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illi

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Hi,

So there's three reasons why I want to start this journal.

First, I used to be a hardcore gamer, the type to go to school, not give a shit for 6-8 hours, come back home, and game until 10-12pm, then go to sleep and do that again, every single day. Didn't care about anything, feels like I didn't even participate in life until I was 15/16. Now I've recently turned 21, so my journey has already been going for a while, and has taken me great places and I know that I could never go back to how I was then. That's not to say I'm over it.

That brings me to my second reason, which is a lot of unresolved thoughts. Like many of the people on here I'm sure, gaming was a way to escape a life you didn't think was worth living. Whether that was due to fear, anxiety, whatever, gaming was the only refuge, only place to hide and escape the raging and maddening thoughts bouncing around in your head. That's what I feel, at least. I constantly try to address my thoughts and feelings and understand them, so that I can better manage them. I find that the best way to do that is by writing.

The third reason, which may even be the most important, is that I am really bad at being consistent. People say (and I agree), that consistency is the most important in life. I can never and have never done anything consistently. This relates to everything I do in life, even gaming. I'm hoping that writing in this journal can become the first thing in my life that I have done, of my own unforced will, consistently, daily, for more than a couple days at a time. 

I guess this is just an introductory post, so there's not much more left to say. If I'm going to be doing this for days to come, I don't want to throw everything out at once. I have never been a patient person, so to stop writing is a real challenge.

 

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I actually have another user - @dirac - to thank for this journal. When I landed on this site my attention was brought immediately to your name, because I also study physics. I jumped straight to your thread. Reading your entries allowed me to relate a lot and eventually inspired me to write my own. So, thank you. 

As I've already mentioned, I'm a very inconsistent and obsessive person. Yesterday, after writing the first entry, I went to ride my bike for a few hours and was completely unable to get rid of thoughts about what I'd write next. Sentences, whole paragraphs kept forming in my head, but I knew that I couldn't go back and make another entry, as that would just be feeding my obsessive nature, which leads me to focus intensively on something for a day or two, and eventually get driven mad and have to throw it away. I'm trying my best to fit my posts to a more uniform length, although I'm sure there's going to be days where writing just a single sentence will be a pain. Also, as much as yesterday I felt a strong need to express my thoughts on here, today that need seems to have been satisfied. That is obviously just an illusion, and satisfaction can only come after a longer period of time. 

Now I haven't actually talked at all yet about my gaming addiction. Currently clean for 2 weeks or so, I never game for longer than a couple of days in a row (that's not great either). Still, it's not how often you game, it's that you game at all, that is wrong. Having that backup plan of playing video games makes you unable to appreciate the rest of life and drains you of ambition, dreams, passion. You don't feel the need to strive for anything in life, if you feel that the ultimate goal, the ultimate form of life is right at your disposal. I think I'm at a stage where I can try to quit completely. 

I started to see that gaming was wrong around 16. I didn't want to be bottom of my class and so I had to start studying. I wanted to, and I guess that's when I first realised that gaming wouldn't get me anywhere in the long term. I've never tried to detox totally - or I've tried, but not hard enough. I've actually never even called my gaming an addiction, never looked at it that way, but I think considering the grip it has on me it would be safe to call it that. I've had periods where I didn't game at all - if I'm out of town, or busy doing stuff, I never feel the urge to game. It's when I get back home, and find myself with nothing to do, that I suddenly can't seem to do anything else. Never had any other pastimes or extracurricular activities - guess that can be put down to my parents not getting involved. A common picture for me was (and still is) waking up on a weekend and spending all day not doing anything, procrastinating, unable to do anything cool or productive. Spend all day trying to avoid gaming only to end up so tired and mad that I eventually go play in the evening/afternoon. The key question here - what is the right course of action? Should I sit all day with my thoughts and think them through and analyse them for as long as needed until I find a solution and get some internal relief, or should I get out of the house as fast as possible and look for something else to do? The second option seems to work, although isn't that still escapism? 

I guess the biggest idea to be had here is that you can't escape an addiction or depression alone. Correct me if I'm wrong. I can safely say, that I wouldn't be where I am now (in the good sense), if not for other people - a girlfriend, and some high school friends, to be specific. While I have never sought direct help, interacting with them gave me experiences and observations which I was able to use to develop my own behaviour and worldview. And yet gaming, which was by far the biggest part of my life, was never a topic I'd take up. I'm sure that some of my friends play video games, but I have always been too ashamed to talk about what I do. I saw a comparison on this forum (I think) between drugs and video games, saying that while a story-based single-player game is a glass of wine in the evening, a PvP multiplayer online game was like shooting heroin behind a dumpster. I guess I never made that connection, but it fits well with my experiences. I have never been able to play single-player games, couldn't finish one to save my life. Only hardcore online games. Always played alone, never had any real life friends who I'd play with. The goal, I guess, was to just get as braindead as possible. And so there I was (am), a schoolboy by day, talking to people, acting all normal, a heroin addict by evening. A strongly dualist nature. My friendships have never been close or deep - they had no right to, since as soon as school ended, my social self ceased to exist. As soon as I got home, I morphed into the addict who wanted to stay out of the light. This is why joining this forum is such a wonderful thing - perhaps the only opportunity in my life to converse with my gamer alter-ego, to bring him out of the darkness, to rinse him of the shame, in the hopes of eventually being able to find peace and morph into a more homogenous human. I'm not in a place yet where I can imagine what that would feel like. Still, being able to talk about gaming is a huge leap forward. No addiction can be left behind with no outside help whatsoever. While this isn't a proper dialogue, I'm obviously very interested in what you and others have to say. 

@Erik2.0, @BooksandTrees, thank you for the kind welcome. Glad to be part of a community of people as miserable as I am. 

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17 hours ago, illi said:

he goal, I guess, was to just get as braindead as possible.

I felt the exact same way in college when all I did was smoke weed, game and watch porn. I was just trying to lobotomize myself. I wanted to be totally switched off and not think or feel. Of course I probably had schizoaffective disorder unmedicated at the time which I think contributed to wanting to try to switch my brain off with weed. Of course that didn't work and a decade later I'm on pharmaceuticals that work better than substances did. Interesting post. I can identify a lot with how you felt and what you went through.

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Hey @Erik2.0, thanks a lot for the reply. How are you doing now? How did you manage to get out of what you were feeling? It's certainly interesting to me what you mentioned as I've never actually sought any professional help or even gone to any sort of doctor to get diagnosed - up until recently, I think I never acknowledged the problem that I had. I'll certainly consider it for the future, as what I'm writing about are my experiences both past and present. Mostly what I feel at the time of writing, supplemented with everything that I've felt in the past that relates somehow. 

As for my journal entry, I don't have much to say today as I'm tired and it's late. I've been feeling extremely shaky for the past few days, but I have spent very little time playing video games (zero), watching Netflix, doing social media, etc. So I guess that's a success, even though I don't feel like I've succeeded with anything. I'm happy to still be on track for daily posts. It's only day three, but I'm going to try my hardest not to give up for any reason. I hope I figure out a way to get better. 

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It's great that you're staying off games. It's a big victory and will add up to make a difference in your life. I'm doing better now. I live with my mom and I'm on medications that help me stay calm. I don't get upset as much as I used to and rarely have episodes where I feel suicidal. Medication has it's downsides though. It's making me gain weight and sleep 11 hours a day. I wonder about reducing it further, but the anxiety and delusions I get when I lower dosage can be intense sometimes. I'll think things are attacking me from other places far away and I'm doomed and might as well give up on life when I'm really in the delusional state. I don't get like that lately though probably because the meds. Thanks for asking.

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Thanks for the insight. I'm rooting for you.

I actually don't have much to say for my journal today either, had a pretty average day, but most importantly I'm going out of town for a few days so I'm going to have to freeze this journal for a few days but I promise I'll get back to writing soon. 

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Hi illi, Im glad to hear that my journal inspired you a little. When I read your post from the 5th of August I saw that your history with gaming seems similar to mine. If you kept up your streak you should be clean about 3 weeks by now, thats amazing! Cant remember the last time I made it that long. 

I burst out laughing when I read  while a story-based single-player game is a glass of wine in the evening, a PvP multiplayer online game was like shooting heroin behind a dumpster.

I can relate to that so hard. I also played single-player games quite some time but it always felt way more chill and I would only play them while I enjoyed them. I never got mad at them or anything else. But with the hardcore online games (dota for me) I played for hours even though I sometimes hated every minute of it but I just couldnt stop. 

Towards the end you asked the following question: "Should I sit all day with my thoughts and think them through and analyse them for as long as needed until I find a solution and get some internal relief, or should I get out of the house as fast as possible and look for something else to do? The second option seems to work, although isn't that still escapism? "

I dont know about your inner voice but I consider myself mentally stable and more or less resilient and if I would do the first option I am sure I would end up gaming sooner or later because if you do have a problem with gaming your mind will find a way to talk you back into it. I believe that addiction is a level above thinking and can thus not be conquered by it. So better be outside as much as possible or be as busy as possible with other things. Its mostly about filling the void that gaming will leave. If you like those hardcore competitive online games, maybe you should get into a competitive sport? And if you have a need to escape in something maybe try painting? 

I can really recommend the Respawn guide from @Cam Adair hes also going well into detail about how to quit gaming the right way and I believe his approach is the best way to go.

Good luck on your journey!

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@Illi

There is an important realization in your post. I waited a year on this forum to read it. You have expressed it clearly and concisely: obsessive nature. How can this be fought?

I am almost settled on writing something on the wall of my bedroom “Don't dare dream about changing the world before you are finished with your daily tasks”

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Hi, 

I'm back and will try to resume posting daily.

I don't know if mobile games count, but I played a bit of a game that's close to my real life interests (called True Surf) so I don't really consider it gaming. And yet just playing it for a little bit gave me such a big relief, that I know only video games can provide for me. I am currently on vacation so I'm struggling with the amount of free time I have on my hands. Normally I'd just spend it all on gaming, and not think twice about it. This time, however, I know that gaming is the one thing I can't do, and so I'm very overwhelmed with the amount of free time I have. I feel like I should spend it doing stuff I enjoy, or productively, or whatever, but I can't seem to invest myself in anything, can't seem to focus on anything. Just today I got up around 11am and have basically spent my entire day (about 7,5h until now) sitting on the couch, walking around the house, completely lost. Now and then an idea pops into my head, like, let's go ride a bike. But then for some reason I convince myself that it would be pointless. I also tried studying a bit, but was unable to focus. I feel like I'm only able to focus/be productive when I feel like I absolutely HAVE to do it. But I guess I want to have more control over my life than just throwing myself into situations that force me to do things. 

Thank you @dirac for the reply, you brought up some points that are very important and that have never occurred to me as such. The idea that addiction can't be solved by thought in particular is new to me and lies in contrast to what I've always believed, but I feel like you're right. I often wish I could get rid of a lot of thoughts crowding my brain. There is a huge void left in my life, as you said. I find it hard to convince myself to do something, but I guess it's because, as you said, your inner addict will try to put you in a situation where you can't do anything but game. I'll read the journal you recommended and hopefully I'll keep posting to my own. It's a great tool to gather yourself on days like today, and a way to keep myself responsible for keeping up the streak. I think that it'll start to get really challenging once I get back to university and have studying to do, since as I mentioned above gaming is the only thing that gives me consistent relief and without it I am struggling to focus. Because of this I am afraid that once the semester is underway I'll end up feeling compelled to game in order to be able to perform and study well enough. 

What to do? 

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On 8/16/2020 at 12:38 PM, Amphibian220 said:

@Illi

There is an important realization in your post. I waited a year on this forum to read it. You have expressed it clearly and concisely: obsessive nature. How can this be fought?

I am almost settled on writing something on the wall of my bedroom “Don't dare dream about changing the world before you are finished with your daily tasks”

That is a question that I also ask myself. Currently am struggling with smoking, I guess as an alternative vice to gaming. I have literally 2 cigarettes left in my pack, and I know I won't buy another one once this one is done, but I don't want to smoke the two I have left, as my lungs are hurting and I don't feel like it would be a pleasure. And yet I feel this constant urge to smoke them. I think that in my case this is connected to a deeply rooted lack of respect/love for myself. It's almost as if I have to smoke them, because if I just threw them away I wouldn't feel bad, I would feel okay, good, happy, and that is something that I feel like I shouldn't be granting myself. This likely also relates to gaming obsession and any others you may have.

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Today was a pretty good day I guess.

I played basketball for 2 hours which I enjoyed a lot, then read for 2 more, and the rest of the day was spent okay, but not that great. Overall I was happy with myself but on good days like this I encounter a problem - once I start a day well, I feel this pressure to keep it up, to do more and more 'productive' things, as if I thought that since I was able to do it once, I'm able to do it infinitely more times. In fact, this pressure makes me unable to focus on anything and just really wears me out mentally. I guess once I'm able to do one thing successfully I suddenly start thinking subconsciously that I can do everything and that seems so enticing, that I suddenly start putting this pressure on myself, thinking about what to do to maximise my productivity etc.; I wish I could get rid of it and just be satisfied with what I've done and what I'm doing, but I have no idea how to do it!

Tomorrow I'll go swimming in the morning. (I realise it's a bit fishy during the pandemic, but eh). I find that it's really important for me to start my day by getting out of the house, if I stay in I just end up rotting inside. So from now on I'll try to start every day with a physical activity, like running, swimming, basketball, whatever. I have always thought of myself as physically able, quick, agile, good in sports in general, but that was back when I was in high school, back then I had PE classes as well as playing ball with friends more or less regularly. Back then I'd find myself exhausted, my body a wreck, but not due to a lack of activity, but due to not giving my body enough time to regenerate between activities. That ended with me entering university, and during this semester in particular I reached an absolute zero in terms of sports. I guess I believe in physical fitness as being necessary for mental health, so I will try to get back in shape. Also, I love basketball. 

 

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Last two daily entries didn't appear, because I got home late. I saw a movie yesterday, where one of the characters was a drug addict, and I sort of related to him and the movie got me thinking. It's been a really tough week, I haven't had any peace, I was constantly tense, and there basically was no pleasure in my life, all of that because I decided I would try to live like a 'normal person'. I'm not going to give up obviously, but I really hope I'm able to find what I had before, in this new way of living. That's all I want. 

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So my productivity hasn't been especially high for the last few days, buuuut I'm not playing any video games and I'm feeling pretty good during the days, so I think I'm okay. I guess the one thing to be careful about is watching netflix/youtube and browsing social media. I haven't been doing that tooooo much, but I guess I could try to cut back. I feel like I'm really on a good path here, like I'm actually developing and going in a good direction. That makes all of the struggles worth it, I guess it's just a question of belief. I also find that it's useful to write down a plan for the next day, just so I don't run out of ideas of what to do, that's when I find it hard to come up with anything.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

@illi I am glad to see you doing well! Reading your entries from the past weeks definitely makes me feel like you are growing in terms of your struggles.

I also plan my days in advance, always the night before. Im doing that for several reasons. First I know that gaming is my go to activity when I am bored, so by having a list of tasks to follow I can minimize boredom and idleness. Of course it doesnt always work out like that because some tasks take much less/more time than anticipated but in the end its still worth it. Another reason why I plan my day in advance is because it enables me to know when I can relax and not feel like I have to be productive.

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