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Sick, tired, and bored of gaming! So I'm quitting.


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Another relapse dream. I was on the stupid game I chose to relapse with and then I was hit with this feeling of "god this is such a waste of time why am I even doing this this wasn't worth throwing away my clean time over" and I felt so incredibly disappointed and sad. But I also knew I'd learn from the mistake and not repeat it.

Woke up feeling very grateful that it was just a dream.

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Today is day 74 of the detox but even more importantly...

Today is 90(!) days of no self-injury. No hitting, no cutting, no scratching, no biting, etc.

I have been cutting since I was 12 and hitting myself since even before that. I haven't cut myself in a few years now but I've still been hitting myself on the head when I get angry, which is actually worse honestly. I hit myself VERY hard, like I beat the shit out of myself. But for 90 days now I have not done it.

Unfortunately it is extremely easy to relapse on self-injury... My fists are always attached to my body. More effort has to be expended to relapse on gaming or drugs, but I can relapse on self-injury at a moment's notice.

So in my opinion, my very sceptical opinion that doesn't even really believe in such things, this is a fucking miracle.

When I get the urge to hit myself I do any or all of these things:

Literally sit on my hands, vocally express how much I want to hurt myself, growl, yell, scream, curse, cry, punch a pillow or anything else soft that won't actually hurt me, rub and push on my forehead in the spot where I'd hit myself the most (it gets this "itchy" feeling), inhale quickly and deeply and then exhale slowly and forcefully, bite something other than myself, journal, take a shower, or simply "ride the wave" of emotion.

It is extremely hard. I struggle against this urge almost every single day. I struggle with this urge nearly every time I am angry, especially towards myself. Some of my listed coping mechanisms are not ideal, but currently I am so desperate to simply not hurt myself that I'll take what I can get.

Literally just writing all of this down and thinking about self injury is triggering me lol. Sometimes when I talk about how good I'm doing it pisses me off and makes me want to beat myself. I once did in front of one of my therapists, how upsetting and embarrassing.

I have to be a good example for my daughter, I cannot continue this behavior. It may even be a life or death situation, I may have given myself brain damage from all the years of self-abuse (I'm not kidding, I've slammed my head into walls.) and should not risk sustaining any more. I stopped because I got scared of some day accidentally giving myself a brain bleed and dying in front of my child.

I pray to a higher power I'm not even sure I believe in and I sit on my fucking hands.

Frankly, if I can get 90 days of no self-injury, you can go 90 days without gaming.

 

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Congrats on the success! 

You know as I grow up, I begin to appreciate my parents for the little things they do: little tidying here and there, asking me how I'm doing, teaching me how to peel fruits and etc. Then I realize that all those things together create the greatest thing for my chilhood: STABILITY.

I guarantee you, whatever you do now, no matter how small, even if you fail, it all amounts to being there for your kid and your family. And it is worth celebrating. Especially all the sitting on your hand stuffs.

So yeah, congrats!

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Grats on your progress!

Is there any way to keep track of days on the site? I remember reading about some challenge when I first heard about Game Quitters but I can't seem to find anything about it now.

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My wife started playing Hitman and I sometimes watch her play (because we're in the same room and human eyes are drawn to movement) unfortunately it seems I am actually interested in this game so it is triggering me!

Personally I don't consider it a "relapse" unless I pick up the controller myself, but it feels like what they call a "middle line" in ITAA.

Top lines are when you're doing everything you want to, living in line with your values and goals, "sober".

Middle lines are the blurry area between top lines and bottom lines, when you're not relapsing but not exactly where you want to be either.

Bottom lines are when you're relapsing and generally you're aware that you're doing it.

It's weird because I'm not generally interested in violent games. It's actually pretty mild for a game about being hired to kill people honestly lol. The stealth and exploration aspects are what draw me in.

I just have to remember to play the tape all the way through... What happens when I game? I am extremely controlling and obsessive. I am a completionist. I become irritable when I am interrupted or when things don't go my way. I will do nothing other than game and because of that I will be putting off other hobbies I want to be doing more, and I will be losing precious irreplaceable time with my daughter.

Even if it's not as good as avoiding all game related content, I'm still considerably better off just watching.

 

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This has pretty much nothing at all to do with gaming or any other addiction but I have nowhere else I'd prefer to share it.

...

My favorite dog in the entire world, Lobo (keeshond), died last night.

We got him 2 weeks after our first family dog, Pirate (german shepherd/mutt mix), died. That was 10 August's ago, when I was 16 years old.

Both dogs died from cancer, but Lobo's death was more sudden. We knew it was coming but he didn't fade away the same way Pirate did. Pirate went into a coma for 6+ hours the day he died, and was immobile for a whole week before. We all were there with Pirate when he died.

Lobo was up and moving around just hours before he left us. Nobody witnessed his death, my mom came downstairs and found him gone only half an hour after she last saw him alive. He must have had a heart attack, stroke, aneurysm, something along those lines.

I wasn't there for any of this, I haven't lived with my parents in 4 years. I still visited weekly and used to stay over on weekends when I was taking classes on the other side of town on Sundays.

Lobo was my favorite dog and I was his favorite person. Maybe towards the end my mom was more his favorite, but I was still right up there. He always lit up so much when we would come over, and he used to spend a lot of time with me when I lived here.

The day we took him home, he was 8 months old, a rehoming on craigslist... He ran up to us like he'd always known us and never looked back. He laid on my lap the whole ride home, and on that ride I picked out his new name which he took to immediately.

Today we came over to help them dig the hole and to give our condolences. Seeing my daughter helps cheer my mom up a lot.

For some reason I have still yet to cry a single tear.

Sometimes I just have delayed reactions to things... I am autistic after all and that's pretty common for us.

I feel like I'm actually blocking myself from crying because I know once the tears come they won't stop.

I miss my dog.

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Posted (edited)

I am handling the loss quite well, all things considered. I think I did a lot of the acute grieving while he was still in the process of dying.

Your kind words are so very much appreciated everyone. ❤️

Edited by GrainSiloEnthusiast
typo
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My daughter started baby school yesterday. She's doing really well, just as I expected she seems to love it. She really is a social butterfly. We have been very much enjoying having several hours of free time!

She recently started saying Mama, too, it's the absolute cutest thing ever. I'm so proud of her.

We successfully adjusted our sleep schedules, so we've been waking up around 7:30, and lights out at 21:00 (Even though it still takes me about 2 hours to fall asleep... Honestly it's still probably a good idea for me to lay down this early, I always have insomnia) although our days are kind of shorter, we make good use of them. I always feel better when I wake up early.

It's been 84 days of no gaming, and 100 days of no self injury. I also recently celebrated 18 months of sobriety!

My wife wants us to take a walk together tomorrow after we drop her off at school, we did a lot of walks in the spring and early summer but lately it's been too hot. I think it will be good for both of us. Things have been better between us over the last couple of weeks.

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10 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

 

It's been 84 days of no gaming, and 100 days of no self injury. I also recently celebrated 18 months of sobriety!

 

Amazing! Glad to hear things are going so well for you. Enjoy this time you have with your little one. They get big so fast! My oldest just turned 17, is driving, and will be off to college in another year :61_sob:

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Since I can only keep up with 3-4 goals at a time, I dropped "nothing new 90" since I wasn't doing so great at it anyway (though it did still stop me from buying some stuff I didn't need.) I'll still keep up the effort to buy less but without a box on my goal tracker.

I traded it for "🚫🍟🍔" (emojis: no symbol, fries, burger) because lately I have been feeling really sick. I don't think it's COVID or anything like that, I mean sick to my stomach, sickness about food. I know this feeling too well, this always happens when I eat too unhealthily for too long consecutively.

I need to stop eating fast food for a while. At the very least I need to cut back on it, and using the goal tracker will show me exactly which days I ate fast food so I can space it out accordingly.

I won't fail my goal if I eat out but make healthier choices like salad, sushi, etc. Even if it's less healthy than what I could potentially have eaten at home, it's still definitely going to feel better than eating burgers/fries/chicken strips/etc.

No deep fried foods for a while is basically what I mean.

I don't have an end date for this goal, whenever I feel a lot better I can remove it. I should for at least 30 days though.

Lately I've felt genuinely ADDICTED to fast food and powerless over that addiction so I need to stop. The last two times I ate it I have felt sick. It'd be nice to theoretically stop forever but I know me and that's unrealistic lol! Baby steps.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So today is day 93?!

I actually didn't even realize I reached 90 days until just now, when my goal tracker wouldn't let me check off today because it was a "day after goal ended"!

Well I guess I need to edit my goal now, because I'm shooting for a year.

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No Gaming Year! (Summer Quarter Completed!)

Autumn Quarter Game Plan:

Goal 1: Feel in tune with the changing seasons.

> On every school day, take a walk around the neighborhood after dropping her off.

> Go on bus adventures 2-5 times a week. Go solo at least once a week.

> Get the most out of my autumn playlists, but also take time to unplug and enjoy the sounds of nature.

> Make use of the Park and Rec's Autumn Activities list! Go to at least one of the outdoor events.

> Make at least 3 print-worthy season-related scrapbook pages with InCollage (like one for each month of Autumn)

> Buy a really cute pumpkin!!

Goal 2: Make lots of art, and make progress towards some of my lofty art goals such as painting murals.

> Bring along my travel sketchbook on my bus adventures, at least the solo ones (if I know I won't have a chance to draw it's fine to not bring it. I can technically draw on my phone with MediBang anyway.)

> At the very least, *attempt* to contact that guy at the library about getting my work displayed.

> Ask dad (in law) if I can paint a mural on the temporary half wall that is partitioning off the under construction part of the house from the rest. Just have to ask, don't even have to actually end up doing it, the goal is to get over my fear of asking permission.

> Fill at least 10 pages in my large sketchbook (I'm sure I can do more but I'm keeping it low as to not stress myself out)

> In November, start making Christmas ornaments for the cute tree we just bought!

Goal: Read 5 books besides graphic novels / manga.

> Always start a book as soon as I check it out, even if I only listen/read for a couple minutes.

> Carve out time for reading even on the busiest days, even if it's just one paragraph.

> Give myself permission to buy audiobooks I can't find on Libby. Money better spent than on food or more objects I don't need.

> Frequent the library!

> Continue reading graphic novels and manga, this keeps me in the habit of reading.

 

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Our daughter came home from school last Thursday with a high fever, and we all ended up getting sick. She's STILL sniffley a week and two days later.
Thankfully no more fever, she was such a nightmare when she was hot and in pain. HATES taking her medicine with us too.
Takes her medicine for grandpa just fine though 🙄 He really is her favourite person.
The last night of her fever he took her upstairs and slept with her and that's the first FULL uninterrupted night of sleep we've had since before she was born lol.

(She's 10 months old with the physical capabilities of a 12 month old and has bed shared since 2 months old because she WILL NOT sleep in her crib. We really did try, I was vehemently against bedsharing. My sleep deprivation became more dangerous at that point so I caved.)

Wife and I have been sick for about a week, we didn't catch it right away. We are finally on the mend though.

Enough backstory, I digress...

Still being sick + air quality due to wild fires may prevent me from going on any bus adventures this week. We'll just have to see.
The air quality is only "moderate" so I might be able to manage with a N95 but still don't think I'd spend as much time outside as I'd like.

Air quality permitting I'd like to spend at least 15 consecutive minutes outside each day, with any extra time being a bonus.
Consecutive minutes because technically being outside for 15 min in a day but only 3 minute intervals still feels like I haven't been outside all day.

Even if I can't meet my outside goals this week (or at all due to wildfire season being pretty intense here... PRAYING for some rain.) I can still work on the others!

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Something I've found that helps me when I find myself longing to game or reminiscing is remembering I do the same thing with drugs. I romanticize the memory of it.

My resolve to not use drugs is a LOT stronger than my resolve not to game again, so that comparison is very helpful. This is just part of the process of recovery.

Some people will always have cravings, they just learn how to cope with them.

I have to keep playing the tape all the way through.

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