Getting My Life Back

[Kananesgi]

I've never posted anything online, nor have I ever considered making a journal. But lately I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I desire to be as a person. I'm 19 so I'm still pretty young and inexperienced, people always told me its okay to not know what you wanna be. I can't help but being a little anxious about my future. Everyday I would just play video games and watch YouTube and just let time pass waiting for something to happen. I didn't have a nice childhood, full of loss, bulling, and neglect from family and friends. It was a tough and lonely time so I turned to video games, video games always gave me a sense of purpose, the game told you what you had to do and you'd do it, so I got hooked. Growing up from a child to early teenage years was even more of a pain in the butt, dealing with even more bullies in high school and also dealing with emotional abuse from my mother. So I skipped school and stayed in my room playing video games. My depression got worse, and my addiction got worse. I'm a Native-American so we get money from the tribe called Per Cap. Of course I blew my money on stupid things that I'll never use. My mother would always make me feel like a bad guy for having $20,000 and not sharing it with her.

So I gave most of my money to her and I blew the rest on video games and buying microtransactions for free to play games. People who were on the roll for Per Cap were originally suppose to get around $200,000 when you turn 18 but the tribe thought it'd be better to only give them around $15,000-$20,000 I can't remember what exactly the numbers were but it was somewhere around there. A year ago I thought it was stupid, but thank god they decided to do that because who knows what other stupid things I would've bought if I did get the whole thing. College was a pain too, my grades were really bad I had to withdraw 4 classes so I wouldn't get a F for it. I would ignore homework and projects to play video games because I felt really stressed and depressed. I wasn't very well educated and my skills in English and Math were poor so starting introduction classes for them were rough and I always felt like I was the dumbest kid in the class because I would always call the teacher for help.

I thought life couldn't get worse, well guess what it did. The Coronavirus hit making me feel even more isolated, the one thing I enjoyed about college was getting away from my mother. Now I had to stay home and finish my homework, projects, and deal with her constant abuse. I swear it felt enough to drive me crazy so I played video games all day and all night, my sleep schedule was all over the place, I started to gain more weight and I felt worthless as a person. But I've been talking to some mother and father figures in my life and they've helped me a great deal and always wanting me to improve and always supporting. I've been working on trying to understand me the whole summer, just self reflecting of what I can be and how I can change for the better. I was always angry and sensitive so I didn't have many friends growing up because I always lashed out on them, now I'm more calm and collected than I've ever been in my life. But now I have the biggest obstacle I'll ever face and that is trying to end my video game addiction. Its going to a long and hard journey but if I can deal with the many other obstacles I've faced in life I'm very confident I can get through this. I'm sorry if I rambled too much about my life story, but holding in that kind of of stuff really hurts and talking about it on here really helps get the weight off my shoulders and make people understand why I have a video game addiction. Anyways this is my introduction, I don't think I'll use the daily journal option on the forums I like my privacy and feel a lot more comfortable using my own journal that I own. Maybe in the future I could give you guys an update if your interested to hear it, until then I'm on the road to a better me. 

Edited July 22, 2020 by Kananesgi