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My journey for a new life


Jason70

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Day 13: 

Word of the day: abaxial

Definition: away from the axis

 

No games today. Realized though that I am trying to force myself to do things that are more productive. For example, forcing myself to wake up at a certain time, work out only in the mornings. If something is too rigid, then I probably won't do it which will probably lead me to beating myself up. However, it can't be too flexible. I just need to be present with myself.

Thoughts during the day: thought my lack of doing productive things was depression, but turned out to be pushing myself too hard

 

Going to bed now, goodnight!

 

Jason

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9 hours ago, Jason70 said:

Realized though that I am trying to force myself to do things that are more productive. For example, forcing myself to wake up at a certain time, work out only in the mornings. If something is too rigid, then I probably won't do it which will probably lead me to beating myself up. However, it can't be too flexible. I just need to be present with myself.

I hit the same problem and you realized it way quicker than I did, grats on that. I'll be interested to hearing how you strike the balance

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Day 14: 

Word of the day: abet

Definition: help in wrongdoing 

Went easy on myself, tried not to force myself to do things, actually got done a lot more that way. I will try writing my journals earlier though so I can interact with you guys. 
 

Goodnight! 
 

Jason

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Day 15: 

Word of the day: aegis

Definition: protection; shield

Realized that while being flexible with myself and not forcing myself to do things is helping, i have felt like i am doing less and doing more on my phone. So i have decided, after some thinking that maybe forcing is the way. Like sure you don't want to force yourself but i feel like if i don't, things will never become habits which is the opposite of what I want. 
 

Anyway today was a pretty fine day, it snowed so I went outside today and snowboarded and sled for a bit, and i cleaned off my car. I then worked on some work. Besides writing i am very interested rn in the hieroglyphics, they have always seemed interesting to me and now I wanna learn them.

Also this came back to my mind: we have only one life to live. That statement, that fact always digs deep into my heart because on one hand I have wasted years of my life just in front of my screen and i don't want to be laying on my death bed thinking "damn i wasted my life." On the other hand I see this as relating to forcing myself, because then if I do things can become habits and i can work towards a life i am happy of. 
 

Anyway, I'm done with my ramblings for now, going to go straight to bed. I was going to watch a motivational video but that can wait until the morning. 
 

Goodnight everyone

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Day 0:

Yeah, I unfortunately relapsed already dammit...

I hate myself now for being an idiot and not telling my younger brother that I was on a detox and we couldnt play, fuck. 

It wasn't necessarily the gaming WE did that made me relapse, but it caused the relapse after. 

Quickly the brain fog came back and the urge came back to achieve more to play more to do whatever else more in video games. Shit

I just feel like a big fucking buffoon rn, because i could have told him, but no the opposite happened.

Anyway, Word of the day: Amicable

Definition: Friendly Peaceful

Hoping for a good day tomorrow cause today was not a good day. I managed to stay friendly after playing but the headaches and the sadness came back.

Just fuck man

 

Besides me i hope y'all are doing well

Jason

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20 hours ago, Jason70 said:

Day 0:

Yeah, I unfortunately relapsed already dammit...

I hate myself now for being an idiot and not telling my younger brother that I was on a detox and we couldnt play, fuck. 

It wasn't necessarily the gaming WE did that made me relapse, but it caused the relapse after. 

Quickly the brain fog came back and the urge came back to achieve more to play more to do whatever else more in video games. Shit

I just feel like a big fucking buffoon rn, because i could have told him, but no the opposite happened.

Anyway, Word of the day: Amicable

Definition: Friendly Peaceful

Hoping for a good day tomorrow cause today was not a good day. I managed to stay friendly after playing but the headaches and the sadness came back.

Just fuck man

 

Besides me i hope y'all are doing well

Jason

Hey Jason,

I'm just popping in to check on your diary. Maybe I can offer a few tips that you can relate to but everyone is different so just determine what works for you.

Self hate and regret are very real and I often did that when in a vicious cycle of gaming, quitting and relapse. Humans are very much imperfect and we make mistakes daily so it's okay to forgive yourself for what you have done. The past can't be changed but we can learn to forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes, then focus on what we CAN change, which is the future and our actions now, like getting back on the path.

I can imagine it would be even more difficult for you to quit considering that people in your household play games like your younger brother. I can only really suggest letting him know if you haven't already that you have quit games and to very bluntly reject any offer he has to play games with you. You can explain why you are choosing to quit games so that he better understands your situation and hopefully he respects that! I'm sure you can think of other ways to bond with him and you can suggest those things if he wants to spend time with you or vice versa.

In terms of the gaming friends you have, if the only topics you talk about with them are games, then it's probably time for you to decide whether to disassociate yourselves with them. It's what I had to do unfortunately and the only friends I continued to keep in contact with are those that we shared other similar interests in. Friends are there to support you and they come and go as we journey in life so you shouldn't feel bad if there comes a time when your interests and worldview starts to come into disagreement with your friends. I used to use the social aspect of gaming as an excuse to continue playing but there are many more communities out there in the world that you can join. For example, I am currently part of a Toastmasters club which is a public speaking club. This is an international organisation so hopefully there's one near you if you're interested.

Best of luck with your journey in quitting games!

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22 hours ago, Jason70 said:

I hate myself now for being an idiot and not telling my younger brother that I was on a detox and we couldnt play, fuck. 

 

I hope you'll be able to find healthy, non-gaming activities you can do with your younger brother that both of you enjoy. What did the two of you do before video games, or on days the power went out or when you went on camping trips? Sometimes, even just hanging out and doing nothing is fine.

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Thanks for all the advice @Bird By Birdand @Tabula rasanot sure how much it would have been helpful today but yeah

Day 0 (part 2):

Played again today, i am wondering if it was the right move to not play i know thats not a common thought on this community but when i played today i felt happy. idk maybe it was cause it was sucking me into its grasp but honestly i am not sure. One thing i am sure about is to stop wasting money. Like for a twitch stream i dont have to have the streamer notice me or anything. Anyways though questioning because even though I played I still had a productive day. Idk let me know what you all think

Please I need some input

Jason

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On 12/20/2020 at 4:33 PM, Jason70 said:

Thanks for all the advice @Bird By Birdand @Tabula rasanot sure how much it would have been helpful today but yeah

Day 0 (part 2):

Played again today, i am wondering if it was the right move to not play i know thats not a common thought on this community but when i played today i felt happy. idk maybe it was cause it was sucking me into its grasp but honestly i am not sure. One thing i am sure about is to stop wasting money. Like for a twitch stream i dont have to have the streamer notice me or anything. Anyways though questioning because even though I played I still had a productive day. Idk let me know what you all think

Please I need some input

Jason

Hey Jason,

You have come onto this forum because at a certain point in your life, you questioned whether quitting games is right for you and that realisation is the first step. It really has to come from you, whether you think that you'd be better off without games or not. No one will be able to make this decision for you except yourself as is with most things in life.

What are your priorities and goals, especially long term ones if any? Does gaming contribute towards them?

The more questions you ask yourself, the better.

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On 12/18/2020 at 4:42 AM, Jason70 said:

Day 15: 

Word of the day: aegis

Definition: protection; shield

Realized that while being flexible with myself and not forcing myself to do things is helping, i have felt like i am doing less and doing more on my phone. So i have decided, after some thinking that maybe forcing is the way. Like sure you don't want to force yourself but i feel like if i don't, things will never become habits which is the opposite of what I want. 
 

Anyway today was a pretty fine day, it snowed so I went outside today and snowboarded and sled for a bit, and i cleaned off my car. I then worked on some work. Besides writing i am very interested rn in the hieroglyphics, they have always seemed interesting to me and now I wanna learn them.

Also this came back to my mind: we have only one life to live. That statement, that fact always digs deep into my heart because on one hand I have wasted years of my life just in front of my screen and i don't want to be laying on my death bed thinking "damn i wasted my life." On the other hand I see this as relating to forcing myself, because then if I do things can become habits and i can work towards a life i am happy of. 
 

Anyway, I'm done with my ramblings for now, going to go straight to bed. I was going to watch a motivational video but that can wait until the morning. 
 

Goodnight everyone

Hey, I keep drifting into peoples journals and wanting to input, but always feeling like I have nothing worthwhile to say. Then I remembered how nice it is to just have that interaction with others when people comment on my thoughts, so fuck it if I’m not being useful, lol. 
I struggle too when trying to strike that balance between forcing myself to do stuff but then the overwhelming guilt when I don’t achieve everything I set out to do, so I go easier on myself and then I get nothing done. In therapy once I was introduced to the idea of the child brain and adult brain, or parent brain. It was back when I struggled with an binge eating disorder, and basically I was giving my child brain too much free reign, and not engaging my parent brain, but then if the parent brain kicks in and is too strict the child brain rebels.. so something like that. I remember I found it really interesting and helpful at the time. 
 

It’s really cool that you snowboard, I’ve always wanted to give that a go but I expect I’d be terrible at it haha. I used to love skating and ice skating, tho I haven’t done it for years now.

I also try and remind myself that we only have one life.. it’s cheesy but I have a tattoo on my forearm with ‘memento mori’ and ‘carpe diem’, basically remember death and seize the day.. one in my handwriting and one in my mums, it’s good for a reminder 🙂 


Also, your relapse. On my last detox I got around 70 days in and fell off the wagon. I never really got back on and I’ve been gaming since, that was 2 years ago. Finally I’m having thoughts again around quitting, but like you I often come back to how much I enjoy it, I question if I really do want to give them up. I get it, it’s tough, on the one hand I love games and I don’t wanna quit, on the other hand I want to live the life I imagine for myself and that just doesn’t seem possible so long as I waste so much time on games, netflix, youtube etc etc. In an ideal world I would have productive days and a few hours per week to do those things, but I know full well now that I have an issue with moderation. For me it really is all or nothing. I dunno how helpful that might be, but I guess just know you’re not the only one on the forum who still games/is questioning if they want to give up. But yeah, like @Tabula rasasaid, you came here for a reason, as did I, so it’s definitely worth giving it some thought.

I hope you had a good Christmas.

 

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  • 1 month later...

Day 1

I'm back, I played games ever since the 20th. I am starting this detox again, I noticed that when I play games I get instant brain fog, irritation and I lose a bunch of energy.

The last few months were some of the worst months of my life because I was gaming. I noticed though that they are the cause of negative emotions but aren't the solution for handling them. 
 

I also learned that if I want to quit, I have to invest time into it. I can't just sit on the couch and watch netflix. 
 

Lastly I learned through it that I control my body; my actions, my thoughts, I control me, so I can do this. Additionally I don't have to be doing something big to be happy, happiness comes in any size.

 

It's time once again to kick gaming's ass out of my life. 
 

Wish me luck

Jason 

 

 

Also @Tabula rasa and @Buggthanks so much for your support and advice. You're right, I came on here for a reason, because games were taking over my life. I do myself justice for following through with this. I saw a video on YouTube where the message was to finish what I've started. And it's time to finish this detox. 
 

Hope you are both doing well

Jason

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Day 1 

 

Day 1 was successful. I didn't even think about games! There is not much to report today, although it felt amazing despite not getting three things off my to do list done. But I read 2 chapters of my book, I got a load of college work done, I wrote about past summer travels, I worked out, I took pictures outside and took in the sunshine and I socialized with neighbors. Felt really productive for the first time in forever, and it was 20 times better than talking with virtual people like with discord or in video games! 
 

All I can do now is hope for a successful day 2 

Best 

Jason

 

PN: Here are some of the pictures I took today!

 

They were just in my driveway and on my street but reminded me that even just locally nature is beautiful 

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C7D31183-6233-446C-96D3-2EB6475B55CB.jpeg

BF4DCFDD-F2F2-403A-932E-D6D8D1EDADB5.jpeg

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Day 2 

Day 2 is not over for me but I have to mention this.

I'm not going to even think about games to solve this. But I mean what's the point of trying to gain happiness in this climate when you legit can't do crap. I have tried using the other hobbies I have chosen to at least get some improvement in my mood but it hasn't happened. I am honestly just pissed off at life at this point. Everything seems just like a constant cycle of not only boredom but depression, for everyone living today. Each day is essentially the same for me. I wake up, attend online college classes (it's been online since the start of the year and we aren't allowed to go on campus, so I'm forced to stay home), do whatever homework I have, and then I have a few hours left for me. The issue is by the time I've finished my homework I'm a zombie, cause everything is online now. FOR FUCKS SAKE EVERYTHING IS FUCKING ONLINE NOW. I know due to the worlds circumstances we have to be online but my professors couldn't take time to just put a pdf of the work online and let us print it out instead of making us do this whole god damn test online as "homework," like what the fuck? That's going to make even the really enthusiastic kids depressed. I feel trapped, isolated with this pandemic, at least before covid I could go some place and see a bit of the world (i wasted most of that though with games) but now the only thing I can go do is the park nearby which I've been to over a million times. But even then I don't feel motivated at all to even try to find a new place to drive to as literally every professor at my college is piling on work like it's fucking normal, they have paid no attention that students need to have chances to relax and not have a 60 page essay that's riding down their ass. It's been a hellish situation, I just want out, I just want to explore, I just want to be free. Nothing right now is helping towards that goal. So all I have to say is fuck online learning, fuck Covid-19, fuck the world, just FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. 
 

Additionally, I realize this is all coming from my second day but this is genuinely how I feel right now, I legit am stuck I can't do shit right now. 

 

Jason

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Hi, I know the pandemic sucks, but we can do so many things on the internet.

You said you want to explore, you can watch so many parts of the world on youtube for example : a country, a city, nature (mountains, beaches, forests, animals, etc.)

You can search almost anything on the internet, on wikipedia for example.

The only problem, is to know what to search ^^ You could make a list of what you want to explore or learn.

When I'm bored, I listened to some music and I do some tasks, or just surfing a bit on the internet (not too long).

You could try to listen to epic musics, like Two Steps From Hell

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Thank you for your comment @Martinof it made me feel better and shifted my mindset to more positive thoughts/options. The thing is you're right, while it's not fun to use these screens all the time, we can still use it to our advantage, just make sure that we do non screen activities to balance it out. I guess what I experienced earlier was just past anger from games and anger for being stuck in a house for almost a year. Truth is we can still explore the world (like you said on youtube) and socialize with people via zoom. Again just need to make sure we don't use it too much.

Day 2 

Here is my real journal for day 2. 
 

I didn't resort to games, but I got nothing done, and I am tired because of screens. Besides being disappointed by this, it's expected, it's only my second day I have 88 days to go, and will probably have better days ahead of me. The things I did get done is I went on a walk, I drank water and I completed my first successful day of no meat. Improving my nutrition is something I wanted to do, and I always wanted to be a vegetarian, for health reasons and ethical reasons. Although I ate lots of cake today (finished the last slices of 2) I am glad that I put in time to make a healthy lunch and know it will get better now that the sweets are gone! 😂

Anyways although it wasn't the day I hoped for, I know that God will help guide me through this journey and I will have better days. Furthermore, today showed me habits I don't want to develop. Here is for a better day 3!

Best 

Jason 

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Hey I'm trying to fix my diet to. I'm just trying to eat sandwiches instead of microwaveable food. I think the frozen food is not doing my body good. It just doesn't feel good. I hope vegetarianism goes well for you. I couldn't give up meat all the times I tried. It just made me too tired.

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7 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

Hey I'm trying to fix my diet to. I'm just trying to eat sandwiches instead of microwaveable food. I think the frozen food is not doing my body good. It just doesn't feel good. I hope vegetarianism goes well for you. I couldn't give up meat all the times I tried. It just made me too tired.

Thank you! I hope it goes well! The only problem is I tend to lean towards getting anemic so I need to intake TWICE as much iron as i would have with a single piece of steak. I hope you're able to fix your diet as well.

Day 3

Writing my journal now so I don't write this at 11 PM like I have been doing. I really need to fix my sleep, it's been an issue. Had some cravings today but they weren't too bad, I also had some cravings to use discord but I was able to stop myself. This morning started off bad, because I got out of bed slowly and had to quickly brush my teeth and make a breakfast before my first college class. This is one of the reasons I want to fix my sleep schedule so I feel energized in the morning and not still laying in bed sleeping when it's past the time I want to wake up. Trying to aim for 6 AM so when spring comes I can watch the sunrise. Besides that I was able to finish my project for my next sociology class next tuesday and I laid in the snow, just enjoying my time. Before starting this journal I have been researching on phones, and how that impacts your brain, I realized through my last attempt at this detox I would just replace games with my phone. I found a ton of stuff, and it has motivated me to try and cut back on it too. I wasn't sure what the best amount of days would be to be away from my phone but I assumed 65 days - somewhere around there. I know you guys have told others before that focusing on too many things at once is exhausting and difficult but I feel like since games and phones, and the issues they cause are so similar I might be able to overcome both. The articles have also inspired me to take a step further and work towards speaking to teens at the high school I used to go to about it. I don't know what it's like now there, but when I was there, everyone had their phones out all the time, including me. Hopefully with this I can help others out, cliche as it sounds. I'm tired and have a headache, but I am going to drink some water and try to power through the rest of my to do list. I hope I can get a good nights sleep tonight - aiming for 10 PM. 

BTW I am 3 days clean of games, I have 87 more to go. 

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Woah. Eating a lot of iron sounds like some special consideratoins have to be taken. I have a messed up stomach I think from all the years I spent being an alcoholic. So I can't eat spicy food or like almost all food except food I and my mom cook basically. Almost all places I eat out at or eat at friends houses gives me bad stomach aches. You and Realworlder are both working on the sleep schedule I see. What will you replace games and phone with>? I ended up watching Netflix exercise and meditate.

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Day 4 

(Day 1 of Phone detox)

 

Hmm.... Day 4, I got a lot of things done, I was productive and all, only went on youtube for 30 minutes, which was a big improvement, I also had a reason to, I wanted to learn the choreography from a music video I liked. I still don't know have of it lol! However, this went to mindless browsing. The games were great, none of them and no watching game content. The phone however was a different story

Although I managed to get through day 1, I noticed I had a big urge for that stimulation of checking out whats on twitter or instagram, or just looking at my phone. I managed to be able to go through the day but I had the urge to check the phone still. I also noticed that music, is also stimulation for me. Although music is better than games, I have been listening to music A LOT more these past few months and I think gave me that same short-term happy feeling when i was down or sad. And today when I had the urges I noticed when I went to practice the choreography, My mind went up from being, "ugh I need to consume something". So yeah day one was tough but I know it will get easier

Again while I was productive, I don't know I don't feel satisfied, it's not like games were good or anything, far from it, but I had this sense today, that I want to live my life to the fullest and for me when I thought that, I thought of outdoors, and camping, hiking, backpacking, exploring nature. It's not like the pandemic has made me down I can't do that but just today for some reason, even though I was super productive, I felt like a worry that I am going to die without being fulfilled. Idk it's weird I might do some research on it.

Hope you all had a good day

Best 

Jason

 

@TheNewMe2.0I was thinking for games replacing them with exercise, reading, and I want to do rock climbing at my local rock climbing place, but there are so many Covid cases in my town, so I am a little hesitant. Don't want to get the virus. For my phone I have no idea, originally I was doing photography, but I don't have a normal camera I could still do it with so. I'll have to look into this!

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Those all sound like good ideas. Yeah the virus is more present in those crowded places. Photography would be cool too. I like getting out in nature too. Going for a hike is always nice. When I'm feeling depressed or anxious I try to exercise and or meditate. That usually helps me feel better. So even if I am anxious at least I'm healthy too.

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Day 5

(Day 2 of phone detox)

 

Day 5 went like a dream. Didn't play any games at all, didn't even think about it. For my phone was a dream too, I had a few urges here and there but they weren't as bad. The reason I didn't have any issues today is because I decided to just go and camp for the entire day. I had fun. Only downside was it was really cold, and now I am really tired after but it was fun. With this and while praying to God, I think I found what makes me feel like I am living my life to the fullest and that's just being in nature. So I'll start doing this more instead of wasting the morning away in bed. Anyway, I am really tired so I wont respond to any journals tonight.

But have a good night everyone!

Best 

Jason

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Day 6 

(Day 3 of phone detox)

 

Today I spent a lot of time watching useless content on youtube. Not on my phone but on my computer. None of it was games though. Despite this I still got a lot done. I drove to pick up my pre-ordered take out, I exercised twice and I actually drank water, I also got more college work done. Played no games and didnt go on my phone. Phone urges are decreasing. 

Decided I want to have a morning routine. So waking up, showering making my bed, teeth brushing that stuff, like look presentable, but then my morning routine would be God, and gratefulness and exercise, then my day. I also decided on some new hobbies. These include stopmotion and language learning and yoga and meditation. I will obviously add these one at a time. and I watched Cam's video saying I shouldn't just add hobbies for filling time, I should have a goal with them. With stop motion my goal is to tell an over-arching story in chapters, like a book but through film, and I would want this to send a positive message I need to think of the idea first. Foreign language learning is an obvious. Learn a language so I can go to the country and learn more about the culture and communicate with locals easier. Yoga and meditation is to destress myself from the day and connect with myself and be present because throughout the day I can get pretty stressed.

Decided today I need to stop giving my life 50% I need to give it 200- no 300%, so that's what I will start doing.

I will start replying to journals again tomorrow, I am just writing this before bed, and i want to sleep (tired again) so sorry lol

Best 

Jason

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Day 7 

(Day 4 of Phone detox)

Well, today wasn't the day I hoped for. My classes today were cut short due to snow near the campus and at my home so I didn't have to log on to my afternoon classes. Instead of continuing with my schedule though, I spent the rest of the day on youtube (on computer), listening to music (on computer), and napping. By my computer I mean my mac laptop, ( not my gaming computer which I vowed to not use during this detox). Usually I associate work and productivity with my laptop but it turns out it can be as just a big of a distraction. 

Despite this, I forgive myself for today, it was my first day of at least trying to give my life 300% and it backfired, this is expected. And it's like Michael Jordan said

"I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed"

You will fail over and over again before you get it, but that's what made the greats so great because in the face of failure they didn't give up, and thats what I hope to do.

On a more positive note however, I did exercise, start my laundry, woke up at 5, and finished a puzzle and I reached one week of no games or game content! I hope this number keeps increasing!

One thing though is I keep having dreams about games, not me playing but just events i made up about the games that dont actually happen in the game. But dreams are normal in the beginning. 

Here is hope for a better day 8!

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Day 8 

(Day 5 of Phone detox)

 

Today was very similar to yesterday unfortunately so I wont talk much but I will remind myself here, that I can and I will do this! I will start giving my life 300%, it just takes time. Sure watching youtube all day seems 'fun' but it doesnt benefit us! It's time I start following through.

I have been writing lists, but I want to see what its like when I dont write a to do list. I know it could cause me to not do anything but let's see. 

Best 

Jason

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Day 9

(Day 6 of Phone detox)

Not writing a schedule surprisingly worked well! Although today was a bit boring as it was just me working on college work, but it was better than games! I woke up a bit late today so maybe thats why I got finished with work late. More reasons to keep working on my sleep schedule! I have also decided on a "work hard/first, play later" mentality. I am tired of procrastinating. Procrastination wont get anything done so its time to stop expecting it will. Time to stop the excuses!

Hope you all had a good day

Best 

Jason

 

P.S. will write journals earlier so I can respond to journals.

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