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Dpesuti’s journal


Dpesuti

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Today is day 6 of 90 for me. I learned about respawn last Friday and I just purchased it yesterday, but I haven’t played games since friday. I’ll do a journal for days 1-5 in this post.

 

Day 1: I live with my parents and they don’t allow me to play video games, but I have a smartphone, so it’s easy to just download a game and play it without anyone knowing. I had already quit games for a time, so today I started to get emotional, not only for games but also because I couldn’t spend time with my friends because of The pandemic, and this lead me to want to play a game.

so I downloaded the game, played for about an hour, and then deleted it, thus destroying all of my progress In it. It was then that I started to realize why I played video games, it was to avoid stress and negative feelings. I had never realized that before. I knew that games helped me recover after a stressful day, but I had never thought that I was escaping my feelings.

So I went to google and researched how to stop avoiding those things and I hit a breakthrough. From my research, I learned to let my emotions come and go instead of just avoiding them. This not only stopped my desire to play games in that instant, but also made me more aware of my emotions and I became more capable of expressing them in the last five days.

However, I needed more information, so I dug further, and typed “I play games to escape my feelings,” and found an article made by a member of this community. This breakthrough was exponentially larger than the first, for obvious reasons. However, I didn’t purchase respawn until yesterday, June 28.
 

Day 2: I joined my congregation meeting on Zoom, and part of what we discussed was how to be grateful for the things that God gave us, such as the earth, our brain, and the Bible, which was very encouraging.

after the meeting, I got in my parents pool. Swimming is one of my favorite exercising methods, and I’m often the last one out of the pool. I could spend hours swimming.

My parents were craving for sushi, so I took them to a sushi restaurant they’ve never been to and they loved it. My friends a I used to come here occasionally. Then I took them to an ice cream place they had never been to, which they also liked.

Before we went home, we stopped at a hobby lobby and I picked up a “paint by numbers” set. As soon as I got home, I spent until 1 AM painting and then went to bed.

Day 3: I had no desire to play games today. we watched a video from jw.org. The video is part of a series of videos that are taking the place of our regional conventions that we normally have each year because of the pandemic That took half of the day.

Then I helped dad with the yard and he grilled some pork chops for dinner, which were delicious.
 

Day 4 was ok. I went into town to get away from home. No matter where I live, I hate where I live and I have to go out to feel better, and games help me escape my negative feelings while I’m at home. I feel like the reason why I hate home is because of some traumatic experiences that I had during my childhood over the course of ten years. My family moved twice over those ten years, so my mind attached that trauma to wherever I live, but my parents house, where I live now, is especially drenched in these memories.

Going out to town made me feel better, and I came back in the afternoon and painted. Not much happened. However, in the evening I started to have cravings, even after painting. I think I was just bored then, since it didn’t come with any negative emotions.

Day 5 was pretty much the same, I went out and got caught in a storm as I was picking up pizza for dinner. Even when I got home I ended up having to wait 30 minutes at the end of our driveway for the storm to pass before I could open our metal gate, which is connected to miles of metal fencing wire.

As for day 6, I’ve been sitting here all morning in the game quitters forum so far. I’ve been working on my windows 10 certification, and my plan is the work on that this afternoon. Right now I have no cravings.

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Welcome to the community! I see a lot of familiar things in your opening post. I used to hate wherever I lived too and like you recognized it was usually because of things I didn't want to either deal with or change. I have always had pretty negative parents. I try not to say they're bad parents because they do their best, but they've certainly created a lot of trauma in me, haha.

And I'm totally jealous that you got sushi. The restaurants around me are all still closed for the most part.

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23 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Welcome to the community! I see a lot of familiar things in your opening post. I used to hate wherever I lived too and like you recognized it was usually because of things I didn't want to either deal with or change. I have always had pretty negative parents. I try not to say they're bad parents because they do their best, but they've certainly created a lot of trauma in me, haha.

And I'm totally jealous that you got sushi. The restaurants around me are all still closed for the most part.

Thanks @ceponatia,

Yeah, I really can’t talk about that time much because my parents have changed so much for the better and I don’t want to dishonor them by ruining their rep. All I can talk about is what relates to my gaming addiction. They didn’t know I was addicted to games and they treated me like a rebel, which made me need games even more, so they are partially at fault for what I’m going through now.

yeah, the sushi place we went to has an all-you-can-eat special for $19. It’s better when you go there in big groups so you can try all of the flavors. 

Edited by Dpesuti
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Day 7: spent the day picking up the house and I’m out in town right now. I posted a thread in the ask the community section regarding an issue that I had today with my mom. I got in the pool for about 2.5 hours because I wanted to play games and I was upset at her. I’m finding swimming to be a good way to escape from stress. 
I was still upset when I got out, but I didn’t have any more cravings. That’s why I went out, I just didn’t want to speak to her at all, and still don’t. I hope Dad is home when I get back. 

Painted this evening for a few hours, which helped me feel better.

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Day 8: It’s 11AM, This morning was great, spent about an hour watching bob ross on YouTube and right now I’m on my way into town. No cravings yet.

Finally got some good brushes, paper, and acrylic paints. Still need to finish the paint by numbers kits have, and I have a reward waiting for when I do. 
 

No urges today so far.

Edited by Dpesuti
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Day 9: 

Feeling moody today. I went to town.
Listened to some music and got lunch. Feeling better. I really need to get a job, that’s what held my routine together. Now I’m lost. Sure it’s Saturday, but without a job, the days are really starting to blend together. 

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This entry is for days 10 and 11. I thought today, Monday, was day 10 until I saw that my last post was for day 9 on Saturday.

Day 10: we set down in the morning and watched parts 5 and 6 of the regional convention series that’s on jw.org. Then we went out to do some shopping. We came home and I didn’t feel good so I went to bed early. 
 

It’s noon on day 11 and I’ve been cleaning up our house. Not much has happened today.

Edit: Hurricane Isaias came later this day. I spent this evening trying to paint but I was having trouble making anything at all. Acrylic painting is very hard. My brain fog didn’t help either. I got very angry at painting and wanted to throw everything in the trash. I managed to calm myself down last night though. Still not sure what to do with painting. I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall.

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Day 12: the hurricane is gone. I haven’t really done much at all today but look in this forum. I write a big reply to a post about mental fog today. I thought of games a little today, but no serious urges today.

Why do I want to quit games: I want to have a life and a routine that I can control. I want to get rid of the mental fog, exhaustion from getting 4-5 hours of sleep every night because of games, going to bed worrying if I’ll wake In time for work tomorrow even with multiple alarms set, and the loneliness that comes when you push you’re friends away. I want to have a happy life, and that’s not going to happen while I’m addicted to games.

why I payed games: for an escape from my negative feelings and because I have an obsession with organizing things.

what triggers me to play games: stress, guilt for past mistakes, boredom, loneliness, a newly released sequel to a game that I loved, gaming youtube videos

Edited by Dpesuti
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Welcome to the forums. I haven't been as active as normal, but I welcome you and think you're off to a good start. Be patient and definitely feel free to speak in other journals etc. I'm not sure if you did this yet, but something that helped me quit was writing down why I want to quit games, why I play games, and what triggers me to play games. It really helped modfiy my daily schedule.

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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Welcome to the forums. I haven't been as active as normal, but I welcome you and think you're off to a good start. Be patient and definitely feel free to speak in other journals etc. I'm not sure if you did this yet, but something that helped me quit was writing down why I want to quit games, why I play games, and what triggers me to play games. It really helped modfiy my daily schedule.

Thanks for the welcome and advice, I’ll definitely give that a try.

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Day 13: Going out to town today. It’s 10:30 am now. Will edit this post later with more info.

Things I’m grateful for: my car, restaurants that let me chill for an hour or so and work on my phone, department stores.

Why I want to quit games: I wouldn’t be able to go to town very often if I played them. I would have more time to think about other people and my feelings wouldn’t be so dull

why do I play games: because I want to be a part of a community, but my cravings for better highs force me to frequently leave the game and look elsewhere.

what triggered my cravings today: i saw a gaming video on my YouTube homepage that I could’ve watched, but instead I hit the not interested button. That makes videos from that person appear less frequent on your home section.

 

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Day 14: I think I’m spending too much time on here. I need to focus on my life and getting a job. I’ll still write my daily journals and respond to messages, but I really need to focus on other things in order to get my life going again.

Nothing major happened today yet. I haven’t had cravings today either, but it’s 12:46 PM. I’m just trying to study for my Windows 10 exam and it’s been hard to concentrate on it. I’m also having trouble keeping to a routine, since I keep forgetting to do certain things. 
 

What I’m grateful for today: my car, subway restaurant, my mom, having a place to live.

why I want to quit games: because I’ll be able to think clearer and have a strong routine.

why I play games: to escape the guilt of my own incompetence.

What triggered my cravings today: nothing so far.
 

 

 

 

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Day 15: I got to talk with my friends this morning on zoom. It’s good to be able to keep in touch even during the pandemic. In the evening I went out.

 I had several minor drives to play games today, but those were triggered by seeing images that reminded me of them.

what I’m grateful for today: my friends, zoom.

why I want to quit games: I’ll develop stronger relationships with my friends.

Why I play games: because the process of building something from the ground up is Very fun, especially when you have a good friend with you.

What triggered me to play games today: I saw a picture that had black cubes in it and it reminded me of Solid fuel from Factorio. In fact, I also think of Factorio every time I think of power lines, malls, trains, pollution, etc. I loved that game, and still do. It’s just so sad that I’ll never be able to play that game again. But I can’t, or else I’ll never find true enjoyment in life.

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3 hours ago, Dpesuti said:

I saw a picture that had black cubes in it and it reminded me of Solid fuel from Factorio. In fact, I also think of Factorio every time I think of power lines, malls, trains, pollution, etc. I loved that game, and still do. It’s just so sad that I’ll never be able to play that game again. But I can’t, or else I’ll never find true enjoyment in life

Could this be something to fuel a new hobby like 3d modeling or even a new career with engineering or municipal planning?

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Sorry guys, a lot has happened I. The last 5 days and I haven’t been able to post it. I can say that I haven’t played games though. I’m now on day 20, well, in 30 minutes I will be. I’ll try to post the journals when I wake up tomorrow.

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