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How I’m quitting Overwatch


WhoCares
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Not going to tell you what 'to do' / 'not to do', but just know that the feeling of loneliness wont go away by playing games. I'm dealing with the same stuff, and it's really hard. The little moments like this can be a chance to show character and strength. I wish you nothing but the best, and I'll continue to support your journey no matter what. We're both getting through this. 

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It was a mistake. Now I hate myself. I've never felt so depressed in my life. This is good. I want to associate Overwatch only with bad memories. It was painful, but I succeed. Аfter gaming I have suicidal thoughts, but I think it's fine.  Probably I should have done it much earlier, but I deleted my Battle.net account.  

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8 hours ago, Band_to_the_Bone said:

Not going to tell you what 'to do' / 'not to do', but just know that the feeling of loneliness wont go away by playing games. I'm dealing with the same stuff, and it's really hard. The little moments like this can be a chance to show character and strength. I wish you nothing but the best, and I'll continue to support your journey no matter what. We're both getting through this. 

Can't thank you enough in this difficult time. I think I'm too weak to quit cold turkey from first try. But no matter what I won't give up, I hate what games do to me. At this point it can't be changed.

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Day 0. Done a bit of homework, cooked food. Didn’t workout. It was a weird day, I played all night and uninstalled at 8 AM, then slept till 1 PM. I was a bit tired, so didn’t do much, but I’m still satisfied with the amount of homework I managed to do.

I’m ready to talk about what happened last night. Since my willpower isn’t strong enough to stay out of games, I experimented with another way of keeping myself from Overwatch. Almost every time I relapsed was because I remembered good moments I had in the game, so... I decided to change it. If you know, Overwatch is a team based shooter, so everyone relies on each other. And if someone is playing poorly, all team can lose. I played normally for 6 hours or so, I was already exhausted and wanted to stop. But I forced myself going, so I started playing worse and not enjoying the game. And last few games I decided to “throw” (play badly on purpose), since my rank is high and players usually want to win, they started to blame, insult me. But I kept playing. After last game my teammate told me to kill myself, I was so depressed that I had suicidal thoughts. Now I hate Overwatch so much, can’t even think about it. 
 

I know it is bad ruining games for other players, especially when they care about winning, but for them it costs 25 rating points, for me it costs my future. Maybe I’m an egoist, but I think it’s not a big loss.

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Playing badly on purpose was an interesting strategy. Even if you find yourself in the middle of a relapse you can still choose to deliberately fight it and I think that is a noble thing. Hopefully, you have enough negative memories and you won't have to use that strategy ever again. Any strategy that gives you suicidal thoughts is risky and dangerous to keep using.

I used a similar pavlovian strategy to associate video games with bad experiences and bad people and wanting to throw up. The difference is that it makes me think they are assholes and scum and I am healthy for keeping away from them. My strategy makes me feel better about myself.

Edited by Bird By Bird
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Day 1. I was on modern art exhibition that was literally in the middle of the forest. It took almost all day, so I didn’t do anything useful. I think I’m ready to start meditating and I have one very interesting thing related to that. I’ll share it soon. 

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Mate, nobody said this path was easy. Discipline is hard and uncomfortable. The path is littered with people who tried but failed. These forums are littered with people who relapsed, or half finished journals from people who walked away because it was too hard, and would rather accept the comfort of where they are now than keep putting themselves outside of their comfort zone.

I relapsed at day 22 of my first detox. I felt horrible about it. But the second attempt was so much easier, as I knew why I was doing it and had a much steelier resolve. Once you get past the days in the twenties, I found it so much easier, the urges stopped, the new habits or hobbies or routine really took hold, and you can start enjoying your new life.

Don't be hard on yourself. Rather, sit down and reflect upon what you learn from each relapse. Can you see what the triggers are that you can't resist? What is putting you over the edge? Why are you seeking the escapism or in your case, the sociable aspect of the game? Is there another way you can fulfill that? Write it all down. Keep it somewhere where you usually are or have easy access to when you're feeling vulnerable or about to relapse. For me, I keep it on my desktop of my computer. Then when it starts to get too much, read your notes. Add to it. Meditate (or run) on it, then re-attack your day.

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On 9/20/2020 at 10:05 PM, giblets said:

Mate, nobody said this path was easy. Discipline is hard and uncomfortable. The path is littered with people who tried but failed. These forums are littered with people who relapsed, or half finished journals from people who walked away because it was too hard, and would rather accept the comfort of where they are now than keep putting themselves outside of their comfort zone.

I relapsed at day 22 of my first detox. I felt horrible about it. But the second attempt was so much easier, as I knew why I was doing it and had a much steelier resolve. Once you get past the days in the twenties, I found it so much easier, the urges stopped, the new habits or hobbies or routine really took hold, and you can start enjoying your new life.

Don't be hard on yourself. Rather, sit down and reflect upon what you learn from each relapse. Can you see what the triggers are that you can't resist? What is putting you over the edge? Why are you seeking the escapism or in your case, the sociable aspect of the game? Is there another way you can fulfill that? Write it all down. Keep it somewhere where you usually are or have easy access to when you're feeling vulnerable or about to relapse. For me, I keep it on my desktop of my computer. Then when it starts to get too much, read your notes. Add to it. Meditate (or run) on it, then re-attack your day.

Yeah, it’s hard indeed. Thank you for your suggestion. I’ve already found answers to all these questions. Still can’t figure out how to start moving forward, I can’t get out of my comfort zone. It feels like I’m waiting for something that never gonna happen. I am aware that if I continue living like this nothing’s gonna be better. At this point I’m too lazy to even try.

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5 hours ago, WhoCares said:

Day 3. Procrastinated all day. I am disappointed in myself.

Remember, it's the beginning, beginnings are never easy and you'll face setbacks and you'll want to hate yourself for it. But again it's the beginning so instead of hating yourself and beating yourself up for it, you can thoughtfully acknowledge that things like procrastination will happen. It won't be easy, later on it will get better.

And like @YasnoSolnishko said not playing games even if you did nothing else should be viewed as an accomplishment and a step in the right direction.

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7 hours ago, YasnoSolnishko said:

Don't be so harsh to yourself. If you procrastinated, then you needed it.

Concentrate on the bright side. You didn't play games. And it's an accomplishment for that particular day. 

 

6 hours ago, royal panda said:

Remember, it's the beginning, beginnings are never easy and you'll face setbacks and you'll want to hate yourself for it. But again it's the beginning so instead of hating yourself and beating yourself up for it, you can thoughtfully acknowledge that things like procrastination will happen. It won't be easy, later on it will get better.

And like @YasnoSolnishko said not playing games even if you did nothing else should be viewed as an accomplishment and a step in the right direction.

Thank you guys. You’re right, I should see positive side of things as well.

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Day 4. Did I do what I planned? No and it makes me sad. But I’ll try to mention good things either. I tried meditating and I liked it, hope I’ll repeat it tomorrow. I went to the mall with my cousin and had a good time. I am cooking a bit every day. I don’t cook everything in my plan, but at least I’m consistent. I reinstalled my Linux system and adjusted it. 

It’s not that much, but it’s something to start with. I have anxiety a couple of times a day. It’s because I need to study, prepare for exams and university, but instead I’m procrastinating everyday. I had some urges to play today, but the pain from last relapse holds me back. If I would relapse one more time I would have a mental breakdown for sure. 

Some people here are writing what they are grateful for. I guess I’m grateful that I’m trying. 

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The remembering pain is a good antidote to nostalgia. Red eyes, cramped muscles, strained back, shivering fingers, sore wrists and lost opportunities are all wounds that remind us of what has happened and what we are supposed to be doing now.

 

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Day 5. My gaming 144 Hz monitor has been taken away by my brother to his place. There's no way I can play Overwatch on my 60 Hz monitor. My Blizzard account is in deleting process. I have trauma from my last Overwatch session.  Now I can say for sure: no matter what I'll do, Overwatch is in the past. Forever. 

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Day 6. I am getting better. Today was a good day, finally I can say it. I realized that waking up early is important, I have much more energy and motivation. Even if I sleep less. But normal alarms don’t work on me, I just turn them off and continue sleeping. But now I found a great app called Alarmy that is actually able to wake me up. So, instead of having normal button to disable it, I need to solve 3 math problems. Problems are very easy, but it’s enough to make my brain work. 

I woke up, meditated, made breakfast and went skating in the park. When I came back, I ate lunch and did my English homework. After that I cooked dinner, did my workout and chores.

That’s still not close to be ideal day, I could’ve done much more, but it’s a solid start. I’ll try to keep it for now, I need to be consistent. Then I’ll slowly add more tasks/make them longer. So my load will increase with time. When I plan too much, I am just too unmotivated to start and then ending up procrastinating all day. 

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56 minutes ago, WhoCares said:

Day 6. I am getting better. Today was a good day, finally I can say it. I realized that waking up early is important, I have much more energy and motivation. Even if I sleep less. But normal alarms don’t work on me, I just turn them off and continue sleeping. But now I found a great app called Alarmy that is actually able to wake me up. So, instead of having normal button to disable it, I need to solve 3 math problems. Problems are very easy, but it’s enough to make my brain work. 

I woke up, meditated, made breakfast and went skating in the park. When I came back, I ate lunch and did my English homework. After that I cooked dinner, did my workout and chores.

That’s still not close to be ideal day, I could’ve done much more, but it’s a solid start. I’ll try to keep it for now, I need to be consistent. Then I’ll slowly add more tasks/make them longer. So my load will increase with time. When I plan too much, I am just too unmotivated to start and then ending up procrastinating all day. 

You're gonna be in this weird phase of life for a few months of beating yourself up for not having the ideal daily structure, but also strive to reach all these daily goals. I was there years ago and things sort of just fall into place through all the effort you put in. Just keep rolling with it and learn to be grateful for the things you did and not resentful for the things you wish you did. I think that's the big part.

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21 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

You're gonna be in this weird phase of life for a few months of beating yourself up for not having the ideal daily structure, but also strive to reach all these daily goals. I was there years ago and things sort of just fall into place through all the effort you put in. Just keep rolling with it and learn to be grateful for the things you did and not resentful for the things you wish you did. I think that's the big part.

Thank you. It’s nice to have an advice from person with experience, you are really helping me and other people on this forum.

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Day 7. So I’m past one week. Today I fell ill, just regular cold tho. I wasn’t productive because of it, spent in my bed almost all day. But I still managed to workout and cook healthy meal. So it’s not that bad. 

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14 hours ago, Haymitch said:

Wow, I read your first post so far and although I didn't smash any laptop with hammer I can relate a lot to your story.

I’m glad you found my story relatable. About laptop.. yeah, I fell very low while playing video games. But I disassembled that laptop and used working parts separately, so it wasn’t a waste. 

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