and feeling just unstuck from time. I deleted everything off my Xbox and put it away forever in a box in a closet. That progressed to watching games to 3 AM in the morning during undergrad to get a fix. That then progressed to me trying to connect with a similarly addicted and depressed roommate over League of Legends, which I was INSTANTLY hooked to. I curbed that for about a year, but then went back to it when I had extreme anxiety caused by my lung bursting (yep), thinking it was a heart problem (your left lung holds the heart in place, and without it the heart kinda swings like a pendulum), to which I then played for about three 16+ hour days straight before going to the student health center and getting sent to the ER. Ironically enough, apparently that condition is more common with tall, skinny, sedentary, male individuals like myself. Apparently it affects esports players at a higher rate than normal too (it's still rare), which is ironic. A few months after that I found Game Quitters, and then I would periodically relapse a few times a year for 16+ hour stints. I've been good from not playing for a while, I willingfully relapsed a handful of times during lockdowns last year, and then relapsed a last time for about 8 hours during the summer. Now it's just down to curbing the distractions and the internet in general, since the desire to escape is still there, but it generally goes to less harmful outlets.

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Finished day 13 >  77 days to go

Entry:
I am little drunk atm to be honest. Day went "fine" I guess. That overused word "fine" which in reality means "leave me be" am I right? 
My day at work was divided into sections of focus when I had conference calls and those in-between when I was typing "www.gry-online.pl" in my mind and with my muscles memory (just asked my gf to check if there is "-" there as I didnt want to break given word while I am typing this message). Also my girlfriend had to go into the office today (they work in 3-1 ratios meaning, 2 weeks homeoffice and 1 week office scenario due to covid) therefore I was way more inclined and tempted to gaming today.. I have resisted to this temptation though. Not feeling like a super hero as it was barely done on my side. The recent days feel as though I was stuck in some middle-air sphere between the worlds of what I was used to be doing through my whole life and some vague potential of what I might become off it. I have to point out it here as it is rare feeling of me feeling as I was destined to do greater with my life somehow and in someway. The longer period of "clean mind" I have the more I am gaining additional perspective and little bit of stillness in my heart. I feel as though I am not so in the rush. I dont rush into another thing from another as I was used to. I am taking a time to do so. I recall clearly of the question I once got from my psychologist at one of my initial sessions: "Marcin, in your life, when do you feel like walking barefeet on the grass in early morning?". I honestly replied that I have no idea as I was always chasing something whatever it was in my life. Always on the move, not time to spare, no time to hold on for few seconds and contemplate. However at this very moment being "clean" for 13 days I am starting to notice more and more those brief moments of the clarity, state of being aware of time, space, life and actually not giving fuck of whats coming up next!!!!
I really want to point that out here as it is like "holy shit moment" for me 🤯

 

@DaBestThanks for sharing and also being repetitive part of this journal bro. I really appreciate it! Would you mind sharing how long has it lasted for you? Being that deep into gaming? Sounds serious, especially since the medical condition was inflicted as you mentioned .
Also sorry for being outside of this topic I would like to point out that I love your English. Are you native? If not show me your step by step of getting this good in fluency. I love it!
And tell me (us - whoever is reading that) something more about yourself if you dont mind. How old are you, what is your current situation (however you want to put it into words) in life and whatever else you want to share. Thank you for being here to put it in simple words.

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Also at this very moment outside of the box I would really like to shout out that I could not believe myself being off gaming and consistent enough to write here for so "long". Yeah, for me it is "long". I am thankful for opportunity to write here at this very moment

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4 hours ago, Stev1989PL said:

Finished day 13 >  77 days to go

"Marcin, in your life, when do you feel like walking barefeet on the grass in early morning?". I honestly replied that I have no idea as I was always chasing something whatever it was in my life. Always on the move, not time to spare, no time to hold on for few seconds and contemplate. However at this very moment being "clean" for 13 days I am starting to notice more and more those brief moments of the clarity, state of being aware of time, space, life and actually not giving fuck of whats coming up next!!!!
I really want to point that out here as it is like "holy shit moment" for me 🤯

 

Fuck yeah my dude! This is so good! This is presence and mindfulness--the opposite of escapism and distraction. I know exactly how you feel, and I've only just started really getting it and figuring out how to get it and why it's so damn important. It just brings this inner peace that I find I search for in games and the internet but never get. It's not easy, and it is fleeting, but practicing that via meditation has made it so much easier to reduce my internet time recently.

5 hours ago, Stev1989PL said:

 

@DaBestThanks for sharing and also being repetitive part of this journal bro. I really appreciate it! Would you mind sharing how long has it lasted for you? Being that deep into gaming? Sounds serious, especially since the medical condition was inflicted as you mentioned .
Also sorry for being outside of this topic I would like to point out that I love your English. Are you native? If not show me your step by step of getting this good in fluency. I love it!
And tell me (us - whoever is reading that) something more about yourself if you dont mind. How old are you, what is your current situation (however you want to put it into words) in life and whatever else you want to share. Thank you for being here to put it in simple words.

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Hey man, I like talking to you,  and I'm happy you're posting. I identify with a lot of what you write in your posts and find them to be good reminders for me to stay on the good path. 

Not sure what you mean by "it" in "how long it lasted," but I'm guessing you mean gaming urges and/or depression. For urges, they go down with time and the better you construct a life away from them, but they never really go away. That's why some science says you can never really "break" a habit, and instead you have to layer new habits on top of the old ones. Your habits are all there because they serve or served a major purpose at one point in your life. Say, for example (not saying this is you), someone games because they are lonely and don't want to feel bored/worthless/whatever. The gaming strips the negative emotion but doesn't fix the problem, so gaming will be harder (but not impossible) to move away from as long as that person feels lonely. If that person can make good friends and hobbies outside of gaming, the feeling of loneliness goes away, and the gaming dies down. I've found this to be very true in my case.

In terms of depression, I don't know, I'm still dealing with it, haha! If you assume depression is a pyscho-bio-social disease and not just one of the three, you are just going to have to experiment and really learn what puts you down the wrong path.  Just embrace and learn from the failures and keep getting back up. 

I love gaming because it makes me feel completely numb like a heroin addict when I don't want to feel anything. Back when I was a kid, that was really key to my survival. Now I'm an adult and don't need that anymore, yet the habit is still there. Though it was never a habit where you hear people buying diapers so they can game for 24 hours straight, or ordering pizza all the time so they didn't have to cook, my version was generally a time sink where I could kind of do the bare minimum and never reach my full potential, in school or socially.

About me? I'm a 100% pure red-white-and-blue American. 28 years old, engineer in the pharmaceutical industry. I'm glad you like my English, but I don't know about fluency in other languages since I don't have any others that I'm fluent in 😄  . Tim Ferriss and Scott H. Young have some really cool ideas on picking up new languages and achieving fluency. Right now, I'm just trying to get good at my new job, build up some new hobbies thanks to stupid Covid restrictions, and I'm honestly working pretty hard right now to be the best person I can be socially, physically, spiritually, and intellectually, because I'm tired of being some random dumbass who spends too much time on the internet and running from their own problems. The last bit I've been doing a lot better at recently.  So, yeah. 🙂 

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Finished day 14-15 >  75 days to go

Entry:
I have gone too hard on alcohol yesterday as well. Explained it to myself in such way that the rest of the whisky in the bottle should be emptied - as a keypoint of getting right back on track again. Kinda the same way as we tell ourselves "I'll start next week/I'll start from the beginning of new month or year". Little self-explaining lie that prolongs our dopamine injections (in this case alcohol). As usual in cases like as bonus I have neglected my training and diet. Basically I fcked up at one resolution I might fck the rest as well yeah? Thats what happened in those last 2 days. I didnt even realize that yesterday was 2week threshold completed - lost that consciousness and self-awareness which I wrote about. I feel ashamed in a way. The only sweetness in that bitterness is that I am still keeping myself away from gaming. I will also try to avoid other potential addiction sneaking up on me from behind in the sole purpose of filling the void after gaming.

@DaBestThanks to you I have checked that article you linked in you reply to Tim Ferris blog about learning languages. I appreciate it alot! In its comments' section I have also found reference to Busuu language learning portal and spent some time on it today learning English. Loved it! Might actually do it daily to check its effectiveness in learning. Also if you know any other resources apps/webs worth investing time into I'd be in your debt. Anything you might recommend as well?

Referring to what you shared bro I truly admire you and your story brings me super motivation to keep on going! Thank you for that! I also get a feeling like your experiences are kinda on similar side of the coin if I can put it like that. I relate to your insight a lot and fully agree with your logic in explanation of mental processes behind. Straight to the point! Let me know when you visit Poland, we could share a glass of good whisky if I succeed at those 90 respawn days 😄 

 

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Hey, glad you liked the links! Unfortunately, I cannot profess to be a language learning expert, especially since I haven't done it myself. I took 8 years of Spanish in school and all I can do in that is get myself to the bathroom and hospital. 

Keep going! You're doing great so far. Our experiences do seem similar. I'll take you up on that offer if I can ever get my ass over to Europe if and when they finally stop with this travel restriction nonsense, haha.

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Finished day 16 >  74 days to go

Entry:
Day went fine I guess, although on low energy levels. Had a session with my psychotherapist, I definitely need to start working from the office rather than from home. I lack focus, get easily distracted, spend time on anything but doing what I am supposed to do - which is learning new occupation responsibilities. I will have a weekly call with my boss tomorrow. I have a strange feeling it might not go so well in terms of my progress tracking.. Kinda deserve to get a smack on my hands to put it lightly. Anyway I dont have vibe to elaborate myself more today. Just wanted to cross out the next day.

@DaBestWell at least you have the necessities handled if needed be haha. I have the similar case with German, started over 3 times from scratch, elementary school, highschool and university. Since I have aversion to this language and I was forced to learn it, my tendency of forgetting was probably 10x times higher than in normal non-hostile approach. Whatever.

Good night! 

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Finished day 19 >  71 days to go

Entry:
Finally a day that went like a charm. Free day of any responsibilities and duties to anybody. I have spent it whole with my girlfriend, made her a suprise with pre-organised walk with alpaks nearby our location (she used to send me gifs/memes/insta posts with those animals pretty often so I got that idea). She was really suprised and so happy when we drove in to the farm gates and there were two alpaks standing behind the fence with our guide (I let her to belive we are just going to check new mountain route for trekking). I could feel her happiness and it worked on me instantly as well. We had a wonderful time there, had great guide that walked with us and told stories, shared lots of laugh. We both had our own alpak with their own unique temperament. Lovely and funny creatures to summarize!🤗

After that we headed straight to ice-bathing into local river at waterfall point (seen on my first picutre I have attached in my first entry here) and got back home for chilltime. We definitely got closer today. 

@DaBestCutting down on drinking, doesnt serve any purpose. Answering your question, I have started to learn Business English for better use at my work. Aside from that I have also started Udemy course on programming - just to see if it tickles my fancy - as the potential change of my careerpath. Additionally trying to get back to regular working out. I would also try to implement meditation as part of daily routine. Thanks for asking btw.

I am ending this entry with Santos, one of the alpak saying "hello" from our little adventure today to whomever might be reading this now. 
Goodnight.

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Finished day 20 >  70 days to go

Entry:

Writing from my mobile as I am too lazy to fire up my laptop (and it is late nonetheless). Still hard to motivate myself at work, my focus tends to wonder elsewhere. I'd say that checking gaming content while at work is still inprinted on my mind. I just check other things which I admit are more useful in life (eg learning language app) but still are not what they are supposed to be.. I need to work on that.

After work I went as a support for my gf at her doctor's appointment (nothing serious so probably if I was gaming I would disregard this). 

Additionally I spent approx 1h on my programming course. 

I feel satisfied about the day. I hope you are as well from yours my fellow companieros. Wish you goodnight

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