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In With The New - A Journal


Average_Guy

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Day 10, August 24

Hello All, 

A while back I had a journal here where I attempted and failed to quit video games.  I relapsed for about 14 or 15 months.  It's hard to believe it's been that long, but thank God it's behind me.  I learned one thing from it, I am not strong and we can be broken beyond comprehension.  During this time I had extreme chronic fatigue, deep depression, liver issues, adrenal fatigue, and a respiratory virus, along with the fact that I couldn't find a doctor who knew how to fix my issues.  At the time, video games felt like a necessary evil in order for me to get through the pain of each day with no hope in sight.  In hindsight, I think I did what I had to do to get through that grim situation.  However, now that I have finally found a doctor who's helping and curing me, I have learned that I am capable of enduring so much more than I thought; My bandwidth for how much I can tolerate has not only doubled, but tripled.  

Today is my 10th day that I have been free from video games and video game related content.  Every single day I have had grief and sadness for most of the first couple hours I'm awake.  I've been using 'time blocking' to help keep me busy and this has allowed me to stay pretty busy every day.  It's a way to battle and plan for the future because I know I can't trust my wavering willpower day to day.  Just wanted to say hello and that I'm starting up again, hopefully I won't have another health crisis like my last one for decades to come.  But for now, out with the old, in with the new.  Time to beat this addiction and reclaim a new, more happy and fulfilling life.

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Day 11, August 25

Just touched down in Florida.  I’ll be here for 6 or 7 days.  Should be pretty easy to not game considering I don’t have a computer, but I’d like to keep working on creating good habits.

Currently about to reread a summary of The Power of Habits.  Hopefully I’ll gain some insight from that.

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Day 13, August 27

I’ve been vegetarian almost 3 months now, and I’ve just figured out that I need to balance out my macronutrients better.  I would eat giant meals and still not be full. I think sometimes people don’t realize how good animal protein is at nourishing the body.  
 

I’ve only been a vegetarian because I have too much iron in my system and this is a way to help the body detox.  
 

I’ve also been trying to overcome a porn addiction.  It’s crazy how something as small as looking at Instagram can spike dopamine in your brain and create massive urges.  I’ve made a rule to only briefly look at Instagram when I make a post and I didn’t follow that rule for less than a minute and it almost led to a full blown relapse.  Luckily I didn’t relapse, but it’s scary that that can happen.

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18 minutes ago, AbjurationWizard said:

Hey man! 

 

Welcome back. Great to see your newfound effort and your health turning better. How are you nowadays? Do you still have intense removal symptoms?

 

 

Thank you. 🙂

Doing pretty good today.  Honestly, I still think about gaming daily.  But the withdrawal symptoms aren’t near as bad as they were.  Eventually when I go back to college this winter, I’ll be busier and having more fun “hopefully” so I’ll rarely think about it.  That’s the plan at least.

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Day 15, August 29

Just finished Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  I’ve always been drawn to castles, wars, weapons, and magical stories.  I remember in the 2nd grade I had two creative classmates and we were always drawing castles, architecture, dinosaurs and dragons.

Ever since I started gaming at 11 or 12 I’ve been wired to consume other people’s stories and fantasy worlds, most prominently through computer games.  And I still want to run back to those comfortable games where I was already the hero.

Anyways, I read an email today from my alma mater on how a women has fought sex trafficking and was able to watch a girls life be rescued and healed before her eyes.  It was just a small Op-Ed, but this story probably took over a decade to create.  

All this to say, I want to live my own story.  I want to create my own worlds, my own hero’s, a feeling that’s been stifled for so long.  Whether it’s through drawing, music, or writing, I’m not sure yet.  But, this is want I want from life, a life of creation not consumption. 

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Hi! I recognize myself in quit a bit of your symptoms;  chronic fatigue, deep depression, adrenal fatigue. Good to hear; u see some hope in your current treatment.  

It's hard when feeling like this the whole time and there seems no escape. One thing is sure though;  gaming won't accomplish anything to chase your dreams. I

Good luck and all the best!

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Day 17, August 31

Just got back in town from FL.  I was able to be pretty productive and stick to my schedule, but I am having a bout of depression.  Depression has been one of my triggers for gaming because it was something I couldn't escape.  I think the grief I had the first couple weeks was just a precursor of this depression; I'm not sure how long it will last.  I was able to keep it at bay when I was out of town, but it feels pretty overwhelming right now.

Instead of gaming though, I hopped on my exercise bike and rode for a little while watching Netflix.  But I am feeling very weak and vulnerable at the moment.  It doesn't help that the depression makes everyday tasks 10x harder to do.

@C_tail Thanks for the comment.  I'm sure you know better than anyone how hard it is to fight addiction while fighting to heal your body.

@AbjurationWizard For starters I've been into architecture recently, so I'd like to go back to school and finish that.  But, I would like to attempt writing some fantasy essays.  If I enjoy it enough, maybe I could attempt something bigger like a book.  I've also enjoyed drawing and sometimes even painting, so those could be outlets for the fantasy world that I enjoy so much.  I'll probably upload some art someday.

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10 hours ago, Average_Guy said:

Day 17, August 31

Just got back in town from FL.  I was able to be pretty productive and stick to my schedule, but I am having a bout of depression.  Depression has been one of my triggers for gaming because it was something I couldn't escape.  I think the grief I had the first couple weeks was just a precursor of this depression; I'm not sure how long it will last.  I was able to keep it at bay when I was out of town, but it feels pretty overwhelming right now.

Instead of gaming though, I hopped on my exercise bike and rode for a little while watching Netflix.  But I am feeling very weak and vulnerable at the moment.  It doesn't help that the depression makes everyday tasks 10x harder to do.

@C_tail Thanks for the comment.  I'm sure you know better than anyone how hard it is to fight addiction while fighting to heal your body.

@AbjurationWizard For starters I've been into architecture recently, so I'd like to go back to school and finish that.  But, I would like to attempt writing some fantasy essays.  If I enjoy it enough, maybe I could attempt something bigger like a book.  I've also enjoyed drawing and sometimes even painting, so those could be outlets for the fantasy world that I enjoy so much.  I'll probably upload some art someday.

Depression is a though one and I can only begin to imagine what getting off games and not relieving depression might feel like. I had suicidal thoughts, although no actual intention to commit to them before I stopped gaming. After just 2-3 weeks after quitting the thoughts evaporated. I was getting somewhere in life, and that always felt good. 

If you can see a therapist, or maybe a doctor for medication, you might want to consider that option. If not, exercise, diet and sleep will be your best bet. A bonus point for meditation. 

 

Stay strong! 

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Day 18, September 1

Thanks again for the comments, the support is helpful.  I felt like I didn't have any willpower left last night.  I hopped on discord and messaged an old friend I quit Runescape with.  We chatted and I looked at some old Osrs (Oldschool Runescape) Youtube videos for a few hours.  I also texted another friend that I used to play Osrs with.  We all quit around the same time and both of them are doing really good right now.  I talked about how I was struggling a bit, and that felt decent to get off my chest I think.  I wanted to play just a bit, but more than anything I just wanted to escape the depression.  I didn't give in though, and I plan to keep fighting this.  I think one of the most important qualities as an adult male is the ability to endure adversity and not run from pain like I have for so long.  Yesterday's fight was definitely a step in the right direction. 

I'm not sure what's sparked this inner resilience, but I just feel like I can't game anymore, I won't do that to myself, I don't need it anymore.  Above almost all else is the fact that gaming is inextricably connected to PMO for me.  Nothing makes me more frustrated, depressed, and halts almost all individual progress like PMO these days.  I think that's the biggest reason I won't go back to gaming.  I hate PMO.

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Day 19, September 2

Relapsed to PMO.  I continued to look at video games videos and eventually wandered to Instagram or something.  I wrote it all down in my journal last night.  The cue, craving, response, and reward from it all.  But, one thought has been going through my mind all day, and it's frustrating and kind of a victim-hood mentality, but the depression is driving me crazy.  I was essentially free from video games for 3 or 4 years in total.  I quit playing runescape in high school and it wasn't until I became very sick that I started playing again, as an escape.  I have never been a depressed person in my life, I was always happy, optimistic, social, even through tougher challenges.  When I look back at when I became very sick, I didn't realize how deeply depressed I was because I had never experienced it before.  Not even the type of depression that comes from life not going your way, but a dark depression that stemmed from the depths of a body that was no longer functioning correctly.  A depression that completely immobilized both my mind and energy.  I'm just exhausted.

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18 minutes ago, Average_Guy said:

Day 19, September 2

Relapsed to PMO.  I continued to look at video games videos and eventually wandered to Instagram or something.  I wrote it all down in my journal last night.  The cue, craving, response, and reward from it all.  But, one thought has been going through my mind all day, and it's frustrating and kind of a victim-hood mentality, but the depression is driving me crazy.  I was essentially free from video games for 3 or 4 years in total.  I quit playing runescape in high school and it wasn't until I became very sick that I started playing again, as an escape.  I have never been a depressed person in my life, I was always happy, optimistic, social, even through tougher challenges.  When I look back at when I became very sick, I didn't realize how deeply depressed I was because I had never experienced it before.  Not even the type of depression that comes from life not going your way, but a dark depression that stemmed from the depths of a body that was no longer functioning correctly.  A depression that completely immobilized both my mind and energy.  I'm just exhausted.

Porn is so difficult to quit. I've found myself unable to quit and can barely go 2 weeks. I went 3 weeks once but I was just masturbating instead and had better fantasies. It felt the same. 

I think as humans we need sleep, food, water, and sex to survive because those are our natural urges from a scientific perspective. Social media and video games aren't natural urges and can be replaced. That's why food and sex addictions are harder to quit. 

It's about moderation and control with those and for me I don't think it's possible to quit porn without sex. I was able to watch it less than twice per week when I was flirting with women. 

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September 4,

A few days ago I caved to the depression and gamed.  I can endure a lot of pain, but depression is something I just can't endure without help.  

I just wanted to make a quick update, but I don't feel like going into all the details.  It just felt like my options were limited.  Even when I don't game all I can do for the most part is watch Netflix cause of the chronic fatigue, etc.  And if I game, at least I can pass the time faster til my doctor is able to get me fully well.

@BooksandTrees You're completely right, porn is so much harder than quitting gaming, but I think for gaming can sometimes to a part of the issue for some people because you're constantly on a computer and the dopamine.

However, I don't think it's impossible.  I think industrialization, while it has been good in some ways, it has also made civilization worse.  Think about it, having a small computer (iPhone) on you at all times has it's benefits, but there are also tons of downsides.  

If you take technology completely out of the equation, nofap would be extremely easy and come naturally.  Whenever I'm able to live my life again, I think the best course of action is to try and live with the absolute minimum amount of technology possible.  Maybe you can gleam something good from my ramblings. 🙂

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If you're trying to go porn free, have you heard of the PornFree podcast? The host has been pornfree for several years now and looks into why we find it addictive and how to overcome the urges (and/or distract yourself). It is very valuable! I enjoy listening to hearing why we can get addicted and apply that to my issues with digital media, so it's not just for porn addicts.

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September 8, 

@Erik2.0 I’m sorry to hear that, I know firsthand how tough it is.  I’ve been going to a nutrition response tester (a type of chiropractic) and it’s been helping immensely.  If you’re looking for a doctor to heal you, this is what I would suggest.  It has helped me so much in the last 8 months.  I’m just one of the most chronic cases she’s ever seen.

In other news, I’ve still been gaming, but I know it’s not what I want to be doing.  I’m just in this limbo, exhausted, and if it’s either Netflix or gaming, gaming at least makes the time go by faster.

I have a huge Dr. appointment on the 17th. We’re getting a Heart Rate Oscillating type test done, not expensive, and it’ll give a better picture of what supplements my weaker organs need.  I’m not getting my hopes up, but it might make my progress a bit faster.  

I don't need perfect health to be able to quit gaming or be a better version of myself, but it seems like I'm fighting the wind when I have these particular health issues.  I'd really like to be able to work out hard and lift again, I haven't been able to do that for 4 or 5 years.  I might be able to by winter though, that would be a game changer.

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My fatigue comes from taking risperdal for my schizoaffective disorder. I don't believe there's any curing it. I can't go off the meds or I become suicidal. So I'm stuck with it. Sounds like things might be looking up for your fatigue though so that's good. Don't beat yourself up over gaming. Quit when you're ready to. I found watching cams videos to help me want to quit.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sept 17, 

Finally had the big doctors appointment that I've been waiting for almost a month to go to.  We figured out a supplement that's very light but helpful to my adrenals because every time I do any physical exercise, my adrenals spike and I get super stress and fatigue.  This probably isn't something that happens often on this site, and I hope I'm not triggering anyone by saying this.  But I think gaming was the right move.  I'm almost too tired to try and explain everything, but because of some fires in Oregon I can't get the medication I need at the moment, so it might be over a month of waiting again.  But I'm fine, I've gotten through 6 years where my symptoms were much worse, I can do another few months.

One thing that has helped immensely with PMO has been to completely rule out my cell phone, which has always been a convenient way to get a hit of dopamine from every notification or endless scroll.  I highly advise watching The Social Dilemma.  That's all I have for now, mentally.  Waiting on a little improvement in my health so I can start up my life again.

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